wild and crazy life...
By itsjustmeb
@itsjustmeb (1212)
Canada
February 17, 2007 7:50pm CST
What would you do in this situation?
Ok.
Someone I know married someone almost 5 years ago. Okay. They get pregnant (well his wife does) a few months later. Baby is born a few (okay more than a few months) after that, and around the time the child is a couple of months old, the mother leaves with no notice, except for coming home with a huge moving truck.
The man is distraught. The woman doesn't seem to care how he feels, just as long as she gets out of his life for good.
They fought off and on for years, and this man is not the brightest crayon in the box. He has major learning disabilities and can only read/write at a Grade four level. Reason I am mentioning that is he lost custody to his now ex wife just this past year, because he didn't understand the court papers enough to fight back. So he lost by default.
Now since the woman was given soul custody, she does what she wants in regards to their child together. If she is mad at the man, he doesn't get to see his kid. He hasn't seen his child in over a year because the woman plays the donkey and the carrot trick with him "do as I say or else" ... which all of us find completely unfair.
The man has had severe emotional problems ever since his now ex wife left. He has had a many of problems, he had anger issues before and they have become worse in recent years because his wife will not allow him to see or even speak to his child.
Flash forward to today.
The ex wife now is telling friends of hers who still communicate with her ex (he had many friends before they got together) to tell him to call her if he wants to speak to his child. Yet, his friends feel that SHE should be the one to call him, because she seems to be the one calling all the shots.
This man has given up on his child, because his ex has put him through sheer heck and back, even though this child is his, he hasn't been allowed much of a relationship with it, due to the mothers personal vendetta against him.
I keep telling him to fight, but I also understand where he is coming from, because you can only be pushed so far before you give up. He loves his children (he has other children with someone else as well) but he doesn't know what else he can do about this. Except take the mom back to court, but he doesn't want to fight her anymore.
What would you say to him? I say keep fighting the mom, because the mom was in the wrong to up and bugger off with their child almost 4 years ago now. But he says he has no more fight in him.
What would you do if this was you?
5 people like this
18 responses
@crimsonblues (1191)
• United States
18 Feb 07
If he doesnt love his kid enough to keep up the fight, thats his choice. I would never give up on my child, no matter how many i had elsewhere.
Maybe he needs a lawyer or a better lawyer. Its the kid who's suffering. I would tell him that you're there for him if he decided to go back to court, help him with his documents, and try to keep his spirits up. If he's given up there probably isnt much you can do.
2 people like this
@itsjustmeb (1212)
• Canada
18 Feb 07
I know.
I just wish there was something else he could do. He can't afford a lawyer at this point in time, she has put him through hell and back...
@red158 (333)
• Canada
10 Mar 07
I don't think it has anything to do with his love for his daughter. Or actually it does have to do with that, you can only let your feelings get trampled on for so long, and maybe he feels that a court battle could hurt the child even more.
I had a friend in this situation, even though child support was awarded the mother held the daughter as a carrot. By the way the mother use to be a close friend to. She had the baby when we were still in high school, and they use to call me to feed the baby because I was the only one that could get her to burp. She split up with him and it devastated him.
He lived with my family because his mother moved out west, and he didn't want to go. He stayed with my family even after I moved out and got married. I think he was with us for about 10 yrs total.
He used to get so depressed, and he never had another relationship. The night before I got married she asked him to babysit, I remember warning her not to make him miss my wedding. He then never seen her again for about 14yrs.
Fast forward to about 4 yrs ago, he called me up one morning and said guess who called me. Without hesitation I said to him Sara? He said how did you know, but then he said of course you know. It was just like I had always told him.
I told him numerous times when he was in a deep depression, "don't you worry she will turn 18 and she will come looking for you." She called within 1 week of her turning 18.
The ironic thing, within 6 months of her finding her father, her mother and father got back together, and 4 yrs later they are still together and happy.
I didn't find out about them being together for about 3 months, because my family and him were afraid to tell me. I have to honestly say I wasn't happy about it for about 5 minutes, then I realized that this was the love of his life, and if she made him happy, I was happy.
When I did see the mother I warned her, Hurt him again and you will deal with me. Keep him happy and I'll be glad your back in our lives.
I know this is long and a little off topic, but my point is sometimes people stop fighting because they are tired of being hurt, they don't have the financial opportunity, or because they start to believe that they would disrupt the life of the child they love.
You don't prove your love by trying to obtain custody at all cost, you prove your love by doing what you think is best at the time. Even if it kills you. And in this case, it took along time but it worked out in the end. Karma
@mari61960 (4893)
• United States
18 Feb 07
Poor guy sounds like he's been through the mill. It would be a shame for the child if he gives up. I'm sure that it's very difficult for him. Do you have any kind of Legal aid there for those that need help? I know in the us we do. I can't believe the way some people can just use their children as pawns. It really sickens me. But I would encourage him for the sake of his daughter to not give up, as difficult as it may be. I'll keep them in my prayers.
1 person likes this
@itsjustmeb (1212)
• Canada
18 Feb 07
We have legal aid, but because of all the cutbacks they will only help if it has something to do with violence... thats how his ex got a lawyer was because she told them he threatened to kill me (which he did, long LONG story...)
@mari61960 (4893)
• United States
18 Feb 07
Is there maybe a place for people with disabilities that could help him or at least give him some advice? There must be some place that can help this poor man. What about a church..sometimes members are willing to help others in need. There may be a lawyer willing to at least give advice as to what he can do.
@sirensanssmile (3764)
• Netherlands
18 Feb 07
He could get someone who can explain things to him to help him in his fight with her. On the other hand, I can see why he would give up wanting to deal with her. I am doubtful that I would want to continue on with her either. I hear people saying that the child suffers but the mother is the one accountable for that and the father shouldn't have to put himself in those hurtful situations over and over again. He has to look out for his own health and sanity as well.
1 person likes this
@mama_of_two (268)
• United States
18 Feb 07
If I were in your place, I would tell him to keep fighting. It doesn't matter what happens in the end with his ex, but his children should be the most important things in his life. Also, you may want to tell him to contact an attorney because it should be illegal to play this type of game with your child. She is in the wrong, and he is in the right. If he were to get an attorney and tell this person what she does, the attorney would probably take his case right away. He could ask you and his other friends to write a deposition out on what you know that she has done and how it hurts to see someone so kind get hurt so badly. This could be used when they go to court.
Any judge will look at this and think how awful. She could actually lose her child for playing games like this. It's not right and it really isn't fair. I think that if he stops fighting that she wins and this is exactly what she is looking for. She wants him to quit, and this is just not right at all.
One more thing, I would tell him to start going to therapy because this will prove that she is causing emotional distress in his life, and he could use this in court against her as well.
Whatever he decides to do, though, you need to let him know that you are right by his side and that you support him no matter what his decision is. Just let him know that there is more that he can do. If I were him, I would do what I just suggested. It could possibly work out for the better. He just never knows.
@spangle (88)
•
24 Feb 07
Definately! Keep fighting for what you believe in! Surely there must be someone out there to help this poor guy.
Someone as vindictive as this woman shouldn't have custody of their child, anyway. You really need to help him find someone to help him through all this. I know, it's really tough when you feel that there is no way out; and I can understand totally that he doesn't want to fight anymore. But, he can't let her wear him down like that. He deserves to be able to see his kid. He hasn't done anything wrong.You have to convinvce him that he has a chance here. For his sake, and his kids, too.
@jbones32103 (717)
• United States
19 Feb 07
He has to fight so the child will know his or her father. Tell him not to give up. Fathers can have the papers changed in this situation.
1 person likes this
@Anakata2007 (1785)
• Canada
19 Feb 07
very sad situation, but you have to let him call the shots. I understand how he feels about having no more fight left in him. This doesn't make him a bad father at all, but it makes her a bad mother. There is nothing you can do for him, just continue to be his friend.
1 person likes this
@zainogenius (289)
• Pakistan
18 Feb 07
i would keep the child and never let tye man see him again!!
he is 4 graded by the way!!
so he doesnt deserves to see the kid!!!
@itsjustmeb (1212)
• Canada
18 Feb 07
Ok no offense, but who are you to say that he shouldn't see his child? I mean honestly. A child deserves to know both parents, whether they are slow or not.
@classyphotobuggy (647)
• United States
19 Feb 07
Exactly Deb!! Right on again woman!! Ever seen the movie, "I am Sam"? A true story based on a father that was mentally disabled. Very touching, heart grabbing movie. Sam did more for his daughters then my ex has done in 7 years of divorce!!! Shame on anyone for making such a judgement :)
@sharon613 (2321)
• United States
18 Feb 07
If he has any family member that can help him in any way to hire a lawyer to go with him to court to get partial custody back.
1 person likes this
@sarah22 (3979)
• United States
8 Mar 07
i find people like this women are very cruel. cruel to use a child in this way to hurt another person. regardless of where he stands in life. she should be ashamed. he should go to the court and seek visitation for this child. i cannot stand people like this, she will be quick to seek money from theis person but will not share the love of this child with him,a child that he helped bring into this world.God bless this man and i hope things work out for him
@western_valleygirl (1363)
• United States
18 Feb 07
That is so sad, and it really has become quite common. We have a friend that also has the same problem, he cannot see his daughter, because the woman's family keep her tightly watched, and think that if he does, he will kidnap her. But, she is a teen now, and he cries for the years that he missed, and would never have taken her away, because he is a bachelor and only wanted to see her or talk to her on the phone, but they never let him. I believe that he should do whatever it takes to develop a bond with his child, because when the child becomes older, it will choose where it will go, and with whom. That should be his main goal, not custody, because he does not know how to fight for that. So, the more he works on building a relationship with his child, the better, because perhaps, the child is not happy, fully, with the mother. That is the most plausible solution. He should take every opportunity that is presented, and when the child is older there will be a choice.
1 person likes this
@classyphotobuggy (647)
• United States
19 Feb 07
Such a very sad situation!! It tears my heart out to hear about a Dad that actually wants to see his child, and the Mom plays games with it. My ex sees his daughters a couple of times a year, (maybe) and he lives less then a mile from us (we have open custody). Anyway, I think if you can try and help him, tell him to keep fighting, that child needs their Dad. If possible, see if you can find free legal aid, or some attorneys will have a free consultation and let you make payments. He should really try and fight all he can for his child. I would continue to be a supportive friend and push for minimal visitation (at the very least). Is there anyway you could talk to the psycho ex wife? Not that you want to get involved like that, but sometimes women can talk to a woman better then a man can. Perhaps even offer that the visits are at your place. You sound like a strong woman Deb and a good friend!! Best of luck to you with this situation!! :)
@tad1fan (3367)
• Canada
18 Feb 07
Keep hounding him to fight.....he needs to get himself a competent lawyer who can explain the court documents to him and fight for the right to see his child.....by giving up,he's not only hurting himself but his child is being affected as well.....I don't know where you are but I do know here,in Canada,where I live of many cases like this and the woman/man has been told by judges that even though they have sole custody,they can not,legally keep the other parent out of their lif....tell him to start looking for a lawyer and get back in his childs life.....the child needs him as much as he needs the child!
@retardedrugrat (4791)
• Canada
8 Mar 07
I too would tell him to keep fighting. This man hasn't given up on his child because he doesn't love it enough to keep fighting, he gave up because he didn't understand the system, and the mother is being an absolute b!tch!
I'm sure she knew that she'd get custody of the child and she totally played on his whole disability thing which is pretty disgusting in itself.
I say keep fighting for the right to see that child. he's the father and he has just as much right as the mother does. She's playing him like a fool and it has to stop somewhere.
@springborn (295)
• United States
18 Feb 07
I would fight back. My parents are going through a divorce right now. Actually, it's my stepmother and father. My biological parents have been divorced since before I was a year old. My father got me because my mother was leaving me with persons of "questionable reputation" to go sleep around. Now my stepmother has taken my 8 year old sister and 5 year old brother and run. This is the third time in eight years that this (or something similar) has happened. The last time was in December. After 11 years of dealing with this, my father has finally filed for divorce. Since my stepmom hasn't been served the restraining order that says she can't take the kids out of their school or the county, she's ducking it because she knows it's coming. There's gonna be a huge custody battle, but I know that my dad isn't gonna give up on the little ones, and neither am I. I promised my little sister that I wouldn't leave her, and now I haven't seen her or talked to her for 2 days. If I have to personally track my stepmom down to get my little brother and sister back, I will. I've been through this before, and I'm not going to just step aside and let my stepmom put them through this too, especially since she used to get so mad at my mother for putting me through it. So, I wouldn't back down. If your friend is a little slow, advise him to get someone to help him. A friend, a lawyer, someone who can help.
@Jusred (1578)
• United States
19 Feb 07
Does this man have any help through an organization like 'Human Services' for his mental incapacities? I find his ex-wife's actions abusive, not only to him, but to the child as well. That chld deserves to see her father. The only way this will be resolved is, unfortunately, through the court system. This man needs a lawyer or someone sound of mind to stand up for his rights..And it sounds as though through the mutual friends of his and his ex-wife's, they could be a witness on his behalf or even subpoenaed to court under oath, to point out the truth of the matter that he may have difficulty doing so alone. He is probaby afraid of her, and fears for what may happen. This woman is committing a crime and needs to be handled with in a just manner..He deserves to see his child, and vice-versa, from what you described..It sounds as though he needs a stronger support system to acheive that. If he is a 'patient' of an organization for those with mental disorders, this should be brought to their attention. They may be able to help him in the fight against this cruelty~
@krislouiebaby (2347)
• Philippines
19 Feb 07
if he really love her daughter, then he will never give up the fight, as long as there is love and he is longing for his daughter he will go on.
that is the saddest part of a relationship,when it comes to an end, the child is the ultimate victim,,,
@mjgarcia (725)
• United States
19 Feb 07
He needs to go to legal aid and tell them what is going on. And take his divorce papers with him. There should be a clause in his papers that talks about visitation. She can't go against those orders. I'm sure there is visitation set up even if she has sole custody. A mother can't even keep a husband from seeing his child even if he's not paying his support payments. Those are considered two separate issues. He can have it set up where they meet in the police parking lot for a child exchange. A father has rights also.
@mommey20032005 (264)
• United States
19 Feb 07
My ex does not want to see our child and she is now three.
he once told me that i should call him to let him know how his child is doing.
He won't call on her birthday, and yet he wont sign the papers for a divorce, so I'm going for child support and even that is hard to do when he runs and hides. But I do feel for your friend, he has a right to see his child. what he needs to do is get a good lawyer and fight for his rights. The child is going to wonder why didn't she ever see her father, and That mother of hers is going to blame it all on him.
