Care and handling of a REALLY unpleasant person
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
Canada
February 20, 2007 8:27am CST
My daughter is having difficulty with a girl at school. This girl lives nearby and takes the same bus. Both girls are in Grade 11 but the other girl is almost two years older because she has been left back once or twice. My daughter doesn't know her well but it seems that she "thinks" that she and my daughter are friends (and she has no other friends that anyone knows of).
My daughter told me at breakfast this morning that she is at her wit's end... the other girl has really terrible body odor, bad breath, her hair isn't clean, the whole works. She says it's honestly nauseating to be around her. But this girl always waits for my daughter to get on the bus first and she gets on right after and ends up sitting in the same seat. She has told my daughter that her brother "hogs the bathroom" every morning, from the time he gets up until it's time to leave for the bus -- so, from this, we figure that she does no personal hygiene whatsoever. My daughter has tried not to hurt her feelings but she said it's making her feel sick on the bus ride to school.
Then, she tells me today that this girl is also in her English class (I didn't know this). She has started to make it a habit that, she pushes her desk right over to my daughter's to the point that they are almost touching. My daughter has told her flat out to stop - but the girl won't listen. She acts like she just doesn't hear her.
At the end of last summer, the girl called our house while my daughter was off doing her babysitting job. She told me that my daughter had agreed to take care of her betta fish while she was away camping for a week. I knew nothing of it but agreed to accept the fish when she dropped it off (I mean, it was JUST a fish bowl... no big deal) because I presumed they had made arrangements. They had NOT. When I called my daughter at work, she said, "WHAT????? I haven't spoken to her in ages. I never agreed to take care of her fish!" Naturally, she cared for the little fella anyway because, by this time, the girl was long gone. When my daughter confronted her when she got back she said she "thought" that they had talked about it.
I told her today that she is going to have to stop worrying about being rude and just deal with this girl directly. I know it is hard to manage these issues but it's getting ridiculous. How would you handle this situation in her place? Please share whatever advice you have for my daughter and I'll be happy to pass it along to her! It's going to be awkward no matter how she tries to tackle it so all suggestions will be appreciated :)
7 people like this
17 responses
@awonderfullife (2893)
• United States
20 Feb 07
I hate to say it, but being nice hasn't worked so your daughter will have to be more direct and possibly even a little rude. She should tell this girl she is very busy with school, work, etc. and doesn't have time to hang out with her. If the girl tries to sit with her on the bus she may have to say she's saving the seat for a friend. I know it sounds mean, but maybe the girl will get the hint, as in "you mean I'm not your friend?" If your daughter wants to help this girl, she may want to give her some tips on hygeine, which could be embarrassing but if done tactfully it may help. She could actually be brutally honest and say, "I know your brother hogs the bathroom, but maybe you should get up early so you can get a shower before school." And then tell her about the merits of deodorant.
5 people like this
@APMorison (424)
• United States
20 Feb 07
I sounds to me like there may be some mental illness involved on the part of the other girl, so be firm and direct, but also be watchful afterwards. If they are back in school, have your daughter and possibly you also discuss this with the counselors so that if the girl retaliates there is a record on file to begin with.
I'm sorry if I am scaring you, but 'depressive behavior' coupled with at least a mild fixation on your daughter is not a great mix. The girl will likely take the rejection harder than anyone could anticipate if that is, in fact, the situation.
4 people like this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
20 Feb 07
Thanks for your help and concern, APMorison. I actually have thought about the reaction or possible retaliation so don't worry... your response didn't frighten me. I'm actually hoping that, together with my daughter, we can find a solution that will be the most helpful to the girl but cause her the least upset. IF that's possible. It's unsettling to deal with but we will try our best.
1 person likes this
@wmaharper (2316)
• United States
20 Feb 07
Well with the English class issue, that can be easily handled by a discussion with her teacher. She should tell her teacher how she feels about it, and ask her to intervene, by saying something to the extent of "we have the desks separated for a reason.." basically telling her that she needs to put her desk back. As far as the bus ride, she should just be direct. It's hard, I'm a beat-around-the-bush type of person, and hate to hurt people's feelings, regardless if I personally like them or not, but there is a time in your life where you have to decide to stand up, and she should. It will be easier for her to do it with a friend by her side, so if she has a friend that is willing to ride the bus with her to school one morning, she should do it then. OF course, she's not going to want to be mean, but she can use the moral support. I would hate to see her and her friend gang up on this girl (although, from what it sounds like, your daughter is not the type to do that! ) (:
And if she is just completely mortified about confronting this girl, she can always write her a letter, and slip it to her before she leaves the bus. Some may say it's the cowards way, i say it's the best way sometimes, especially if this girl is the type to cause a scene. Good luck to your daughter. I know we have all had to deal with people that we don't like, it's not fun.
4 people like this
@XxAngelxX (2830)
• Canada
20 Feb 07
Oh wow that's a tough situation to be in, but I think you're right, your daughter is just going to have to deal with her directly. She's tried everything else by the sounds of it. She needs to tell her in no uncertain terms that they are not friends and she could even go so far as to tell her why. Hopefully this will work because short of selling your house and moving to another district, I don't know any other way.
4 people like this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
20 Feb 07
I know what you mean, Angel. I don't even KNOW where this girl came from! They never went to elementary school together or anything of the sort. I think it just all started because they take the same bus... and it went from there. I forgot to mention that the girl even tried out for the school play because she found out my daughter had a role. It's actually kind of creepy :(
I know I raised the girls not to be rude to other people and especially not to base friendships on popularity or anything of the sort - but this girl's behavior is plain weird... and uncomfortable. I hope my daughter can find the right words to take care of it! Thanks a lot for your response :)
3 people like this
@mixey62 (305)
• United States
20 Feb 07
I had myself a similar situation where a "friend" was overextending her friendship beyond what I felt was reasonable. I tried to cut myself off from her completely (not answering emails or phone calls), but she didn't get the point and called me up demanding to know why I didn't want to hang out with her. I wrote her an email stating that our friendship had changed because I had changed over the years and I feel conflict would be inevitable due to our different values if our friendship should continue. I know that sounds awful, but this person left me no other choice. She wrote me a brief email back "Thank you for your honesty". I haven't heard from her since, and it's for the better. Some people just don't get what friends are- usually its a mutual understanding, but in some cases one person just has delusional perceptions of what bonds lie between them and another. You have to tell these people (painful as it might be) when enough is enough.
3 people like this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
20 Feb 07
Thanks for sharing your personal experience, mixey62. It helps to understand how others have dealt with similar circumstances. My daughter finds it difficult because she never set out to make friends with this girl - it's like it "just happened" and she really just considers her "someone she knows" because they don't do anything together. They don't spend time outside of class, don't talk on the phone, don't go places together, nothing that you would do with a friend. As I mentioned, she never even knew her until we moved into this area and she started taking the bus that this girl was also taking. It's comforting, though, to know that a direct approach like yours can be effective.
1 person likes this
@nomascorporate (52)
• United States
20 Feb 07
Wow, everyone seems to be against this poor girl. I think you should teach your daughter to be tolerant and perhaps befriend this girl. My view stems form two ideas: people usually want what they can't have (in this case the girl wants friendship) and everyone must tolerate someone they may not really care for (such as inlaws or coworkers). Your daughter should take this girl under her wing. The more secure the girl feels about having a friend, the less likely she is to hang on so tightly. In high school I befriended a guy that was really tall and overweight. People made fun of him. I was a popular cheerleader but I always cared about the underdogs and needy people. The summer of our sophmore year, the guy was killed via electrocution while weedeating his yard. I will never forget that I was his friend.
3 people like this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
20 Feb 07
This is valuable advice, nomascorporate, and I do agree with you. I definitely encourage my girls to be open to friendship and acquaintance with everyone at school or in their activities. I believe they are kindhearted girls and they respect peoples' feelings, as they wish to be respected in return. This is the reason that she has been friendly with this girl for such an amount of time already. She is trying really hard but came to me because she feels it's getting out of control and she's not sure how to move forward. I do think it can be hard to handle when you're 16. I know I would have difficulty with a similar situation, even at my age now. Thanks for taking the time to reply!
2 people like this
@nomascorporate (52)
• United States
21 Feb 07
Sixteen is a tough age. I am sure your girls are wonderful people, afterall, if they were not, they would not be asking for advice - just being mean! I hope she is able to work it out. Growing up and going through such experiences is difficult to say the least!
2 people like this
@icequeen (2840)
• Canada
20 Feb 07
Yes...your daughter needs to be forthright with this girl...and if that doesn't work maybe you should talk to her. It is a shame because it sounds like this girl is suffering and has no real friends...and that is probably why she has latched on to your daughter. However...it is wrong for her to tell lies and to get you do things that your daughter did not agree too...I think you need to deal with her..but in a positive way...
3 people like this
@emarie (5442)
• United States
20 Feb 07
wow...that is tough. i remember a transfer student having really bad BO but we never said anything to her. i had her in like 2 classes. she was from france, don't know if that had anything to do with it, but it just seemed liked she didn't wear deoderant. but that aside. sometimes if they're doing things like that, they might not be all there, i mean someone what slow. i knew someone like that in elementry school, but never had that type of problem. i wouldn't have accepted the fish since my daughter didn't tell me and she wasn't home to ask. sometimes you just gotta be forward. i'm sure your daughter has other friends and she should ask them for help as well. me, i probably would just avoid her if a could and hopfully she'll get the clue.
3 people like this
@babykay (2131)
• Ireland
20 Feb 07
My heart goes out to the girl that seems to have latched onto your daughter. It seems to be an obvious case of parental neglect, possibly even abuse. What kind of a parent lets their daughter out filthy dirty and smelling? Especially as she is at the age of 13 where everything matters alot more and when kids are even more sensitive to things like peers and what other think of you.
Obviously it is not within your daughters abilities to make right this girls life, but she should try not to add to this girls low self esteem when she gives her the brush off. She should get a friend to sit with her on the bus or at class.
You yourself should speak with a teacher at the school, explaining the situation for 2 reasons - to protect your daughter and because there is an element of harassment here. The second reason that a teacher or the authorities need to be spoken to is that this child is obviously in distress either because of neglect or abuse or both. Perhaps the school can send social services to check out the situation in the house.
2 people like this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
21 Feb 07
You're right, babykay... more and more, I am becoming convinced that there is something missing in her home life. The thing is, this girl is either 17 or 18 years old. My daughter is 16 and one of the youngest in her grade. The other girl, having been left back once or twice, is quite a bit older. That's another reason that I'm stymied by her lack of hygiene and her other behaviors. As an "almost adult," I thought she'd be responsible for herself by this age. But, as others have suggested, she may have developmental issues that we wouldn't be aware of... and, like you've said, a child or young adult even, who has not been taught certain basics, may not realize how noticeable things can be, when left unchecked. I appreciate all of your good suggestions here... thanks so much.
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
20 Feb 07
While I agree with everything said here and the advice given, what needs to be taken into consideration here is that your daughter is being stalked by this person. You need to be sure to act and quickly too because the stress on your daughter must be severe. How thankful she can talk to you of her feelings. My heart goes out to you but also to this other girl as well. Good luck to you and prayers for a good outcome to this situation.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
21 Feb 07
Thanks so much for your positive comments, MsTickle... I really do appreciate them. It's a hard situation, most definitely, and one that sort of crept up on us unexpectedly. I will post an update, for sure, as soon as we can figure out the best place to start. My main concern is to ensure my daughter's safety and comfort level, without causing any unnecessary hardship in the process. We really don't want to hurt this girl... just to come to some kind of understanding for the two of them.
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
20 Feb 07
The two of you sound like really good people...no wonder this girl wants your friendship...she's obviously got some intelligence to have chosen your daughter. I have a good feeling that you will work things out and there will be a happy outcome. Please keep us posted. Hugs to you both.
1 person likes this
@crickethear (1417)
• United States
20 Feb 07
It sounds to me like you do have a problem. Your daughter should not be harrassed. That is exactly what she is doing, and it wouldn't surprise me, if she knows exactly what she is doing. She probably knows your daughter doesn't want to be mean, and so she is taking advantage of her. I think the time has come, where she needs to firm, and stand her ground. I wouldn't full around with it, you don't know if she has other psycological issues. She needs to told to leave her alone, and she may need her friends there as a witness, and for support. If the girl continues to harrass after being asked not to, then she needs to report it to the school, and if need be, then to the police. The girl sounds manipulated which could be dangerous. The fact that she did what she did about the fish, makes me wonder how far she is capable of going. I am not trying to scare you or anything, but the quicker you she handles this, the sooner you can be rid of this problem.
2 people like this
@retardedrugrat (4791)
• Canada
20 Feb 07
Wow, sounds like this girl really has issues. If she's been left back once or twice it almost sounds as though she has learning issues too. I'm lost as to why she'd call and tell you that your daughter had agreed to take care of her betta fish when they hadn't. Maybe she had asked your daughter, but she'd zoned her out at that point? Lol.
I'm not sure on the best way to handle this to be honest. I personally would probably tell the girl that we couldn't hang out together anymore - and try to find a different way of getting to school.
Obviously at school they will have contact with each other, albeit limited, but if she gets the idea of what your daughter is trying to do, then maybe she'll stop pushing her desk so close to your daughter's desk and they can both work in peace.
I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help.
@super1880 (116)
• United States
20 Feb 07
I think that your daughter tell her straight up that they are not friends and to leave her alone. Sometimes you have to be firm and straight up with people because they will take your kindness for weakness. This can lead to headaches and hard times.
@hothash007 (488)
• India
21 Feb 07
hei you people had made the situation tough.your daughter should have told this girl earlier that she cant tollerate her,now wat has happened is this girl may be not awre of her bad characters and thinks your daughter should be her best friend or like that.now tell your daughter to give a complaint in the school regarding the matter.
@missyd79 (3438)
• United States
26 Feb 07
first things first, even if this girl's brother does hog the bathroom every morning, she can still take a shower at night, wash her hair in the morning in the kitchen sink and brush her teeth in the kitchen sink. there are ways around stuff like that, apprently this girl just does not care, and sometimes she is going to just have to be a little mean and tell her the truth. but maybe she should be like, you can make alot more friends if you take care of yourself a little more. try to get her moitivated that way.
1 person likes this
@tammyr (5946)
• Etowah, Tennessee
21 Feb 07
I do not see this as a danger as a stalker would be. I see a lonely girl that has no parental supervision, and no social skills. I would want to be told if I stank. Wouldn't you? Your daughter will have to be stronger and tell her she is invading her space. I do not see that it would be rude to set the girl straight, but it would be the right thing to do. If she gets mad or hurt when told that her hygene is lacking, she will get over it and thank your daughter in the future.
I have a very sensitive nose to thing like BO and smell people that others do not, so I really know how irritating this can be.I would tell the girl and discuss hoe to solve these problems. I think the 2 gift basket idea is a good one. That way it is like sharing with a friend, and the girl will not be as offended. It sounds like maybe the family is not teaching her ,or not supplying the necessary items for the girl to clean herself properly, so this may be an excellent way to help.
I had a friend in school that did not have ANY other friends. But you know what? She turned out to be the very best friend I have ever had and really wish that I had not lost contact with her of all the people I no longer see. She came from a very poor, backwards kind of family that did not let her do anything at all outside of school I befriended her and do not regret it one bit.
I am sure that you two will figure out the best way for you to deal with this and can see that you have the girls best interest at heart. But think about the girls future. Telling her these things now will only make her life better in the future. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@thinkingoutloud (6127)
• Canada
22 Feb 07
I've been giving this so much thought, tammy, and I do agree with you -- if I stank, I'd REALLY want to know. I'm so particular about everything and, yes, I'd be mortified to be told but, once all was said and done, I'd want to have the opportunity to take care of it. I think it's wise where you've said that this girl's future is at stake... I mean, she's already 18 and legally an adult here. She's going to be out in the world, looking for a job and things of that nature and her current issues are not going to help her succeed. I'd hate to think that we had a chance to help her and didn't... so I'm sure that's worth the risk of hurting her feelings for the time being. Thanks again for taking the time to share your thoughts!
1 person likes this
@kims374 (300)
• United States
20 Feb 07
yes, the situation is getting out of hand. your daughter has to come flat out and say to leave her alone; it sounds like this girl wants to take advantage of your daughter's kindness, and the lack of hygeine is disgusting. Not a good role model. She should not worry @ being rude. If she is not able to handle the situation, maybe you call the girl's parents yourself.
