daughter doesn't undestand why dad isn't here.

Canada
February 20, 2007 9:06am CST
my 3 year old's dad used to be here 6 days a week to visit her. then he got a girlfriend and he doens't have time to come over any more. he comes 1 hour a week now. she keeps asking where he is and why he isn't here. at first i didn't want to put him down and say he's too busy, he's got better things to do. but he cancells all the time and i have to explaing to her and she cries to me. i'm having such a hard time making him look good while i'm the one who has to disapoint her. any suggestions on what i should do. thanks
14 people like this
28 responses
• United States
21 Feb 07
Stop trying to make him look good, as she gets older, she'll figure it out. Just let her know that something came up for him, and he won't be there. And that he has said that he's got other things to do and can't visit as often. It's simple and something she'll understand right now, and as she gets older, she'll figure out what kind of person he is on her own. Don't lie to her, and don't belittle him, but also don't cover for him. She may grow to resent that.
@crowfan (67)
• United States
21 Feb 07
just worry about her believe me i know its hard i have 4 kids and 2 of thier dads arent around my 13 yr old keeps saying he wants his dad eventhough hes never had him before just when she starts talkin about her father try to change the subject little kids get side tracked so easily i try not to talk smack on him but at a certain age they get to understand and he will have to live with himself when his daughter goes up to him and asks him where he has been
2 people like this
@xeron0719 (812)
• Hong Kong
21 Feb 07
You are a good mother. It is so sad for me to hear that. As your daughter is so young, I think that she will not understand if you tell her the turth. So, I think that the best way to do at this time is, continue on what you did. If you feel really sad, free feel to post here and you can discuss this with us!
2 people like this
• United States
21 Feb 07
I think you have already done your part (being a mother) to your child, and you have even tried your best to keep things normal in your family by covering up for your husband. I think it's about time that he do his part (that of being a good father). You can't always be doing this. Sooner or later, your child will learn the truth and the realities of life. Since she keeps on asking for her dad, it's best that the two of them talk about it. Perhaps coming from her, he will soon become an active participant in caring for her. Wish you all the best!
2 people like this
• United States
20 Feb 07
It's so hard when one parent seems to be the ONLY parent worth anything in a child's life. I am sorry she has to go thru this. Sitting here, it's so easy for me to say "be nice and never talk bad about her dad"...but i know that has to be so difficult for you. The best thing to do for your little one is to just keep making those excuses and tell her that her dad does love her, something just came up. I know that's not easy..you want to yell and scream and tell her exactly what a moron and low life he is, but that is her dad. I know from experience how a mom putting the dad down messes up a child. They are caught in between their parents and don't know what to do or what to say. They get so confused and hurt and eventually don't really trust anyone. Keep your chin up, though. He will wake up one day. Hopefully, it's not too late
1 person likes this
• Canada
20 Feb 07
it's just so hard cause i'm tired of lying for him. i don't want to lie to my daughter but i don't want to put her in the middle of it so i keep making up excises for him. it's not fair to her or to me to have to do this. he gets to not be a father and do what he wants but i have to do all the work for him. this is not fun.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Feb 07
i know...it's not fair for her and it's not fair for you either. he sounds like he needs to grow up, but it won't happen until he is ready. it's so sad that some people don't get it...they don't understand what they put others thru. i hope it gets better soon for you.
1 person likes this
• United States
20 Feb 07
Call him up and tell him to take care of his little girl or send him to court and make him pay child support. That man knows better than to put some new girlfriend before his daughter. If he does not know that, make him pay.
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Feb 07
Men need to be responsible and take care of their creations. He can be with his girlfriend anytime, if he loses his daughter, he will never get her back. I should know. My father left my mother and me. If he wants to see me he better have a very good reason for wanting to see me. I have lived without him for 22 years and I can live without him now. He did not care about me, why should I care about him?
1 person likes this
@sabrinam (1204)
• United States
20 Feb 07
I would either make him explain himself to her when he does come over, or stop telling her he's coming until he actually gets there, because then you won't have to explain things. But there's no way to explain why Daddy decided another person is more important. You can just explain to her that Daddy is going to come when he can and she just needs to know he loves her. Maybe he could start calling her each day for five minutes? You should ask him, so he can maybe indulge his daughter.
1 person likes this
• Canada
20 Feb 07
he does call a couple of times a week but then that became a problem. he tells her he'll call her tomorrow or on the phone he says i'll see you tomorrow and then cancells. i told him not to make promisses he can't keep. just don't tell her when you will call let it be a surprise. because she remembers. she asks how come he hasn't called. so he's getting a little better now but sometimes still slips up on the phone thing.
@XxAngelxX (2835)
• Canada
20 Feb 07
That's so sad :( I don't understand how parents can be so heartless to their children. Perhaps you could try getting her to call her daddy the next time she is wondering where he is and let him explain it to her. It's not fair for you to have to make up excuses for him, although I can fully understand why you do it, I would do the same thing in your situation.
1 person likes this
• Canada
20 Feb 07
usually when he cancells and doesn't come he's out doing whatever so he doens't pick up his phone. so it's hard for me to get him to explain it to her. he used to make sure he called right at nap time so he wouldn't have to tell our daughter. it's hard because i don't want to say soemthing bad against him but i don't want to lie to my daughter of why he's not there.
• India
21 Feb 07
Your daughter is only 3year old, She does't understand what she is demanding . You keep pession and try to understand to her. You go with her any zoo or any museum or any kids zone where she can feel comfortable. There will change her mind and then you get her understand. I hope she will understand.
1 person likes this
@Starline (681)
• United States
21 Feb 07
I'm so sorry about this situation, her dad seems kind of like an a*s! How can he cancel on his own daighter!
1 person likes this
@Sarguis (14)
• Nigeria
21 Feb 07
your story is very partetic, but in this case, you need to call the attention of the father by all means, make the daughter be present there, tell the father how much his baby is missing him, reason together with him to know what is the problem and make amendments. but dont let the baby have bad impression for him father and pray very well and live a good life, I believe the father will come for his daughter Sarguis
1 person likes this
@ronita34 (3923)
• Canada
21 Feb 07
I know exactl what you are going through with this as my daughters father used to be the same exact way!!! He has had a girlfriend ever since i was about a month and a half pregnant with my baby and she is now 29 months old!! I just kept on nagging him and telling him that it is fine to be with someone but that he did not have to throw away his kids in the mean time! It eventually sunk in and e have a great relationship now and he tries his best to take them from time to time when he is on days off now and we also get along alot better!
@shooie (4989)
• United States
21 Feb 07
Just be honest. Tell her that her father is busy or something came up. When she is older she will understand. My sister had my brothers kids and he did the same. They now know who cared enough to be there for them when they needed someone. That will be you. She is young and well in time it will get easier. Just don't bad mouth him that way he can't come back at you with that or she won't say anything later in life. You could let him tell her he isn't coming. But like I said in time it will get better.
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Feb 07
Instead of giving her the bad news please try to engage her in activities like reading books full of pictures, play with her outdoor and indoor games and if she still asks about her daddy then tell her the truth...as anyways she is going to find it out one way or the other...the earlier the better...that way you will be saved from telling the lie...get more close to her...she will need you more than ever before...best of luck to you both
@nijawife (43)
• Nigeria
21 Feb 07
There is a special bond between fathers and daughters which you can not explain and she has got right to see her father.You can talk to the father if he doesnt mind you calling his number when the daughter want to see him-that will be fair on her.
@kgwat70 (13398)
• United States
21 Feb 07
That is terrible I feel that he does not spend the same amount of time with his daughter that he did before he started seeing his girlfriend. I think his daughter should be more important than the girlfriend right now and would not want to disappoint my daughter if I had one. One hour a week with her is not enough and I feel bad for her. That has to hurt her very much. It has to be hard on you to make up things to your daughter about her dad. Obviously his priorities are really screwed up. You should have a talk with him, if possible, about what he is doing to his daughter and hopefully he will come to his senses and start spendimg time with her again.
@limosonia1 (1560)
• United States
21 Feb 07
It is sad that a parent would stop seeing an innocent child. Maybe he will come around. What ever you do don't bad mouth him to her just make sure that you just make her feel better. If for some reason he never does come around then she will figure it out all by herself and you can be there to make sure that she makes it through ok.
1 person likes this
@vanities (11351)
• Davao, Philippines
21 Feb 07
thats tough really...cant really make any good suggestions yet..havent experience that ..but maybe i could perhaps try some i dont if it works..why not instill into your 3 yr old kid about stories of a very busy character in story book that you could relate it to her to his dad..so that he could understand i mean the kid...
• United States
21 Feb 07
I think that is terrible of him, and he is behaving irresponsibly. However, I believe that it is good for you to stick up for his behavior, to a point. There are times, when she gets older, that she will need the truth. And, hopefully by then, he will have managed to put more time in his relationship with his daughter. How about, contacting him, and explaining the situation to him. If that doesn't work, try contacting his family, maybe they will get through to him. Other than that, all you can say to your daughter is that her dad isn't there, and might not always be, but she has her mom, all the time, anytime she needs her. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@rsa101 (13337)
• Philippines
21 Feb 07
I can truly feel fo your daughter. I have never had an experience my parents being separated at all when I was young and I feel sorry for your daughter having to understand your situation. I wouldn't question your separation but she has to suffer that at that age. I guess you have to be subtle yet firm in explaining to her that her dad soon will be with someone else. i know this has to be harsh but she has to understand that at an early age. I too would be in a difficult situation if i were to be in your place. Another suggestion is to talk to his dad and maybe he could compromise now that her daughter is longing for him. He should really spend some time with her and maybe he's the one that needs some explaining to her daughter why he could not be always in her side anymore.