Depending on someone else is never a good idea

United States
February 22, 2007 1:42am CST
Yes, I realize that love is an important part of everyone's lives, but what if the other person simply doesn't come around? I have seen so many relationships fall apart because one person carries the load of two, and the second person is either unwilling or unable to shoulder any part of that relationship. Sparks fly at the start of any relationship. It's just that one or the other will just fail to keep up with the other. Moral of the story: Be prepared to live alone for certain stretches of time, and enjoy that independence rather than dread it when the time comes.
10 people like this
28 responses
22 Feb 07
im not sure...maybe it depends on how you depend on them? if its money is a bad thing...but like in a way i depend on my boyfriend...i depend on him for being the one i can tell everything too and we depend on each other as we have invested our emotions and lives into each other
2 people like this
• United States
23 Feb 07
That's very precious and I hope it lasts a long time.
• India
22 Feb 07
love is an important element in life. however one needs to be patient to get the best partner for his or her life. in that case, the understanding develops between the partners when they know for a long time. of course one needs some time for his own self. but he or she should also give time to the person he or she thinks is with him or her for the whole life.
• United States
23 Feb 07
You assume that partners will be around and together for long periods of time so they finally "know" each other. I think that is a brutal waste of time when you could be discovering many other things about life and the universe.
@funzone (86)
• India
22 Feb 07
Yes! Absolutely right. When a person falls in love he or she must be responded in the same manner, that might not happen or might happen. Sometimes it may happen that your spouse will not love you because you have no earning, then what will you do. In my case I just sit in front of computer and write something or surfing is my friend that time. I enjoy surfing and then after my spouse realises her mistakes and come back then again we move to a restaurant to enjoy our new relationship.
• United States
23 Feb 07
I wonder about the phrase "falling in love." I wonder if it is a realistic concept. It does happen, but it characteristically does not last.
@Aussies2007 (5339)
• Australia
22 Feb 07
Some people depends on other because that is all they know... and have never learned to be independant. You can only depend on someone else if you are willimg to be their slave. That's a fact. And they will treat you like slaves. Take my word for it. All my life... I have helped people when I could afford to do so. But when they were on their feet and up and running... very few of them were prepare to help me when I needed it... That has changed me. For the past five years... I have decided not to ever help anyone anymore. If you want help from me today... You have to pay.
2 people like this
• United States
23 Feb 07
Yes, in general, your views are quite sound. I have had very little help in my life but I have always sought to help others if I could. Right now, though, I find a lot of comfort in solitude. Just being around other people can make me very nervous and want to get away quickly. Frankly, I can see why some people become hermits. They have to get out from under the weight of so many people who can't take care of themselves and maintain some kind of independence and responsibility.
@vanities (11401)
• Davao, Philippines
23 Feb 07
well youre right then..its not be all and end all...you should love yourself first before loving someone...and always put in mine that only change is constant in this world we live in
@sharkee (63)
• China
23 Feb 07
I wouldn't use the word 'never'. I think depending on someone has got both advantages and disadvantages. When you don't depend on someone you will of course depend a lot on yourself. You will always expect to deal with situations by yourself and if you succeed then you have nobody else to thank but yourself. Likewise, if you fail then you only have yourself to blame. But as the saying goes, 'no man is an island'. Sometimes it's better to depend on someone because little do they know that little by little they're also depending on you, and in that way you become a lot more useful. Your achievements can be celebrated by you and your friends because your success is their success and vice versa. Likewise if you ever fail at least you have a shoulder to cry on.
2 people like this
@astromama (1226)
• United States
22 Feb 07
I think relationships only truly work between two independantly happy people. I am, for the first time in my life, dependant on my husband's income. Due to pregnancy. Prior to this, we both worked, paid equally towards rent, bills, and groceries, and took each other out to dinner, movies, shows... and bought each other little gifts! I consider that 'equal', not 'co-dependant'.
2 people like this
@hopefoo (1145)
• Malaysia
22 Feb 07
I have seen this in ALL relationships. Okay, here's how it is. Sometimes, even when two independant people get together, one inevitably learns to be more dependant on the other. It usually happens I think, because one is always a more sensitive person than the other. Like for example, females tend to coddle their male counterparts. I guess what I'm saying is, sometimes you just unwittingly fall into it and learn how to become more dependant on your other half. It's hard when a couple breaks up but I guess one just has to learn to be independent again then. On the other hand, for women, I believe that they should also be financially secure; just incase. Especially the stay at home ones.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Feb 07
You are very perceptive and correct, especially about how women tend to coddle men. It seems that the kindness of women is not appreciated by men, and in fact some men get spoiled by it and become angry when they are not coddled! Men are not thankful for kindness and this is sad.
1 person likes this
• Australia
24 Feb 07
I think we call it "being taken for granted". This has become a sickness in our society. Everybody takes everyone for granted. Rather than saying thanks... they say "You only did what I expected you to do because it is your job".
2 people like this
@hopefoo (1145)
• Malaysia
24 Feb 07
Kudos *thumbs*
1 person likes this
@boldriq (201)
• Slovenia
26 Feb 07
In my oppinion the best realtionship between the two lovers, partners, is when they make a good team as a whole. Having simillar but and yet not to many identical interests, so they even learn some things from each other. Each of them must be an independent, sustainable person as a whole. If both are capable of achieving their own personal goals in life then they spend more quality time together, not sharing problems and dissapointment mostly. Yet, if there are any problems, they are more succesfull in solving them. It is almost as if I'm speaking of the perfect people, a perfect couple. But I do not. What I have in mind is a sort of an optimum, a ballance in relationship in which no one of the two is constantly having problems and the other just a constant success.
1 person likes this
• United States
26 Feb 07
These are well-reasoned statements. The key: You admit that each person needs to be "independent" and "sustainable" on their own! Great observations.
@ESKARENA1 (18299)
24 Feb 07
we are born alone, we die alone the only person you can rely upon is yourself, everyone else lets you down sooner or later , blessed be
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Feb 07
Nothing further need be said.
@merkava (1225)
• Philippines
22 Feb 07
I believe in that. It's unhealthy in a relationship when one party is carrying all the burden. The only exception to that rule is if one of the couple was unable to support the other before the relationship began. There are rare cases like now, I'm 3 weeks into my injury and I could barely do any tasks. My girlfriend now does most of the chores for me like cleaning the car and buying groceries. When our relationship began we both promised each other to compromise and support one another to the best of our abilities. The only case I can see which is an exception is if the other party is impaired in a medical manner.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Feb 07
Yes, of course, you are right. I find it easy to help someone I love and I will do what I can if they are impaired and cannot help themselves. That is a different matter. Thanks for reminding me of that.
• Canada
22 Feb 07
If you've never learned to be independent, you'll always be dependent on someone whether it be your partner, or someone in your family, sometimes, even a friend. Love is indeed, a very important part of our lives and sometimes it's hard to find. When one person carries the load of two it becomes that much harder to keep the relationship going, but then if one of the couple can't or won't shoulder any responsibility for the relationship, then they shouldn't be in a relationship at all. It'll be a waste of time because they just want someone to cling to without all the responsibilities. I don't like living alone. Time to do what I want to do is important to me, but living on my own would see me bored stupid and lonely.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Feb 07
I would rather have love find me rather than go around looking for love.
• United States
22 Feb 07
I used to be that type of person who would carry the weight of the relationship, but, after my last relationship (which ended in June 2000), I have learned that I shouldn't be doing this. In fact, I have realized that I shouldn't do this at all, and I enjoyed living on my own. I have learned that I have a problem with this, which is also called co-dependency. I have problems with depending on people too much, so, when I learned that I could do without someone, I retrained myself on becoming more independent and realizing that depending on someone else is just not enough for me anymore. I have to do for myself just like everyone else does. Now, I am in another relationship, and I have found myself doing the same thing again. Well, I don't like doing this now because he has thrown this in my face. Last year, when we ended up living together, he told me not to worry about working. Well, now, since we have a baby together, he tells me that he never said this. He calls me lazy and says that I don't do enough around here. Well, that is not so. I take care of our baby, which is a 24 hour, 7 days a week job. He doesn't do much, but go to work and clean up when he "feels" like it. I have to nag him to help out, but when I do this, I am being a you-know-what. So, I am now realizing that I have become co-dependent again, and I don't like how it feels. It's just not working out for me like this. I have learned that they have all used it against me, and I end up looking like the bad person in the relationship. So, since I have learned all of this, then I don't need to be in any relationship. I need to literally retrain myself to live on my own without anyone's help, and I will probably have to go to counseling so I can get help in dealing with my problem of co-dependency, as well as all of the emotional and verbal abuse that my current boyfriend has put me through. So, yes, living on your own sometimes is the best medicine for anyone who isn't married. Great discussion!
• United States
23 Feb 07
This is what puzzles me. A married couple might get a divorce, then when they remarry, the same issues crop up in the new relationships, and more divorce ensues. Hey, why not just be independent and free and not depend on other people? It would be a good break and a time to settle down for a while emotionally and find out nice it is to have solitude and peace.
@dana234 (2116)
• Spain
22 Feb 07
People who become dependent in a relationship would generally rather be in bad company than be alone. That´s why they tend to cling to the other person, who might enjoy this at first, but eventually get tired of it. If you make yourself depend on someone emotionally your partner will gradually loose respect for you which is fatal for any relationship. If you depend on someone you live in constant fear and anxiety. A relationship can only work out in the long run when each partner is emotionally independent.
• United States
23 Feb 07
I've never really heard this view but there is a ring of truth to it. It explains why women can get into abusive relationships but just keep enabling the abuser because that's all they really know.
@kathy77 (7488)
• Australia
22 Feb 07
Yes love is very important part of our lives, and yes you are correct a lot of the times one person carries the load of two people but this is not right. Oh well I think I would have to think about what you are saying here but it is a good idea to only reply on yourself.
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Feb 07
People don't start off like that but it seems to end up that way for some reason.
@gabs8513 (48712)
• United Kingdom
25 Feb 07
I have also kept my Independants which is a good Job to as I am now divorced after 21 years of Marriage and I had no problem at all. I would never depend on anyone as I know at the end of the Day I am alone and I will cope alone.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
24 Feb 07
Love is important, but it has been said many times that to truly love somebody, one must learn to love and appreciate himself first. People are sometimes blinded by love, that they often mistake love for pity, or love for convenience, etc. When this happens, the other party tends to abuse the situation. Having been in a relationship where my partner simply ignored what was going on between us because, as he claims, I was very much capable of handling them for both of us, my self-esteem suffered a terrible blow, and it took me a while to bounce back. Relationships do start like fairy tales, but if partners don't work together towards keeping it that way, then it's bound to end. One thing I've learned from my failed fairy tale is that I am bound to be alone until I've found my prince charming. And until then, I will continue to enjoy every single moment I have, so when he finally comes, I could live out my fairy tale.
1 person likes this
@xParanoiax (6997)
• United States
23 Feb 07
Amen to that. I carried the load of two once myself..and I've personally experienced how things can all go to hell because of it..so I've always said, a relationship takes WORK on both sides or else it has no chance in a million years of working out. Independance can bevery refreshing..and QUITE enjoyable, I don't believe being single is something that should be feared. It's just another part of life, a necessary one. A time for reflecting, and most likely reacquianting yourself with yourself (ha).
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Feb 07
I could not agree with you more. People, and women especially, need to be more independent. People cannot always depend on the other person to come around. In this day and age, divorce rates are at an all time high. We need to be so careful when it comes to relying on another person because people are not so trusting, and I have found that out the hard way.
1 person likes this
@vangie79 (198)
• Philippines
23 Feb 07
Sometimes we became blinded when we are inlove. We use to pamper our partners, giving what he wants and share our affections all the time. We didn't noticed that we are becoming a second mom to them, LOL. And we never received any appreciations in everything we do for them. Why men are like that to us. As i can see we have fault also, we are not helping them to be a man and stand on their own feet. They are always depending on us cause they've thought that we can manage and handle our relationships to them. They are not making any effort to work out the relationship. I know some of you are thinking and hoping that one day your bf will give the equivalent or just any effort to show that you are important to him and be the man in your relationship.
1 person likes this