I Need Advise Please!

@Bytemi (1553)
United States
February 22, 2007 6:23am CST
My Ex-Husband is having our three year old daughter sleep in his bed with him. He says that she is scared of her room. When I ask her, she says that Dad loves me and that is why they sleep together. I think that she is much to old to be sleeping with her father every night. After discussing it with him, he said that he would try and make her sleep in her room and I send over a couple of her favorite blankets, told him he needed to close the blinds because she can't sleep if she can see outside it is scary to her. Well I got a call last night around 9:00 and he said that our daughter was sitting in her room crying and scream and has been that way every time he leaves the room. I tried to talk to her but he said that she hid her face in a pillow and didn't want to talk to me. :( Am I wrong? Isn't she too old to be sleeping with her Dad? Should I just let this go? How can we get her to sleep in her own room? Is wrong to say just let her scream she will fall asleep eventually? Thank you in advance!
24 people like this
61 responses
@crowfan (67)
• United States
22 Feb 07
no you are most definately not wrong! talk ot her dad and if maybe he will stay in her room with her not on the bed and just sit there until shes asleep
8 people like this
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
22 Feb 07
Well that is great idea, I didn't think of that. Do you think it would help if I went over there at bed time and put her to bed with him?? Maybe a new routine.
5 people like this
• Philippines
23 Feb 07
yup, that will be better. Seeing you two together before she falls asleep is a good thing. But actually 3 years old is not that old yet to sleep in a parent's room. But its not a bad thing to train her to start sleeping on her own.
6 people like this
• United States
23 Feb 07
Have you and your ex been apart long? Has he recently moved into a new place? I'm just wondering if there is a reason a child her age is so afraid of her room. I'd advise against you going over there to put her to bed, it will start a routine that will become a pain really fast. Plus it can disrupt her time getting used to being alone with her father. Unless there is something you are suspicious of, I wouldn't be too concerned with her sleeping in her father's bed. I'd be more concerned about why she's so afraid of sleeping in her own room.
5 people like this
@Sissygrl (10915)
• Canada
22 Feb 07
Does she have a routine at your house that he could follow at his house as well ? like bath, brush teeth, read a book, lights out ? My husband has a 3 year old son and when he is visiting here sometimes he will ask his dad to sleep in his bed with him. and sometimes if he has been good that day he will lay with him untill he falls asleep. How long has she been going to his house ? maybe she is just still not used to sleeping in a new spot, she will get used to it :)
6 people like this
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
22 Feb 07
My Ex-Husband and I have been separated for over 2 years, she was just a baby when this started and her room has not changed. He has never enforced her sleeping in her own room and I think we or she is paying for the now. I am happy that I finally got him to listen that is inappropriate, this has been 2 years in the making.
4 people like this
22 Feb 07
Perhaps if her Dad could sit with her in her own roo, maybe read her stories until she falls asleep. Maybe a little night light in her room would help or even a radio playing quietly in the background. I think she is too old to be sleeping in with her Dad and she should really be in her own bed.
@stateroad (730)
• United States
22 Feb 07
You are not wrong at all. Your daughter should sleep alone and in her own bed. If she is afraid then your ex should just sit in a chair in her room until she falls asleep. I just do not think it is right for him to have her sleep in his bed with him. It may be very innocent but it just does not seem pratical to let that go on. I understand not wanting to let her cry and scream but she needs to understand it is not normal for her to sleep in the same bed with her DAD.
22 Feb 07
I think you should discuss this with your ex and ask if he could try to adopt the same bedtime routine you have explaining that you do not think it is a good idea that she sleeps in his bed. You need to put a stop to this now before she gets any older. He has to be strong and not give into her all the time. It will be hard at first but definately worth it in the end. It sounds to me that she is playing him up and he takes the easy option.
3 people like this
• India
22 Feb 07
I think, Your thinking some wrongly, It may be only fathe's and daughte's love , So that you don't worry about it . You talk with your husband and tell him that you don't like this type of sleeping style,I hope your husband will understand your problem.
4 people like this
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
22 Feb 07
I have spoke to him and he finally agreed. Developmently, I don't think it is a good thing for her to be sleeping in the same bed with either of us.
2 people like this
• Philippines
23 Feb 07
You're definitely right on what you're doing...u should not spoiled your daughter...maybe the best thing u can do is accompany her in her room until he fell asleep or you can ask her Dad to do either...I know ur just concern with your daughter that's why you are doing that...and i think your daughter in not mature enough to understand you this time...
• France
23 Feb 07
Well u certainly need to take some action in this, why don't you keep the daughter with you and make her sleep with u and then slowly u can ask her to sleep in her bed may be initially in your room only and then send her to her own room
3 people like this
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
23 Feb 07
She sleeps in her room with me, I had a problem one night and it was quickly resolved. My ex is a softy and she knows it.
1 person likes this
@20031969 (934)
• India
23 Feb 07
i am very sentimental in this issue. so if you wish to listen my advise, then my opinion is that let her baby to sleep with her father and yourslef till the age of 5-6. when she will mature, she start sleeping herself on the other room. she needs more love and affection.
@sunny1984 (640)
• India
23 Feb 07
If shee is scared of sleeping in her room let her sleep with him there is no harm in that as he is is father.
3 people like this
@jolanda33 (720)
• Netherlands
23 Feb 07
i think you are right! she is taking advance of the situation! ofcourse she tries everything to be in bed with her father. he has to be strong! it will cost him some time but then she sleeps in her own room! maybe they can change the room a little bit so she knows it's realy her room. when she goes to bed, dad has to tell her that it's bedtime and that she sleeps in her own bed. she will cry, ofcourse and scream (because it already worked to get out of bed and sleep with dad again!) after two nights i am sure she sleeps in her own bed. the only thing that matters is to bestrong and hold on!
3 people like this
@xeron0719 (812)
• Hong Kong
23 Feb 07
I think you or your husband should sit besides your daughter's bed, adn wait for her to sleep instead of sleeping in her bed. By the way, I don't think that your daughter is too old to sleep with her dad. ;-)
3 people like this
• United States
23 Feb 07
Our toddler loves to sleep in our bed and doesn't want to sleep in her own room and her toddler bed. Then we get her a full size bed and she had to pick her own bedsheets and how many pillows she wants. I thought I will have a tough time with her getting out of our bed but I was wrong. It just took her a night and she never ever want to be in our bed again. I guess what your ex can do is let her pick what she wants to be in her bed. Make it more enticing that she wants to stay in there. If she loves a certain character, get a pillow like it or a stuff toy. Probably she will get over it. If this continues, try going over there by there, check the room with nightlight on or whatever and check if there are certain shadows that she can see if she is still awake. Sometimes, a light from the outside or inside can cast shadows in the room that is spooky to them but not to us adults. Try to be in her shoes and cover everything why she won't stay in her own bed if she is with her father. Last resort, check her bed....probably she needed a new mattress coz the bed is uncomfortable.
3 people like this
• United States
22 Feb 07
I think it's perfectly normal to be concerned. I would talk to your ex about this and your daughter too! Maybe you guys can work something out that works for everyone.
23 Feb 07
my advice is first you ask her that from whom she is scaringand when you know about it than give her a proper explaination on it.be with her like her friend so that she can told you every thing about her freely with out any aggitation.i think she will understand your views.
2 people like this
• United States
23 Feb 07
She is three. As an example of what they understand, When I used to spank my three year old the only thing she understood was mommy just hurt her, which is why we figured out another way to discipline. That is a whole nother issue though. I don't think she will understand more than "mommy is trying to take me away from daddy".
1 person likes this
• Philippines
23 Feb 07
I don't know if this will help but I am really close to my dad and sometimes I still hang out with him and my mom in their room. I feel comfortable with him, I've always been a daddy's girl.
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
23 Feb 07
Oh, I am very close to my dad as well and yes I hang out in his room talking to him all the time, but I never sleep in there and never did. If I had a nightmare, I would sleep on the couch outside his room.
@Bangalorean (1282)
• India
23 Feb 07
It seems like you are more worried of your daughter, if thatz teh case then I would not have expected you to divorce or live separately from your husband. Now that you have already got separated from him then why did you not try to get custody of your daughter.I am sorry, I cant be rosy on this issue. Please introspect. Now if you say so and your ex-husband is co-operative then ask him to hand over the custody of your daughter to you. Please dont make the little one suffer for the sake of your problems. Sleeping alone or not, is a small issue, she will have to face bigger issues in the future all becoz of you both.
2 people like this
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
23 Feb 07
OK first of all, I have custody of my daughter and so does my ex, we have joint custody, she needs both parents in her life. I am so tired of everyone telling me that I scared my daughter because got divorced, the alternative of her growing up in house where are to together was a much worse option. I am a child of divorce, actually many times over and I know the pitfalls and I know what not to do. She is going to be fine because her father and I get along just fine now that we are not married and there is no jealousy involved in marriage.
@lvhughes (545)
• United States
22 Feb 07
she is still just a baby. she may just need the security and to feel safe. some kids never get over a devorce. and ever as a adult alot of people still get comfort out of being near the parents. my son is two and thinks he has to slep with dad every night. we wait until he falls asleep and then we put him in is bed. you may want to start her sleeping in her bed but in his room and gradualy move her into her room. i had to do that with both my girls. if she spends more time with you than with him it may just be the need to be closer to him.
2 people like this
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
23 Feb 07
I don't think she even recognizes the divorce. She was 1 when we separate. The only thing she has ever known is Mommy and Daddy living apart. I think it will be a couple of years before she notices that she is not suppose to have a PoPo and a Daddy.
@porgie (268)
• United States
22 Feb 07
that's oedipe complex a very natural stage but she have to pass it or she's gonna be in trouble all her life...
2 people like this
@Myrrdin (3601)
• Canada
22 Feb 07
This is not Oedipus complex, Oedipus complex referres to a child viewing the father as an adversary in for the love of the mother. Perhaps this would qualify more as the Electra complex though, but I don't think that even works, the child is three, this is more about not sleeping in her room then anything else.
1 person likes this
@sarsons (207)
22 Feb 07
A girlfriend I had used to let her daughter sleep with us and she was 4 years old. Nothing wrong in this directly
@Bytemi (1553)
• United States
22 Feb 07
Oh see now, if he had a girlfriend spending the night I would have a real issue with that. That is just wrong.
@nishanity (1651)
• India
23 Feb 07
well u r right about her sleeping in her own room.... but if she is scared i think you should take the matter seriously!!! apparantly somethihng in that room really terrifies her... try to find tht out and if you cant,then get some psychiatrist's help!! she shouldnt be this petrified of something!
2 people like this