Responsibilites and family annoyances
By sechsey
@sechsey (1831)
Canada
March 11, 2007 3:42am CST
I am just gonna take this opportunity to vent in mylot. I am having a cranky day and my family's not making it easy.
Im married but everyone still expect me to based my decision on what my family wants. I have a husband who needs my help and stuff but my family is just incredibly frustrating to the point of me being annoyed with them all the time. They expect me to be responsible in everything concerning them still. And i hate it. because i am no longer supposed to be solely responsible for it. I have two other brothers who can handle that. But you know what, what sucks more is that when my other brother say he has other priorities so he cant take care of family's problems they say ok, no questions ask. And when tey go to me, they make it feel like world will end if i dont help and that im such a lousy daughter if i dont help! I am the only married child too so why me?!
They still got to em and ask hows you brother? hows your other brother? did he do well in class? did he pass his exams? My god! ask my brother! And oh hows your other brother? Did he text? Did he go to your place? Did he do this and that? Again, I dont know! I am not their keeper! but my parents expects me to be their keeper! Im so pissed because you know what they never once asked anything abt me. Did they ask if i can handle all the expenses here in the house feeding my brother and his girlfriend living with us? Did they ask if it sok for me to lend my hard earned money to them and cant expect payment even if i am short of money to pay bills now since evrything is budgetted? Did tehy even ask how my married life is? Did they ask how my husband is doing? argh!
Theys till think that just ebcause i am the eldest i am supposed to be solely loyal to them and have all my efforts be directed to them. I dont think they understand. I have told them endlessly that my husband and I are trying to save for the time i am moving out fo the country with him to begin our lives. but how can i do that if all my family's probelsm seems to be my problem and i seem to be the one who needs to find a solution for it? How can I when they expet me to help them financially when i cant now? They expect me to pay the whole expenses here in the house and when i did they expect to lend all money to my brother whenever they are late sending him allowances. And when they sent him allowance and I ask if theyve included what my brother borrowed , theyll just tell me that if its ok to think of that later??? They didnt even ask if i need the money or what which i do. Sigh.. im tired. really.. I just wish for once i dont have to worry or that they will appreciate it. Or that see that i am not their only kid. And that they have a son who earns more than them or me and can help.
Sorry for venting. But i couldnt contain it or else:P
9 people like this
16 responses
@monica1981 (466)
• United States
11 Mar 07
I understand where you're coming from. Although I'm an adult, my family treats me as though I'm a child and should do everything they say or want me to do. I think I may have made the problem worse for myself by giving in so many times, however I've stopped doing that. Remind your family you're an adult, and you can make your own decisions concerning YOUR life.
1 person likes this
@sechsey (1831)
• Canada
11 Mar 07
That is one of my problem too monica. My parents i think have difficulty letting go of their kids. We live away from them and have started our own lives. One funny thing happened the other weekend though, my dad texted me while i was out with friends. Of course , i told him im not home since i am out with my grilfriends. You know what he said back? He asked me why i am out. That i should go home now because its getting late. Do you know what time it was? 830pm! I was only out for movies with my girlfriends which we always do. He even texted me the enxt day to say that i shouldnt do that again because i am married and that if my husband finds out he will be angry. So i should avoid that. Lol little does he know that my husband encourages me to go out with friends because its healthier for a relationship that way. My dad is weird sometimes and even more protective about me even if I am 25 and married!
@earnwhilelearn (269)
• India
11 Mar 07
You are not sorry for this. Infact there is a proverb back in my region which is translated into "Your heaviness due to sadness lessens when you share yor sadness with others."
I can see from this that even your husband is not willing to stand by you may be because of external factors of work tension or extra burden whatever.
Everyone has problems of this sort and one should be courageuos and face them. Be Brave.
@sechsey (1831)
• Canada
12 Mar 07
My husband is standing next to em all the way. He does not approve of all of these but he dislike how we have to spend our money, here and there just because they cant afford but we can. I feel like we have been taken for granted, that and our needs. I so desperately want them , my family, to know that my husband and i are preparing for our lives together. But i feel like they forgotten that or think that my husband is earning for that and for them too which is far from the truth.
1 person likes this
@greengal (4286)
• United States
11 Mar 07
Oh sechsey, I had no idea you were under such family pressure. I do feel bad for you that you have so many responsibilities. I think you should talk to your parents first and tell them what your problem is. And talk to your brothers too. It's high time you put your foot down and let them know you have a life of your own too and you need some respect. You really have been doing a lot for your family and the least they can do is be grateful and appreciate what you are doing for them. If you can't talk to your parents reason with your brothers. At least they should have the courtesy to shoulder responsibilities along with you. In fact they should be doing a lot more than you, since you are the girl in the family. When two men are earning then they should take care too. I hope everything works out for you sechsey, and hope you felt better by letting it out here:)
1 person likes this
@sechsey (1831)
• Canada
12 Mar 07
Thank you for taking the time greengal. I was so angry yesterday because it feels like i need to do everything for everyone! It was like im my brothers keeper or nanny that they asked me everything my brother does which is annoying. When i say i dont know, they tell me i should know. Sigh...
I did talk to my other brother about how difficult it is for me. He is the very reason actually why i have to pay for the whole house expense here when we originally agreed to share. He left to live with his girlfriend shortly a month after we moved to this apartment. I told him i have no income except my husband so how can he expect me to pay the bills and rent and as well as help around my parents needs. All he said was that he needs to save because he doesnt have enough money blah blah because he is renting an expensive apartment with his gf. Argh! He even told my parents that as much as he wants to help them, he cant. he has his own life and my parents should try to take care of themselves for now. My god! later after a few months, i found out he did well. He earned more than my dad, bought a new motorcycle, and planned to get married. It was so easy for him to say I am old enough to make my own decision and my parents let him be without questions asked. When i told that to my parents, i think i receive a more like , i have no more respect left for them. How unfair?
I tried talking to my other brother. Its useless. It will jst hurt our relationship. And im expected again to be more mature and understand for that since i am the eldest. Imagine what family pressure is like.:P
@sigma77 (5383)
• United States
11 Mar 07
I am not sure of the customs in your country. I think it is important for you to have your own life with your husband and your own happiness. You have responsibilities to your marriage and those have to be your priority. As long as you allow others to take away from that, you will be unhappy. Tell them, meaning your parents, how you feel. Tell them you love them and that you are married and have your own life to take care of first. Unless you make your feelings known, they will continue to take advantage of the situation and you will be miserable, as you are now.
1 person likes this
@sechsey (1831)
• Canada
12 Mar 07
I actually tried telling them before Sigma that i have no extra money and just wanted to save for now. I even told my mom about winning 60dollars and so happy that i can get some things paid but feels like its not enough for everything. She didnt even comment about me winning but more about why i have no money. How come my husband doesnt send enough money? Sometimes i am disappointed with my parents and with what they say. So normally, i never ask anymore or tell them stuff unless its amazingly good.:(
@yanjiaren (9031)
•
11 Mar 07
Oh you remind me what i went through in my previous marriage..and unfortunately I was the Cinderella for my ex'sgrown up sons , wives plus the local community. We got ourselves in debt giving moeny to all these people..me braking my back to cook and clean for them and in the end i was not even given a decent thankyou. I know what it'slike to be taken for granted. Best thing for you is to just go on strike! Maybe that will send off a message..
@sechsey (1831)
• Canada
11 Mar 07
It came across my mind to go on strike but i know my parents, they dont tolerate it evem if im married. So that's like asking for trouble number 2. hmm maybe i shouldnt care for that too?:P
Im just pissed earlier because they just expect me to pay for stuff when in the first place i was against with. They were the one who decided to get it done even if i dont want to because of course i know t wasnt practical moneywise but they want it their way and here i go and might suffer the consequences by paying for it with my husband's money of course. Just so inconsiderate and unfair sometimes.
@RobinJ (2501)
• Canada
11 Mar 07
you have every right to be angry, because if you allow this it will carry on until your parents are gone. Yes to a certain extent you owe them a bit of loyalty, but that does not include you paying their or any ones bill other than your own, they have priority, over everything, As for your brothers advise them you have responsibilities with your husband and child and they will have to get off their butts and help you parents like good sons. I would tell your parents that the time has come for them to look out for their own welfare and that your brothers are adults as well and can help them and they have to contact them You do not have the time or energy to do this any more your health and marriage are at risk and you are not going to allow that to happen. You must be firm with them and be a bit thick skinned as they will try to guilt trip you and do not allow this to happen as well. They are all adults and it is time they started to think and behave like adults not dependent children, You are not a bank nor a family counseling service, tell them to take their problems to the professionals, You can do this,
1 person likes this
@sechsey (1831)
• Canada
12 Mar 07
Thank you for that robinj. I know all of you said the same advices. I will try talking with them again. Try without appearing like I am talking back to them like how it always comes out. This is bad but makes me feel going away to another country with my husbnd helps me escape a bit of this family pressure. Dont get me wrong, i will miss them and they are afterall my family. But i dont think i will miss the kind of problems i get with all the responsibilities that goes with it. Responsibilities that may be too much already.
@gsnarayanan (1704)
• India
12 Mar 07
In our country,India, the girls once married, they no longer are responsible for her parrents. They go with her husband and are responsible for him and his family. If you have intention of supporting your parrents and brothers you can do it. But I suggest that you discuss with your husband and decide. You are free to go with your husbnd and lead your life. If still you have to support your parrents, you can do it on need based basis. You can politely tell them that you will help them when they find no other source. But again you can consult with your husband and take a decision. Once your brothers realise their responsibility, they should take care of the family and you need not support them 100%.
1 person likes this
@djbtol (5493)
• United States
12 Mar 07
Sounds like you are facing some challenging times. Family, as well as other people, often bring many challenges to us. You must do a good job when you do take responsibility, since the others want to take advantage of that and rely on you. Hope it works out well.
1 person likes this
@lucy02 (5016)
• United States
12 Mar 07
I hate to say it but it sounds like they are taking advantage of your generosity. You may have to put your foot down with them. Could you maybe tell them a "white lie" and say that your husband is having to send some of his money to his parents or brother or sister (some family member) as they are having a hard time for some reason? I wouldn't suggest that but it might be the only way to keep the peace.
@smkwan2007 (1036)
• Hong Kong
12 Mar 07
I am sorry about your situation. Maybe, people know you are a nice girl and you are the one who always shoulders the responsibility of taking care of everyone. In many Chinese communities, people always let the boys to have fun and ask the girls to care for the families. They are supposed to be the ones who cook, wash and do all the chores. Well, it is unfair, but it is the tradition in some culture. You just can't change it in one day.
@cefaz_21 (2596)
• Philippines
12 Mar 07
Hi! I hope you're feeling good now (or even better) It's always good to let out those feelings wether vent,rant or rave, at least you don't keep it on yourself or else you'll explode and that won't do you any good, Why not talk to your brothers? Are you the only girl? coz parents tend to give more responsibility to elder sisters than guys ,they think girls are more responsible than boys.Try to talk to your parents too and learn to say NO sometimes, I know it's hard specially to family but you have to learn it for your "family" too..remember that you have now a family of your own though you're apart and don't have kids yet (i suppose) Do not tolerate them and make them more dependent on you.Stand firm on your decision and release yourself from any guilt,think of the many favors you have given them to the point that you ahve sacrficed your dreams and future plans like going with your husband just to be with thema nd take good acre of them. I just hope they'd understand. :) Cheer up!
1 person likes this
@retardedrugrat (4791)
• Canada
12 Mar 07
I'm really sorry that your family are putting you through such a hard time. It's really not fair, or right, especially since you're now married.
Honestly, I think the time has come where you have to toughen your heart and say no to them. And keep saying no.
When they ask to borrow money, say no. When they ask how your brothers are, say you don't know. When they expect you to solve their problems say you don't have time, and that you have other priorities. Your family seem to be aware that if they kick up a fuss that you'll cave and sort things out. You need to stop doing that.
Nip this in the bud NOW, because the longer it goes on, the worse it'll get. At the end of the day, you're now a married woman, and your first priority is to yourself and your husband. Your family will get by fine without needing you. They just need to realize that.
I wish you all the very best of luck.
1 person likes this
@bobby28 (190)
• Nigeria
12 Mar 07
Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown,you are a Queen,l feel for you because the pressure is too much for you to handle,but let me tell you something,there are some people that were brought to earth to be leaders and not followers,you are a leader so don't take it in a bad way,l believe you can discuss with your parents to understand that they need to be easy on you a bit,am sure they will see things your way.
@domesticengineer (576)
• Philippines
12 Mar 07
By reading what you've said. It's really long ha. Just to make you feel good. You're such a great person and from great person comes great and wonderful things. Everything you're doing right now for others will soon give wonderful fruits. You may be suffering now but the world doesn't stop now. Take one day at a time and be thankful that a lot of people depends on you instead of you depending on them.
@mohitmohitmohit (5)
• India
11 Mar 07
ok i am new to mylot and maybe my response will not be as good as others but i can say that i face the same problem in my family.the first thing you have to do is the family persons that are irritating yu first go to them and share your feelings with them in a polite manner and i am sure that they will understand.Believe me it worked for me and hopefully it will work for you also.
@kavi112 (232)
• India
11 Mar 07
iam really sorry you had a pretty bad day today.. thats all right tommorow will dawn so much of happiness into you...just ignore people who often try to irritate,hurt or upset you...and you dont hav to be sorry for ventin.. we in mylot are your friends no sorry's please...
1 person likes this
