he says i'm beautiful and i please him, but why is still looking at other women

March 16, 2007 5:48pm CST
MY HUSBAND WILL NOT GEY TIRED TO TELL ME HOW GOOD I LOOK SOMETIMES AND HOW HAPPY HE IS WITH ME, AND HOW I PLEASE HIM, WITH ME HE HAS IT ALL, HE DONT NEED TO LOOK FOR NOTHING ELSE BUT YET, WHEN WE GO SOMEWHERE, AN AVERAGE GIRL WILL GET HIS ATTENTION, HE TOTALLY FORGETS I'M RIGHT NEXT TO HIM AND LOOKS AT OTHER WOMEN HARD, THEN WHEN I CONFRONT HIM HE denys it!!!! and responds with i just said in the beggining !!!!, why does he do that???i try my best to please him, if he likes girls in skirts, i'll wear skirts for him, he likes long hair, i dont cut my hair, and much more but he doesn't stop, what should i do, it really hurt my feelings
13 people like this
43 responses
• Malaysia
17 Mar 07
It is natural for guys to look at other girls. Look at it this way it is better that he looks when you are around than when you are not and get tempted. Also if this really troubles you then tell him seriously. Also you think he look worries you, I can tell you that as a guy, we think about making love with nearly every our type of girls that we come across seeing. So better that you do not know too much what guys think! Anyway, thinking is just thinking and we dont react or take action.
1 person likes this
17 Mar 07
well the way i look at it, if he does this in front of me, what is he doing behind my back?, obviously he dont care if i'm around, so when i'm not around it might be even worse?
@waynet (2650)
17 Mar 07
all men are conditioned to look at other women, we are programmed to do this and find a new mate to spread our dirty seed, of course it is natures way of punishing the women at times, but we men are a simple lot and we are visually entertained far more,sorry!!
1 person likes this
17 Mar 07
you are programmed !!!, so what you guys are some kind of robots, you have no feelings and no common sense then ???, i did not know God has made you guys that way, i'm sorry but you choose who you are and what you do.....
@hoghoney (3749)
• United States
17 Mar 07
this is what you do the next time you two are out and he starts looking at other woman just smack him in the back of the head. I bet a few times of that he will quit looking.
1 person likes this
17 Mar 07
ha ha ha ha, yep i'll do that
• United States
16 Mar 07
I would just yell at him. My boyfriend did that for about a month. He doesn't do it anymore. At least to a point where I notice. I don't believe it is "natural" for men to do this. I think society has embedded it into them that they can do it and get away with it.
1 person likes this
16 Mar 07
amen.....finally someone that understands !!!, i just dont want him to do it in front of me... i dont think he'll stop totally but just have some respect, i mean he gets jealous of other man too..what the heck!!!
• Canada
17 Mar 07
Honestly, it's in a man's nature to look at other women. They say they can't help it and they probably can't. At the end of the day, your man comes home to you every night, he tells you he loves you and how beautiful you are, and that should make you feel secure. As for being online, there is a very fine line between innocent and not so innocent and sometimes it's hard to differentiate between the two. If your husband is making you feel this bad then sit down with him and tell him how his actions are making you feel. It might be that he simply doesn't realize. I wish you the very best of luck in sorting this out.
@kunzite (16)
17 Mar 07
i think that your guy may just admire the beauty of women. also, he tells you that you look good and he never tires of saying such should be good enough to let you know that he must love you much. you don't have to mimic other women like styling yourself to how they look just to please your husband. if he truly loves you, he will love you just the way you are the natural you.
1 person likes this
@lbbaby (489)
• China
17 Mar 07
I think it's the nature of men. We know that everyone love some beautiful things. So that is the same that we would like to look at a handsome man rather than a plain man.But he loves you really.
1 person likes this
@ZenDove (698)
• United States
17 Mar 07
Why? Cause he's an inconsiderate jerk. My husband tried to pull that "men are visual" crap on me. I tried to explain to him that it wasn't the looking that bothered me, it was the gawking! The stopping in the middle of a conversation with me to watch a woman walk by. The staring all the way across a room. I'm not insecure about my own attractiveness, I just found it rude beyond words. When he kept trying to justify his behavior, I started walking away. Wherever we were, a coffeeshop, a grocery store, restaurant, once while we were sitting in traffic! I was done talking and I was not going to be disrespected. So, whenever he would gawk, I would walk away from him, refused to look at him, refused to talk to him. I meant business and wanted nothing to do with his excuses. He doesn't do it anymore. Sure, he looks but not where I have to notice it. No more comments or gawking. Sometimes I can feel him straining not to look! Pretty funny, really. But I can't abide being disrespected by a man, especially not my man. And stop all that "trying my best to please him" business. It doesn't work. Men aren't impressed by you jumping through hoops for them. Besides, they aren't gawking at these women because they are so starved for beauty. They stare because she is new, unconquered. She's only interesting because he hasn't had her yet. Stop being hurt and get fed up.
17 Mar 07
yeah i think you're right is that whole she is new thing, cause sometimes he lloks at girls that honestly are not prettier than me, i ant no beauty queen , but i know when someone is better looking than me, and like i keep saying, is not that i he is not allowed to look at all, cause that is hard, but just have some liltle respect and dont dizz me because of it
• United States
16 Mar 07
I think you should sit down with your husband and tel him what he does and how it makes you feel and see if he is willing to listen and take your feeling's into consideration if he truly loves you he will P.S. your not suppose to do all caps it is considered yelling @ people
16 Mar 07
oooops sorry about the caps thing, we have spoken about it and he has admitted he is doing wrong by doing it the way he does, i understand is their nature but they should understand respect, and i told him how it makes me feel, but he wont stop.......is not that i dont want him look at all, cause i know that aint possible but he overdoes it, first he denys it, then he appologyzes ?
• United States
17 Mar 07
Ok you need to calm down. You need to understand that you could be a super model and he would still look at other women. That is just the way men are. Men are programmed with the 'need to spread their seed' and to diversify the species so to speak. Don't take it personal. You know it is ok if you look at men too! You know just cause your on a diet doesn't mean you can't look at the menu. So just cause your are married doesn't mean your eyes stopped working.
• Philippines
17 Mar 07
hey! Mabel you're over reacting 'coz for me it's no big deal! At least he let you know how important you are to him, he keeps reminding you that and it's a good sign. Well we're just humans... it happens to me also and of course with you. We admire others beauty and looks but it's different when you admire the one you love 'coz you accepted the whole he is. That is what Love is....
• India
17 Mar 07
i'm married too and have noticed the same thing in my hubby too. i think all men have the same habit. but men don't understand that it can be one of the biggest turn-off for women no matter how hard a man tries other ways to please a woman. i discussed this with my spouse too, told him straight forwardly that i've noticed him looking at attractive women in the public place but he explains that he has never had a bad intention behind that. he says i unneccesarily am distrusting him. even if i believe him, as i do coz i love him so dearly, he should see to it that he don't ogle atleast when i'm with him...and that it make me get turned-off big time, when he does that, no strong logical reason for getting bugged. but i think men are way yoo selfish than women and care a damn for our snall requests.
• United States
17 Mar 07
Have you tried throwing a tantrum? The next time he does it, if the girl is close enough, just start yelling and screaming..."WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? YOU WANT HER INSTEAD? WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?" Make it as load as possible, start crying if you have to, get total strangers to stop and stare at the both of you. That should teach him!
@Angelinka (1411)
• Italy
17 Mar 07
my husband is the same like yours...i was living with it for 3 years now...but now i am seriously thinking to leave him...i just cant stand it anymore,i got enough..maybe you are luckier thanme,because your men is only looking to them...mine is doing much much worse things..so..i wish you all the best,try to be calm and to talk about it ,if he doesnt understand you(like it happend to me) that means that you are just two different persons...and in this case..you decide what to do..
• United States
17 Mar 07
I've heard this debate among my friends(male and female). Here's a question for you... If your husband never looked at any other women, how would he know that you are beautiful? Any statement on the quality of something, without any base of knowledge to compare it to, would be empty and meaningless. If he told you that you were beautiful and the only thing he had to compare you to is a tomato, how valid would his words be? That's just an alternate way of looking at it. I suspect that most men, even the ones you don't think are, look at other women. I think some of them develop a little more skill and tact than your husband. In fact, he is being incredibly insensitive, but by the sound of your post you also might be a little too unrealistic with your demands. You feelings of hurt are valid. It never feels good to be treated like you don't exist. It feels even worse to suspect your husband tells you that you are beautiful just to stop you from complaining. Although, I believe you perspective and actions could use a breath of fresh air. In all conflicts it's a good idea to start by changing the internal(ultimately, the only thing you have control over)and work your way out to the external. In my opinion, it's unrealistic to expect him to stop looking at other women. Don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out how you can alter your appearance to make him loose all interest in looking at other women. Why would your first assumption be that he looks at other women because you're lacking something? Maybe that's a sign you need to little self confidence boost. [on a side note: Anything you can do to raise your own self confidence will make you feel that much more attractive. Women with low self-esteem do a good job of projecting the aura of "I'm not worth paying attention to." You might be helping to make yourself invisible. That's not the case, by the way, every woman is incredibly beautiful. The fact is that no matter what you look like, some woman is yelling at 'her' husband to stop looking at you!] Do you ever look at other men? Sure, you don't blink your husband out of existence, but surly you must look once in a while. Women say "Oh, I never look because he's enough for me." I have a hard time swallowing that. Even if I don't think "Wow! I'd love to sleep with that guy." I might think, "He's handsome." I might see a TV show or movie and admire the lead actor. If you do look, is it because you wish you husband had something you think he's lacking? Do you think you might be passing your own issues off as your husband's motive? To be honest, desperately trying to find a way to make him stop because it makes you feel like you're lacking something doesn't sound healthy. I don't think--for all of your angst--you can stop him from looking. Unless he's trying to pursue something outside of the relationship, I wouldn't feel threatened by it. Would you be angry if he admired a beautiful work of art and ignored you? Probably not. If you're not worried that he's going to have an affair or leave you (if you are afraid you might want to evaluate the value of your relationship) then you're just bothered by the fact that he finds someone else attractive. It's a fact that every person's partner is going to find other people attractive. Trying to control biology is pointless. What you 'can' do, is give him a reason to be more tactful about it. Make a boundary that he can live with. Instead of, "Stop looking at other women.", you could try, "Don't make me feel invisible when I'm looking directly at you." Although, hopefully you're not just spending all of your time waiting for him to look. I hope that you're enjoying whatever it is that you're doing with him. Otherwise, it's not worth going out anywhere with him--for either of you. Another thing you 'can' do is change your tactics. What do you do when he looks at other women? Simply accuse and complain? Have you honestly told him it hurts you so deeply? Have you ever tried commenting on the other woman in a positive way? EX: "That's a beautiful skirt she's wearing." Maybe this will catch him off guard. It's a way to let him admit to what he's doing without feeling like he needs to placate or battle you. One way or another, being a shrew (which may be entertaining, even flattering for about a half a second) isn't going to get you anywhere. The headache you're giving him is a good reason to deny what he's doing. In the end, he's with you. I'm not sure about the nature or quality of your relationship, but if he's with you, I assume there's a reason for that. If you work on being more confident (really becoming confident, not just going through the motions), you might find that he starts paying more attention to you--even with other women around--because you will be projecting the an aura that says "Appreciate me because I'm worth it." He may always look at other women, but he should be willing to keep your feelings in mind and not make it so painfully rude. If neither of you wants to compromise (including you!) then you might have to ask yourself if it's worth the trouble to be in a relationship.
17 Mar 07
oooookkk, i dont even know what to say, you are right,but i i'm not really asking for him to just plain stop looking is just that, he does ignore me,ex, i'm talking and i'm not looking into his eyes, ans well he is responding and everything, but then along in the conversation i ask him a question and there's a big pause..i ask him again and still no response i notice that he is staring at something really bad and turn to look, and there a girl, if she is walking on the opposite direction ( we are driving) he will keep staring, to a point that he would look through the mirrors, and if we have to turn he will try his best to have a las glance.....now like i've been saying, i know men look, but does he have to do it like that in front of me,he dont make any remarks, but just the way he looks, god knows what is goin through his head, sometimes i bet that if that girl comes up to him he'll flirt with her in front of me too.....
• United States
22 Mar 07
Really, if you're pretty sure he'd flirt with a girl in front of you, maybe you should really take a good look at your relationship. I couldn't imagine letting anyone treat me like that. I'm sure he must have some good qualities, but why do you think he's so comfortable treating you like you don't exist? If he loves you and wants to be with you, once you tell him how you feel he really should make a huge effort to change his behavior. If he doesn't? Well, you might want to consider what your options are.
@jean_rose (416)
• Philippines
16 Mar 07
Maybe, it's simply his testosterone working. Men are like that, my friend. My husband does sometimes but I don't let it affect me. When he looks at another woman, it might not mean that he likes her. It must be that he say something that called for a second look or something. If he doesn't leave you sitting like the dumb fool alone while he goes cavorting with one woman after right under your nose, maybe, there really is no reason for panic. And don't change yourself to satisfy your husband. Remember that it's that personality that he's fallen in love with and not some illusion. If you change how you look and how you dress, he might think you're an insecure wife. Talk it over with your husband. Let him know how you feel. I am also married and my husband also looks at other women. I don't make a fuss because I feel it's but natural to look at something or someone attractive. But if I see him making love with a girl or smooching with her, then, that is another story.
• United States
16 Mar 07
Yes, catching you significant other making love to someone else can be considered a big no no! LOL :)
1 person likes this
16 Mar 07
ha ha ha well yeahthat's a heck no!!!, but nah you're right, i dont change for him cause i like dressing up and stuff and he met me like that or should i say i've always been like that but i dont know i guess is just how i feel about him cause i never felt this towards anyone else before, i was not a jealous girl at all....
@ironstruck (2299)
• Canada
17 Mar 07
He is probably just telling you what he thinks you want to hear. In other words he is full of sh**. Then he figures you believe it, so it gives him the right to do what he wants. If he truly believed what he says, do you really think he would act like that? I could never do that to a woman I truly loved.
17 Mar 07
ooooh brother.....i dont know anymore a lot of people make sense but people say is normal foe guy and all this but what about us?
@wisedragon (2330)
• Philippines
17 Mar 07
A quick glance is understandable. Out of respect for you he should not STARE at other women when he's with you. That would be insulting to both you and the woman that he's looking at. I wouldn't like it either if my girlfriend or wife would stare at other men when she's with me.
17 Mar 07
thank you , that's my pont, if he looks real quick or whatever is all right, but when he stares crazy and ignores me because of it, that's when i get mad, he puts me aside to do his thing
@Connie1013 (1098)
• United States
17 Mar 07
Have you tried playing his game? I mean either looking at other guys, commenting on how pretty or just saying look at that skirt. I have in the past make little remarks about other women. It because like a game to find who to look at. At the end of the game, I know where my hubby is going home with. It will be ME.
17 Mar 07
is so weird cause i've tried that, and when i make a remark or comment then he says that is not pretty, orshe is not as pretty as you, or things like that and he wont even look that hard, if anything he ignores but you can see it on his face that he is trying hard you know, but if i dont say anything, he will look till she is gone, so is weird, but people dont get it, i know he always look, and i'm not saying dont look at all!! is just that i dont want him to do it like that in front of me, even if he just have a asecond look or whatever oh well, but he does it hard, till he cant nomore you know what i'm saying?
• United States
17 Mar 07
yup, allll men do this. no matter how quiet or shy or anything, they all do it. the thing is that they have to learn to control it. i have caught my husband doing it in the past. i got mad, NOT becuase he was looking at the girl, but because he didnt have enough respect for me to ignore it in my presence. i told him how it hurt that he did that. i explained that i am not stupid, i KNOW he checks out other women, but to at least have the decency to not do it in front of me. ever since that, he has been better about it and doesnt do it in front of me anymore. if your man cant man claims that he cant control himself becuase its in his nature to look at other women, remind him that he is a human and not an animal, he CAN control himself....then do as the last person suggested, smack him on the back of the head LOL i love that idea. :)