Friends Who Use You

@Rozie37 (15505)
Turkmenistan
March 22, 2007 1:53am CST
I have a "friend," named Leslie. We are pretty close, but I feel that she is very selfish and uses me. She has this issue where she does not like to be alone. Most of the time, I will try my best to be there for her, because, I can relate to how she feels. But sometimes I get tired of her or I need to take a nap or something. Just to relax and regroup. I am a person who needs my alone time, as I am a deep thinker. Sometimes, she does not respect my alone time. For instance, the other day I was asleep and she knew it. So she decided she wanted to give me a gift and she said she waited an hour before coming to my apartment and knocking until I got up. She did not care that I was so sleepy I did not care about any old second hand gift. There are times when I don't feel like being bothered and she will buy me lunch or dinner to bribe me to keep her company. Most of the time I fall for it, feeling that she deserves to give something, but then I feel guilty about still not wanting to spend time with her, after she has fed me, so I stay and deal with her. Then sometimes she will ask me to do her a favor like clean out a shelf or closet, but then when I ask her how much she is going to pay me, she says that friends don't charge friends. So she gets upset and says she will get her other friend to do it for free. Her friend Mary agrees that friends should not charge friends and Leslie uses her to death. Whenever she calls, I am there for her. When I ask her for anything and she is doing something as trivial as watching television, she will not budge for me. She hates going places by herself, especially to the doctor. So she will use me to go with her. But, if I ask her to go somewhere with me, any ole excuse will do. Not only that, whenever I am having a dispute with someone, she never has my back, she always sides with the other person, even when it is someone that she does not like. I am a very kind-hearted person, but there comes a point when this kind of relationship is no longer healthy, so I decided that this was finally the end of it. I am so tired of arguing and fighting with her.
8 people like this
15 responses
@kataztrophy (1839)
• United States
23 Mar 07
Ending a long time friendship is rough, I have done it a few times myself. I got sick and tired of the continuous instigating whenever a problem would arise. I knew that was in the persons character from the start, but I really just could not stand it anymore. I feel when your friends start to become an annoyance, it would be best to just distance yourself from them for a while. Someone who is very needy just needs to be told that independence is a key factor in life. There are times when even your must trusted friends won't be able to help you.
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15505)
• Turkmenistan
23 Mar 07
You say that you have had to do this a few times before, do you have any regrets? I mean, there have been times when I have been in a situation and I didn't want someone to give up on me, but they did and it still hurts, after years. Apparently, you got to the point where you felt like the friendship could not be saved. I have been fed up with this situation so many times and sometimes I do feel like she is trying, but I am tired of fighting with her. I would just once like her to do something that was not meant for her selfish gain. There are many times that I feel like she takes me for granted. I am not perfect, I know that I have hurt people and they have continued to stick by me. I guess this is just something that I must pray about, yet again.
• United States
22 Mar 07
It saddens me to hear of people like this, but in the reality of it all there are people like that. I have to agree that it is best to end the friendship, since it never really was a friendship to begin with if all she ever did was use you. Now there are certain things I don't mind doing for free, but certainly cleaning someone's house is not on that list. I don't care if we are friends or not, if they are well enough to do it themselves, but still ask me to do it, than well they better expect to pay at least a little something for it. Heck I hardly like cleaning my own house as it is, why would I want to clean someone else's for free? So in this case I believe you are doing the right thing by ending it.
1 person likes this
@Rozie37 (15505)
• Turkmenistan
22 Mar 07
Thank you for your support and advice. This has really been hard on me, but I feel that I am doing the right thing by ending this friendship. I can honestly say that I have done my best.
@jenalyn (675)
• United States
22 Mar 07
I don't think she sounds like a good friend. When you have a toxic relationship with some it is good if you end the relationship. If she is a user and never has your back, then there will be no big loss by ending your relationship. It will probably feel like a relief when it's over. I wish you well whatever you decide.
@Rozie37 (15505)
• Turkmenistan
22 Mar 07
Thank you very much for your support, it is greatly appreciated.
• India
23 Mar 07
Well I really feel very very sorry for you.But some of my friends are like the one you described.Some of the times you feel like being victimized but other times you feel like you are selfish as well because you enjoy there company.So it is not pretty much your usage but rather it is something they have in themselves.You cant change them but you can tell them what you dont like or what you like.After all it is your life.just enjoy your life.keep such a motto,you will not feel like being victimized by her.Do whatever you want to do and deny what you dont want to do.be a little authoritative.You will feel good.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Mar 07
I had a friend that was sort of the same way, except she would spread lies and gossip about us as much as she could and tell as many people about this supposed 'bad thing' that I, or one of our other friends had done. We had people come to us all the time and tell us what kind of stuff she was saying now. It got to the point everyone was tired of her spreading lies and gossip and tired of the way she treated us, which was horrible in nature. She would use us to her advantage to get what she wanted. She borrowed money from me all the time and I only saw a fraction of that returned. So, one day, we all just blew up at eachother. She was my roommate but after that day and the few weeks following, she ended up moving out. It was the best thing for us. She's not doing her rumor spreading anymore and we're not that sorry to not see her often.
1 person likes this
• India
23 Mar 07
there are some persons who may be lazy . .but not all of the friends . . .friends are the best property anyone can ever earn in the life
1 person likes this
• China
23 Mar 07
yes ! i know you are very sad melody.your best friend use you ! but i think in our life we can not to know others thinking include our friend
1 person likes this
• China
23 Mar 07
"A friend in need is a friend indeed".If your friend just knows that how to ask for help from you but no pay back,I think that is not a true friend.I also have a friend,she becomes very friendly when she needs me,as time gone,I know she just want to use me,so I don't want to get along with her any more.
@Munira (484)
• United States
23 Mar 07
It does not sound as if Leslie is being a friend. Friendships are give and take relationships. So, if Leslie chooses to have it as a "1-way street", she is not being a true friend.
1 person likes this
@Perry2007 (2229)
• Philippines
23 Mar 07
Congratulations, your deep thinking led you to a great realization, Friendship should be symbiotic relationship, a give and take. What if you do not take any gift from her, you give her and make her do things the way she does for you, can you expect her to do the things you do for her. We are being taken advantage of by people because we allow them, remember, learn to say no, and I'm sorry. Our hospitality is being taken advantaged of, keep your dignity. Friends have many colors and you should sustain friendship with care and love but not abusive. You are being abused if you have to do things against your will, do not allow this to happen, just say no, and they will have to take that from you.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Mar 07
i had a friend that would treat me as a friend or i thaught she did. i would take her and her family everywhere because her husband had no license. i would bring them to the store and i would bring them to the doctors. she has cyrapolse and epaletic cesers. she refused to go to the doctors to get put on meds for it . i finally told her that she is going because she has kids. well thier was one day that she had asked me to bring her and her husband to court. so i did and i told them that when they r done to call me so i can get them. for the longest time she would say how the kids would be better off with the state. well i would let it just slide off my back. well that day for some reason i did not let it. i turned around and looked at her and said then give them to the state and you know what i have not heard from her sence.
1 person likes this
@Shaun72 (15968)
• Palatka, Florida
23 Mar 07
I can't say that I blame you. I use to have a friend like that years ago and I saw she was using me. I mean if she wanted to go somewhere and needed a way I was her way to get there. I finally got tired of her crap and stopped hanging around her and finally learned that she was just a friend as long as there for her but being there foe me she wasn't. I guess you can say I grew away from here. She was only dragging me down and I am like you I like my alone time also so i can understand that.
@Denmarkguy (1845)
• United States
23 Mar 07
It's painful-- and annoying-- to be part of a friendship that lacks reciprocity. And that's what it sounds like your situation is all about. Some people are just "users." They believe the world-- people and things-- are just there for their use and entertainment... and they can get quite upset if others have a different perception of the situation. Sometimes they are merely the adult version of "spoiled brats," and sometimes there are actual psychological issues at play-- Narcissistic and Borderline Personality Disorders come to mind. I know firsthand, because I have been married to this sort of person. The only effective thing to do is to maintain healthy boundaries, and not being afraid to use the word "no."
• United States
23 Mar 07
I had a friend like this. It was an email friend, and I never met her. But still she used me. She used to be upset when I was happy and would talk about it. She would be upset about EVERY little thing I had that was good. I'm NOT kidding. She would be crying on the emails saying how sad she was that I had friends, a sister, went to school, had a job. Such a user. It drove me crazy. Yet simple minded me I stood by her all the way to the day she took my boy friend (not BOYFRIEND by a boy who was a friend) and I lost them both! She actually never said she didnt want to be friends anymore just stopped writing. I HATE people who use you. Since the whole thing, I have sense started being more careful with who I befriend and who I trusts with all my secrets.
1 person likes this
@laltu86 (1253)
• India
22 Mar 07
From what i get thats not at all freindship, friend give never take.Friends should care for each other not for oneself , i strongly belive you should curtail your friendship (if you still call it that) with her.
1 person likes this