my boyfriend won't let me look at his cellphone

@sassyces (1604)
Philippines
April 8, 2007 9:42pm CST
My boyfriend of almost 8 months wouldn't let me get hold of his cellphone and this bothers me. According to him, cellphones are personal stuffs that should only be kept to oneself. I understand that there's this privacy thing that each of us imposes to our partners but I think cellphones, more often than not are exluded from such. I've asked him about this and he said that he's been like this since his college days (he's 31 now). This was even one of the reasons why he and his ex-gf broke up. I really don't know what to think, I try to remove my doubts but at the back of my mind, I have this mentality that if you're not hiding anything in your cellphone, then I guess it's no issue or problem if I go through your phone. So friends what do u think? Is he hiding something or he's just like that, that he's not just comfortable letting people go through his personal stuffs?
11 people like this
48 responses
@Gemmygirl1 (2872)
• Australia
9 Apr 07
I think you need your own personal space but i guess to me, i'd be wondering what he's hiding on there to not let you look at it. Having said that, you have only been together for almost 8 months which really isn't a long time, maybe he just doesn't feel comfortable sharing EVERYTHING with you - kind of a security thing. If you really are worried, maybe you could sit down with your boyfriend & let him know that you are feelnig insecure & his secrecy with his phone isn't helping your feelings. Maybe he can help calm your feelings another way but i don't really see a phone as being a personal thing - unless you have something to hide! Good Luck!
@mansha (6315)
• India
9 Apr 07
I agree with gemmy eight months is not a very long time may be he needs more time to open up to you. may be best is tio sit with him and tell him that it makes you wonder if there is something he is hiding. And you feel cheated by his not being able to include you in everything. considering he is juist your boyfirend and not hubby, I think give him time and space and if after a year too , he is behaving like that have a serious talk on the issue.
• Canada
9 Apr 07
I would think he's hiding something. And even if he really isn't its obvious there are some trust issues that need to be worked out for sure.
@sassyces (1604)
• Philippines
9 Apr 07
That's what I think, that he maybe is hiding something.
1 person likes this
• United States
9 Apr 07
In my opinion, everyone needs their space, but if you have suspicions, it is time for a good old sit down and talk time. There should not be anything on his cell phone that you can't see, what if you needed to borrow it for something? Would he not let you? I am not sure if he is hiding anything or not, but I advise taking some time to talk with him about your fears. Have a good night !
@sassyces (1604)
• Philippines
9 Apr 07
I tried to borrow his fone just to check the names on his fonebook (well, I just want to see if there are sweet sounding names in there). What he did was that he held his fone and scrolled down on the names with just me looking through it. I dunno, maybe I'm just paranoid but my 2 previous bfs would let me get hold of their fones so his attitude is something new to me.
@raijin (10383)
• Philippines
9 Apr 07
I think your boyfriend has a very good point there, as these might be the things that he's been doing for a very long time ago. He wants to have privacy on some of his belongings, maybe to protect his ownself or for many other valid reasons that he prefer to keep for himself. We all have choices and limitations to give, to take and to follow. You are only thinking of it because as you've said, that was also the reason why he and his previous girlfriend before you, broke up. I don't think that it's fair to think like that to your boyfriend, as you are already making some conclusions for yourself just because of what you knew about his past. As long as you have no real proof of what you think about him, I guess you just have to deal with it and set aside your negative thoughts from him.
@sassyces (1604)
• Philippines
9 Apr 07
Thanks for explaining his side further. Sometimes I just tend to see things on the surface without delving on the matter. Anyway, you mentioned he is doing this to PROTECT his ownself or for many valid reasons? What could those reasons be and what about the protecting himself issue? Sorry if I sound naive but as u said, is not fair to make conclusions. Hope u can respond back. Thanks a lot.. =)
1 person likes this
@raijin (10383)
• Philippines
9 Apr 07
I guess it is because he's not used of making others look at some of his (which he considers) are his private possessions, that this is what he's used to do eversince his childhood. I know that there are people who intend to keep their belongings private as much as possible, that your boyfriend may also be one of them and he does not mean to offend anyone, even you. I guess these are the things that you should look up to consider for him, as we may never know that maybe someday he'll just simply let you have a chance to look at whatever it is that's in his cellphone or even other things that he considers as private.
@sassyces (1604)
• Philippines
10 Apr 07
thanks so much for elaborating your point (again). well, I guess I just have to remove my doubts as his privacy issue cellphone is the only thing that bothers me (for now) so far. Thanks a bunch!! =)
@winjzz (159)
• Malaysia
9 Apr 07
I know my friends and g.f likes to fiddle around with my cell phone so that's why i don't put any sensitive stuff in there. What for i put incriminating evidence on me anyway? In case with g.f i know if i withold the cell phone it makes impression that i'm hiding so i normally gave it to her to fiddle with. We have a proverb here that says 'who eat the chilli will feel hot' meaning to say that if a person did something wrong, he will have the lingering feel of guilt or wanting to hide it.
1 person likes this
@sassyces (1604)
• Philippines
10 Apr 07
My girl friend who thinks the same way as my boyfriend also told me the same reason that if a man will cheat, even if he lets you get hold of his cellphone, is not an assurance that he is not doing anything wrong for he can easily delete messages or any other info that could point to cheating.
@darkzzt (760)
• Canada
9 Apr 07
This guy you are with seems to have problems with opening up to people. He should be able to share his cellphone with you. Since he has been doing this since he was in college, it will be hard for him to break his habit of being secretive when it comes to his phone. I don't think he is hiding anything, but it is quite weird to have this behaviour. A cellphone isn't really that personal it mostly has phone numbers in it. You can choose not to break up with him but i guess you would have to live for the rest of your life not knowing what is on that cellphone :-/
@sassyces (1604)
• Philippines
9 Apr 07
Exactly, cellphone is not really a personal stuff to begin with. I can even let my acquaintances go through it coz even if there are romantic messages in there and they happen to read those, its already a given if you're in a relationship so there's nothing to hide really.
1 person likes this
@tammyr (5945)
• United States
9 Apr 07
Is this the only sign you are seeing? If it the only thing then maybe you are overreacting. If you have other reasons to thing he is doing things you would not like then you know what you should do.Either work it out, or move on.
1 person likes this
@sassyces (1604)
• Philippines
9 Apr 07
I hope I'm just overreacting. =(
@wisedragon (2331)
• Philippines
10 Apr 07
I think he's hiding something. Let me put it this way: I wouldn't mind at all if my girlfriend wanted to check out my cellphone. It may be a personal item of mine, but she being my girlfriend should have access to it anytime. She can borrow it anytime. That would help prove that I'm not cheating.
1 person likes this
@Stiletto (4600)
9 Apr 07
Well I think if someone asked to look through my cellphone I wouldn't like it either and there's nothing on there that anyone shouldn't see. It's more a point of principle - I mean why do you want to look through it? Do you think he's up to something? I just don't see why this issue would even come up really. Having said that it depends on what you mean exactly. If you mean he won't even let you hold it for a couple of minutes to make a call then I think that's a little odd and possibly there is something on there he is worried about you seeing. If you mean that you've asked him if you can look through it just to see what's on there then I don't really blame him for refusing because it looks like you're checking up on him.
1 person likes this
@tamanna6 (26)
9 Apr 07
hii ...see the basis of any relation is trust...you should trust him and give him the space he needs ....dont always think that he is not allowing you to ...see his mobile ..due to some personsl problems but ..also that guys are very attached to their gadgets ...and its his nature too ..and hey it hardly takes time to delete any message on the phone ..he can give you his mobile but think theres nothing private other than you...bye take sare god bless ...
1 person likes this
@prue187 (520)
• United States
9 Apr 07
I don't know seems like he's hiding something. I remember my ex bf when he left for an Asian tour he left his cellphone to me, There were several girls who were sending him text messages which I was not worried about since he had no interest or whatsoever in answering them he even asked me to call one of the girls who had been calling him and bothering him. He had nothing to hide I guess that is why he was very confident to let me hold on to it until he gets home. I also did show and share my cp with him, I've got nothing to hide. Now that I am married my husband and I share one cellphone if he had a separate one he would not be bothered if ever I check on it.
• Philippines
9 Apr 07
We cant be so sure about it .. We should really know first the truth before we will come into a conclusion .. ^^
1 person likes this
• New Zealand
9 Apr 07
Ha, I went through the same thing with my boyfriend. Looking back, I'm not sure I was in the right. It turns out my boyfriend wasn't hiding anything. He just didn't want anyone going through his cellphone. Whereas, I'm the opposite. I don't mind people going through my messages.
1 person likes this
@makingpots (11929)
• United States
9 Apr 07
I would just proceed with caution with this guy, if I were you. He appears to have issues with trust and personal space. If he doesn't talk to you openly about it and try to understand the source of why he feels like he does then he may be a difficult person to maintain a relationship with. He does deserve to have privacy, everyone does but there are heathly forms of having boundaries and there are controlling forms. He may not be hiding something right now, and the fact is you will never really know. But don't let it become a stubling block for you. The issue is not really the phone but rather how he makes you feel about it. If he is not sensitive to you and how it makes you feel, start considering how long you want to be in a relationship with someone who does not respect you on all levels.
@shevamp (120)
• Philippines
9 Apr 07
my first bf and i had the same level of respect for privacy that's why we didn't check on each other's celfone as we trusted each other too much. our relationship was almost perfect, except that when we talked about settling down together, he wud always have excuses, like he still wanted to get promoted and all this career advancement stuff. i waited for years until one day, on our 7th year, i had this gut feel to check on his celfone, and voila! there was a text message from his ex gf saying: "u forgot your shirt, babe." i asked him to explain and he cudn't deny that they still were seeing each other. i broke up with him, regretting those 7 yrs of giving him my 100% trust only to be cheated on. my current bf knows about my past, that he takes extra effort to reassure me that he will not do what my ex did to me. he consistently tells me of his whereabouts and doesn't mind me checking on his phone and even his friendster/myspace accounts. we're only on our 4th month, but i can sense and feel his faithfulness and sincerity in making our relationship work. i guess you just have to talk it out with your bf that we women need to be reassured every once in a while.
1 person likes this
@jenille (52)
• Philippines
9 Apr 07
i think your boyfriend doesn't trust you that much because if he do he will let you hold his cp. and if a person is not open for everything it is very posible that he is hiding something and if you're feeling something about that(i know you do bcoz you're a woman, you can sense if he's doing something... you should have talk to your bf that trust is one of the biggest factor in a relationship...
1 person likes this
@asteriskec (1074)
• Philippines
9 Apr 07
I think if you're too bothered by this in such a way that you already doubt him and that you already have trust issues with him, the best way is to talk to him for the last time and check if you still can trust whatever he'd say. If you have at least the tiniest tinge of doubt in your heart, then I think it's best that you move on. It's so difficult to be in a relationship where you don't know if you can still trust him or if you become paranoid.
1 person likes this
• Canada
9 Apr 07
To be honest I think he has a good point. I mean why would you WANT to go through his phone? It's like saying to him that you don't trust him. If you have doubts, you really should talk to your partner, not go through his personal things. My partner and I both have cell phones and we don't go through each others phones. We don't see any reason to.
@sassyces (1604)
• Philippines
10 Apr 07
Ic.. Thanks for your input, it's a relief to read elaborations of people on my bf's side. Thanks..=)
• Philippines
9 Apr 07
Now I'll be sharing my experience with you. My ex bf and I had this same issue. He doesn't want me to see what's on his cellphone but he checks mine all the time. I told him I had nothing to hide and if he doesn't have anything to hide as well then there's no point in not letting me check his cp. He keeps telling me that i should trust him so I did. Until one time that he left the phone in our bed and i got to check it. I found out he have a lot of text messages from a girl calling him honey and about their plans for the weekend. Now that hurt a lot 'coz i trusted him but if a guy tries to hide something from you they will do everything to convince you that it's a matter of trust. Just trust your instinct 'coz they're usually right.
@sassyces (1604)
• Philippines
10 Apr 07
Thanks for sharing your experience. So far, I feel nothing sort him hiding something because maybe his chetaing. I jst hope it stays that way because if not, then I really have to confront him!
@vogelvrij (196)
• Netherlands
10 Apr 07
If you were together for only a couple of weeks, I should say: he is right not letting you to handle his cellphone. But you are mates already for almost 8 months now. That means you have a trustworthy relationship for quite a long time now. I should wanted to know WHY you want to get to his personal phone. Is it because you dont trust him? I can imagine your friend wants to keep the things in the phone private. See it as if there was a letter for him with the mail, you wont open that either. If you really want to find out about it you can do two things. First you can take his phone while he is in the shower. Or, if thats not a possibility, you can buy him a brand new cellphone for his birthday. And before you give your very special present out to him you can capture the code for yourself (write it down as a phone number in your diary) before you give him the present. In the last way you will always know the code how you can get into the phone when you have a big chance to do so. Now you dont know the code, if he locks it up, you can not see a thing. Thats just an idea from my part. But all it depends on is trust. If you dont feel you can trust him, feel that he might hide something from you, then you should re-think about your relationship with him. For me, personally, I never look at my husbands phone. I trust him completely. I have mine phone (he never pokes in that too) and he gots his. The same with email accounts, I never pop in his emails. Thats on his machine, I have got mine.