I smell like cigarettes, strippers, and beer, can I go home now?

Tweet

Have your friends ever taken you somewhere to party that you simply did not want to be? Where was it? Why didn't you like it? Did you start off the night thinking you were going to have a good time only to end the evening severely disappointed? Here's my story. My ex-boyfriend really wanted to spend a particular Friday night with me but that was the night him and his room mates always went to the local strip club. So he begged and begged and begged until I said I would tag along. We get there and are escorted to "their table". How many times do you have to visit a place before you get your own table? But I let that slide and figured I would just take advantage of the cheap Guiness and see how many dancers had stretch marks. We aren't there 10 minutes before 3 dancers come over to "our table" and start chatting up the guys. They knew their names, where they worked, I wouldn't have been surprised if they knew if they wore boxers or briefs, these women knew so much about my then sweetie and his room mates. I let that slide too. But the one girl who was talking to my honey obviously caught the look in my eyes so she diverted her attention from him. She came around him and sat her bikini clad behind in my lap and ran her finger down my face and said "Oh (that guy I used to know) she is simply beautiful. what is she doing here with you?" So Ok, yeah that made me laugh. The guys were dying that this "hottie" (yeah if you like bleached hair, fake boobs, and way too much make up) was sitting on my lap flirting with me. So what does he do? He buys ME a lap dance. I really didn't have enough alcohol in me yet to sit through this but I figured it would make things interesting when we got home and went to bed later that night so I agreed. She straddles my lap and faces me, which I found out later that usually isn't the "normal position" and she starts doing her little dance. The guys were...well I will leave it up to your imagination but lets just say they were enjoying the show" His 1 room mate was so enthralled by her performance that he knocked over his beer which knocked over my beer which then spilled over the side of the table all over me and the dancer. she shrieked threw her arm back and the strap on her bikini top broke just as she was bringing her body forward to get off of me. The result... a left eye full of fake boobie. What on earth do they put in those things? It felt like Mike Tyson just sucker punched me. Next I was waiting for my ear to get bitten off, geez oh man. LOL But She recovered her parts and apologized and offered to buy us all a round of drinks and of course the guys wanted to stay but I stood up and said, "ok guys I smell like cigarettes, strippers, and beer, can I go home now?" I think that is when they realized it was best to get me out of there and quick. We all went back to their place and I immediately ran to the bathroom to see if I had a black eye. Luckily I didn't, but it was definitely the worst thing that has ever happened to me on a night out with friends. Dare I ask if you can top this one? :)