My Mother  |
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 I have always had a difficult relationship with my mother.When I was growing up I never knew she loved me.I know that now because I understand her better.But as a child she never hugged us,or kissed us,or said I love you.She worked hard to support us.There were 6 of us so I can say that was not an easy thing for her to do.She was very cold,and when I was the last kid left home,I was 13.She didn't speak to me at all from the time I was 15 til I was 18.I mean she would answer me if I asked her a direct question,but only a word or two and then it was obvious I was bugging her so I gave up.
As an adult she doesn't talk to me much at all,I have to initiate the phone calls.I have lived where I am for 5 years she has never been here,and only called me maybe 3 times and that was just returning my phone call.
Now she has cancer,she is going through chemo,I call and ask how she is doing.She always says she is fine.I offer to go help her,bring her to a doctors appointment.She says no your sister is here,she is taking me.I want her to let me help her and she won't.When I ask my sister how she is doing she says mom isn't doing well at all the chemo is knocking her on her butt.
I don't get it,I don't know why she won't let me help.Of her six kids she only speaks to 3 of us at all,by her choice.Of the three she does speak to my sister is the one she visits,and calls,not my brother and I.She only talks to us when we call her,and then makes a lame excuse why she has to get off the phone.
Anyone have any ideas?I want to have some kind of a better relationship with her,and I would like o help her.It bothers me that she won't let me.
Jas
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1.  honeydew82174 (1245) | 4 months ago |  I would stop trying to figure out why she wont call and just go over there as much as possible. It's not like she is going to tell you to go home after you get there. If she has cancer there might not be much time left. If you are over there she will not turn you down to help. Some people have a hard time excepting help. Some people are not motherly or were never meant to be mothers.
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 jasmine0728 (345) | 4 months ago | I am sorry,I just noticed I didn't mention I do go there,not very often but I do go.About once a month,I make sure my sister is there though because it is so uncomfortable when it is just my mother and I because I am serious she won't talk.I asked her once if I did anything to cause her to not like me and she said no.I will say I was a difficult child,but so were all my brothers and sisters.I clean her bathroom for her while I am there,she won't let me touch her kitchen because she says I won't put anything where it goes.
Thank you for your response.
Jas | |
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| honeydew82174 (1245) | 4 months ago | Ask her straight out what you did to deseve this. Tell her you need to make peace with it in your own mind. Tell her you forgive her for being this way but she needs to talk to resolve the issue. | |
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2.  Talal159 (113) | 4 months ago |  nobody is going to love you more than your mother
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| jasmine0728 (345) | 4 months ago | Thank you for this response.You make sense,it is true that at least I am able to see my mom and try to have a relationship with her.I am sure there are many people out there who have lost their mother and wish they could see her.I tell my mom I love her any time I hang up the phone,or I leave her house,she never says it back,but at least I know I have said it.I make sure to always say it to my daughter,so she will never be left to wonder.
Thanks,
Jas | |
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| 4. angel1001 (97) | 4 months ago | evryone's mother is a great woman!They are very hard to support us.They love us.For us,they can pay out everything they have! | |
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| 5. lucy02 (4336) | 4 months ago |  I don't understand why some mothers are that way but they are. My heart goes out to you. My mom is similar in the way she treats me. She has had problems with mental illness. Could that be the case with your mom? Mom always made it clear she preferred my brother and as remember told me so once when I was a small child. Just yesterday she said some things very hurtful to me. I try to let it go but I just can't. She is on her meds and sometimes I don't think its the mental illness. Sometimes I think its just her being mean. I hope your mother comes around but if she doesn't then don't blame yourself. You can't change other people. I'm so glad you are showing affection to your daughter.
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| 6. ketybhagat (923) | 4 months ago |  Some parents cannot show their true feelings. They hide their love for fear of being rebuked. She must have had a hard time with the six mouths to feed and then as teenagers we all say and do thngs we do not mean to or hurt. She may be very sensitive and hence she has hidden in her shell all these years. You go and meet her. Tell her you love her and want to help her out and then just walk out of the room. Let her chew on this, for she may feel uncomfortable at this show of emotion from your side. Hold her hands when you tell her and look her in the eyes. Let her see the sincerity in them. There re time when we are cut off from a person for days and hence do not know what to talk about. Its natural. Take it slowly one step at a time. good luck jas.
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7.  RhythmWalker1 (527) | 3 months ago |  Jasmine,
Honey, oops..is it ok that I said that? It's just the mother in me trying to resurface, sorry. I'm from a family with 7 kids. My mother is still living and I am the oldest daughter. We are very close and talk about all kinds of things.
For some reason it seems that we all find those that we feel comfortable talking to and those that we don't. Think about your past with your mother. Could you
have told her that you didn't want to talk to her on occasions? Are you and your mother really alike and you fail to see that?
Maybe you need to go there more often and start trying to get her to talk to you. Don't let it be too late to say the things that you want and need to say to her. You could try doing something different with your approach and maybe open the doors that I think, the two of you closed.
? I have a touch of esp at times and your words started vibes that make me wish that I could help you. Please don't think I am saying anything the wrong way.
I had a daughter once that died at 15 and I sure do miss talking to her.
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| 8. sid556 (5159) | 1 month ago |  Go to her. don't ask...just go and be there for her. As a single mom of 4, I know how hard it is raising kids alone...you never have time for anything other than to just do what needs doing. It is very difficult to fit in quality time. I'm sure with 6 of you, your mom was under a ton of pressure. You also get strong doing that role. I don't know your mom, but for me it would be really really hard to ask any of my kids for help. It wouldn't feel right. If I was in that spot, I'd probably turn to the oldest one ...not sure why but I know I would.
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| jasmine0728 (345) | 1 month ago | Your response would make sense as to why she acted that way years ago but it doesn't explain why she acts as she does now.However since I began this discussion I have gone to her.I couldn't be the kid that didn't help her mother when she was sick.I go there twice a week now,I do her laundry on Saturdays and clean her house and do her shopping on Wednesday.Our relationship is slightly better,she does not know how to show love I understand that,I also know not to get on certain topics of conversation.It is no longer important to me for her to explain how or why she treated me the way she did,she is in denial because it makes it easier for her.I do still have effects of what she did by not being there while I was growing up but that is for me to deal with,making her admit it or explain it is no longer important to me.I see how fragile she has become with age and cancer and all I feel is love for her,and a need to help her even if she resents me doing it.I took care of my father when he was dying.he was only 55 and didn't deserve my help at all he was a lousy father,but I still took care of him my mother wasn't that bad in the grand scheme of things she never physical abused me she was just distant and depressed,I understand that now.
Jas | |
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9.  lemayan (166) | 3 weeks ago | dont give up on her she is your mother and always will be despite her shortcommings, remember she is on chemo and you never know with cancer, it might be fatal you really dont want to remember her as the person you could never call or talk to, do your part as a child,then let her play hers, if she doesnt atleast you have a clear conscience | |
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