Facebook, what is the attraction?
By gemini_rose
@gemini_rose (16264)
June 28, 2008 4:09pm CST
You have a friend that you are quite close too, one day while having your usual coffee morning together you notice that she is rather quiet and ask her what the matter is. She tells you that she thinks her hubby is going to stray again, shocked you ask why she thinks this. You know that he had an affair on her a while back and that it totally destroyed her, they managed to work through it and stay together but you thought they were happy again.
She tells you that recently her hubby joined facebook, and that it had started off as him just chatting to his workmates. She tells you that where she sits in the room she can see what he is doing and that she has seen him talking to lots of younger pretty girls, talking intimately with certain ones, telling them that it would be nice to go out sometime, that he told one girl that he lived with his mate so totally denying her and the children. She said that he always goes on the laptop to delete all his mails and now she has discovered that he has a new email that she knew nothing about, in fact he might have a few.
If he senses she is looking, he quickly flicks off onto another page and pretends he is looking at youtube and makes out that he is not on facebook but she can see the tabs of his other pages. What hurts her most is that recently she became in touch with a school friend, not a lot but the odd message has passed between them. The friend is male and she was honest with her hubby and told him about it and said that she is going to keep in touch with him. Her hubby was fine with it, but now is making snide comments about it and he keeps saying to her to behave when he is out at work as if she is going to cheat. She said she would not mind, but this is how he went before she found out he was cheating last time, he made out that she was cheating or interested in other men and totally messed with her mind.
She tells you that she is fed up, she has no life, no means of supporting herself so that she could leave and why should she leave anyway, its half her house.
Bearing all this in mind, what would you say to your friend? what words of comfort would you offer to her?
4 people like this
14 responses
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
29 Jun 08
Yep as usual short and sweet, straight to the point! That is what I have grown to love and expect from you xxx
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
28 Jun 08
My first Opinion - Facebook is rubbish I do not like it I know both my Kids use it but they are both young and have their Friends on there
Second- my Ex Husband was always in Chat Rooms and talking to Women I recently found out that he was meeting some of them to I did suspect it anyway but ignored it
Now I would say to the Friend- Do not make the same mistake as I did by ignoring it because you are scared of loosing him, Confront him, don't let him play with the mind and turn it around
Just say to him what you are seeing and why is he being so secretive it
Watch his Face very closely while you are confronting him as you will see if he is lying or not
Confront and tell him not to lie to you about it you want the truth
Once it is confirmed give him the Ultimatum
That is what I would say to my Friend I have been there and I suffered badly knowing he was with those Women and coming home the next Day lying to me where he had been, me taking the lies, because if I differed I was just the awful Wife who begrudged him his Social Life, just because I was stupid and boring
xxx
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
28 Jun 08
Facebook is rubbish I agree with you there. I dont think it is the being scared of losing him, more a case of she has nothing if she does not have him. I think that he is very clever and devious, knowing what he has done before.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
28 Jun 08
Ok Sweetie I understand that and that is hard but does she really have to let him do this to her I have been there and it hurts it really hurts
I always thought in them Days I would never find anyone to love me but I have
My Ex used to say no one would ever have me but they have
I stuck it for 21 years Sweetie and nearly lost my Mind
I really hope this works out I really do and that he comes to his senses
Hugs xxxx
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
4 Jul 08
To be honest with you, I have always said that should we ever split up I would never have another fella. I tell you what I mean it too, never again. I would relish my time next time and enjoy the freedom and peace LOL xx
@checapricorn (16060)
• United States
4 Jul 08
Wow, this is very hard for me..I will maybe tell her to sit down with husband and talk about their problem and what they want in their life..They can't continue doing this and hurting each other..So, better to clear things off, talk about it, list possible solutions if possible and define what each of them want!Then do it!
@CatsandDogs (13963)
• United States
30 Jun 08
Tell her how you feel and what you think. Be honest because this is the time where she needs a real and honest friend the most. Like the saying goes "If you think he's cheating, he probably is" She needs to know her feelings are valid and that she's not losing her mind. And she needs to know that there's nothing wrong with her but there is with him and that she needs to be careful about STD's for he may attract some and pass them on to her. Let her know you're there for her any time day or night and that she means the world to you.
@ellie333 (21016)
•
30 Jun 08
Oh Gemini, This is a difficult one and I really don't know what to advise. She is obviously very unhappy and there is still some residue mistrust left from when her husband had his previous affair. I think she needs to confront and speak to him directly about this. The reason he makes jibes at her about being in contact with this old school friend is possibly his own guilt from the conversations he has been having online and also the fact that he has cheated in the past. I hope she manages to discuss it all with him and resolve the situation. If the relationship is that bad though perhaps they should think about going separate ways as being unhappy around the children can cause them issues too in the long term. It may be they are both looking for the spark which they will be able to rekindle but all relationships take time and work and are never just an easy comfortable experience so I would suggest they both switch off the computers and spend some real time together. She could surprise him once the kids have gone to sleep with something very saucy and get them connected again. It is just so difficult to give advice as I don't know the people involved and even as friends we are still the outsiders to the inner secrets of their home. Facebook itself has no attraction for me and I know it caused a few problems with one of my daughters and her boyfriend in the past. Ellie :D
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
4 Jul 08
The relationship is not bad or unhappy and I know that they love each other. I dont think she is unhappy so much as just not sure what to think, perhaps it is just a case of trying to revive some excitement.
@Abby123 (261)
•
29 Jun 08
The answer is that I just dont know,he must be a real b***** to do it first of all ,but there heads get turned a bit to quickly if you ask me.The whole facebook thingy is weird to me,I mean you put your details on and a picture if ure brave enough and then you start adding your mates,or looking the old mates up,but its a bit like a friends reunited scheme,once youve got the mates there ,what you sposed to do with them then,most of us lose contact after a few years anyway,but for a bloke or a woman to do that is pretty grim and pretty selfish to.But if thats how they wanna behave well all the very best to them,just dont let them come crying back in the end.
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
4 Jul 08
Oh it is surprising, I know everything that happened, and you would not believe what that guy put her through.
@academic2 (7000)
• Uganda
5 Jul 08
I have no problem with Facebook website-but I know cheating men are awash in any part of the world-women should know that there is a cheating gene in everyman-and the sooner women see this, the happier life will be in this world!
@wachit14 (3595)
• United States
28 Jun 08
The problem isn't with Facebook, although I am aware that many people go there to meet people, including those who are looking to cheat on their spouses. Having said that it seems clear to me that your friend has't quite reached her limit yet with her husband. Perhaps the only thing you can tell her is that you will be happy to help her make a transition out of what apears to be an emotionally abusive relationship when she is ready and that you are there for her. Just knowing that her friend is there for her should be enough words of comfort for the moment.
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
28 Jun 08
No, maybe she has not reached her limit yet, thanks for your words.
@meiyeec511 (405)
• Malaysia
29 Jun 08
I'm also not very understand what's attrating in facebook. Normally i use friendster to meet my friend back who I did not see them for years.
I think may be faceebook is more user friendly and faster compare to other channels to contact with friends.
May be your friend's hubbry just want to keep in touch with his friend and don't want to lose the friends. Some people will feel that friends are very important in their life.
@gitfiddleplayer (10362)
• United States
29 Jun 08
Tell her to get on Facebook and create a secret profile, lure him in and trap him. He sounds like he's looking for a reason to leave, why is she waiting, does she like to prolong heartache? My first wife asked me, "Are you having and affair?", I answered, "No, but you are." I would tell her to gather her stuff over the next few months and instead of just sitting there letting it happen, to make something happen for herself. This isn't some play she in, this is real and she better wise up and accept the fact of what he's doing and leave him. He's too chicken to do it himself.
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
4 Jul 08
She tells me she has joined facebook herself and some others, perhaps she will have a bit of fun herself.
@katsmeow1213 (28716)
• United States
29 Jun 08
That is really tough. I am completely against affairs, so I would encourage her to seek a divorce. She deserves better than that. She could recieve financial help as well as alimony and child support.
In my own opinion, if she chooses to stay, then she's basically saying that he's allowed to treat her this way. I understand that it is difficult to leave with children involved and no income.. trust me these thoughts have crossed my mind too. It's hard to imagine having to leave and support myself and children, but if I were being cheated on or abused in any way, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
@sweethomecatring (1563)
• India
6 Jul 08
No not at all you need not move out. You have the legitimate right to stay and live.Do not get so irritated on the comments passed by your hubby,just get him realised that he can behave like this you can also. Be bold and comfortable.
manjeet harjai
@nurseia (40)
• United States
29 Jun 08
Your friends husband is dishonest. That is why he is accusing her of cheating. Guilt is written all over him. Your friend should find employment so that she can support herself and the children. Unless the two can go to counseling together, I think the relationship should end. He should be man enough to leave her and their children the house so that the children can maintain some stability. Depending on the state your friend lives in, she most likely would be eligible to receive child and spousal support. This along with her finding employment would help the family financially. It will be hard at first, but she can make it.
@gemini_rose (16264)
•
4 Jul 08
She cannot find employment because of the amount of childcare she would need for the children, even with government help she would still not be making any money.
