Dear Abby when do I take his side and when do I not?

Heyya dawn! I'm thinking you should develop a warning signal for your hubby that your motherly instincts are about to kick in. I know what you mean about wanting to present the united front and as your children get older..it is more important to do so. I would tell him that you can't help the way you feel about things sometimes and it is just part of your instinct..especially if you don't agree..so now...the sign..lol..maybe it could be a touch on the arm...which the kids might see so that might not be any good...how about a certain look. How about a cough..to say ok buddy..we need to talk about this.

That's a tough situation to be in. I've been in it a few times myself. It is a good idea to show a united front when we can, but I also think as partners and parents we should be able to work together and sometimes we need to be able to step in and "diffuse" a situation. It seems like your husband was a little conflicted on this one. He apologized for his behavior but then told you that he felt like you disapprove of everything he does? It sounds like there may be some more things going on that you two need to talk about. I think as much as possible parents should not correct each other in front of the children, but SOMETIMES there just simply have to be exceptions to that rule. It just shouldn't be a constant thing. It sounds like you've got at least two issues here. One - is the question of second guessing each other in front of the kids. Two - Is it ever acceptable for the kids to interrupt the parents when they are talking. I do think it's okay sometimes. But I also think they need to be taught when it's okay to be a part of the conversation and the correct way to converse. It sounds like your husband overreacted and it was a misunderstanding on both there parts. Hopefully you can just clarify what his expectations are and you all can come up with some kind of compromise what what should be acceptable in your home. Good luck. Keep us posted!

I don't have a line. My husband and I will discuss things like that in front of the kids. We pretty much have the same ideas on what we're doing with the kids, we don't like them to interrupt so I won't say anything if he tells them not to, but sometimes I do have to tell him to chill because he has an attitude he shouldn't have. I'll say it in front of the kids too, I don't see the harm in them seeing how parents interact with each other, so long as the parents are interacting in a healthy way. We don't always just because hubby is not very communicative, but we're working on that. But kids learn by watching their parents, so when they grow up they need to have some sort of idea how to do it.

Dawn- I'm going to disagree with you on this one, and that is because he didn't hit your child or put her in danger. He scolded her for interupting your conversation. In my opinion you should have backed him up stating to your daughter that this was an adult conversation and that it is impolite of her to interupt. I don't feel it is natural for a child to feel they are a part of an adult conversation. Our children are still young, but they are not a part of our adult conversations even if they are in the same room. We try to have those conversations without them, but there are times it is necessary and we both tell our children to wait for mommy and daddy to finish talking and they we can speak with them. Your daughter is old enough, I'm guessing, to write down her question on a piece of paper so she doesn't forget it, and that is what I would suggest for the future. I have to agree that your "geeze" was a sign of disrespect, and only fostered in your daughter that you felt her father was incompetant and that she didn't have to respect him. I do agree that he should have firmly told her, but so should you. Namaste-Anora

I was raised to believe that the man was the final word. I regret buying into that. If he has already lost the child's respect by being overbearing...you are not helping anyone by silently condoning that overbearing behavior. It is difficult for me to write that...even now. I spent way to many years allowing my children to be hurt verbally and very much regret it. When I finally did begin to speak up about it...it was to late. I had lost their respect by being to submissive. A woman's first responsibility is to her children. Since you are not the type to over rule him usually...I don't feel you would abuse this advice...as some women do by undermineing their spouses in front of their children (which is wrong...unless the father is behaving in a hurtful way.) It is a fine line we walk as women and mothers....and I am the first to say it is a very difficult job.

Perhaps he needs individual counselling? My daughter and her husband go to marriage counselling one day a month and individual counselling one day a month...the same cousnellor is involved in it all. They get a chance to vent and to ask questions without the other there, and then come together and discuss it under the objective lead of a third party. It seems to be working.

I support whoever I feel is correct at that particular moment and later have a talk with them in private. Children can be very very sensitive which, I am sure we all appreciate, so they really take it to heart if you don’t support them just because the other person is the father…its worse when they start harboring the idea that to you, the husband is more important than the child. So always support your child whenever she is correct. If the child is not correct then your support goes to the father coz, again, we don’t want the children to grow up thinking that they can get away with anything and everything. Later on, as I said, I’ll sit with my son and tell him how his behaviour or attitude is not right and what is expected of him with regard to respect and such. Similarly, when hubby is not correct, I always tell him how his behaviour or tone hurts his son.

I think you handled that very well... As a man there are times we get over involved because of our upbringing... I would say that there was a lesson to be learned in that situation but at the same time the conversation had some real importance for him to be so emotionally involved. I think the points he is trying to make and the lesson, question or concern that he had was probably very important at least to him to respond to her in that manner, forgetting that we are in a new generation where children are encouraged most times to engage. The fact that you two have dialogued through e-mail that sounds really productive because when writing you have a chance to think about how you want to frame your question or response. MyLot is a great help for that... Now to read all the other responses...

It's a constant balancing act, that's for sure! As for me when I was a child, I was raised to NOT interrupt an adult conversation or to participate until such time as someone addressed me directly. If I ignored this rule then I would be spoken to later about it. This was more in relation to when guests were over though. My Mother and I were basically "partners in pain" when I was growing up and bore the brunt of my Father's crap. This meant that my Mother stepping up for me over my Father and in front of him was pretty much a constant. It also meant that my Mother was openly critical of my Father when discussing him with me and I sometimes wish she hadn't of been. I do however understand her frustrations and who else was she going to vent to? This was MY circumstances, which are of course not nthe same as yours on all levels. I do however feel that there are times when there's no choice BUT to stand up for your child over your spouse. It does though, all come down to the severity of the situation. The ideal situation would be to remain even tempered and then address the problem face to face once you and your spouse are alone, but when a line is crossed to the point of hurting the child; and the outburst on the spouse's part is uncalled for, then I personally feel you have every right to speak out there and then. The same goes in regards to reassuring a child that you have their back. This is where the constant balancing act becomes such a challenge. They too need to know they're protected from all things unfair and uncalled for, but providing them these reassurances in front of the offending spouse has a better than average chance of creating the wrong impression. It has the potential to undermine the relationship of PArents in the child's eyes for one. It's a tough situation no matter which way you look at it really and I guess the main area of importance as per usual is communication. Open and honest communication that allows for each party to feel unthreatened and consoled, yet also passes on a solid message that hits home in the right way. I've crapped on way too long as it is, so I'll shut up now. I wish I had the million dollar answer for you Dawn, but I don't. I hope that what I DID share, helps even a little.

I think you and your man have a good thing. You all seem to communicate very well. I think if you ALL keep all the lines open between each other that you will do great. It's good to see him talking to Dearra and explaining things...most Dad's wouldn't do that I reckon and it's great that he email you with his concerns. I'd be telling him about your concerns with his temper and that you feel the need protect the kids in this event. Just put your cards on the table. He might be troubled by something.

I think you handled that just about perfectly. I agree that if he didn't want her to know about it, to have asked her to leave the room. That she was asking a question reguarding the conversation means that until he told her, she had been given no clues she was excluded from the conversation. Its one thing to present a united front, its another thing to present an unreasonable front. If you hadn't defended your child against this attack, then that's what you would be doing and probably giving her reason to not speak up another time, and maybe even making her afraid of him. This is a case where he over reacted, and if he wanted to have a conversation with you and not both of you, then he should've asked you to step away, into another room or have politely asked Dearra to leave so he could have a talk with "mom." Sometimes adults are wrong.

Wow, this is a difficult situation, to be sure. I have been reading the other responses, and trying to remember how things like this were handled when our kids were younger. Somehow, the kids always knew that Mama was there to protect them, if I did not agree with the way hubby handled things. At the same time, they knew that I was not going to take their side EVERY time they thought he was being unfair. If we were to start a discussion that the kids did not need to be involved in, I usually just cleared my throat to let him know that I didn't think it should be a family discussion, and we would go to another room. But, where to draw the line? That's not such a simple thing to tell someone, is it?