Gift advice sought....  

My husband and I were both married previously, both brought one child into the marriage. Both families gifted the step child. but we were MARRIED. and we had one child of our own together. All 3 kids were bought for, when they were little. Not little anymore, I don't have to pretendI partake of Christmas anymore.

Mother does not have the funds to buy for almost sorta kinda great grand kids, and I don't think she should be expected to.

Then certainly do not purchase gifts if you don't partake in Christmas anymore and would recommend the same for your mother if it is going to leave her finacially tight. But I would still tell your daughter of your plans so she can make arrangements/plan on how she will deal with the children.

quick discussion? easier said than done, as we are very spread out, even e-mails are tough. I just don't think gifts should be EXPECTED, not by anyone.
4 stockings, equally stuffed. Problem solved....I think

ok, i have fairly strong views on the present giving obligation (i.e. please stop it), but really you can't give certain little children less than others in a gathering. i think all that you can really do immediately is decide how much you can spend and treat them equably.

so essentially, I am being forced into buying gifts that I neither want to give or can afford to give, ON TOP of the 4 EQUAL stockings?


I am so over this phrikken holiday already...Ya know, it would almost be easier if I said to hell with the party altogether.

do that.

I can't....it would crush my Mother...damn it....

P.A. I always appreciate your responses, no matter if we are in agreement or not.

I did say that I would furnish stocking for the little kids, and that if my mother still wanted to give envelopes, she could put them in the stockings. I have a spare envelope to slide into the older almost's sock, if need be.

I know very well what it's like to be that odd kid out...My siblings father died and my mother remarried (and divorced). I was always welcomed at my sib's Grand's, I was no relative to them per se, but an extension of my mothers. I didn't get as many gifts, but I always got something. I lived. My self esteem didn't scar from it.
I am blood related to my niece & nephew...
I am not a grandparent. I am not a christian. I don't celebrate, but am willing to give stuffed stockings to all 4 underage kids so everyone feels the love.
is that not neutral enough?

JodiLynn, I am glad that you appreciate my input, even if we do not agree. In my family, blood does not necessarily mean anything, but I know that is not the case with all families. In my family, there are some people that we are related to by blood, but we do not consider them family. There are other people, however, that we share no DNA with, but they are absolutely family. That makes the question of family so much easier, because it is about our relationship rather than biology, especially since there is a lot of step-relationships and adoption, although I would hope that an adopted child would be considered "blood related" regardless of DNA. In any case, you have very clearly stated that you are not a grandmother, so that answers the question of family, regardless of whether you share DNA with these children or not.

Since they are not family, and you have agreed to get all the children stockings so that they all get something, then I think that you are being fair. If there is any doubt or concern, then you can always tell your daughter what you are going to do, and if she does not feel that it is enough, then she can get her partner's two children something and wrap it to be given at the party with the other gifts. I think it is great that you care enough to put this much thought into it before hand, so that the children's feelings are not hurt at the party. I wish that everybody would be so thoughtful, especially since you clearly state that you "are not Christian" and most of the ones that I have in mind profess very loudly that they are. I think you are doing a lovely thing, even though it might be a pain in the butt for you.

I lack the grandmother gene...it's true.
I AM concerned about making them feel like one of the gang. My Family is made up of *MOM*,2 half siblings & their kids, Husband, my kids, my step son & his mom, my foster children, and brothers & sisters of the heart.
Some family you just get by lottery.
Some you choose willingly.

I love them all, and want to surround myself with them for just this ONE day, and have it be wonderful for EVERYONE. that would be the best gift I could ask for.

I love what you said about family "Some family you just get by lottery. Some you choose willingly." That is how I feel, except that I try to deny some of the ones that were "awarded" to me by "lottery". I really like how you that the best gift you could have is being surrounded by your family for just one day and having everyone enjoy the time together. That really is the best present ever, and it speaks volumes about your character. You are a wonderful person, and I think you have the "grandma gene" but you just don't know it yet.

I think I just have the Aunty Gene, or is that Anti-gene?
(my daughters name is Jeanie)

JodiLynn, you disappeared! What happened to that beautiful face that I liked looking at when I read your responses? I hope it comes back to us soon!

I'm trying to give myself a role model (stickwoman)
I ate a whole pie last week.
By myself.

Feelin like a large marge

Ah yes, been there, done that, and felt exactly the same way. I have been trying to motivate myself recently, too. I do not think that a stick figure is a good role model, though - too skinny. If it provides enough motivation to make you feel better and do what ever you need to do to get yourself to a better and healthier place, then you go girl. However, just remember that too skinny is just as bad as too heavy.

I wouldn't ever leave them out, but I really don't feel the assumed connection with these kids, maybe the younger one just a little, but definitely not the older one. They have two sets of grandparents, plus my X inlaws to scavenge gifts from. Other than the stocking, I just don't feel the need.
Does that make any sense to you? I'm sure I am not coming across the way I intend...sorry :( I'm really not an evil person...I hope....
At 41, I am not prepared to be anyones grand anything. They do not address me as a grandparent (thank gawd!), and to be honest, I don't see my daughter staying in the relationship for the long haul. It breaks my heart to know how hurt she & the girls will be when it implodes. That said, maybe it's self preservation on my part, not getting attached at all, in case of break up??? I'm sure theres deep psychological stuff involved...

STOCKINGS: Equally filled, each with an envelope (just some will be from nanny, others from Santa).

As to not feeling like they belong, they barely know any of us, how could they NOT feel like outsiders when they are still asking "what's your name again?"?

I don't think you are evil, not at all. I do think there may be some self preservation stuff going on, and I understand your reluctance to become attached.It's just that little kids don't understand those things, they take everything personally. Good luck.

Love is the answer to most of the worlds ills.
I like your think by mind, work by heart statement, may I use it also?