Kids quitting school and where does the blame belong?
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
United States
April 23, 2012 10:37pm CST
Before you respond to this discussion, please read it. Please don't read the title and then give some glib answer. This is a serious issue going on in families today and has been going on for generations in families.
I've been thinking about the problems parents have with kids. I have a friend who has a girl that quit school at 16 back in the 80s. The mom goes through guilt of not knowing what to do and not getting any help from the system. She took her daughter to the doctor and he had her IQ tested and told the mom that her daughter was borderline retarded. The mom was young when she had her daughter, so she smoked a little bit during her pregnancy, and she also drank a little when she was pregnant. Her husband always went out drinking, but she only went a few times.
I know there are people in the present day who also make mistakes when pregnant... even when they do everything right, they can still have issues with their children. There is family dysfunction .. there is molestation.. there are lots of things that kids have to go through. There are any number of reasons for kids to get a bad start in life.
There are times when a kid just can't seem to learn no matter what. Sometimes it might be due to family dynamics, and sometimes it might be due to other factors.. maybe a mom drank in pregnancy or took drugs or even smoked in pregnancy and the child was somehow damaged so that their brains couldn't develop properly and the child later had learning problems.
Kids are a product of their genetic makeup, and environmental factors. If a mom didn't always make good decisions concerning her unborn child she could cause damage to that child when he/she grows up.
So let's say a child goes through school and for whatever reason the child just couldn't learn. His or her marks in schools were always F's and no amount of special help seemed to improve the grades. Then the child is passed from one grade to the next so she won't be bigger than the other kids. So now he or she goes on to a higher grade with even harder work. He or she didn't get the basics of the other grades. So he or she is in grade 8 and can't do 3rd grade work.
So eventually the child wants to quit school. She has a boyfriend by the time she is 16 or 17. The child quits school at 16, and didn't finish the 8th grade. The child may have been held back a couple of times, but he or she never absorbed any of the book learning.
So the parents think about this and can't see where staying in school is going to help, since the kid can't learn anyway. They have no plan for the future, but they hope the child will learn as he or she gets older.
The child grows to adulthood, and feels worthless. He or she gets in their 30s or 40s and has some trouble reading still. He or she can't spell even simple words and has to ask how to spell a simple word on facebook or something.
One day all the crap hits the fan and the child feels stupid and ignorant but lashes out at the parent for not chaining her to the school desk. The grown child forgets that he or she sat in school like a bump on a pickle... doing nothing, absorbing nothing.
Is it the grown kid's fault for not going to adult learning schools to learn the basics?
Is it the parents' fault for not knowing what to do. Like the kid might have been sent to a school psychologist, but no information was ever given to the parents. Remember, when this kid was in school it was probably more than 20 years ago.
Or is it the school's fault for letting the kid fall through the cracks?
Personally, I don't think blame is the right thing to do to people, though we always seem to judge someone for the trouble they have with their kids. I catch myself doing it sometimes, but really... are any of us perfect? Do we always make the right choices?
When a child grows up, is it finally that adult person's responsibility to change his or her life?
I guess what I'm thinking is... you can't go an un-ring a bell. You can't go back in time and make that child learn. You can't go back in time and make better choices for that kid that is now an adult. You just can't do it.
What are your thoughts? This is one you will need to think about. You might be tempted to write out of emotion, but please think about what you have to say. What are your thoughts about a situation where a child grew up to not succeed in life?
2 people like this
7 responses
@lynboobsy11 (11343)
• Philippines
25 Apr 12
Still it is on the parents hand specially the mother, if is she will choose the right path for her children. I don't believe there is such stupid person, patience is still the way to teach a low IQ kid. But if the mother has no patience and will give up at the very first she knew that her kid has this low IQ there is nothing to happened but to ruin the life of the kid. In my own experienced I know I was born with only in average thinking, I can't be good that much in school but my mother thought me how to be a good citizen and how to be good daughter. I married to young not because I'm out of school youth, I almost tried to finished my college but lack of money make me stop. I married Ann's father with higher education and I believe the she inherit his father intelligence. I got separated with Ann's father when she is only 5 yrs old. Even I'm a single mom I hardly tried to finished Ann's education up to her college my goal is to give her a bright future and not suffer the life I have. Stepsister of Ann is my next goal I hope she can finish her college same with her sister. This is the only thing I can give them before I leave in this world.
1 person likes this
@lynboobsy11 (11343)
• Philippines
25 Apr 12
Thank you for that, I really understand your point maybe that's the only difference my parents were mature enough when I was born, I also knew that I was born out of wedlock and I have step sisters and brothers in each of them and they left them and build their own family and I was the only one child they have. My other sisters and brothers with them have no communication with us they did not even acknowledge their mother or their own father, and I'm the one who suffers most, because I have to be with them and support them. I just thought now in your discussion, their other children is the one who is in your discussion that maybe suffers so much because they were lived and got old with out their own mother or father as well.
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
25 Apr 12
You have a kind and patient heart, and that is what it takes. I can relate to the bad stuff and I can also relate to the good stuff. I parent myself now because my parenting wasn't so good. You can read upwards on my posts here in this discussion to see how I relate to the discussion.
I feel that parents, especially when they are young... they can lose focus or not KNOW what to do for their children. They especially may not know how to parent if they, themselves, have suffered abuse. Both my parents were abused children and it scarred them for life.
They were both drop outs from school. They both worked for starving wages and dad had 2 jobs all of my life to provide the best he could.. He did do well though.. with what little he had, he built 3 houses for us during my lifetime.
But they didn't know how to parent. I was never good enough for my mother. I was always compared to my smart brother and to my perfect cousin that was like a princess. To this day I can't stand the thought of my cousin because she was always shoved in my face so much, and my cousin knew it and reveled in it.
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
25 Apr 12
I always feel that parents are primarily responsible for the way children shape up in life. Circumstances do come to play but from personal experience I have found that a child achieves his full potential when the mother is motivated. I have taught many students and I have found this. Even ordinary students would do well in studies and get good grades when there is a responsible mother. Character building is also done at home and school. The parent should monitor the proper attitude he imbibes from school.
Parents have a very important responsibility and role to play till the child crosses over his adolescent period. After he becomes an adult he becomes mature enough [should] to take his own decisions totally. Till then guidance is needed because the mind is flexible and immature and vulnerable to negative influences from outside.
1 person likes this
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
25 Apr 12
Hi !It is kind of you to have shared so many thoughts of yours and I am glad that you have really achieved worthwhile things in life , with your passion for writing about health.I do not think you are 'dumb as a rock'; we cannot be proficient and take interest in everything in this world.But children really need parental care and affection; if it is not there for some reason , their mindset does get affected.
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
25 Apr 12
I really do agree with you, and I also feel that kids are the product of their surroundings. For instance, my parents were good people, but they could not help me in school. We had a terrible home life due to child abuse and spousal abuse. I used to hide in the closet to feel safe from all the yelling and crashing of things. My mom protected me as much as she could.
The turmoil caused me to dumb up, I guess. I'm just using myself as an example, since I know myself best. I couldn't understand adding a column of numbers, and I couldn't do borrowing subtraction, and I couldn't do long division and I couldn't do 2 or 3 numbers in multiplication... I was a mess. I just couldn't grasp it. I'd just guess at the numbers. My parents would try to help me, but they would subtract by adding which totally confused me because it wasn't like the way the teacher taught us. It was backwards. Then my dad would get frustrated and pound his fist into the table or throw me out of my chair or turn the table over... it was a war zone growing up.
So.. I get passed from one grade to the next because the teachers didn't care either. They just passed me to get rid of me. Sometimes I had to go to summer school and still I flunked but I was passed on. I was sent to the school psychologist, but they just went through the motions.. I never heard anything that came of it. Apparently my parents didn't either.
So finally I make it to be a sub-senior... I'm taking 11th grade history along with 12th grade history...it's too much... the kids are calling me retard... I just quit. No one tries to stop me either.
I get a job... years later I take my GED.. it takes me 3 times but I get it... then years later I take adult literacy courses and go to college. I also had become a nurse after the GED. I excelled there because it was science and health related...
Now fast forward to present, I'm a health writer. I'm doing what I love, but I'm still dumb as a rock in things that don't interest me.
I can't blame my parents for how I turned out now... they wanted me to be better than them.. and I think I achieved that. I made more of my life than they did in some ways... though.. even though my dad could be an SOB.. he was also a great influence in my life in other ways growing up. He only had a 5th grade education.. yet he learned to build houses and he built 3 of our houses.. he also learned to fly and owned 2 planes. I flew with him when I was around 2 years old and I remember most when I was around 17 years old he would take me flying... so he was good and bad... when he was good he was very good and when he was bad he was very bad.. a product of his abusive past.
Oh... I didn't mean to say all that.. but it's out there. 
@GardenGerty (169448)
• United States
24 Apr 12
I know a number of people who are trapped, because of lack of success, or even because of a bad job market and no skills. Our society has moved so quickly into almost totally computer based skills or at least requiring computer related abilities. We do not have the diversity that our more rural society had for work and jobs.
What can be done for the child who did not learn the book learning? Find something they are able to do well and provide a way for them to do it. You know, even when a pregnancy goes perfectly and the mom and dad do not smoke or drink, a baby can be born that is different in some way. We just do not make any allowances for "different" people.
If the school tried, the parent tried, and the child tried maybe that child was not destined to excel in book learning. Perhaps they are talented with animals, or compassionate to small children, or able to do things with their hands or artistically.
I had to realize, when I was 28, that I could no longer blame my sloppy housekeeping on my mom. I was responsible myself.
1 person likes this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
24 Apr 12
Hi Gerty. This is such a hard topic to even talk about. I feel so bad for the children who grow up without support. But like you said, there are parents who did everything right and still have a child that can't succeed in today's busy life that demands computer literacy and other skills.
I think little by little ... even as an adult, the adult child can maybe find something she is good at and begin to make it her mission to succeed. She might learn slower than others, but I think if she tries and the parents try.. if they are still in her life, then maybe things can improve for the adult. Nothing is sadder (is that a word?) than an adult that feels she or he has no worth or ability.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (169448)
• United States
26 Apr 12
But see, I excelled in school, when I figured out how to but I never felt good at any one thing. I still do not. MyLot is one of the first places that made me feel valuable and important. Overcompensating and over helping others and trying to make everything perfect are my compulsions.
@jazel_juan (15745)
• Philippines
24 Apr 12
This is a serious matter and you are right, i was caught off guard when i was nearly finishing reading the whole discussion. See i was about to think that it is the parents fault as they have that responsibility to put that kid to school. But you said that it is right why should we blame?i myself do not know the details of all the circumstances.
But first let me say that the parents are the ones responsible - partly. As parents we should have that unconditional patience, the kind that does not last, to put our kids to school, to teach our kids no matter how bright or how dull they get, but then again if the parents you are describing are the ones who drank too much and does not think of the future then i do not think they are capable of giving such love and patience.
Second, the kid well, i do not think she is to be blamed as she was reared that way, unless she is very much capable of thinking on her own, but if she finds it hard to read and she knows that then she should have seeked help when she was already an adult plus since you said she had a boyfriend then i guess part of her knows what is going on and is capable of knowing her disability..she should have gone somewhere to seek help. Yet it is hard to tell and even blame her at all as she had no support to begin with. It should be her parents who will be at her side.
But then again, who am i to blame right? i could not erase all that was done, who am i? as i am not perfect either, i made big mistakes in my life. I in some areas not successful, i didn't grew up to be that child my parents thought i would be. But i did succeed as i know i am better now and i know i learned. All i want for that lady is to have someone to support her to go through life, someone who will help her reach her goals.
1 person likes this
@jazel_juan (15745)
• Philippines
24 Apr 12
i do know what you mean, it is worse here you know? we do not have family court that care, no parenting classes even.. so it is that bad here. When you get pregnant at an early age, people still condemned you and basically feels like disowning you.
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
24 Apr 12
It's a hard subject. Parents that make mistakes when they are young, can't go back and change things. Parents that didn't do anything wrong and still had a child that couldn't succeed in life wonder what they did wrong. It's just so sad. I feel that the blame game is really moot when the child is grown. If the child was small and there was a problem (nowadays) family court could be involved, parenting classes could be part of the deal of remaining a parent... know what I mean?
@megamatt (14290)
• United States
24 Apr 12
The reasons are very many. It really depends on any number of factors. From the children to the parents to the teachers to the school administration and pretty much anyone in between. For all of the times where the youth throws their hands up in the air and drop out of the school, it is not really that many schools are going to encourage their students to stay.
Often times children are written off as problems and liabilities. And sadly there are times where parents belittle their children, often times pushing them and shunning them when they struggle. That is the rather harshest reality. Of course, there are some children who just cannot be helped. And many teachers have just stopped caring. Bless those still trying to make a difference, but for a lot of teachers, if a student walks, that is just one less person they have to deal with. They get paid the same either way.
It is a really bad reflection of things that are going on and I do fear that it will only get worse in time. These children many of them are struggling today, are going to be those who are supposed to lead the next generation. I have no idea where the problems started, I'm sure if one went back a few generations, there would be some rather glaring warning signs. And there are many people who sink into a rut, not feeling that they achieved anything, with a life time full of regrets and obviously thinking about what might have been, feeling bitter. If only all parties could turn back the hands of time but what is done is done.
1 person likes this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
24 Apr 12
Yes I agree. No one really tries to keep a troubled kid in school when they can't seem to learn. It's like .. well.. one less kid in the class. I quit school also in my senior year. I was a sub-senior. I failed American History in the 11th grade, so I had to take it plus 12th grade history, which I don't know what it focused on.
I read the book and it meant nothing to me. I couldn't remember dates or places or what happened. We had tests and I usually handed in an empty page or nearly empty if it was written work.... if it was multiple choice, it was when in doubt check C... well I didn't want to put every answer as a C so I just went eenie meenie miny moe.
I did excel in science, but that was the only thing. My career was in health. I became a nurse. But I have always been totally inept in everything not related to science or health. You can read a couple of frames up about my story. I can relate to the person I'm talking of in the original post.
@ShyBear88 (59342)
• Sterling, Virginia
24 Apr 12
I think it really depends on the situation who it really comes down to being at fault. i would say all three to a certain extent have failed in some way. There is a law know saying no child left behind that means what ever means need teachers and parents are suppose to come together for that child and find away to educate that child no matter what the matter is. if its the child themselves, the home life or the teacher.
I had a learning disability my parents just didn't give up on me and my brothers they fought every day through that we went to school to get teachers that would work for us with us that would understand our brains and how it works to motivates to want to learn. I made it through 14 years of school because of my parents no giving on me they know I could learn, it might have taken longer and even then some times I didn't get or still don't get it. I found what I was good at and not good at. Managed to pass all of my classes every year for 12 years. Then college came which was a lot harder and I tried I did two years and stopped its not for me. I'm old enough to make that choice.
As a mom I would let my daughter or even her sibling stop going to school. If the teachers and the school doesn't think she can learn then they are dumb and need to go back to school. Every child can learn they have the ability to maybe not to the same degree as everyone else in that room but all it takes is one good teacher to give that child all the time in the world to connect to find something to make learning possible for that child. If that means I have to move to a new state to find the right school for my children I will do that. My parents didn't give up on me and my brothers even when teachers might have. I had teachers that worked there a$$ off for me to learn something even if it was something small that other children have know for year it was something new to me.
If I can get my kids to finish high school that will be great and I would be so proud of them and if they continue on after that I will still be proud of them even if they don't finish college. The more years you get the better you have at getting a good job but that doesn't mean having 12 plus or more years of school means they will have a better life then the one that did it all.
I do know people that dropped out of school at 16 got a great job they didn't finish for certain reasons but I resepect those reason and they know school is always there if they want to go back and finish it off. It just makes life a little harder if you don't have at least 12 years of school with a dipolma or GED.
1 person likes this
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
24 Apr 12
I'm so glad to hear your story and that your family fought for you and your teachers fought for you. That is just awesome, and I'm sure it has made you the person you are now.
I was labeled as borderline retarded. I was in one grade section from the special class. I couldn't learn when I was a kid. My mother didn't do anything wrong that I know.. I was just not one to learn well. There was a lot of turmoil in my home. My dad had anger issues, and I think that is what caused me not to learn. My brother was all A's. He handled the stress different than me.
I didn't know I wasn't dumb until I got my GED and then went to nursing school. I excelled in nursing school. I had some trouble with growth and development because it was all memorization. I helped a student learn anatomy and physiology and she helped me learn the pharmacology math. I made it and did well on my boards. I'm now a freelance writer. I know a lot about a little... too far out of my knowledge base and I'm as dumb as a rock..
@ShyBear88 (59342)
• Sterling, Virginia
25 Apr 12
Most all things that have to do with brain is genetic. My dad had a learning disability and passed it on to me and my brothers. I was the 3rd child so my parents knew before the school tested me that I had one. My nephew he is autistic so it's going to be hard for him to learn certain things. My daughter we are unsure if she has any forms of learning disabilities we won't know till she is at least 6 or 7. The same with my second baby. Over all my nephew he is pretty normal when it comes to kids just a bit different when talking and dealing with him.
@annrielyn_03 (350)
• Philippines
24 Apr 12
in my opinion, first things first, based on what you have said, the mom has to do with the mental development of the baby. the drinking and smoking thing that she did during the pregnancy somewhat affected the baby's brain development. if i'm not mistaken, every woman knows that we should not tolerate drinking and smoking habits during pregnancy right. for me that's one factor for the mom.
secondly, the fact that she already knew that something is lacking her kid and she wasn't able to ask how to handle the situation may have had something to do with what had happened to the kid now.
third, due to the generation that it happened, the fact that it was in the 80's, i know that people are not that aware in those kinds of situation so they really don't know how to handle that kind of attitude the kid has. Plus the school that the kid went did not helped the kid's behavior to be changed.
so in my own conclusion, the mother is not the only one to be blamed. i cannot put all the blame to the mother. there are just few things that the mother should be blamed of. i know all mother wants the best for their child nobody's perfect.. she just made some mistakes. that's all.
i have known a child who has genetically impaired also. he's 9 now but he acts like he's 7 and he's very slow too. the mother just send him to some institution for that kids so they could have proper learning. if he doesn't grow up to be successful, then it's nobody's fault. the mother gave him all the best he can get anyway.
@PointlessQuestions (15397)
• United States
24 Apr 12
Hi Annrielyn,
Yes, I believe the mother could have made better choices. I think chronic depression of one's state in life, and with not socializing much.. maybe it's not even thought about to not smoke or drink in pregnancy. I really think that even back in the 70s when my friend's child was born.. she was in school in the 80s... there wasn't a whole lot of information like there is now.. now we have commercials about mother baby health.. like don't smoke.. but back then, I don't even remember anything much like there is now.
You would think common sense... but I also think that some women are ignorant as to how their bodies work... like what they eat and drink and INHALE affects the baby. I don't think some mothers think past themselves... like they are so caught up with the trials and tribulations of their own lives, that they don't think about the welfare of their baby developing inside of them.. or their baby that has already been born.
I've seen mothers in Walmart.. you see everything in walmart... I've seen mothers who clearly shouldn't be mothers... or expectant mothers. It just makes me sad.. but then how can I judge when I was not perfect... none of us are.. even the most careful can make mistakes.
I have a friend who keeps her kid sick because she keeps her too clean and never allows her to get dirty... she stays sick. I think if she didn't focus so much on wiping away every germ that her child wouldn't stay so sickly. People make mistakes without even trying.
