I can't find a good self tanning product.

All products react differently to different people; you will have to go trial and error until you find the one that is right for you. Jergen's had one that took a couple of weeks to work fully but generally provided good results. You may want to go to a dermatologist who can help you find a product that is truly right for you. They sometimes have samples that you can try first before you buy. If you can't go to a dermatologist, find a beauty school who teaches skincare and ask the for help.

Trying any product, which is having loads of chemicals will always left side affect of it, if not immediately then later on. People of countries near tropic of cancer are relatively more tanned than they need to be. Once the skin is tanned naturally it is less prone to skin cancer. It's better if you take sunbath in early morning and evening to stay away form danger of cancer. If possible and you like to travel around world, I recommend you to go to the countries (places)which is nearer to tropic of cancer (not on it) like India and visit places like Goa unlike many foreigner's do they come for a month or so and have their skin tanned permanently and naturally.

I learned of a high-end product called Terracotta from Guerlain of Paris. I've never tried it but it gets consistently high marks from reviewers. The price is a bit high ($35-50) but I guess you get what you pay for. Not sure where you'd buy it-guessing a high end department store.

I'd rather look like the underbelly of a fish than worry about being tanned.

The best tanning product I have found is tan towels. You can find out more about the product on www.tantowel.com. I got mine from HSN.com on special. But that is annually about April or May. I would advise you to exfoliate your skin before using them or it comes out ronchy.