you can choice if you want to get married because of this?
By C
@ShyBear88 (59342)
Sterling, Virginia
May 24, 2012 8:41am CST
Earlier this week I was talking online to a 18 year old in another country. She has just finished high school and has to wait till next year when she is 19 to go to college because that is how they do it there. She told me she had a religious problem and need to ask me a question. Well the question was about religious in regards to her boyfriend that she has been with for 2 years.
She told me she wants to marry him but her family is catholic and her boyfriend is a born again christian. Okay when people tell me this I know they are the same religion just that one breaks a few things differently. She doesn't want to convert and he doesn't want to convert okay I see nothing wrong with that. Me and my husband are like that as well. I was raised catholic but I don't practices and my husband is a born again christian but he doesn't practices either. I told her well if you love him and he loves you then your religions don't matter. You don't need to be the same to have a relationship be married. But then she said that "that doesn't make us a family because a family is all the same." I told her well that is kind of offensive right there that is tell me that me and my husband and our kid are not family because we don't have the same faiths. That is true that isn't what makes a family families are all different every person in your family is different from what they want and don't want. You don't have to agree on the same things all of the time you don't even have to be the same religion to be a family. Then she brought up that she can't go to his church and he can't go to her's. I told her that isn't true all religions are pretty much open to outsiders they aren't going to question when you come in through the door are you such of such no. You can go and watch and they will not care. I got all of the time with my husband and his family to church. We don't go every weekend that just isn't me and my husband. He'll go with me when I want to go to church.
After that she said there kids would get confused in the future. I told her even if you raised them in one or the other religion they might not want it and it might not be for them. You should let them choice which one is better for them. You can raise them in both there is every few difference between them. The only difference is that Catholics get baptized normally as babies and born again Christians choice when they are read to be baptized. When they have been saved. Outside of that there is the communion which is different from church to church any ways. To me listening to all of this was her way of saying I don't want to marry him she was trying to find and excuse for why they can't be together. I wanted to tell her if you don't want to marry him then don't if you can see around a religion that you feel that its going to stop you then don't do it.
When it comes to love there is always a way around things. You don't need to make up things or think about things way to much. These days there is all kind of relationship with all of religions between those two people. To me when you love the person your with you want ask them to change who they are for you and they want ask you to change for them. If one or both of you want to change it should be for yourself. When I married my husband he didn't ask me to change my name, or change my views on like he was just asking me to be with him in a more we are one state then two. I never expected him to change anything about who he was including his last name. I did change my last name but that was my choice and I didn't change my religion either. We are raising our kids in a every religious open house meaning any religion is welcome our kids are free to pick one or try them all.
2 people like this
6 responses
@laydee (12798)
• Philippines
24 May 12
I actually had the same issue with my partner. I do understand that girl's sentiments, to me a family is stronger when they pray together. There are many things that a family does like enjoying, talking, eating together, traveling together and perhaps she'd like to include 'praying together'.
Though Christians and Catholics are the same in many ways, there are a lot of difference in terms of practices. I guess what she wanted was that for them to pray the rosary together, go to church together, study the Bible together, etc.
I know that both you and your partner don't really practice your religion, which is why it's easier for the two of you to be together. However, as a devout Catholic, I was torn like her. It doesn't mean I am just trying to find some excuse because I don't really want to marry him, it's just that when you find yourself in a situation or experience where you've been helped or touched by God, it's now a much much different thing because you cannot just decide because of love, but faith also comes to mind.
Further, I also understood her plight when she said that the kids might be confused. Yes they would actually. They would be confused where to go. If the husband doesn't want to go with the wife (and vice versa) to the church, then who gets to go with the kids? Then there would be questions like "why isn't daddy (or mommy) with us? It's easier to let them decide when they're older, but it's a different thing when they're kids. You'd be hurt when they'd prefer to be with daddy.
I believe that as parents you both should be unified. Just like when parents try to discipline the child, you cannot let the child choose which type of discipline is best, the parents decides. I think this is what she meant. Likewise, when parents look for schools, they don't let the kids choose the school they go to (they don't get any of these because they are beginners - never been to school) so the parents will have to choose for them based on their unified decision.
What we have come to decide was simply to go to both churches for a few months (6months each). Then we'd decide once and for all which religion or church we'd bring our kids to and why. I will honor him as my husband as long as he tries (with an open heart and mind) my religion as well. Further, nobody is asked to change religions, but we just need to choose which church to go to, which 'practices' to teach our children with. Then when they're older, they could choose for themselves which religion they want.
I think as parents or as husband and wife, couples should be partners. As partners (even in business) they can't say "let's see what we can do next" but instead they both decide what's "good" for their family. It's that ability and maturity to decide and choose that makes them parents rather than observers.
Therefore, if I could talk to that young girl, I would simply tell her - if you really love him and he loves you, you both will be able to talk about it and will come to a very good decision that would be good for your family. Relax and just have faith.
Have a great MyLot experience ahead!
1 person likes this
@ShyBear88 (59342)
• Sterling, Virginia
24 May 12
For me and my husband we don't feel we need to devote or selves to a faith any faith. We believe in them all. I don't feel closer when I do go to church or pray so I don't and neither does he. We never talked about and when it came to use with our kids we just agreed automaically it doesn't matter. I know to half of his side of the family it is a big deal and to the others it isn't. It doesn't mean its any easier for us because we don't practices, or we don't go. He is free to do as he wants and I'm free to do as I want.
The way she talking to me was like she was trying to find a way out of it vs saying this is what I think and feel. She would state why its a big deal to her and really it wasn't big deal to her it was more of making her parents happy vs herself. I can't understand trying to please your parents but at the same time if someone makes you happy then all that stuff to me its easy it doesn't matter. My mom was raise both when she was a kid she went to both churches and my grandparents went to both together. I told her you can do what me and my husband does we take turns. We trade off, my nephew he is being raised as both jewish and catholic. His mom was raised that way and she choice being more jewish in her faith. My parents both liked catholic so they raised me and my brothers openly in that. For me and my husband we do both. My husband will go with me he doesn't know all the practices of a Catholic person but that is okay. I participated at his because its easier in terms of what they are doing at his grandparents church but we only go to please them every now and then. Every one there is every nose and into what you are all doing and private busyness.
I told her to relax if you two are meant to be together things will work out over time. Just don't sit there over thinking every little things. She asked what type of wedding I had. I had a court wedding because I wanted a Catholic wedding which my husband was more then okay with it was his grandparents that we knew would be throw through the ringer so then we changed to and open wedding with certain prayer or saying that we wanted. But in the end we got tired of doing all the wedding stuff and getting stressful that we said screw thing we are getting married in a month reset a date and got married at a Judges house. It was perfect for us maybe not others so much.
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
24 May 12
I think it is a great idea to visit both! And then when the kids are about 13, bar mitzvah age, you ask them which one they want to follow . That way they know about the faith of each parent. That is far better than having mom or dad taking them to one church all their lives while the other parent stays home. My guy and I are of different faiths. I am so lucky there will be no children.So I have been teaching about my faith and he is teaching me about his. This can be the best of both worlds.In some homes the kids may opt to keep going to Both!
1 person likes this
@ShyBear88 (59342)
• Sterling, Virginia
24 May 12
We stay agnostic when our kids are ready they will let us know which is right for them or not. What ever faith it is we will be right there behind them.
1 person likes this
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
24 May 12
you are so right. In this young woman's eyes my immediate family wouldn't be a true family either. My mom was an Agnostic and my dad was a Baptist.And that I shouldn't be with my guy either. We are of different religions. She seems sad to me. I have a feeling she will leave her guy and hook up with a Catholic. It seems this is far more important than being in love with her current guy.
@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)
• United States
24 May 12
She may leave her guy if her parents say no to him. It is so sad. You calling yourself an Agnostic is reminding me of my mom again.she never forced religion on me. We didn't practice any of them and she was so supportive when I became Jewish. You are so correct. Here in America we are free to marry whomever. Religion doesn't hinder us. I hope for the best for your friend.
@ShyBear88 (59342)
• Sterling, Virginia
24 May 12
I think she is getting more pushed my where she lives because where she lives in the world what your parents and grandparents think and feel is more important then what you feel.
Here in the US you get all kind of people and all kind of relationships. To me two people of two different religious is normal in my family. My mom was raised both catholic house and christian house. She went to catholic private school like my dad did. But she choice for her being catholic was better for her. My grandparents didn't say a thing about it and also at the time they got married it was looked down at if you where a white women marrying a Hispanic man. Me and my brothers we have married other people from other religious. the ones of us that have kids we are raising them open to all religions regardless if we practice it or not regular. I say I'm catholic but more agnostic since I see all religions as being correct in there own ways. Some I agree more on then others.
For me I just never made it a factor in to why I should or shouldn't marry someone.
1 person likes this
@ShyBear88 (59342)
• Sterling, Virginia
24 May 12
I wouldn't say id hinders all of us. Some people here still make big deals about it and other people don't. For me its just like I said its not a factor for a relationship for me at all. It was more of how a guy treats me and if he treats me the way I wanted to be treated and I'll treat him the way he wants to be treated but never forced in to doing anything I don't feel comfortable with or doing.
1 person likes this
@asdomencil (4265)
• Philippines
26 May 12
I have been in this kind of situation before.
My girlfriend was a catholic while I am from a different religion. When we became girlfriend/boyfriend she asked me regarding the conflicts in our religion. She doesn't want to be in our religion. Without any thinking, I immediately answered her that I will be quiting mine because I am not active at all. Also, I am doing what are the prohibited in our religion that time like celebrating Christmas, drinking, and eating some foods not allowed to us. We have been married in catholic church and remained as is.
Actually, our family was being converted to that religion but none of us were active now. They even returned to being catholics.
Nowadays, I just observed that when a man likes a woman with other religion, they tried to be member of that because of the girl and not because of what the religion teaches to the new members. Mostly men are doing the adjustments.
With regards to the girl you are talking about, she can talk to her boyfriend what are they going to do. They can make an agreement what religion are they going to take.
I just knew that there are some that are really faithful to their religion. They will consider it first rather than love. If the person they like does not want to be a memeber of their religion, they will dump them and just wait for the right person that are willing to be in their religion. But not in my case, I considered love rather than my previous religion.
Good day.
@ShyBear88 (59342)
• Sterling, Virginia
27 May 12
For me and my husband it was never talked about or anything. I never told him he had to convert or join what I believe in he did the same for me. We felt it was not a big deal and it still isn't even now. We've been married for 2 years never got married in a church but that was because of our families difference and also we didn't want to wait so we went through the court. Our kids are free to be in what ever faith they want to we will not stop them it's there choice. He is baptized and I'm Catholic either of us practice what we where raised in. We do attend here and there but not that often. I don't think anyone should change for another person what they believe in. If someone loves you they will not car not ask you to change for them. You can live with each other and be happy with out force or asking or having do anything you don't want to do.
@babyEj (1522)
• Philippines
24 May 12
Our family is Catholic- oriented. Our elders are very religious and strict on such matter especially in terms of marriage. But at the end, it was my older cousin's decision is important.Yes religion matters because it does reflect the belief of your partner, however we could compromise. With love, we understand and love someone beyond our capability.
@ShyBear88 (59342)
• Sterling, Virginia
24 May 12
To me it doesn't matter and to anyone in my family it doesn't matter at all. My brother married a jewish women they are raising my nephew in both. My other brother was like me married a Christitan and I married a born again chrisitan. It didn't matter to us or our parents or even there parents. My family is about of every open people we don't believe in making others in our family happy but ourseleves because when you love your family the things that they do doesn't matter because you love them and you will accepted that as who they are.
When you love someone it really doesn't matter at least not to me. I didn't care if I married a very religious person or not. As long as he never tried to change me I was okay with that. That is my husband he doesn't try to change me and I don't try to change him. We are happy as can be. Will go with each other to each others churches when we want to go .
@musicloverfriend (1465)
• India
25 May 12
It just doesn't make much sense, I mean that she loves him. It's like she is finding excuse to stay away from her boyfriend. When it comes to love, why would religion matter. It's personal and one's faith. It's not right too to expect the other change 'cause love is loving the person for what they really are. I live in India and there are many religions and castes in every religion(I think). Some people are just orthodox and follow these rules. But it's just foolish., birth giving you status, eh. 
. The more important is, the person. A person should be considered like, I'm human, he is human and she is human. Am I not right? 
. The more important is, the person. A person should be considered like, I'm human, he is human and she is human. Am I not right? @ShyBear88 (59342)
• Sterling, Virginia
25 May 12
Why are you rewriting what I wrong instead of just getting to the point of what you think and feel instead of reintegrating what I'm saying about what I feel. In the US we have no classes at all when it comes to religions and to my knowledge of other religious they do not have classes either.
Every one is human and they have a right to have a faith in something or nothing but that doesn't mean you can marriage that person because you have different views if you get alone and both agree to not change each other then that is what the point is.
@JER616 (545)
• Philippines
24 May 12
It's funny that a catholic and protestant couple will have this kind of marital problem. I have a brother who professes to be a born-again yet he still goes inside a catholic church. Since a born-again despises the concept of "church" saying that it is not a necessity to salvation as long as one has accepted Jesus as a personal Lord and Savior, a born again believer may enter a catholic church and tolerate catholic ways of worship.
While the catholic doctrine teaches that outside the holy roman apostolic catholic church, there is no salvation, catholics are also open in accepting within their congregation a non-catholic. The catholic church does not also prohibit its members to attend congregations of other religious denominations. No penalty/sanction is imposed on catholics who do.
Having said these, I do think that the couple can work out a compromise.
@ShyBear88 (59342)
• Sterling, Virginia
24 May 12
Me and my husband never compromised on this we just agreed automatical that it doesn't bother us to go to each others churches but at the same time we are more agnostic we don't devote our selves to a faith. We where raised in one but we feel its not a 100% and that all religions. For me I don't believe in God really I belevie in a higher power which is good enough for me. My husband he is kind of on the fance with god which I will not change how he feels about it. It's his choice to make not mine. We both see it as everyone is correct about what ever they feel.
I see it as any couple can make it work, jut don't think about it to hard. It'll come to both what is or isn't going to work. Both me and my husband feel throwing down peoples throat this is the only correct faith we just don't like that that is why we don't go to church and stuff.
