Could you dumb it down a little and not talk so much?
By vega83
@vega83 (6342)
Bahrain
April 29, 2007 6:08am CST
Has anyone ever told you to not express yourself or to dumb it down a little so that you don't come across as too confrontational or even rude?
I have been told that.
And trust me, it's not so good. I don't see why I have to be someone I'm not. Of course I won't be all over the place when I'm meeting someone for the first time, but I still wanna be able to confidently show who I really am. I am the kind of person who believes that arguments and debates are two completely different things.
Ok, I'm beating around the bush here. Let me tell you the whole story. I was out with a very good friend of mine, and I had met her bro and his friend for the first time, so it was basically a group of people hanging out. So in the car, someone asked what music shall we listen to? Now I'm not a meek person, if someone asks what I want, I usually speak up, so I said 'rap', and so my friend's bro says "you mean r&b?" I said "no, I mean rap", so he says "they're the same", and I said "no, they're not", and he says "Yeah, they are".
Now I'm not one to back down, of course if I'm so sure about something. I know that r&b is African-American pop, like Craig David, and rap and hip hop are completely different from it, rap is like Eminem or T.I, and they're poles apart.
So, I kept going, I said "rap is completely different" and he says, "fine, name a rap star" and I say "T.I" and he says "T.I is r&b" and I say "no, he's not", now this doesn't sound so bad right, I mean it sounds like a normal conversation, not an argument, at most it could be a debate. So in the end, he says "fine, you win", and I say "yeah, I do". Now I realize I did say that last part quite rudely, but other than that, I was not disrespectful, I mean, it's just an exchange of opinions right. But in the midst of this, I noticed that my friend looked quite uncomfortable, so I asked what was wrong, we talked about it a lot. She said sometimes I just have to let things go, in order to avoid confrontation, and I didn't even feel that it was a confrontation. She said that I don't always have to act like I know everything or that I don't always have to be right, if it means that I might seem rude to anyone. At that moment, I really was believing her, that maybe I should just keep my mouth shut, instead of really getting into it, especially when I know I'm right. So the rest of the evening, I didn't really speak my mind. I mean there were times where I had a better idea where to go, or what to do, but I didn't express myself, and I felt so trapped. Like at one point, our car ran out of gas, and so we had to push it to the gas station which was luckily only a few feet away. And at one point, her bro was trying to put it in "D" gear, without even turning the key in the ignition, and of course it wouldn't budge, I wanted to say "turn the key" but I didn't until finally one of the others pointed it out, quite late, to tell you the truth.
I felt like Malcolm in that episode of "Malcolm in the middle", where he decides to keep his thoughts to himself and everything goes right for him, because he kept his mouth shut, but in the end, he ends up with peptic ulcer.
See, that's my weak point, I don't care what I look like, but I cannot help expressing myself, even if people don't like me, I have to express my opinions and generally I have an opinion about everything. I don't mean to brag, but to me, my intelligence is my most treasured quality.
And, when I returned home, I realized that I would never do that, be quiet, just so people like me, or just so they think I'm not rude or disrespectful. I just did it for my friend because it's her elder brother, but never in my life will I ever shut up again.
Tell me, is being smart or speaking my mind, especially when I know I'm 100% correct so wrong?
Did I over react or was it my friend who over reacted?
Would you change who you are so people would like you?
5 people like this
12 responses
@TriciaW (2441)
• United States
29 Apr 07
The age old thing of when to talk and when to remain silent. Now you were right and he wasn't expressing it and then letting it go might have been the better thing. As I tell my children if someone says something that isn't true does it then make it true? No. I too am very blunt and very opininated at times. If someone askes me a question they are going to get the answer. I have learned it isn't always a good thing. Doesn't always stop me though. I was in a meeting and the head of the company asked what was going on with the staff and other managers. Easy enough question. We had all been talking about how unhappy the staff and managers were prior to this meeting with him. Well the rest in the room said nothing when he asked each one. I of course told him the truth. Again don't ask me if you don't want the answer. At that point things got pretty ugly for me at work. It seemed that they really didn't want to know the truth but they could at least say they asked sort of thing. Anything I did from that point on was met with a fine tooth comb. This was ok with me because I am the type that does what is supposed to be done and a bit more. This however upset the other managers and my staff that saw it so it just created more turmoil. What I learned from this was to yes be honest but maybe not as blunt and to take it down a bit. We can say what is on our mind in a tactful and simple way then we have to let it go. They either heard us the first time and listened or there is no changing their minds. So maybe you can say it once and let it go from now on. People aren't going to change their way of thinking.
@vega83 (6342)
• Bahrain
29 Apr 07
Well, yeah, tact is really important, I do agree, and I'm more than willing to work on that, and to work on my tone and anything else. I'm not stubborn and I do try to better myself, by learning from others, but there's a clear line between refining yourself and changing yourself. If I hear something wrong and if I'm really sure I'm right, then I do like to speak up, but I am willing to improve the way in which I present myself. Actually that's one of the things my friends pointed out, she's a nice friend and a nice person, and I guess she was in a way looking out for me, it just ended up being a different situation, unfortunately.
1 person likes this
@pendragon (3350)
• United States
29 Apr 07
I was trying to work for a popular card company as a writer, and I was told to dumb it down because the general card buying populace wouldnt understand me. I ascribe to Robert Louis Stevenson's answer to this.."bring your audience up, don't ever play it down." So,yeah didnt have that jon for too long.
2 people like this
@pendragon (3350)
• United States
30 Apr 07
Right? I would prefer to make the error of assuming people could keep up rather then assuming they'll never get past the starting gate,lol.
1 person likes this
@ESKARENA1 (18261)
•
29 Apr 07
in my opinion if someone is telling you to be quiet, to dumb down, not talk so much and other such, they are having a problem, not you. People who do not have your erudition will attempt to stop you showing them up as being inferior to you in this way. Never give in to this kind of bullying and speak your mind
blessed be
2 people like this
@vega83 (6342)
• Bahrain
29 Apr 07
I've never been one to be bullied anyway. It's not like that and the situation wasn't that intense, however, it was something that made me uneasy, not the actual conversation but what my friend told me later. That was the unsettling part. To some people I would have probably have looked like the bully myself.
2 people like this
@pilbara (1436)
• Australia
30 Apr 07
In the first place I think the guy was initially rude not you. You said what you wanted and then he corrected you, all you did was then point out that he was wrong and stand up for your point of view. I think you are a victim of what I consider to be a double standard, if a male does this he is being assertive which is a positive, but if a female does this she is often called names.
I doubt I would have been as tolerant about the key issue as you were.
I agree with you rap and r&b are totally different styles of music.
I agree with the other person that being tactful is important but I also see no reason why you should change your whole style just because someone else doesn't like it. Far better to be honest and a bit outspoken than someone who is quiet but a back stabber.
2 people like this
@vega83 (6342)
• Bahrain
1 May 07
Yeah, I do like to take advice from friends so that I can be the best person I can, but I won't change myself completely. I don't think that's even possible. I too, believe that it is better to be honest than to be two-faced and I would never be that.
About the double-standard thing, I did feel that too, although I didn't mention it here. I didn't wanna start a war of the sexes. It is true, when girls do it, people say that they yap a lot, whereas, when guys do it, people respect them for being smart and assertive.
But of course, that's not true for all people or all guys.
@complexvanilla (653)
• India
29 Apr 07
Hey, you are perfectly justified in your stance, and I personally think that dumbing yourself down for the sake of a few dumb people is really a regressive step. I have come across what you have gone through, however, it is much more common for a woman to be at the receiving end, as many dumb and egoistic males think that they know more about things than a woman and can go to ridiculous extents to prove it. I knew a guy who was incredibly conscious of the fact that his girlfriend could drive far better than him. He almost got himself killed trying to prove to some of his equally dumb friends that he could outdo her! Why would you want to even have such dumb people as your friends? I see no point in you trying to cultivate friendship with dumb people like that by dumbing yourself down. Be yourself. Sooner than later, you will make friends with people who respect you for your intelligence, and then you will be happy for being yourself!
Blessed be!
CV.
2 people like this
@vega83 (6342)
• Bahrain
29 Apr 07
oh, oh, have I completely victimized myself here and my friend is really looking like "the bad guy"? it's not like that, she's a very good friend of mine, in fact, we always have these discussions and the thing is that she didn't use those exact same words, "dumb it down", it was more like, she said, you don't always have to be the smart one. But to me I guess that's almost the same meaning, yet she didn't mean it in a really bad way.
But I do agree with the male egoistic things, not all men, but most of them generally think girls are dumb or something, and that's like my pet peeve, so it's also one of the reasons why I like to prove myself in such situations, especially when I know I'm right.
1 person likes this
@lordwarwizard (35747)
• Singapore
29 Apr 07
It quite hurts when someone asks you to just shut up and not talk so much. I have had it happened to me before but much as I try to recall, I can't remember the incident!! I think my subconscious mind must have buried it so deeply that I can't find it. But I am sure it happened to me before and I didn't enjoyed it.
I think it is wrong to ask people to shut up. And more than wrong if you do it in an insensitive way.
Vega, I know you have a witty mind and you know where your brain is. That's what I like about you. I always enjoy your postings and it is practically screaming that you are an intelligent girl and a fun one to be with. ;-)
Don't change. Don't change for anyone. Not even when the sky falls and we go without a roof. :P
2 people like this
@vega83 (6342)
• Bahrain
29 Apr 07
Thanks so much, I wouldn't wanna change either, I like myself, and I like being able to talk equally about intelligent or unintelligent and sometimes downright silly things. I try never to be offensive to any one and if I am, then I'm more than willing to gladly apologize.
And although I did feel bad about it, but she didn't really say it to me in an insensitive way, but the bottomline is that asking anyone to not be themselves is just wrong.
2 people like this
@lordwarwizard (35747)
• Singapore
29 Apr 07
Right. Everyone should have a right to be themselves.
2 people like this
@pumpkinjam (8540)
• United Kingdom
1 May 07
You have just described me I think. I have almost no friends and I think it is because I speak my mind. I do often feel repressed in a way because I feel that people won't like me if I state the obvious. I also only argue if I know for sure that I am right, which is quite a problem when most of the people I know are, to put it nicely, not very clever. I don't think you over-reacted but I think being intelligent is a problem. I'm sure that the less intelligent you are, the more people like you. Maybe it's because they feel threatened by people. I have often found that I can't have a conversation with people simply because they don't seem to be saying anything. I don't see why I should dumb down just to fit in with people I don't like anyway when, if anything, they should want to better themselves so they can be good enough for me to want to bother with them. If I have understood you correctly, I'm sure you know what I mean and won't think I am being pompous or rude by that!
Anyway, my point is that you shouldn't dumb down just so stupid people can understand you. You didn't do anything wrong in the situation and, if you are right about something then you are. I hate it when people argue with facts so I can understand how you felt.
@SexyMhei (152)
• Philippines
30 Apr 07
Hello Vega, there's nothing wrong with speaking your mind specially if you believe you're right. But there is a big difference with speaking your mind and being downright rude. First, you can express your opinion without making those around you feels like an idiot. For example, in your story, you said that your friend's brother kept on insisting that r&b and rap is one and the same.Ofcourse you're right, but the way you deliver it, maybe, make the one you're talking to like an idiot. You could have simply said that, "I believe they are two different genre,anyway, can you please play T.I's? I guess you'll say, "but I have to tell him he is wrong!" Actually Vega, he will soon realize it himself, but pushing too far is rude, no matter how truthful you are, and insisting that you are right and the other perosn is wrong is downright insulting. There are times, really that we should stop first and think about what we have to say before we just blurt it out. You might come as a strong and intelligent person, and you are proud of it as I can see, but it would push people away from you too. Being intelligent does not only being able to speak your mind and telling them everything you know, being intelligent also ewntails being sensitive to others around you. Think about it.
1 person likes this
@vega83 (6342)
• Bahrain
1 May 07
I'm gonna have to agree with CarlyLaine here, sensitivity is overrated.
Let me clarify that for you, sexymhei, first off, as you could see, I merely expressed what I wanted to hear, but it was I who was corrected, and not me doing the correcting in the first place, which is ironic as that correcting wasn't even correct anyway. So, the simplest way to put it would be, that I didn't start it, he did. And why are people so afraid to be corrected anyway. If someone corrects me, I am thankful to them, as in future, I wouldn't sound stupid and make the same mistake. And that's the intention I have in mind, when I correct someone, it's not to put the others down, or prove I'm miss right, but if I'm so sure that something is right, then why do I have to falsely agree with people? And being sensitive? It's not like I swore at him or yell at him or tell anyone that they're stupid. Would telling someone that rap and r & b is different really be that hurtful to anyones feelings?
I don't think so.
1 person likes this
@CarlyLaine (759)
• United States
30 Apr 07
Rude is in the eye of the beholder.
Sensitivity is overrated.
2 people like this
@Queenbrainybee75 (19)
• United States
30 Apr 07
Yes I have been told that since some people don't really like someone who's too overly intelligent because they feel less because someone happens to be pretty well rounded. No and I will speak my mind and I will not shut up for the sake of not making someone feel better since the problem with society is that not enough people speak up and say how they feel since it's viewed as rude and tacky when in fact some folks need to hear the truth and someone getting real with them.
You're right who cares if someone doesnt like you because you speak your mind.
I could'nt stand someone who stopped me from speaking what's on my mind. Part of the issue is that people like you and myself are educators and if your friend's brother said that T.I. is R&B he's wrong on all levels since Rap was derived from R&B, but the genre is worlds apart. I think some guys are intimidated by strong intelligent women. You should'nt dumb yourself down to get people to like you, if they respect you then they accept you for who you truly are.
1 person likes this
@vega83 (6342)
• Bahrain
1 May 07
Queenbrainybee, your name says it all. Why should anyone, man or woman, dumb it down, just so others feel better about themselves, that would be like a lie to the face. Why not be real? What's wrong with that? You are so right, some guys are intimidated by intelligent women, but why, wouldn't these guys prefer to have an intelligent conversation instead of just hearing girls giggle. Of course that's not to say that I do love giggling too, ha ha.
Why do we have to be one or the other. I'm sorry if my brain was a little more developed, but I don't have to be sorry for it for all my life, ha ha.
Yeah, Carlylaine, high 5.....
down low.... yeah!!
@CarlyLaine (759)
• United States
30 Apr 07
Queenbrainybee75, You are correct. It seems to me that the brother was being argumentative. Why does she have to back down? Why couldn't he have backed away?
Yes, seems also that we three you, Vega and myself are the educators.
I get so furious when someone tells me to 'shut'. We cannot allow people to push us around.
HIGH 5 WE THREE.
1 person likes this
@Woodpigeon (3710)
• Ireland
29 Apr 07
I think sometimes you do have to let things go, in order to avoid confrontation. I am a big believer in picking my battles. There are certain things I won't back down on, but I am generally prepared to listen to theother person's version.
That said, I don't like people stepping all over me because they are sure they are 'right' and if I come up against one of those, my temper often gets the better of me. A little confrontation isn't always a bad thing, and hey, if it aviods an ulcer, that has to be good!
@vega83 (6342)
• Bahrain
1 May 07
Of course, of course, I do listen to the other side as well, as you can see in the conversation and I was pretty sure that I was right in this case, so I didn't back down. I didn't even think of this as confrontation, until I was told that it was. I was just making conversation.
@MyCelestial (102)
• China
29 Apr 07
I think expressing yourself to others is really an excellent thing, but you should remember to put it in a proper way at a proper time.
You need not always correct others, which may make them uncomfortable and you may not leave them a good impression, especially when you meet someone for the first time.
For me, I do want to change myself a little, for everyone says I am an introvert. Now I thy hard to be open, to be really enjoying my time with my friends. Now a sophomore in the university, I really need to gain more abilities to prepare for the society.
1 person likes this
@vega83 (6342)
• Bahrain
29 Apr 07
Of course, I do know that, proper time, proper place, but don't you think that the whole rap debate couldn't have been at a better time, and as you know I didn't really start it, it's only when he said "you mean r&b" that I said "no, i mean rap", so I didn't really initiate the whole thing anyway.
If you're an introvert that's who you are, if you wanna try to be open, then that's up to you, as long as being who you are makes you happy, then you should do that. I feel the same, but of course like everyone else I too, have some aspects of my personality that need to be worked on.
1 person likes this
@MyCelestial (102)
• China
29 Apr 07
Then maybe you two both need to stop it if there is a trend that you may start a quarrel or argument.
1 person likes this
@lmccom10 (76)
• Australia
30 Apr 07
I'm blonde so I am always told to dumb down for the part. If I express a point I usually get challenged in some way- either my thoughts/views/whatever are not right or someone has to ramble on about it, so I just smile and nod. It saves time but is incredibly annoying.
1 person likes this
