How would you discipline your Teenager if they did this??
By lifeis2good
@lifeis2good (1183)
United States
September 17, 2007 9:40am CST
Our 14 year old son went to his 1st High School Dance on Saturday Night. It was the Homecoming Dance. I drove him and 2 of his friends to the dance and one of the friends parents were going to pick them all up and bring them home. The dance was held at the Old Cotton Mill in town which is only 10 minutes from our house. The dance was from 8pm until 12am!!!
So I expected him to be home no later than 12:30am!!! Well at about 12:20am - my cell phone rang and it was the parents who were supposed to pick up all the boys - the mother said that my son told this friend that he already had a ride and apparently left with his girlfriend, a friend and the girlfriend's parents.
The mother that called me was very concerned because she knew she was responsible for bringing them all home - so I told her that it was ok and that I really appreciated her calling me to let me know what was going on!!!!
So time goes by and it get's to be about 12:45am - with no call from my son nor anyone else. So I looked up his girlfriend's cell phone number and call it - there's no answer!!!! I am pissed off at this point!!! Then 5 minutes later I get a call from his girlfriend's cell phone and it's my son saying that they are at IHOP in town waiting for their food.
I then told him that he knew he was not supposed to leave with anyone but the friends parents - and that I would deal with him when he got home!!!
He finally walks in the door at 2:45am!!!!!! I am livid at this point!!!!! But because I was so livid and angry at this point - I knew it would be best just to tell him to go straight to bed and I would deal with him the next day!!!!
So the next day - he sleeps in til 12pm. Finally gets up and has a nasty attitude - so that just makes me more mad!!! I explain why I am so upset to him and that he can't do things like that!!!!
Of course - I was home alone all weekend as my husband was out of town and wouldn't return until Sunday evening!! So when he came home we all talked about it together and told him that he is definitely grounded - told him that you can go to school and come straight home.
So how would you handle this situation?? How long should we ground him for this!!!! And how can you feel sure that he grasps how serious this is??
Sorry this is so long but thought I should explain the whole situation!!!
Thanks in advance to anyone who responds!!!!!
14 people like this
32 responses
@manzano22 (77)
• Philippines
17 Sep 07
I don't have children yet but if ever i do have children who acted that way, I will smack him in the face with a frying pan. And then I will ground him for 3 months and will only get half of the allowance he usually gets. That shows 'em who's the boss. But ofcourse many won't agree with that so let me just say talkin to him and reminding him that you're his mother - the one who suffered 9 months and took care of him for 14 years just to get him to a highschool dance party, and the only appreciation you can get is for him to come back not later than 12. And because he's not 18 and does not have a decent job yet, he should follow your rules.
@lifeis2good (1183)
• United States
17 Sep 07
Smack him in the face with a frying pan!!!! LOL - now that's a good one!!!! Of course I would never do that!!! You are so right - and I don't think he really gets how hurt I was that he didn't even think to call me and let me know what he was doing!!! That's just totally wrong!!! And yes as for his allowance - he's not getting any of that while he's grounded!!!
3 people like this
@lifeis2good (1183)
• United States
17 Sep 07
Wow well then you must be a really good, honest son to your parents!!! That is always wonderful to hear about - especially these days - it sure seems like teenagers - at least those I have come across lately - are very disrespectful and don't abide by their parent's rules!!!
And you could be so right about him wanting to make a good impression on her parents - although you are still right - he did break the rules and apparently it didn't seem to bother him much!!! Such a sad shame!!!
1 person likes this
@manzano22 (77)
• Philippines
17 Sep 07
You know what? Ive been a teen too.. Done mischievous things and stuff but ive never really get to the point of disrespecting and not following my parents rules. I hate rules but I would never break a rule which I know that would hurt my parents feelings..Urgh, kids these days..
Well something just came to me right after i wrote the first paragraph, I think your son just want to get a good impression from his girlfriend's parents so he even went to the extent of breaking your rules.
3 people like this
@lilybug (21107)
• United States
17 Sep 07
I would have been so mad. I think at 14 staying out till midnight is late enough. The girls parents should have known better than to take him also. I think he should be grounded. I guess how long depends on how long he usually gets grounded for things. I say at least double the normal. I would also talk to the girlfriends parents about it. I would explain to them that they are not to keep your son out late at night unless they have spoke to you first.
4 people like this
@lifeis2good (1183)
• United States
17 Sep 07
You are so right - that we should double the amount!!! And I have left a message for the girlfriend's parents to call me back. They need to know what they did was so wrong - you don't just take my child without my knowledge beforehand!!!!
And I so agree with you that at 14 - there's absolutely no reason at all for him to be out past 12am!!!!!
3 people like this
@royal52gens (5488)
• United States
17 Sep 07
First, ground him for two weeks. Mark it on the calendar and post it on the front of the refrigerator. Second write down and specify what he is grounded from. Example: the phone, computer, tv, school functions, football activities, etc. Third, wake him up and not allow him to sleep in and have his written chore list with a time limit waiting for him. Fourth, When his friends call, Inform all of his friends that he is grounded and can not talk on the phone or go anywhere with them.
Fifth, call the parents of the girlfriend and let them know he is grounded and why. Discuss with them the lack of communication and the worry that you suffered. They should have picked up a phone and called you themselves. Your son lied to them. Their daughter may have lied to them. They may want to deal with her.
Sixth, set limits and stick to them. Good Luck.
3 people like this
@lightningMD (5931)
• United States
17 Sep 07
Great ideas,especially the chore list. I'm going to share this idea with my husband.
2 people like this
@Wasgilykitten (161)
• United States
17 Sep 07
I also love the chores list.
I have a 8 year old boy, and 6 year old girl
They both have chores before school and after school
At the end of the week if they have done all their chores they get rewarded on Friday.
2 people like this
@bizmom (515)
• United States
18 Sep 07
OH BOY!!!
id have been livid as well not able to say much as u couldnt!
:( but.. i would NOT have let him sleep till noon the next day!! hed have been up doing chores too!!
NO mouth no explaining nothing CHORES
then when hes finished Id ask *Now what made u think i wasnt going to know u did this*
wait for the answer not matter how stupid! lol ( they usually are) lol
then tell him well for that u are now grounded straight to school then home where u will have a list of chores! till I HAVE decided u learned ur lesson -- and that leson is NOT leasrned if they are still whinning and such about not going out or chores whatever!! when they STOP complaining then they MIGHT have!! then they know U MEAN business!!
THen i would sit them down again and tell them they do it again! it will be A MONTH and that will include NO puter, TV, phone, car (if they drive) NOTHING but music WE listen to ( oh no ears bleedings!! LOL ) adn homework and CHORES!!
Then id tell him to invite *little miss* over and have a talking to her as well!!
THATS JUST ME!!
im MEAN and my kids friends know it!! but ... they know im Fair!!
good luck with the teens mine have only just begun!!
1 person likes this
@Wasgilykitten (161)
• United States
17 Sep 07
I have an 8 year old boy. He's responible now but just wait huh?
If my son did anything like that I would be ore upset that he didn't call (which that's probably how you felt)
I'm a stay at home mom so, me I would take my son to school and pick him up from school no excusses for atleast a month.(Treat him like his in elementary school, he might be teased for it but he won't forget it). No phone calls for a week. The next dance, school function that they have I would take him and pick him at at a certain time No excusses.
My family and husband family thinks I'm to strict., but you have to be to keep your family dafe these days.
3 people like this
@lifeis2good (1183)
• United States
17 Sep 07
I too am a stay at home mom so now my husband is taking him to school in the morning and I will be picking him up at school so that I can be sure he's coming straight home!!! No more chances on him missing the bus!!! Yes the cell phone is now gone and I am answering the home phone everytime so that he doesn't have a chance to be on it either!!!
And you bet that the next school function - I personally will be taking just him and picking him right back up - you don't have a chance to catch another ride now!!! And you are so right - with things being so crazy these days in our world - you have to do what you need to do in order to keep your family safe!!!!
2 people like this
@lifeis2good (1183)
• United States
24 Mar 08
Good to know that other's feel like they would have been really mad about this too!!! And I agree with you that grounding him and not allowing him to attend other dances unless I am there as a chaperone was the best route to take!!!
1 person likes this
@renaud_tan (416)
• Philippines
31 Mar 08
What? because your son have a midnight snack with his girlfriend doesn't mean that he should be grounded for that?... well... uhmmm.. You should have talked to him that he should come home late and if he does, try to call before doing so, right?
I myself, always listen to my mother cause when she talks to me, she tries to explain why she's mad.. then after that I didn't do things that she told me was wrong anymore.. ^_^
It's like giving an advise and trying to make your son understand and do what he's told, specially when u know your right and he's wrong.. ^_^
I don't know if i helped you with this but.. i just hope that you talk to your son and tell him that you scolded him not because u don't want him to go out with his friends but because your worried about him and you don't want him to get into trouble because there are a lot of strangers outside specially past 12mn..
But who am i to say this, right? I'm just a little concerned.. that's all..
@lifeis2good (1183)
• United States
31 Mar 08
I don't think you fully understood what I was talking about - he wasn't grounded for eating with his girlfriend - but because he didn't come home with the parents who were supposed to bring him home and then he didn't even call me to let me know what he was doing and when he would be home!! Also - and for the most part because I hadn't even met the girlfriends parent's - so who I was to know my son was out with!!!!
And anytime my boys are punished for something - we always have a discussion about why and what they can do to change things and get back on the right track!!
1 person likes this
@deebomb (15304)
• United States
17 Sep 07
How about volunteering to chaperone that next dance? Then you know he can't sneak a ride with his girl friends parent's. I would be all over then too because they didn't make sure to call you to get your permission to take him to iHop. I would also not allow him to go to any other school function after school as football game unless you can go to. He would have to stick to me like glue while there for a month after you let him off from being grounded. And I would add something for every time he complained about it. 12:00 for even a 16 yearold is plenty late to be out. Later than that they can be up to no good for themselves or others. I have been where you were with worry too and I hated feeling so helpless. When these kids are little they get sick, have accidents and you wonder if you will get them raised. Then comes the teen years and you wonder about your own sanity.
@deebomb (15304)
• United States
17 Sep 07
These are the most trying years for any parent as well as the kids. One minuate they are so grown up and you wish they were little again the next they just make you want to smack them in the face with a skillet as some one earlier suggested, but I think the teen years are so much fun when they aren't driving you nuts which seems to be half the time.
1 person likes this
@lifeis2good (1183)
• United States
17 Sep 07
You so hit the nail on the head - the teenage years can be really fun when things are going the right way!!! And I agree - at this point - that has been about half of the time - I suppose that must be the norm!!! Yes I do miss those days of when they were lil ones as time sure does seem to fly by and they grow so fast these days - sometimes too fast!!! On one funny note - is that is sometimes feels strange to be disciplining him as he's already 3 inches taller than I am and continuing to grow - but he's still my baby - you know what I mean!!!
1 person likes this
@lifeis2good (1183)
• United States
17 Sep 07
Well I will defintely plan on doing that - I had planned on chaperoning this one but my other younger son didn't have anywhere to go and since my husband was out of town - I had to be at home with him - otherwise you bet I would have been there!!! Hopefully I can do it for the next one!!! You are right - he won't be going to any of the school functions unless I can be there and he has no way to get away and do what he wants.
You are so right - things sure were much easier before he hit the teenage years!!!!
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
21 Sep 07
You did the right thing. He's 14 and should have known better than to go off without informing you. You could have been worried sick-what if something had happened (God Forbid).
Do you know the girlfriend's parents? If I were you, I would talk to them too. They could have called you up to let you know or ask permission.
It's hard for a 14 year old...it will take him time to grasp how serious it is. They want their independance and the liberty to make their own decisions.
I remember doing something like that when I was 14. My dad didn't speak to me for a week or so! That was the worst punishment for me!I never did it again!
He'll probably think and figure it out himself if you don't keep pushing it. You've already done the explaining. Now let him think over it and take his own decision. I'm sure he'll realize he made a mistake.
1 person likes this
@lifeis2good (1183)
• United States
2 Oct 07
Yes I do know the girlfriend's parents and have already laid down the law with them - telling them that what they did was so wrong and that they should have either called me themselves or made sure that my son called me before they left the dance with them!!! I think they get it now!!! At least I hope so!!!!
And you are right - he's still grounded - but I am sure after this is all over - he will understand how hurtful what he did really was!!!!
@Daffodil20 (1754)
• India
31 Mar 08
i think your desicion is quite right. i remember when i was 12 and used to go to meet my friends every evening, and then return home late, that is after dark. once or twice my parents told me sternly not to be late, but then what they din't understand was that all others also were there till that time, and the friendly gossip just started at the time at which i was supposed to be back home! so i was in a sort of dilemna, as to which side to go...listen to my parents or enjoy with buddies. but then one day i was a bit too late and when i returned home i saw my mom standing on the gate. as soon as i came near her, i could see tears in her eyes. she was not angry that time...but sad! that in turn made me sad, and she did scold me harsly for about ten minutes, but after scolding , she said something that conveyed that she has no expectations from me of reforming. so i took it up as a challenge to regain my mom's confidence, and started coming back home on time. i think you should also talk to your son, and tell him that the reason why you are telling him to be on time is because you care for him, a lot more than his girlfriend or his friends do!...i guess once he understands that he will surely give higher priority to his parents.
1 person likes this
@lifeis2good (1183)
• United States
31 Mar 08
Thanx so much for your input and your story!!! It sounds like your mom truly was only concerned about you and is probably why she was crying - and that struck you in the heart that when your parents wanted you home at a certain time - it wasn't to pull you away from your friends but because they truly knew it was best for you!! Nice to know that you took your mother's reaction so well and understood why she was sad!!!
1 person likes this
@Scorpio2111 (170)
•
17 Sep 07
I would have been absolutely fuming. First of all it is a massive worry and then once you know they are home and safe that worry turns to anger. They just don't seem to know what you are worried about do they? They know they are safe and that's all they can see. My son is 16 and is very good at coming home at a reasonable time but occasionally he slips and I am left high and dry not knowing where he is. His mobile phone is usually off or the battery is flat, then I get really angry with him. The other night he went to a local park with his mates for a game of football etc. It was 10 pm and I couldn't get him on his phone, he eventually answered it at 11 and said he was walking home with his mates. That time of night you don't know who is about do you? I was really cross but I didn't have a go at him I just asked him to let me know what was happening. I think in your case I would have grounded him because he knew full well what he was supposed to do and what time he was supposed to be home by. Does he understand what he did? Does he accept his punishment? I would probably ground him for a week, making sure that covered a weekend. It's hard to kbow what to do for the best because sometimes it can make things worse. Unfortunately kids won't understand the worry us parents go through until they are parents themselves.
@lifeis2good (1183)
• United States
17 Sep 07
You bet I was fuming - and think you are right - that he just doesn't seem to clue in that things like that totally worry parents sick!!! And yes I hear many excuses about why we can never reach him on the cell phone!!! I think he does now understand what he did - as for accepting the punishment - well I am not sure on that yet - he basically just stood there with a glare on his face - and said nothing - which only makes this matter so much worse to me!!!!
Still makes me feel like he doesn't care enough to feel like it was all wrong to do!!!!
@lifeis2good (1183)
• United States
17 Sep 07
You are so right - these parents most definitely should have known better!!! And I so agree that there will be no backing down on the punishment - you hit that nail on the head - you back down and sorry - it doesn't work the way it should!!! Guess that's why I am always the one who handles the punishments in this house - husband just caves right into them no matter what!!!!
Kinda funny though because when he does - our youngest will tell him - that's not what mom said!!!
@lifeis2good (1183)
• United States
12 Mar 08
Yes we did in fact set a curfew and he has actually followed it to the T. Probably because we would have not allowed him to attend anymore if he didn't!!!!
@Loen210 (1540)
• United States
12 Mar 08
What a naughty doggone boy! ;o) Yes, it does make you feel buff and cool and romantic if you stay out late with your partner when you're that age.
I hope he learned from this experience, you certainly did! Make sure restriction and rules are said before the event (and right before leaving as well). You should get his words for things too.
Since it's been half a year I see, how have things turned out? Improvements at the following dances? Did you chaperone like suggested? :o)
1 person likes this
@lifeis2good (1183)
• United States
12 Mar 08
Yes thank goodness there has been a major improvement - since I have chaperoned 2 times now - I think he has finally gotten it!!!! So things are going really well now!!! Guess they have to live and learn like the rest of us!!! But at least he has in fact learned his lesson on this one!!!!
@Loen210 (1540)
• United States
12 Mar 08
Woohoo!
Go you. I'm so proud of you. Hee hee. And you deserve a lot of credit too, as it takes a lot of discipline and patience to be able to volunteer for those roudy aged kids. ;o)
You can be a role model to other mom's or moms to be. :o)
1 person likes this
@xXxMikesWifeyxXx (3072)
• United States
6 Nov 07
my goodness! what kind of parent takes their child out to eat at 2:45 in the morning~~~.lol Not us i guess...
Oh man~ yes definalty ground him double or untill he can regain your trust back. id say no more dances for the rest of the school year..
1 person likes this
@lifeis2good (1183)
• United States
6 Nov 07
That is exactly what I thought - they must be crazy to have done what they did!!! Guess not all parents can agree that there are things that just are so not right for them to do especially concerning other parent's children!!!! Yeppers he's still grounded as we speak!!!!
@xXxMikesWifeyxXx (3072)
• United States
6 Nov 07
It actually helps me to read these and comment on problems like this. my little girl is only 2 but she will grow up somtime. and i can be prepared for ehat i would do when it happends..
all kids are diffrent, i guess if he accepts that is was wrong and he is truley sorry. then mabey be alittle lenient on him just not to much...
1 person likes this
@MsEddie86 (234)
• United States
16 Mar 08
i dont have a teenager but when i was teenager i remember doin things like that. iwould stay out late with my friends knowing i had a curfew. i wasnt doing anything i had no business doing but my mother would take my cell phone away and my car and i had no choice but to go strait home or to work after school and i wasnt allowed any fun activities as well, but i thnk u are handling the situation well because of course he is to old for spankings now.
1 person likes this
@lifeis2good (1183)
• United States
24 Mar 08
You are right - he is definitely too old to be spanked - especially since he's already 4 inches taller than I am now. And thank you so much for saying that I am handling this well - I thought it was best to show him that you can't do this to your parents and until you understand why you are being punished for what you did - then you don't get to have any fun!!!! It of course has worked out so well - he hasn't been in trouble since then!!!!
@acuityplague (763)
• United States
18 Sep 07
Grounding him is an excellent start, but I really can't offer any advice on how long the grounding should be.
I would have been beyond panic not knowing where my child was! I know I would panic because my daughter was late coming home like this once and I totally freaked out. I freaked out so bad that none of my three children have ever been late again without calling. I didn't even have to yell about it, they just saw how scared I was and decided that being late was a bad idea.
I grounded my daughter for a month over it anyway since a punishment was definetly deserved for not calling.
I don't think teenagers really "get it" concerning how much we care, and how much we worry when they are away from us.
I'm sure your son just had a desire for the evening to continue, and he made a bad decision. It's ironic that he got to spend time with the girlfriends family to show what a nice guy he is, yet you were home alone worrying the whole night! Kids can just be silly sometimes.
I'm sure he realizes how much grief he caused you, but it's hard for a 14 year old to admit mistakes. I'm willing to bet he never does this again no matter how much attitude he might be throwing out there right now. Attitude seems to be a way of "saving face" for teenagers, but underneath is a soft mushy little kid that just want's us to be proud of them.
I would add extra time to the grounding for the lying. Lying is a huge no-no! Adding extra time for the lie is letting him know that it is totally unaceptable to ever lie about anything. It will send the message to your other children as well. Two birds with one stone!
I think you should cut out his allowance completely and buy yourself something nice! lol That'll teach him:)
Wow, this comment has gotten long. I hope I haven't said anything that is in any way offensive. Please forgive me if I have, I don't come off well in text sometimes.
It's good to see you back on mylot, I haven't seen you for a while!
@lifeis2good (1183)
• United States
2 Oct 07
You are so right - that's one of the main issues that we have with him is the lying and yet he knows that when he does lie - I pretty much already know - you can tell with him - so it always makes matters worse - now if he could only get that!!!!!
Now I am just waiting to see the 1st Report Card that he brings home in a few weeks - those grades better be all passing - I say that because as a freshman in High School - he sure doesn't seem to have much homework yet and yes I have checked with all of his teachers to make sure!!!!
Hopefully after he gets off grounding - he will have really realized that what he did was so wrong on all ends!!!!
@babydolphin (536)
• Australia
18 Sep 07
Hi, you have the right to be angry.. sure as a concerned parents, you must have been worried about him as well.
I think the grounding punishment is good enough for now, but what really needs to be done is actually sit him down and communicate with him as an adult.. I mean he is 14 yo so that means he is old enough to behave responsibly.
Sure, he is a teenager, and as normal teenager goes, they want to have freedom, they have nasty attitude, they think parents are uncool and so on.. but you need to let him know that you will not tolerate this "childish" behaviour. If he wants to have freedom and be treated as young adults, then he needs to show that he does have a sense of responsibilities. He needs to call you first before going off with his girlfriend, and he needs to let you know what time he is coming home. Of course this doesnt mean I agree with him staying out late, but if he calls first, maybe you can make a compromise or something.. say maybe extend his curfew for that night .. and stuff like that.
I was also a rebellious teenager, but through my mom's love and understanding, and her constant support and talk, I manage to turn out an okay adult nowadays :)
@lifeis2good (1183)
• United States
18 Sep 07
Yes that was my biggest problem with this whole issue is that he didn't call me to let me know what was going on so I was sick with worry!!!! And you are so right - with the amount of freedom these teens at this age want to have - they need to realize that you have to be responsible enough in order to be trusted and know that you better call when anything in the plans is going to change!!! That's not only common courtesy but also a requirement to show me that you understand!!!!
@recycledgoth (9894)
•
18 Sep 07
My son is now 22 years old but I went through similar situations when he waas younger. I found the only way to get through to him was to ground him but I also sat him down and talked to him calmly and explained why he was grounded and why I was so angry and upset with him
@lifeis2good (1183)
• United States
18 Sep 07
I definitely agree with you - that you really have to remain calm when talking to them about serious issues like this - that way they will be able to grasp why you are so worried about them and that it's for their own good - cause if you are screaming at them then they can't hear you!!!
@nmhschic2004 (1238)
• United States
18 Sep 07
Oh i would be so angry too if a child of mine did that. I would say ground him for a month. He shouldnt be allowed to go anywhere except for school. And definitely no playing video games or anything like that. I would make sure he knows how serious it is what he did. If i ever did anything like that when i was 14 my parents would have grounded me til i was 18. And now its going to be hard for you and your husband to trust him when you allow him to do something else. And like someone else said her parents should have called and asked if it was okay. That was kind of inconsiderate on their part.
1 person likes this
@lifeis2good (1183)
• United States
18 Sep 07
Exactly - that is one of the main reasons that I still don't understand - it sure seems like I am running into parents of his girlfriends as well as some of his friends too where the parents act more like thier teenager's friend than a parent!!! And you can't do that - for several reasons - it shows your child that they can do what they want and you accept it, when you try to discipline them - they won't take it very seriously!!!
I have never agreed with those kinds of parents - that is truthfully not really being a parent but a friend!!! In this day - you have to remain the parent - no matter how bad you want to be your teenager's friend!!!!
@death42000 (11)
• United States
18 Sep 07
GEEZ hes 14 and being out tell 12 thats to late plus the girls parents should be more strict well the dad manly more i guess that her father don't really care about his daughter very much if i had a daughter i wouldn't let her out that late anyways i would be like one of thows dads that would watch there boyfriends every move because shes my little angel and i wouldn't want anything to happen to her so that girls dad is whack.
and yea grounding umm make it 1 month 2 the most he disobeyed you.
1 person likes this
@lifeis2good (1183)
• United States
18 Sep 07
You are so right - I am beginning to think her parents just aren't clued in and the dad - you bet if we had a daughter - my husband would be all over that like no way are you doing that or going out with him and especially not out that late!!!! So hopefully our son will clue himself in that hey - I guess it really wasn't a good idea to have taken another ride from the dance and not come home or even bother to call mom!!!!
@butterfly_1_4 (15)
• Canada
18 Sep 07
I would say ground him for at least two weeks and if he wants to go to something like that again you will be the one picking him up. Or you could do what my mom did to me the one and only time I ever pulled a stunt like that. She picked me up from school for the next week with slippers on her feet and curlers in her hair wearing a mumu. I never did it again.
1 person likes this
@lifeis2good (1183)
• United States
18 Sep 07
LOL - now that would be hilarious for me to do!!!! And you are so right - that would probably get him so bad that he would never do this again!!! I agree that the total embarassment of them will make them really realize how serious this matter is!!!!
