Advice for a friend with a broken heart

@cynddvs (2950)
United States
January 22, 2008 12:12pm CST
One of my childhood friends just recently found out that her boyfriend has been cheating on her. They have a 6 month old baby together and she loves him dearly. But she is having a really hard time deciding if she will ever be able to trust him again. Not only did he cheat on her but he has a drinking problem. And he cheated on her while he was drunk (not that that excuses what he did). My friend is trying to figure out what steps to take now and what she can tell him to do to gain her trust back. My advice for her was that she needed to take the baby and go stay with her mom and sister for a while. And I told her that he needed to either get into AA or some sort of counseling asap and stop drinking. Drinking for him has become a vicious cycle. He drinks because he's not happy with himself and he's not happy with himself because he drinks. It's a very sad situation. My friend wants to work on the relationship because she doesn't want her little boy to grow up without a father. But at the same time she doesn't want him to grow up around a drinking, cheating father. What kind of advice would you have for my friend? My heart is just breaking for her right now.
4 people like this
8 responses
@Darkwing (21588)
22 Jan 08
I think the advice you've given your friend is very sound. The boyfriend needs to do something about the drinking first, and then he needs counselling to stop him being unhappy with himself. It sounds to me as though, even though he probably loves his child, he might be a little jealous of the attention the child has stolen from him, as regards your friend? I'm not sure of the situation there, but this can sometimes be the case. He feels in need of sympathy and comfort and maybe, just maybe, you friend's time is a bit tied up with the little one. So, he went somewhere else for attention, but maybe he was not brave enough to do this without the aid of a drink. I know it sounds a bit confusing but this is quite a common thing, with first children. Anyway, I would stick with what you've advised and if he really cares about your friend and his child, he will do the right thing by them, and will be back. In the meantime, your friend has to be strong and stand by her word. Brightest Blessings.
@KarenO52 (2951)
• United States
22 Jan 08
That is so sad. I agree with you, that her boyfriend should get some help. He needs to straiten himself out before he should ever be trusted again, these types of problems only seem to get worse with time, and if your friend is too easy on him, he'll continue to do what makes him comfortable, which for now is to drink too much and do stupid things. I never used to like the idea of AA, but I've got some close friends that went through it, and it did help them. There are meetings all over the place, so if you don't like a certain group, you can easily find another one that may be more to your liking. The people who go those meetings usually try to help and support each other.
2 people like this
• United States
23 Jan 08
Cheating is the cheaters problem, but to me it shows how little they care for another persons emotions and fraility.The drinking is probably for feeling guilty .
• China
23 Jan 08
I think.It so sad for your friend.But why did your friend married with the dringking man.u can do nothing for the dringking man.but u can help your friend ,she is your childhood frind after all. The dringkingman must stand up by himself. the vicious cycle what u say can not be forgived.he must do something to help his family.he has some responsibility for his child.If he can't. It's a bad thing for your friend.
1 person likes this
@celiayun (11)
• China
23 Jan 08
the solution is simple,but the process is hard.she must know whom she cares more,the kids or her bf.If she choose kid,then talk to her boyfriend seriously after carefully thinking,try really hard to work problems out.If he is not willing to make effort,leave him,give kid a pleasant environment to grow.
@subha12 (18452)
• India
23 Jan 08
I think your advice is perfect in this acse. She should not continue staying now with her BF. she can stay with her mom and also she should try to do something for earning if not doing so already.hER bf SHOULD ALSO BE GIVEN TIME IF HE CABN CORRECT HIMSELF REALLY.
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Jan 08
She needs to make a stand and let him understand that as much as she loves him she can not tolerate this behavior. She is willing to help him but he has to take the first step himself and show her that he wants to change this about himself. It is hard to trust someone once they have cheated on you. The only thing that can bring trust back is time and through that time him showing that he can be trusted. It is a very hard situation and one that can tear a persons heart out.
• United States
23 Jan 08
First I would say, get the hubby into a progarm because obviously he needs help, and then I would advise some in depth therapy, both joint and individual..there is nothing to be ashamed of, and it works.They can get past it, if they still love one another, and eventually the trust will come back.After the pain and anger goes away and she starts the healing porcess...but it will come back.Hope I helped some :)