How would you react?

Rude - Do you let someone be rude to another in your discussion?
@SViswan (12071)
India
February 6, 2008 11:50pm CST
Ok, here I go. Imagine this scenario. You've started a new discussion and you are getting many responses...a few agreeing with what you say and a few disagreeing. But all of it in nice tones and that's all fine. You go clicking on the '+' for all of them irrespective of whether they agree with you or not. Then comes this response from a myLotter attacking another person who responded...and all this because their views differed. What would you do? Would you try to put the attacker in their place or leave for the two to sort it out themselves? It happened in one my discussions recently and I felt I had to step in because it was a discussion I started and no one has to be rude to someone who responded to my discussion with their viewpoint. I felt I needed to point out to the attacker that even if their views were different from each others, the person who responded had done so in a nice way and the attacker should refrain from doing it again. I expected an apology which didn't come. So, what would you do?
21 people like this
36 responses
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
7 Feb 08
I'd let it go. There's no need to keep the arguement going by asking for an apology. Some people are big enough to apologize and some are not. We have to accept people for their choice in doing or not doing so because there's no changing them. If there's a change to be made, they have to do it themselves FOR themselves or they won't be happy. Sad but true. However, in my opinion, it takes a bigger person to apologize than not to but we can't make a person do it. Besides, I wouldn't want an apology if it's not from the heart.
3 people like this
@AICIRT81 (847)
• United States
7 Feb 08
Good point and well said! I agree. If an appology in not heart felt, then its next to worthless. I just would engage in discussions with people who are not civil and can not respect others opinions.
@AICIRT81 (847)
• United States
7 Feb 08
would not engage.... I can not type for anything tonight. Sorry.
2 people like this
@riyasam (16571)
• India
7 Feb 08
yea,even i think the best thing would be to ignore
1 person likes this
@apsara60 (6611)
• Israel
7 Feb 08
Dear SV...Nice discussion and I can understand exactly how you are feeling. It is like some stranger getting into your house and starting to rule, while you stand aside helplessly. It is sad that some people cannot live in peace and they don't let others live in peace. What you did was was right SV.......but from some of my personal experiences, I would rather not interfere into other people's matter because if person can use hard words or insulting manner for one person then he can use it for another person too....and I am very much afraid of pain that we get from hurting words.....I don't forget soon.......such situation effects my daily routine and peaceful sleep in the night........so I would just ignore and carry on........as it is we have so many problems in life.....we come on mylot for some relaxation, so why to start another problem here too........this is my opinion now....but when I was your age I too had lot of JOSH......LOL
2 people like this
@SViswan (12071)
• India
7 Feb 08
lol...EXACTLY how I felt...about someone coming into my house and attacking a guest of mine. I think I wouldn't get peace if I hadn't atleast pointed it out. I wasn't rude and all I said is that the attacker is free to voice their opinion and please do it in a nice way without attacking another person for having a different opinion. I don't want to start a fight either. haha...so now it's come to the point of attacking my age hunh??lol
1 person likes this
@cupid74 (11394)
• Pakistan
7 Feb 08
Hi gals i believe that u should raise ur voice for ur right dont allow strangers to take over u this is not fair by this u r encouraging other to misuse ur kindness think about it its not to do with ages. i am sure its more distrubing if some one stranger interveine in u take care
1 person likes this
@cupid74 (11394)
• Pakistan
7 Feb 08
i hope u both are not thinking that i am internening toooo
2 people like this
@balasri (26549)
• India
7 Feb 08
A nice discussion about something which is happening almost everyone in Mylot.I have encountered this problem and refrained from that person quietly.You can see the uppish tone and it is of no use preaching or teaching and getting upset because as far as I know people never change with that big ego.
2 people like this
@SViswan (12071)
• India
8 Feb 08
Well, from experience I've learnt that if the attacking was directed at me, it's best to ignore. But this was done to someone who responded to my discussion. I had to tell them that they could voice their opinion without being rude to someone with a different opinion.
@balasri (26549)
• India
8 Feb 08
Right.No one can barge in ruthlessly and attack the opinion of our friends to our discussions.It is noe decent and it is crude.
@cupid74 (11394)
• Pakistan
7 Feb 08
Dear SV nice discussion and u put the scene in nice way i think the best way is to interveine and make it clear that if "anyone" as Differnce of Opinion then it should be discussed nicely and logically in a decent manner, and if still it wont work then u should be straight and tell him/her to leave the discussion and start its own to get feed back sure there are always differnce of opinion but it should be solved in a way to convince other not to hurt. Take care
@SViswan (12071)
• India
7 Feb 08
Exactly what I felt and exactly what I did...though I didn't have to ask him to leave the discussion. Everyone is free to voice their opinion...but do it in a nice way and do not attack another for their opinion (especially if they have done so in a nice way)
1 person likes this
@cupid74 (11394)
• Pakistan
7 Feb 08
Hi Sv see friends think alike well ask him/her to leave the discussion is 2nd phase when he/she despite of request persist to continue fight, so instead of lingering the argument, just request to please leave us alone Smiles can makes wonders, and the results can be really good take care
1 person likes this
@writersedge (22577)
• United States
7 Feb 08
I've found different ways to respond. One time I put the attacker in her place as you put it and another time, I personnally messaged the person. Why different responses? Because the way each was done was different and because of the ages. One was picking on a responder and the other was acting like defensive, under attack, but no attack was meant. The picking on was a teenager and the person who felt under attack (but I didn't feel there was provocation) was elderly. I also wrote to the person who the elderly person felt attacked by to explain that the opinions of others weren't my opinions. I don't expect apologies, people feel the way they feel. If they back off or choose to be more diplomatic in the future, then I'm happy. The teenager apologized and the elderly person explained what had set off the barrage of comments. The teen was actually picking on me and a responder. The elderly person the responder only and may have apologized to that person or may not have. The teen has learned to choose her words better and the other person doesn't respond if something angers in my post, but may start a similar post with a negative tone that people can buy into or not. It sounds like you handled it well. The person may be too embarrassed to apologize, too angry, or feel that there is nothing to apologize for. As long as the person doesn't cause problems in your discussions again, I would just let it go. Many people are just finding their way and testing the limits of Mylot. Once they find out the boundaries, they're fine. The stalkers and harassers are the ones I worry about. Someone who steps over the line once and doesn't do it again, I don't worry about too much. Anyone can break a boundary once. But the continual stalkers and harassers, those are the people I worry about. Take care
@SViswan (12071)
• India
8 Feb 08
In this case both of them chose not to comment. The attacker called the responder names...and the responder asked how her comment would make her whatever he called her. I didn't ask for an apology...just pointed out that we can voice our opinions (irrespective of if we agree or not) without being rude and attacking someone. But yes, now that you have put another situation, it makes sense. I've seen discussions where arguments have come about due to misinterpretations of what the other meant....or who the person was responding to. I've also seen a discussion where a responder took a general discussion too personally as if the discussion was directed towards her...while in truth it was about the general public. These are all random instances and can be pointed out to the responder...and things will be fine. But there are a few on myLot...who tend to taget discussions of a certain topic (abortion and having children being their hot favourites..lol)...and I see them repeatedly attacking others who have an opinion different from theirs. And there are a dangerous few out here who seem very innocent on the outside ...and it's difficult to spot them and many people fall into their traps.
@MsTickle (25051)
• Australia
7 Feb 08
I've seen this happen, fortunately, not very often and I think it's awful. Especially when the responder is left floundering with no backup. It's happened to me and someone did step in but to support the nasty one, not me. I've tried to diffuse situations like this when I happen upon them but mostly they happen in discussions I am not able to comment on. I know it's hard not to be judgemental sometimes but the bottom line is that we each have our own opinion and we should be respected for that reason alone. If you disagree with someone, move on. No-one has the right to attack or criticise another here. Positive ctiticism is fine but not the nasty "YOU'RE WRONG" situation I've seen so often. I think my reactions are what is causing my rating to decrease.
2 people like this
@SViswan (12071)
• India
7 Feb 08
This happened on a response to my discussion...and I felt I needed to point out that the attacker could have a different opinion without attacking another person. The funny thing is that my opinion was the same as that of the attacker and I didn't find anything wrong in the post of the person who responded....it just happened to be different to what I thought....nothing wrong in that...except that the person was attacked.
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (61039)
• United States
7 Feb 08
If the person attacking was on my friends list I would go back & follow their discussions/responses to see if they have done this before. If this were a one time thing, I might consider leaving them on my friends list, but if not, I'd take them off. I'd also report them. I know I was attacked once & reported the person to mylot. I don't know if it did any good, but because after they LOST the discussion on a point, they tried to keep it going and I quit responding, since they were the ones trying to keep a fight going.
2 people like this
@SViswan (12071)
• India
7 Feb 08
The person is on my friend list and I didn't go back to check....for previous responses. The same thing happened to me on another discussion...where I went back and forth with an attacker and then we were way off topic and I quit because I realized it wasn't worth the fight.
1 person likes this
@Aussies2007 (5339)
• Australia
7 Feb 08
The best policy in this world is not to react. And that applies in myLot. People who attack other people are usually angry people. In many cases they do it to provoke a reaction. It makes them feel good to upset someone. You will very rarely get an apology from an angry person. If he were to respond to your sermon... he probably would attack you. Best policy is to ignore them... and hopefully... they will go away.
@SViswan (12071)
• India
7 Feb 08
I appreciate what you say and understand. But I felt like a guest of mine was being insulted. I didn't ask for an apology. I only pointed out not to be rude to a person because they had a different opinion.
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Feb 08
I think what you did was very respectable. Sometimes I just rate them negative, sometimes I'll say something, and other times I'll say something and report their a**es. It just depends on how BAD it is again I guess. I think you did the right thing :)
2 people like this
@SViswan (12071)
• India
7 Feb 08
Thank you! I couldn't stand by and watch someone being rude to a person who attacked a person who responded to my discussion. But I didn't mark a -.
1 person likes this
@pyewacket (44031)
• United States
7 Feb 08
I have a fairly high tolerance level for people who have disagreeing viewpoints...I respect their opinions as I hope they would respect mine if I don't agree with theirs. It really depends though when someone comes along and starts attacking someone else, and by attacking by being downright vicious and abusive. If say the first "attack" is only fairly nasty I'll give the person a minus rating and make some kind of "diplomatic" response, but if the person doesn't let up and continually is vicious and obnoxious then I usually report them as abusive. I had one person who viciously and continually attacked me one time. He didn't let up...I differed in opinion about something which I thought was my right to do but I wasn't nasty about it..he was..I reported him and so did my friends who stood by me...let's just say he's no longer with MyLot...he attacked everyone whose opinion was different from his
2 people like this
@SViswan (12071)
• India
7 Feb 08
good to know that he isn't on myLot anymore. But there are a few others who I see are repeatedly attacking everyone with differing opinions. But this particular one I mentioned happened on a discussion I started and a person who responded was attacked. I didn't give a - but I did give a diplomatic comment to refrain from being nasty.
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Feb 08
When I see a response that isn't on topic and it is rude but wasn't addressed to me, I just give it a -. It is up to the person to respond or better still to report the person.I have friends who's star ratings are decreasing because some idiot is getting their discussions deleted and they are putting - on everything they have written and it all started because they thought the person was rude .
2 people like this
@SViswan (12071)
• India
7 Feb 08
I didn't give a - (though I wanted to). I thought I'd give them a chance. But I did point out that they didn't have to be rude to give an opinion different from that of the one who responded.
2 people like this
@drannhh (15235)
• United States
7 Feb 08
I would do the same as you except that at the end I would not expect an apology. If I got one I would be surprised. My experience in life is that the kind of people who go around attacking others don't do it because they are nice people, and I can only think of 3 reasons why anyone would apologize: 1) They are nice people, 2, They are afraid not to, 3) They live by some creed or moral principal that if they do something wrong they are "supposed to" apologize. If they were nice people, I assume they would not have gone on the attack in the first place, if they are afraid of me, the apology is not sincere, and if they are false to their own principles why should they be true to mine? My friends are more important to me than my myLot ratings, so I have stuck up for people here from time to time and gotten dinged for it, too. Oh, well. You deserved better!
2 people like this
@SViswan (12071)
• India
7 Feb 08
I didn't ask for one....but I thought they would give one. But you are right, if they were nice enough to give an apology, they wouldn't attack another person for giving their viewpoint. And since it was my discussion, I felt I had to tell them how I felt about being rude to someone for voicing their opinion. Imagine if a guest of mine was insulted in my own home! That's how I felt!
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Feb 08
Well isn't it against some myLot rule to "attack" someone's response? If it isn't it should be.You did the right thing, if it happened again,I would just ask them to refrain from commenting again if they can't respect the rest of the members on that thread.
2 people like this
@SViswan (12071)
• India
7 Feb 08
I think it is against the rules. But if reported to myLot, my whole discussion will be deleted instead of the person being given a warning..lol I actually asked them not to be rude but they were free to voice their opinion without attacking. Though I was very angry, I managed to post a decent comment.
1 person likes this
@aseretdd (13736)
• Philippines
7 Feb 08
Well, i was actually attacked twice because of my opinion by the same person... and those who started the discussion did not do anything to sort things out... well maybe because they don't really care... but it would have been nice if they mediated... so i definitely agree with what you did... I think that starting a discussion is not the end of it all... the one who created it should always be present to mediated in case there is are heated responses and comments...
@SViswan (12071)
• India
7 Feb 08
I know what you mean...even I was attacked once and the initiator of the discussion chose not to get involved. This was one of the reasons why I started this discussion. And when it happened to my discussion, I felt the need to step in. It was like someone was being rude to my guest at my home! That's how I felt!
1 person likes this
@raijin (10373)
• Philippines
7 Feb 08
That's one thing I wouldn't allow on my own post, people fighting over something that is way off what the discussion was supposed to be. I guess we have our own ways to deal with such, as me being a responsible mylottian wouldn't allow these to happen, not own my watch and not on my thread. I would give that attacker a fair chance to apologize since fighting or arguing on something that can be talked about easily is not fair, people should learn to give and forgive.. But if in case that attacker didn't even made a time to concede or apologize, then the best thing to do is explain to the other member that you're sorry for that to happen.
@SViswan (12071)
• India
7 Feb 08
Well, THEY didn't argue or fight...just another person was very rude and said mean things to a person who responded to my discussion. I agree that the person who responded had viewpoints different than that of our culture but she had pointed them out nicely...but the attacker chose to attack her on her viewpoint in the matter. I thought that was rather rude and no one has a right to do that....I would have generally ignored it...but since this was a discussion I started, I thought I had to tell the attacker that it wasn't right to be rude to the other person just because of their opinion.
1 person likes this
@RobinJ (2501)
• Canada
7 Feb 08
good luck on that one. you may be a bit blue in the face waiting, because if some one is rude enough to attack a person in your discussions they they sure are not going to apologise. I agree with you I would step in and take them to task, you didn't post your discussion for particular people only it was intended for every one and every one is entitled to their opinion weather I agree with it or not. If I disagree I can say so but there is never any room for personal attacks and that person should be reported.
@SViswan (12071)
• India
8 Feb 08
lol..oh yes...I'm still blue! I know I would have apologized if I did something wrong and someone pointed it out to me. This attacker posted their own response and then called another responder a name because they had a different opinion. Funny thing is that the attacker's opinion was the same as mine...but that doesn't give them the right to attack someone who has a different opinion. I disagree with so many things my friends say but that doesn't mean that we have to fight. The point of a discussion is to open up our minds with different viewpoints from different cultures and countries....and I've learnt so much here that I hadn't even thought of before.
@SViswan (12071)
• India
8 Feb 08
lol..oh yes...I'm still blue! I know I would have apologized if I did something wrong and someone pointed it out to me. This attacker posted their own response and then called another responder a name because they had a different opinion. Funny thing is that the attacker's opinion was the same as mine...but that doesn't give them the right to attack someone who has a different opinion. I disagree with so many things my friends say but that doesn't mean that we have to fight. The point of a discussion is to open up our minds with different viewpoints from different cultures and countries....and I've learnt so much here that I hadn't even thought of before.
@SViswan (12071)
• India
8 Feb 08
Oh yes..I'm blue! This attacker posted their response and then came back to attack someone with a different opinion. Funny thing is that the attacker had the same opinion on the issue as I did....and probably that's why they felt it was okay to call someone names! I've learnt so much on myLOt about different culteures and countries and viewpoints...things I hadn't really thought of earlier and that's only because of the different viewpoints I read about. How else can one open up their minds?
@James72 (26829)
• Australia
8 Feb 08
Well for me it would all come down to how strongly I felt personally in regards to the "attackers" comments. If I really wasn't too concerned with what they had to say I would let the two of them fight it out amongst themselves if they choose to. Some people are just born agitators! I had a post about Heath Ledger dieing for example and some member decided to make very negative comments rather than accept that this was a sad event. In this instance I chose to acknowledge they had a right to their own opinion and pretty much leave it at that! Sometimes you have to surrender in order to win! On the other hand; there are times too that I am in the mood for a fight and will go hard in return! This is rare though..... All up to you SViswan and your own personal beliefs and ideals.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12071)
• India
8 Feb 08
Having one's opinion is different from calling another names because their opinion is different from yours...and this happened on a discussion 'I' started! I couldn't stand by and watch someone who responded to MY discussion being attacked. So I pointed out (nicely) to refrain from name calling and that they were free to voice their opinion without attacking another. Even when I feel strongly, I control myself and do not fight. Funny, but I find it easier to hold my temper on myLot than in real life!
1 person likes this
@James72 (26829)
• Australia
8 Feb 08
Naaah... Not funny at all! In myLot we can just log off. In real life we have no choice but to face what comes!
@dpk262006 (56764)
• Delhi, India
8 Feb 08
SV, Interesting discussion! First of all replying in a rude manner is quite disturbing. If one is not in agreemet with the host of the discussion, he/she can come out with his/her views politely and decently. If I start a discussion and someone has responded, but before I could comment, a third person comes in between and post his/her views, I do not feel good about it. My point is if he/she (third person) feels like sharing his/her thoughts, he/she can do it separately- means - can answer the discussion afresh and in his reply he can express all kinds of thoughts negative or positive. I strongly feel if someone has responded to me, third UNKNOWN person should not come in between and post his comments (irrespective of the fact whether good or bad). Here, I would like to make an exception, those of us who are close friends here and understand each other's nature and point of view and if we post our sub-comments in between each others' discussions, that will do. (E.g. me posting a sub-comment between a discussion started by you and replied by either Mithra, Apsara, Mimpi or Cupid or vice versa. The idle situation is when conversation goes between the host and respondent. It becomes easier for both of them to come out with their views and opinion.
@SViswan (12071)
• India
8 Feb 08
Well, in this situation this particular person responded with their opinion and then they proceeded to call another responder names because their opinion was different. The funny part here is that the one who attacked had similar viewpoint to the topic as mine. But that doesn't give them the right to attack another with a different opinion...escpecially one who did it nicely.
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (56764)
• Delhi, India
9 Feb 08
I can well understand your point of view.
• United States
7 Feb 08
I think you already know my answer but here it is. If someone wants to attack another user in one of my discussions because of their opinion I just all over the attacker. If they want to fight so bad they can start a war somewhere else. How can anyone expect to have a meaningful discussion if everyone who comments is expected to agree with the opinion of everyone else? I am so amazed that this has not happened in my 3 taboo subject discussion. I am beginning to think myLot is becoming a better place. LOL
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Feb 08
JUMP...not JUST. Geez I must still be tired. lol
@SViswan (12071)
• India
8 Feb 08
Now why did I think that's exactly what you would do?? I think I know why it hasn't happened to your discussions...lol...these people are scared of you and don't want to take up an argument with someone who's strong enough to stand up for what they believe! There's no other reason I can think of...because I still see people doing it all the time.
@laurika (4536)
• United States
14 Feb 08
I would probably defend the person too. It happend to me before too, but I guess I was in a little bit different position, the person was very rude and didn't even understand what i was trying to say. But sometimes it is just like you put too much afford to defend someone and too much energy. I guess the most important is to stay cool and don't let those rude people take you away from mylot.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12071)
• India
14 Feb 08
Yes, I wasn't rude. I just pointed out that they can't be rude to another person for their opinion. Voice your opinion in a nice way without attacking another is what I said. But I almost got into a scuffle with someone else on another discussion.