am i to strict on my daughter

March 7, 2008 12:40am CST
hello ' everyone can someone please tell me what they think about my story i have a nine year old daughter and i dont let my daughter out the front door or back door she is not allowed to have freinds or people come over here and she is not allowed to go to freinds houses ' i will not even let her out the back yard unless i'am out there with her , i do not even let her talk to freinds on the phone , i only let her wear long knee length skirts only when we go out she is not allowed to wear a night gown it has to be long pj pants , i dont let her wear swimwear unless its a full peice set , it's only cause im really concerned about her as alot of the girls around her age are allowed to walk around the neighburhood with very skimpy clothing on and i want my daughter to have more pride in her self , and mostly cause i was raped and molested as a child ...... do any of you think i'am over reacting '? or am i right in what im doing .
19 people like this
47 responses
@aero89 (422)
• United States
7 Mar 08
You have good intentions, however I think you are being over-protective. By restricting your daughter so severely, she is likely to rebel - and VERY soon, might I add. Teenagers are tough enough to raise at it is. Not only that, but you are keeping her away from "normal" life circumstances and surroundings that she needs to learn from. This child will one day need to make her own decisions, and if she's never had the opportunity to do so, she won't know how to process her decisions. That could lead to flat-out poor choices. Talk to your daughter about what her rules are when you are not there. Find out about the parents of her friends. Know her friends. Trust that your daughter will take your values and use them until she proves otherwise; after all, you're her role model and she will always "hear" you when she's faced with decisions. It is also important to remember that you need to deal with the issues of your past, not your daughter. In a way, she is the one being "punished" for the horrible things that happened to you. Your fear is preventing her from enjoying things that all children are entitled to enjoy. You could also be spreading your fear to her - and how terrible a thought! Your daughter should feel safe and (moderately, considering her age) free. Wouldn't it be awful if she grew up having the same fears as you have? But for "no reason"?? I wish you and your family well, all the same. And by the way, I totally agree with your making her cover up to swim and whatnot - you're right!
• United States
9 Mar 08
Well said. I have seen kids who are overly protected become very rebellious later. Being a parent is a very difficult job and I can't imagine you doing it all by yourself at this young age. It is so hard to get the right balance. I can clearly understand your intentions in wanting to protect her, but unfortunatley this can backfire on you. As she gets older she may sneak out or lie about where she is going. Try to keep an open communication with her. Explain why you are so strict. When she wants to go somewhere and you feel uncomfortable about it, discuss it with her and see if you can come to a compromise. I would try and have her friends over to your house so that you get to know them too. Being a parent is never easy and God bless you for all the responsibility you have at your age.
@LRB1111 (356)
• United States
7 Mar 08
Hi. I understand your wanting to protect your daughter. I'm also sorry to hear about your circumstances as a young child. You want the best for your daughter but some of what you explained seemed a little harsh. I agree with setting restrictions on phone time and perhaps the way she dresses. Has ever given you a reason not to trust her? Is the relationship between the two of you a healthy one? Will she thank you in the future or will she feel that she missed out on her youth? Also, having friends her age might be very important to her. It might even be good to get to know the kind of people your daughter would be interested in having as friends because there will come a time when you will no longer be able to make those decisions for her. As children grow up, the grass may start to look greener on the other side, and sometimes (even as adults) we tend to want what we can't have (or the things we were denied as children). Being at a young and vulnerable age gives you good reason as a mother to worry but you don't want her feeling like there is something wrong with her or that she is a bad person who must be kept immune to the outside world for fear she will make the wrong decisions. An essential part of growing up is discovering who you are. It's hard to do that when a parent is trying to force you to be, think or turn out a certain way. Especially when the parent is trying to prevent invisable evils. Talk to her and see how she feels. Explain how you feel. Don't let her feel alienated from life. These are just my opinions and I know that you are raising her in the best way you can because you love her and would never want to see her hurt. You are a good mother either way. Good Luck to you.
7 Mar 08
i do allow my daughter to go to party's that her freinds have invited her to ' and my daughter does play netball .... but i must say one thing so nobody thinks that i'am a horrible mum , i was a very young mother i had my first child at 15 years old so being pregnant at fourteen was very horrible and girls do not know what there in for these days ? do you agree
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Mar 08
I understand your fear as a parent, but I believe you are being harsh on her... Seriously, once she is away from you, she could rebel BIG time. This happened with a good friend of mine (eerie because it's a very similar story) and once she was away from her parents she did a complete 360 because of the intoxicating freedom she had.. she went VERY bad. I would try to make a happy medium. There are cute jeans she could wear...let her have fun and be a kid, and you can still keep that vigilant eye on her.
2 people like this
@fec139 (810)
• United States
21 Mar 08
you are putting your past trauma on your daughter and instilling distrust and a very negative attitude. All your daughter is gaining is fear of the world, and if you don't ease up on her, she will run away and/or rebel so seriously that she will put herself in more danger. You need professional counseling to deal with your own issues, and immediately! You are just not allowing that girl to have fun. This is a recipe for disaster--- she is more likely to end up pregnant, in a gang, in jail, etc...
2 people like this
• United States
16 Mar 08
I don't blame you for wanting to be protective but I think she needs to have some friends around so she doesn't feel so lonely.How about only allowing friends to come over to your house.They could watch a good kids movie on a dvd and eat popcorn.I don't think there is anything wrong in having friends over and you are there to watch over them.I agree with you on not allowing her to go over to a friends house unless you can go with her otherwise your not there to watch over her.I wouldn't want my daughter to walk around the neighborhood with skimpy clothes on either.You are mostly right in being so protective of her but I think she should have a little freedom like talking on the phone to friends.I don't think that could hurt and to let her have friends over inside of the house under your watch.I can imagine that she might not be very happy by not having any freedom at all.If this was the case with my daughter and I,well there would be a bit of yelling back and forth.I don't think it would set well with her having no freedom.Your daughter needs to have something to do besides staying in the house,she needs to have some fun.You could take her and a friend to a movie and you could go also.I don't think its a good idea for her to always be by herself and lonely.You want to protect her but you would want her to be happy too.I'm not trying to offend you,just giving my opinion.I think that because of what happened to you that you are being a little over protective.I do commend you for being protective because you should be protective but not to the extent that she has no freedom at all.Well,I hope my comments helped and not hurt.
2 people like this
• United States
16 Mar 08
As a mother of a 3 girls (ages 9,7,3), I understand your concerns for your daughter's safety and her self worth, but you are overreacting to a point that when she gets older, you may just regret it. Being raped and molested as a child I know have had its toll on you in wanting to protect her, but I think you have taken it too far. Your daughter needs to have a social life which includes her having friends over and her visiting other friends. And I think she should be allowed to talk on the phone as long as you know who she is talking to. I agree with the knee length skirts, as some parents don't seem to care how their children are dressed. But I do not agree with the bathing suit. Their are lots of decent bikinis for children that are not too revealing. The pjs should be her call, she will be sleeping in them, and again, you can judge on what is appropriate for her age. There are so many ways to teach your daughter to have pride in herself. But I think you are scared because of what you went through. Maybe you should talk to her and let her know about your situation as a child and try to explain to her that you do not want that to happen to her. There is no right or wrong here, but I do feel you have gone a little overboard. lol
@ebsharer (5515)
• United States
7 Mar 08
I am going to be completely honest and I don't think your going to like it. Yes you are too strict! You are WAY over board! Not only are you paranoid and obsessive you are controlling and almost abusive! Your daughter is going to hate you as she gets older and sees what you are doing to her. Every child deserves friends! You are depriving her from a good childhood with great memories because you have an obsessive thought that some thing is going to happen to her. Yes things in this world are bad and yes things happen but if you live your life in a shelter what are you ever going to experience. What do you think is going to happen to her when she’s old enough to leave? She is going to be a MESS! She isn’t going to know how to deal with the society. She isn’t going to know what to do. How will she know how to make friends if she was never given the chance?! She will be lonely and depressed if she isn’t already. I can understand not letting her go to others houses. I know a few people that won’t let there kids go to others house. But why in the world if you are home couldn’t she have a friend at the house!?!? Not letting her wear a night gown in her own house is ridicules! Not letting her talk on the phone is almost understandable because of her age but what else can she do? I would hate to have her childhood – or what ever it is that you call it, because it’s not much of a child hood. I feel extremely sorry for her. She deserves a lot more then you are giving her. YOU need to see a therapist about your problem because that’s what this is ... A PROBLEM a BIG problem! Sorry if I offended you but you needed to hear it ALL of it.
1 person likes this
@jaredlp (418)
• United States
7 Mar 08
please do see a theropist, the issue at hand isnt uncommon and can be treated, but the damage your doing to your daughter could last a lifetime.
1 person likes this
@Darkwing (21583)
8 Mar 08
I think that maybe the trauma of what happened to you is making you over cautious in your daughter's upbringing. She is at a vulnerable age, but protecting her too much and keeping her from friends, is probably making her too dependent on you, and alienating her from any friends she might make. I think now, she should be learning to be a little bit more independent and free, as her other friends are. Maybe escort her to friends' homes, and tell the mothers that you like her to be within the boundaries of the house all the time, when you're not with her. Then start inviting her friends round, because you can keep an eye on them, to make sure they're safe, and sit in the garden whilst they play. I feel your daughter is missing out on all the lessons of growing up, having fun and making and keeping friends. There are ways of giving her a little bit more freedom, but at the same time, doing all you can to keep her safe. Your clothing policy is ok, as although they like to keep in fashion, sometimes the skimpy tops and skirts are a little bit too much. My granddaughter likes wearing track suit pants most of the time, which is ok too. She's ten, and her mum escorts her everywhere she goes, but she's allowed to play out the front of he house, or in the garden with her friends, and they visit each other's houses, for birthday parties, etc. Try to lighten up with her a little. I realise how hard it must be for you but your bad experience is not a burden your daughter should have to help you carry. She doesn't understand why you are being so protective, and she's missing out on everything a child likes to be doing, at nine years old. After all, she goes to school without you, doesn't she? Brightest Blessings, and good luck with this.
@lynnchua (3412)
• Singapore
7 Mar 08
I think you are a bit over reacting. I won't let my girl to go over to friends house but I do allow her friends to come over depending on what kind of friends. I won't allow her to go out to the front door unless I'm around too for her safety nut she can wear anything she like. I know you are concerned about her but I think you are a bit over doing it. Sorry about what happened to you when you are a child but over protecting won't do any good to her.
2 people like this
• United States
15 Mar 08
Well i i think you are over acting just a bit... not letting her wear skimpy clothes is wonderful no kid should wear clothes like that especially @9 years old. Not letitng her run the neighbor hood wonderful as well. but not letting her in the back yard. not letitng her have friends over.. thats like torture. You just dont wanna over di it and have your child hate you for it and then rebell aginst everything u say because she hates you.
@daeckardt (6237)
• United States
7 Mar 08
I think you may be overreacting a little bit, but based on what happened to you, I can understand. See if you can find a happy medium. If you prevent her from having a life, she will resent you and it could cause problems as she grows older. At nine years old, she should be give a LITTLE freedom, but there also has to be some limitations. There is nothing wrong with telling her what to wear, but she should be allowed to have friends and to talk to people. I don't see what it can hurt to talk to friends on the phone. Some might take your actions as being overly suppressive. It sounds to me like she does not have a life. This may not be the case, but that is the way I read it. If it was me, I would run away. But that is just me. Do you talk to her and see how she feels? Good luck with this.
2 people like this
• China
7 Mar 08
Oh,it is so terrible.This is unfair to you daughter.Because she has her own thinking and the interesting,she needs the room of herself,such as make friends,the methods of doing things and so on.You are doing something to her that will ruin the potential ability of her.As to you,first I feel very sorry to your ill-fated suffering.But you should let this bad thing go past and find the nice and happy things in your life.I believe you can change it.Good luck.
1 person likes this
7 Mar 08
thought i should add this ' my daughter does go to birthday parties that she has been invited to from freinds at school , and she plays netball , but i was fourteen and pregnant with my first child and had him at 15 years old , so thought that i should ask u do really belive that young girls these days actually know what they are getting them self's into ... so i do not want to be a granmother raising her child's baby ' all because she did not want to listen to me ..
1 person likes this
• Philippines
7 Mar 08
That's great that you allow your daughter to go to parties and play sports. I know that the youth today are much different than before, but, educating her and talking to her about the misfortunes that other people her age go through will help her become aware and not let herself go through the same thing.
1 person likes this
@MsEddie86 (234)
• United States
15 Mar 08
yes u are being a bit over protective, i mean shes nine it seems like you are not lettin her have a childhood. yes i understand u want to protect her but what happens when shes out on her own there is only going to be so much u can do then. as far as the night gown thing thats cool because jus in case someone does try to hurt her it will be harder because she has on long pants and it can give her time to get away cuz her legs would be free to move. the length oh skirts is okay too because shes 9 she doesnt need to wear anything revealing what she has and when she does get those body parts she will feel she wont have to show anything off. the swim wear thing is fine too at this age too but when she gets older she is goin to want a two piece and thats gonna be a huge conflict when she gets older so be prepared for that. validating her tellin her shes beautiful now at this age will help her have the pride when she gets older . what i mean by that is lettin her know shes beautiful regardless of any flaws she may have and lettin her know that will not have her tryin to go out and look for the compliments anywhere else.
@naseeha (1382)
• India
24 May 08
its ok to be strict but i feel that you are going overboard. In a few years time your kid would become a teenager and she would start to rebel. so a better thing for you to do is sit with her and explain your preferences to her. bring her to your side make her understand the importance of dressing properly and decently. Now if you do that she would agree with you and do as you want. but if you force her to do what you want she would start to resent you. Its amazing how children these days are so understanding and loving. You can make her understand your predicament and treat her as a friend. respect her wishes too. that would be a better approach. and one more thing is explain to her about others touching her or behaving with her. tell her what can be allowed and what should not be allowed. If you befriend her she would always share with you anything that disturbs her. In that way you can protect her better. I understand your love and protectiveness towards your kid.
@pumpkinjam (8419)
• United Kingdom
8 Mar 08
I can understand why you are being so strict with her and some of the things I would agree with eg. not allowing her to wear short skirts or go out by herself but it seems you don't let her do anything at all. I don't think that will do much for her confidence in the long term. She needs to make friends and learn to deal with situations herself. I was never allowed friends round or to visit them and it was not nice. I think not even letting her talk on the phone is overreacting. As for letting her out the door by herself, that depends because I will let my kids out in the back garden because it is completely enclosed and I can see them from the house but they aren't allowed out the front without me because it is open up to the road. I don't think children should be allowed to wander around the neighbourhood but I don't think it's fair on your daughter to never let her do anything at all. Even if you don't want her out of your sight, that shouldn't stop you letting her have friends round with you. Eventually, she may lose friends over it or not know what to do when she does go out into the world on her own. I know you just want to protect her but you might end up pushing her away and doing more damage than you prevent.
1 person likes this
@SViswan (12051)
• India
8 Mar 08
I think you are over reacting a bit...but I can see where that comes from. Since I've been in the same situation as you when Iwas younger, I can relate to it. But I have two boys...so I can't relate to the daughter part...but I can tell you that I wouldn't have stopped my daughter from having friends over or having her friends call her. But I would watch over my daughter at every step. I would also make sure that I was open with her and make sure she could come to me with problems. Skimpy clothes I wouldn't allow too...but I will also help her choose clothes that are hep but not skimpy. the more you protect her, the more your daughter is going to rebel when she is older and will not be under your control. So, the best thing would be to maintain a balance and keep an eye on her...and make sure the lines of communication are open.
1 person likes this
• Canada
24 Mar 08
What country are you in? By American standards, you are way too strict. Actually, by any standards I think you are way too strict. A lot of cultures would allow your kind of "protection" but culture or not, it's something I will never agree with. How is your daughter supposed to learn about the resl world, i she's not allowed to experience it? Would you "protect" a son the same way as you protect your daughter?
1 person likes this
@chertsy (3798)
• United States
8 Mar 08
I can agree on some of things you do with your daughter and some I don't. I think she should be allowed to have friends come over to play with her. Kids needs to be kids, keeping this from her will only cause her to not hate you, but not be happy with you. Growing up I didn't have any friends come to my house and I missed out on a lot. It really screwed me over as I got older with my own kids. Your daughter should be allowed to talk on the phone with her friends, that's another thing I missed out on. Going to a birthday party here and there, and playing a sport isn't enough for a child of her age. My daughter's are 6 and 11. When my daughter goes to a friends house, I take her either by car or I walk there. I talk to the parents to see how they are. So far my oldest only has one friend that she spends the night with. Her friend comes here, she hasn't spent the night yet because her dad has to meet my husband, which is hard with him in the military. Both my daugthers have those long pj's with feet. I like them because it keeps them warm. Those night gowns, honestly what are they keeping warm, you still have to wear socks. Your only over reacting a little bit, your doing a lot better than my aunt did. My cousins could only wear skirts that came down to the ankle, no jeans or shorts. I do the same with my girls with the knee length skirts. I also make them take a test, if you can bend over and I see undies, even at knee length, it's time to pass them down to there cousin. Blouses, if you can raise your hand and I can see a belly button, time to pass down. My girls school has strict dress codes, which isn't bad because it's my rules as well. Just lighten up on friends coming over and phone calls, I think your daughter will love you for it. Honestly, there won't be a lot of calls or friends coming over. Get to know her friends parents as well. I honestly don't like my kids having friends over because of the noise, but like I said above, I think it's because I didn't have that growing up. Parents today can't be to over protected, with everything that goes on in this world. Mine don't go outside without me, all it takes is a few minutes and your child may never be seen again. You can live in a good, the best, or a crappy neighborhood, doesn't matter.
1 person likes this
@IddiKlu (176)
• United States
8 Mar 08
Sounds like you are punishing her for what happened to you. Your paranoia should not crimp her ability to interact with the outside world. When she gets to be old enough, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she became one of the runaways. You have to allow her to make decisions for herself, and place some trust in her. Otherwise you are crippling her just the way you were (only from a different source). Is that really what you want?
@shaggin (71517)
• United States
8 Mar 08
What door do you let her go out then like to go to school? The side door? That is just confusing! If you know who is on the phone she should be allowed to talk to them if they are friends that you know etc. I can understand about not letting her go to friends houses because you are afraid something would happen if she isnt with you but as far as not letting friends come over that is way to strict. Having friends is an important part of growing up and you are restricting her to much for her to make healthy friendships.
1 person likes this