I am getting married! ! !

@jer31558 (3683)
United States
June 24, 2008 4:32pm CST
Truly I am not getting married as I have been happily married for over 14 years now. However I am interested in your opinion on this. Lets just suppose that I am a personal friend of yours, I am 19 years old, but I live at home with my mother as my parents are divorced. I have a decent enough job making nearly $14.00 an hour. I have just expressed to you my desire to marry my girlfriend who is in her first year of college studying to be a registered nurse. She lives with her parents as well. I have a dependable car and that and insurance is my only bills other than what I give my mother which is 150.00 a month. So theres my story, now then what advice would you give to me if we were friends. By the way this scenario is somewhat typical of the area in which I live.
10 people like this
26 responses
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
25 Jun 08
I would advise you to wait to get married until you save up several thousand dollars to get you started in life. Money troubles add stress to marriage and if you have money in the bank then you'll have fewer problems.
3 people like this
@Fishmomma (11369)
• United States
26 Jun 08
If I had waited would never have married, as money was tight the early years. Many people in the military wouldn't get married. I have been married a long time.
2 people like this
@jer31558 (3683)
• United States
5 Jul 08
I would much rather see someone wait to have children than to wait to get married. Unfortunately the two often go hand in hand and that often puts a lot of stress on new marriages. Both of you do offer great advice though.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (118198)
• United States
5 Jul 08
If people wait til they are financially established before marriage, they miss out on becoming a financial team together. If you wait until you can afford children, you probably will not ever have them, you will just keep on expanding your lifestyle. I know, this is only my opinion, but I have seen it happen.
• United States
25 Jun 08
I'd say to wait until your girlfriend is out of school until you get married. I'd also encourage you to get out of your mom's house and into an apartment or house of your own, so you can see what it is to budget and live on the money you make. You might make decent enough money, but most people really don't have any clue how to use it and how to budget until they're forced to do it. Since money is usually the biggest source of arguments in relationships, you'll learn how to manage the money you alone are making and the addition of your future wife's salary will be there to make things easier, in the future. You won't be fighting over whether you want or need that $90/month cable package, because you'll already know what you can and can't afford for having it. I'd also say congrats to your girlfriend for choosing such a great career and many good wishes to her and her success. More congrats on thinking seriously about a long term relationship, rather than a quick fling.
@jer31558 (3683)
• United States
5 Jul 08
very good advice and well thought out. I agree as well that it would be better to have an established home first than trying to buy everything at once.
@cjgrooms (4456)
• United States
24 Jun 08
I would sit you down and help you look at your financial situation because there is going to be a lot more money required to support an entire household. I would also tell you that 19 is to young to marry but it is your choice and if you feel that is the right one for you then, can i make the wedding cake? I would also advise the young lady not to quit school because an education is always helpful even if you plan to be a stay at home Mom later.
3 people like this
@jer31558 (3683)
• United States
5 Jul 08
Now I heard it said that you were never making a wedding cake again....but the advice does sound good.
@jillhill (37377)
• United States
24 Jun 08
My advice would be to go ahead and set the date for about 5 years from now when both of you are a little more mature....when she is done with school....and when you both are past the hormonal stage! Also...take that time to save up for a house etc so by the time you are married you are stable financially and better able to provide a good life for the woman you love.
3 people like this
@jer31558 (3683)
• United States
5 Jul 08
That is very sound advice. Sounds like you may have given out similar advice a few times.
1 person likes this
@Grandmaof2 (7602)
• Canada
24 Jun 08
The first thing I would do is let you know I would like to talk to you and the second thing I would do is arrange for the talk to be held away from any possible chance of intruption, as a phone or company coming by. I would let you know I am only there for your best intetest and nothing more. I would never demand or even strongly suggest that marriage was a bad idea. I would in fact touch on the fact that marriage is a very normal and wonderful approach to life however I would remind you that the few minutes spent saying I do is ideally supposed to be a life time commitment. I would talk about how this would affect your relationship with yourself, parents, and the possibility of children. I'd go over the pros and cons and try to incourage you in the path that I would think is in your best interest.
3 people like this
@jer31558 (3683)
• United States
5 Jul 08
That sounds like advice from a very loving person. Thank you.
1 person likes this
@kun2349 (23381)
• Singapore
25 Jun 08
i will tell u or rather advice u, that 19 is far too young for her to get married as i think she hasn't seen enough of the world yet and she has not got her freedom yet.. Though she may agree, but afer a few years, she might regret it as she will think that there's alot more things she wanna do.. Also, your earnings is enough for provide a average living for to her, it may not be enough..
@jer31558 (3683)
• United States
10 Jul 08
That sounds like very sound advice. I think that many marriages that start with younger people have trouble because they haven't had time to experience life on their own.
1 person likes this
@kun2349 (23381)
• Singapore
10 Jul 08
Yeah.. Think it over carefully and if the 2 of love really love each other, marriage can wait till the both of u are more stable and sure about your feelings ^_^
@GardenGerty (118198)
• United States
25 Jun 08
I would say to you that you will probably do what you choose regardless of what I have to say. You need to think of what it will take to help you girlfriend stay in school, as that is her future and part of yours as well. I know people who married that young, without having trouble. I would suggest to you that you look into what kind of housing you can get. Have you prepare a tentative grocery list, and look at other things that will play into what will be required to establish your own household. If you argue with people like that then you push them in the direction you do not want them to go.
@Fishmomma (11369)
• United States
26 Jun 08
Garden I completely agree that they will do what they want. I stayed in school and yes it wasn't easy, but if a couple wants to be together they can make it work. He has a job and she will have a great job when she finishes college.
2 people like this
@jer31558 (3683)
• United States
5 Jul 08
How right you both are... that is just how I was when I was younger and engaged to my first wife. If I would have listened though I may have avoided a lot of heartbreak at the time. Though good did come from it as I have a beautiful daughter and precious grandson.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Jun 08
I would wait to marry your girlfriend until she graduates from college. Otherwise, her school tuition will be your responsibility.
2 people like this
@jer31558 (3683)
• United States
5 Jul 08
Would that be a bad thing? I mean after all, she will be your wife and all bills will be both of your responsibilities.
1 person likes this
• United States
6 Jul 08
There will be enough responsibility as it is. Making 14 dollars an hour and paying the car, gas, the mortage, food, clothes, entertainment, insurance, unexpected pregnancy possibilities is a huge monkey on your back. If you want to add tuition, you will start to have maritial problems before you know it. She will be studying constantly. On top of that, at 19 years of age, you have a lot to learn about love, life and responsibility.
@ieeko89 (1054)
• Malaysia
25 Jun 08
In my opinion, I think 19 is too young. You have a bright future since you told us you have a good work and all. And i guess you should let your girlfriend finish her study first so that she don't have to pull many responsibility - as a student and wife, or maybe, as a mother. And i think you should earn more money before getting married. But however it is, I'll still congratulate you as you are getting married. Wohhoooo
2 people like this
@jer31558 (3683)
• United States
5 Jul 08
I think that there are some that may do well getting married at 19 but for the most part, I think that they should wait.
@Fishmomma (11369)
• United States
24 Jun 08
I almost fell over, as know your married. I would tell them congrats on their upcoming wedding. It sounds like they are better prepared than some young couples. Its not easy to get married at any age and stay married, as many of my friends struggle with bills, so waiting until you have lots of money may never happen. I know we didn't have a lot of money, but you make do with the money you have for your bills. My wedding was very small and we didn't have a honeymoon like some of my friends, but we have been together almost 30 years.
@jer31558 (3683)
• United States
5 Jul 08
Well, first let me say congratulations on a long marriage. That is something you do not see too often anymore. That definitely qualifies you to give advice. I do think that many young people enter into marriage with their eyes closed.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 Jun 08
I would say, Congratulations! And, speaking as a mom, I'd say, be careful! Everyone gets married when they feel it's right. If the time is right, then I'd say, go for it! But life and marriage is not a fairy tale, so go in with your eyes open. Getting married is the easy part. But then comes the living together part and adjusting to the other person and then come the kids and mortgages and such. Be sure you have the right education to support a family. A job may not last, but education will help you sail through life and be there for you after a job falls through. I'd say to the girlfriend, finish nursing school. There's a big demand for registered nurses all over. It pays really good and the work is steady, no matter what state you live in. You'll thank your lucky stars that you have a job that pays so well as RN, when you have kids and the bills start piling up! That's what I'd say! Good question.
2 people like this
@jer31558 (3683)
• United States
5 Jul 08
That sounds like excellent advice, thanks.
1 person likes this
@oliverdt (1959)
• Philippines
25 Jun 08
Hi jer31558, have a great day hope your happy today. Ofcourse my friend I will be happy with that kind of good news. My friend is getting married wow. After that we talk about it and I will tell you that we should celebrate and we will go to the nearest club or funhouse to celebrate. Then I will wait if you will ask me to be your best man lol. Then After your marrage I will blessed you with congratulations all over the place. Sound so good to be true my 19 year old friend.
1 person likes this
@jer31558 (3683)
• United States
10 Jul 08
Lol, of course you would be my best man. That does sound like a good scenario for a heart to heart talk though.
1 person likes this
@oliverdt (1959)
• Philippines
10 Jul 08
Hehehe lol, I love to hear that.... take care.
• United States
18 Jul 08
My advice would be this: Make sure she is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. That you truly love her unconditionally because marriage is an important step in life and shouldn't be taken lightly. If you are 100% sure this is what you want and feel then I would congratulate you.
1 person likes this
@jer31558 (3683)
• United States
21 Jul 08
You're right about that, people should make sure they want to spend the rest of their life with each other. I think that too often today, people look at it like some relationship in high school. If they get tired of it they just call it off or end it. I think that a marriage will only survive if both parties are willing to work at it.
@suspenseful (40312)
• Canada
5 Jul 08
I would say congratulations. I would then wait for the wedding invitation, because I doubt that my friend's girl friend would just want to run off to the justice of the peace, she would want a church wedding and an invitation, so the wedding might not take place until the next year. I would tell them to watch their money and rent an apartment or a duplex, rather than sink their money into even a used house. But I would tell them to get a financial adviser who will tell them how to budget. I would tell them not to sleep together until they get married, and he had better not take advantage of her and decide to do and find out that they break up. Since they probably know each other, I would find out if his job has any prospects of advancement since she might have to switch from full time studies to part time to continue her nursing.
@jer31558 (3683)
• United States
10 Jul 08
With such sound advice as that, I am sure that your name would be on the first invitation being sent out. the financial adviser would be a great idea as well.
5 Jul 08
yea yea....ofcourse...if the bonding has been gud..go marry her...
1 person likes this
@jer31558 (3683)
• United States
10 Jul 08
Thank you for responding and welcome to mylot. Hope you enjoy it here.
@snowy22315 (82473)
• United States
5 Jul 08
I would say let your girlfriend finish her education and get employment before you embark on soemhing as serious as marriage. I would wait until I was 21 or 22 at least. Wither the divorce rate being probably over 50 percent in this country you want to be sure you are with the right person. You become a different person as you get older. Wait for a while.
1 person likes this
@jer31558 (3683)
• United States
10 Jul 08
That is good advice. I also think that they would stand a much better chance of lasting as a marriage if they were to wait for the girl to finish school.
@marzac (17)
• Moldova
5 Jul 08
I don't think that there should be some "requirements" that would make you "eligible for marriage". The on;y thing that matter in a relationship and the formula of success is love+communication+ passion+patience. If you have these ingredients, you are ready for this step, if not, you have all your life ahead of you to start learning.
@jer31558 (3683)
• United States
10 Jul 08
Though I do agree those qualities are very important in a marriage, I also think that financial stability can either make or break a marriage. It is one of the most common causes for arguments in relationships today.
@carolbee (16231)
• United States
2 Jul 08
My first question would be to ask if you finished school. You mention the girlfriend is in nursing school. I would highly recommend you both finish school and then think about marriage. If it's meant to be, nothing will change in time. Being married is a lifetime commitment, as you probably know by now and takes alot of time and effort to make the commitment work.
1 person likes this
@jer31558 (3683)
• United States
10 Jul 08
You're right about that, marriage is a life long commitment and if they can't survive waiting for a while or being apart for a while, then there is a good chance that the marriage may not last in the first place.
@gabs8513 (48710)
• United Kingdom
26 Jun 08
I would advise you to wait a bit longer and save up and then that way you would have a good start in married Life
1 person likes this
@jer31558 (3683)
• United States
10 Jul 08
Yes, it would be best for them to save a little money to have a rather secure start in life as a couple. Any thing that they could do to give them a little advantage would be a big help.
@kenzie45230 (3560)
• United States
25 Jun 08
I would say, SLOW DOWN! You're too young to get married. Have you discovered what you want from life? From love? If you insisted that you were ready, I would suggest spending months getting to know if that was true. If you were a Christian, I would suggest premarital counseling with your pastor - lots of it. If not, I would suggest finding a secular counselor. I'd suggest making a list of everything that's important to you - the real "deal maker or breakers." And the things that don't matter at all. Then I'd suggest sharing your list with your future spouse. I'd ask how much money you had saved from thar $14 per hour while living at home. How you would support your spouse while she finished school. What were your plans for having children...or not having them. If you were in the US, I'd ask how you planned on paying for healthcare, if you had researched the costs of housing, utilities, phone, internet access, food. Would your $14 an hour really pay for all of these, plus let you have a savings account for future needs? I would ask if your were really prepared to spend the rest of your life with this person. (And if you mentioned that divorce was still an option if things "didn't work out", I'd explain the costs of divorce - in money, in emotional pain, etc.) If you had already done all of these things - the counseling, the saving money, the research for costs, the budgeting, the planning about having children or not, and if you said that your loved your future spouse enough to not only live together for the rest of your lives, but to die for her, then, and only then, would I be prepared to say, "Great! How blessed you both are!"
1 person likes this
@jer31558 (3683)
• United States
10 Jul 08
I think that one of my biggest concerns with this scenario would be with the schooling. Though a home could be provided on 14 dollars an hour, it would not be very easy and much would have to be gone without. If they could not make ends meet, that would put a lot of stress on the girl because she would need to get at least a part time job just for them to survive.