Ticking Me Off~~
By webeishere
@webeishere (36313)
United States
October 2, 2008 1:12pm CST
Okay most here know that I am my fathers caregiver. He recently had surgery to remove tumors from his bladder. They were non-cancerous which is great. There had not been any blood in his urine since the chtheter was removed Friday last week. Ojay now it is rant time. I am so friggin stressed right now due to dad and his ways/lies/etc etc. He is told daily not to feed the dog table scraps. He is told to get his treats and or milk bones and give Buster all that he wants to. Still, he constantly feeds him. Now his memory is bad but not that bad he can't recall this. Now the problem is him hiding things from me about jhis health etc. He was caught emptying his urinal twice today. Both times there was a little bit of blood. He never empties it,. NEVER. So this telles me since he is trying to hidwe the fact this is happening again and he lknows the outcopme possible he remembers things HE WANTS to remember. I am at wits end almost with dealing with this whole ordeal. I really need a day or two off. I think I may have someone out to tend to him and make him pay if I don't get away soon. I was so stressed out I cleaned and rearranged the living room today making dad go back to bed. This cleaning etc would have been done anyhow due to the new TV etc getting hooked up Sunday. But I also cleaned my office etc. And I hate cleaninjg. I told him that if this keeps up he will end up in a long term stay at the hospital or maybe even a home. I asked if that was what he wanted and he said no. I then said then let us know things are wrong with you right away. I get the smart azzed remark, WHATEVER!. Grrrr! Anyhow this is my rant. I needed to release some of this and decided to do it here. Maybe I can get busy with myLot and ignore dad for most the day. I just hope he doesnt pizz all over the chjair now. Hahaha! Thanks for the venting opportunity all.
Do you sdtress out so badly that nothing seems to calm you down?
HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!~
8 people like this
22 responses
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
3 Oct 08
Oh Grandpa Bob I am sorry but I had to laugh about the Dog and the Smart a$$ed answer you got
I know that answer to well lol
And it used to come from my Kids
Do you know when I am angry I rearrange the Furniture and clean like mad lol
I do hope he starts behaving as it must be very stress full for you I can well imagine it is like having a naghty Child about
And I am sorry for laughing but the way you wrote it I just could not help it
Hugs to you hope this makes you feel better
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
3 Oct 08
Thanks bunches friend.
HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!~
1 person likes this
@mayka123 (17083)
• India
3 Oct 08
You are really having a stressful time and need a break. Wish I was somewhere close by to give you a couple of hours break everyday. It seems that nobody in the family also is able to help you out. Try taking a walk everyday for sometime to give you a badly needed break.
2 people like this
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
3 Oct 08
Yes I have.
The past month was very hectic and stressful.
I do need a serious break.
Someday I'll get that break I'm sure.
HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!~
@mayka123 (17083)
• India
4 Oct 08
This is a letter from a parent to his children....the words are very touching and I wanted to share this with you...you are doing exactly what this father wanted his son do to for him.
The day you find that I have become very old, try to have some patience with me and try to understand
If I get dirty while eating, if I have some difficulty dressing, be patient. Remember the hours I spent teaching you when you were small
If I repeat the same things dozens of times, do not interrupt me, listen to me
When you were small you kept asking me to read the same things again and again and I did it happily
I taught you so many things...to eat well...to dress well...to behave well..how to confront the problems of life
If I sometimes loose memory or am not able to follow a conversation, give me the necessary time to recollect it, and if I do not get there do not become an arrogant person because the most important thing for me is to be with you and to be able to speak to you
If I refuse to eat, do not force me, I know when I am hungry and when I am not
When my poor legs do not allow me to move as before help me the same when as I helped you when you took your first steps
And when one day I shall say that I do not want to live anymore, that I want to die do not get angry because one day you will also understand
Try to understand that at a certain age we do not live...we simply survive
One day you will understand that inspite of my errors, all I wanted was the best for you
You do not have to feel sad, unfortunate, or incompetant in front of my old age and of my state
You have to stay by me and try to understand what I live for
Help me walk, help me to end my life with love and patience,
The only thing I need from you is a smile and lots of love
@rsa101 (40966)
• Philippines
3 Oct 08
I applaud you for being that dedicated to your dad. I guess having served him for quite a bit long already that you will soon be at your wits end at times. I guess your dad is just not used to having too much dependent on you and he feels that he is being a burden to you that is why he used to those things to avoid attention from you. But of course I know you love the person that is why you are ticked off by his behavior towards you. I think continue on doing what you are doing to him anyway parents cannot be replaced at all. It is for us and serve them with love and compassion.
@tyc415 (5706)
• United States
2 Oct 08
I can only imagine how stressful this must be for you. It would be different if he would let you know about things not right with his body and stop with his selective memory. While reading that I was thinking that you need a vacation. Wish you could get someone to help you out so you could get away for awhile and not have to worry about what is going on and if he is being taken care of. Rant anytime you want to.
2 people like this
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
2 Oct 08
Yes it is VERY stressful at times. But it is still worthwhile though I complain a lot. I don't care if he is ill etc. Just let me know is all I ask. I would feel so guilty if something serrioous happens because he didn't tell me something was wrong etc with him. If we hadn't spent all this cash this week on a new computer, TV, DVD, and home theatre I'd be heading to the casino to gamble. But I may go just to people watch and leave dad to fend for himself one afternoon/evening. Thanks also friend.
HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!~
1 person likes this
@dragon54u (31633)
• United States
3 Oct 08
Yes, I get stressed but my situation is different from yours, much better. My mom stays with me during hurricane season and having someone around all the time can get on my nerves. Last year she fell down and broke her pelvis and that was really stressful for both of us. She didn't get to return to her own home till the first of this year!
I can't imagine the stress of having a sick parent to tend every day. You love him and it's hard for you to feel angry, it probably makes you more miserable the angrier you get because it's your dad, for Pete's sake, the one who loved you and raised you and why in the world should you be angry. Right?
Take a couple days off, leave your dad with an expert caregiver and take a vacation. You need it and you deserve it!
2 people like this
@grammasnook (1871)
• United States
2 Oct 08
Hey Bob,
Has he been checked for dimensia? Being put under can cause short term memory loss for a bit. Or perhaps he is depressed? It is kind of degrading to alot of elders to have thier children take care of them telling them what they can and can not do by the children they raised. Maybe the surgery was more tramatic to him than you may have thought and he has been thrown into depression. Getting away a bit will help for you to collect all your thoughts and calm down When taking care of an elder we dont really think about how they feel about things we just go on and do what we think is right for them. I am not sure how old your dad is but maybe you should have him checked out on all the way around? Unofrtunately lots of his behavior has to do with getting older. I wish you the best of luck and go out and have some fun and relax.
2 people like this
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
2 Oct 08
I have been caring for him for 5 years at least now.
He has slight dementia is all.
He seems to have selective recall actually. Hahahaha!
It is definitely not depression.
Yeah dad can be a bit uncaring most the times when it comes to what I do for him.
Hel;l, I gave up a part time job.
And I miss the money.
He pays me what I was making back then.
But today I'd be making twqice that amoiunt and yet he still pays me the same.
Anyhow, thanks for your time and response.
It is greatly appreciated and needed as well.
I am feeling a bit better now as well.
Thanks again.
HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!~
@stephcjh (38473)
• United States
2 Oct 08
I stay stressed out daily. It is always something in this household. I used to take care of my step-dad and I sure know how frustrating it can be. I feel for you. You do need some time away but it is so hard to get away from them when you love them so much. It makes you want to scream and cry all at the same time, but still be there to help them.
1 person likes this
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
2 Oct 08
I do my best is all.
I can't do much if he doesn't help as well.
Things are calmer now stress wise.
Thanks bunches friend.
HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!~
@jillhill (37353)
• United States
2 Oct 08
Yes. I have had situations like this. Not with a parent but with other things that get me so upset I can feel my blood pressure going up and that is not a good time. So I think you would be smart to find someone to care for him and you take a break. When you come back you will both have a better outlook on things. It gets tough when they get older...I think sometimes the will to live has something to do with what you are talking about with your dad....He might not care and that is something else you'll have to face. Good luck Bob! Hope you are feeling a bit better right now!
1 person likes this
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
2 Oct 08
Since he moved in 5 plus years ago he has stated he is ready to go.
Well as his son and caregiver I am not ready to let him go if I can help it.
So this is what hurts the most.
Been busy here so this has calmed me down a LOT.
Thanks bunches.
I have been meaning to call you as well and keep forgetting.
Hahahaha!
Even mentioned to Deb that I should call ya.
Maybe I'll drive down there.
You have coffe at home? HAHAHAHA!
HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!~
@jillhill (37353)
• United States
2 Oct 08
Well I would love to have you come down but will be gone again this weekend. Otherwise you are sure welcome..I do have coffee at home! I make if for company! I know how you feel about losing your dad.....it's so hard. Unbelieveable hard!
1 person likes this
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
2 Oct 08
Oh wow, you do need a break..I can't remember before when you were stressing out with your father, did you say you had no one to help you? Not even a neighbor or your wife just so you can take a couple hours break? Venting online can be good, but you need to go for a walk or do something for yourself..Sometimes when I am stressed, I go for a walk to unwind and relax and if I am too stressed out, (usually I have help in the overstressing out, but we won't go there), I end up lying down in the bed and taking a short nap..
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
2 Oct 08
Yeah it's been building up slowly but surely.
I am good at dealing with stress but I am almost at the end of the rope today.
I am calming down slowly but surely right now though.
My wife works from 10 a.m. till 10 or 11 p.m. 6 days a week.
Never thought of asking the neighbors.
Most are old and wouldn't do it.
The others are young and wouldn't want to be around an old man.
I may contact his home health care aide.
This dad pays for himself out of his pocket though.
It may come to that though I feel.
Thanks, i needed some words today.
HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!~
1 person likes this
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
3 Oct 08
She has been a waitress at the same place for 26 years or more.
HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!~
1 person likes this
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
2 Oct 08
Have you asked the young people around you? Sometimes when we think someone wouldn't help, they will, you just have to ask..But if it takes your Father to pay for help, that is better than you getting so stressed out..I hope you are feeling better by now..I can't imagine not having my spouse around that long, what is it she does?
1 person likes this
@CanadaGal (4304)
• Canada
2 Oct 08
My father was a stubborn man like you dad seems to be. He was a capricorn, and I used to call him the "stubborn old goat". lol.
My father would have been 77 now (he passed away just over 10 months ago), and I assume your father is around the same age or older. And what I know about people those ages and up, is that they have very little patience for going to the hospital. To them, hospitals are places where people die. Nursing homes are of the same mindset to them.
I am not trying to rationalize your father's behaviour, because his keeping important medical changes like the blood in his urine is unnecessary. HOWEVER, your father's perception is likely either a) he doesn't want to go back into hospital, b/c that's for "sick" people (who are dying?), and he's not one of them, or b) he doesn't want to trouble you with a seemingly minor (to him) incident.
Kudos to you for continuing to care for your father. Mine had been in a nursing home for the final two years of his life, and I know how much of a pain he still was to me at that time! LOL! 
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
2 Oct 08
I've called dad many, many names.
Mostly under my breath though.
Dad is 84.
Dad has always been this way though.
Even as a child he would not tell mom he was sick etc.
Each time he is ill he ends up having surgery and or a trip to the ER.
He has accepted his age and says he is ready to die.
I just am not ready to let him due to him neglecting his health this way.
Therein lies the problem I feel.
He pays me to care for him and his food etc so I am the boss.
I would rather he be in a home to a point but I hate those places.
He won't go into one until I myself can no longer handle taking care of him.
Thanks bunches for all you said as wqell.
Greatly appreciated.
HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!~
Dad is 84.
Dad has always been this way though.
Even as a child he would not tell mom he was sick etc.
Each time he is ill he ends up having surgery and or a trip to the ER.
He has accepted his age and says he is ready to die.
I just am not ready to let him due to him neglecting his health this way.
Therein lies the problem I feel.
He pays me to care for him and his food etc so I am the boss.
I would rather he be in a home to a point but I hate those places.
He won't go into one until I myself can no longer handle taking care of him.
Thanks bunches for all you said as wqell.
Greatly appreciated.
HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!~1 person likes this
@nicholejade (2430)
• Canada
2 Oct 08
I know all too well how you feel. When my mom and dad had surgury only days apart from eachother I was going nuts trying to tend to them and do everything for them. I was ticked off that my brother wasn't helping me out. I will let you know it does get better. But you as well need that time to yourself. Is there someone that can come over and stay with him for a few hours? You know those few hours really do make the difference. Go out with your wife or just go out by yourself. Have a nice meal or something like that. I hope things get better for you. I'm wishing you all the best.
1 person likes this
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
2 Oct 08
I have just one older brother that is willing to help.
But he is in Michigan and dad won't travel anywhere at all.
He called me over Junior to take care of him.
All because he won't travel.
My daughter can't as she has 3 kids inclusing her newborn.
My son is just too lazy etc to help out.
So it's just me as my wife works 12 hour days most the time 6 days a week.
She does make breakfast etc for him.
That's a huge help really as well.
I am getting away for a whole day and real soon too.
Thanks bunches.
HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!~
@cjgrooms (4456)
• United States
3 Oct 08
Take the weekend and GO somewhere believe me a weekend now may save you a lot of extra misery later. If you wait until it gets really bad a weekend won't do you a bit of good, as far as you Dad trying to hid things from you i don't know WHY they do that , my Mom lives with us and she does the SAME thing! I find out whats going on and how long its been going on after she ends up in the hospitial, drives me nuts! Of course she swears she just doesn't want anybody to worry, i have tried to explain to her that i am suppose to worry and how in the name of all thats holy can i take care of her if she never tells me anything? Anyway good luck and i really do understand where your coming from.
1 person likes this
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
3 Oct 08
Not as easy as that.
Especially this weekend.
I've the new TV, DVD, and home theatre set up to get hooked up.
Next week I may take a whole day opff for ME.
Thanks friend.
HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!~
1 person likes this
@granmeme (162)
• United States
2 Oct 08
Bliss you if anyone deserves to vent it is a caregiver. I have been there and done that. Care giving has got to be one of the more stressful jobs a person can take on. I think we find out what we really are made of during these times.
You have got to have some time for yourself even if you have to hire someone to come in for awhile. I remember helping to take care of my Mother-In-Law. She slept in two hour cycles and I stayed exhausted. Thank God she had a brother that was marvelous and he helped me with her care. When I would get home I would go straight to bed and sleep.
After she passed away ever time I got still I would fall asleep. I do not think caring for my Father and my husband where that bad. Again bliss you and I admire your courage in taking on this job.
1 person likes this
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
3 Oct 08
Thank you so very much.
I would have never wanted this as a career.
I will get up North to the farm with the son-in-law soon I think.
He wants some tools and he loves the Pole Barn.
It's filled to the brim with tools and machinery.
Thanks again.
@fatmansmommy (751)
• United States
2 Oct 08
hey bob! it must be so difficult to care for an elderly parent. i hope that i never have to go through that, although i would do it without any question. it is great that you do care for him. i know you may say that is your responsibility, which i also agree with, but there are many people out there who would not take that on. my grandfather has dementia. luckily it is not too bad yet, but i don't know what will happen when it gets that way. my grandparents live in a condo, and luckily my grandmother is ok, but my mom has to go over there often to check on them. i also try to whenever i can. but i know there will be a time when they will have to come and live with someone- when he gets too bad that neither him nor my grandmother can care for him. i understand how you are feeling. i really don't know why he is hiding these things from you- he is most likely just afraid of what is happening to him. i hope that you get some time to de-stress. :) and just keep in mind that he is your father and you love eachother, and you are doing the right thing! :)
1 person likes this
@webeishere (36313)
• United States
2 Oct 08
Not a job I would wish on anyone at all either.
I am lucky that I can handle stress easily.
This ordeal would have sent others into a nervous breakdown I think.
He isn't afreaid really, he's been this way all his life with health issues.
It's just he wanted me to be responsible for him and his health ewtc.
So if this is the case he shouldn't be hiding things like this.
That's the hardest part of it all.
I feel guilty then when I have to call 9111 and he ends up in the ER.
Oh well, life goes on and my stress level is calmed a lot more now.
Hahahaha! I think it is anyhow.
Thank God for myLot etc.
HAPPY POSTINGS FROM GRANDPA BOB !!~
@flowerchilde (12529)
• United States
3 Oct 08
Like you did, when I get mad, I do some cleaning.. usually a job I've been putting off, or a big one I have coming up.. seems like I can get twice as much done in half the time when I'm angry
. I like to do this when I'm temped to say something that will only make matters worse.. when I want to bite my tongue as the saying goes.. This comes through experience of getting in trouble when I didn't hold my tongue. I'm glad you got to vent, you have an awful lot on your plate right now that's fer sure!
. I like to do this when I'm temped to say something that will only make matters worse.. when I want to bite my tongue as the saying goes.. This comes through experience of getting in trouble when I didn't hold my tongue. I'm glad you got to vent, you have an awful lot on your plate right now that's fer sure!1 person likes this
@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
3 Oct 08
Isn't being a caregiver fun. I had my own joys with my mother..NOT. She too was the type that kept things bottled in and never told not only me, but even her own doctors (including her psychiatrist) how she really felt emotionally or medically. I can't help thinking if she had, her tumor in her esophagus would have been caught earlier and may not even have been cancerous. The only sign there was that something was "wrong" was that she was doing a bulimic thing..I thought, oh, joy another mental problem...I tried to alert her docs, therapist, even social worker about it, but since my mother never signed a proxy I was ignored. I even wrote to the Executive Director of the clinic she was attending and all I got back were letters saying "Due to the Hipaa Privacy Laws we can not discuss your mother's clinical care with you. Thank you for sharing your concerns with us." Big friggin deal.
I too often thought of placing my mother in a home....oh, what lovely arguments came from that
I do count my blessings though that while my mother was a pain in the assets I didn't go through the same crap your Dad is giving you. Just different things though that were aggravating
@williamjisir (22819)
• China
4 Oct 08
Hello Grandpa Bob. It is so stressful with your dad's case bothering you so much. But you are a very nice and kind son of your dad. You have set a very good example to us all to be a good kid to our parents. Keep it up, Bob.
@tamarafireheart (15384)
•
3 Oct 08
Hi GRANDPA BOB,
I am so sorry about your dad giving you trouble again, they are worst the little boys when it comes to that because its harder when they are old, you will have to talk to your doctor about what he is doing and its not good for you to get all strsst out, you can't manage him all the time, you will get ill yourself so take care.
Tamara
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
3 Oct 08
Ahhhh Poor Grandpa Bob! I'm sorry you're having such a
tough time with your Dad! He tells you "whatever"! That's
too much! I think he's really scared to tell you the truth
because he really is afraid that he will have to go to
the hospital or to a nursing home if there is something
wrong with him. I think that's why he is hiding the fact
that there is blood in his urine. He knows that this is
not good and if he tells you then something bad might
happen and he might have to go away. I know it's alot
for you to handle and I feel bad for you, but I don't
think he means to do it to make you angry, I think he is
truly scared. I do think that you do need a break sometimes
and it would be good if you could get someone to come in
to take care of some of his needs once in awhile to take
the stress off of you. It is alot for one person to have
to deal with. You can't let this get to you Grandpa Bob
or you will end up making yourself sick! We can't have
that now! So try to take it easy please! Regards, Opal
1 person likes this
@lynnemg (4529)
• United States
3 Oct 08
First of all, I commend you for takog care of your father. It is a hard job that you have taken on. As stressful as your situation is, hang in there. I imagine that he is hiding his health problems from you because he fears what may be wrong with him. Maybe he just doesn't want you to worry.
You stated that he does have problems with his memory, but seems to remember what he wants to remember. Has your father been tested for alzheimer's. It sounds to me like he may displaying signs of it. I am not a doctor, but I do know that my Grandfather has Alzheimer's, and this is how his behavior began several years ago.
Please, do yourself, and your father a favor. Take a day off. You need it and it will help you clear your mind by allowing you to just be you if only for a day. Ask a trusted friend or family member to sit with your father. Get out of the house and go do something.
In the meatime, stop and breathe, literally. Take several slow, deep breaths. That should help you calm down a bit.
1 person likes this
