Something seems off with this
By vicki2876
@vicki2876 (5636)
Canada
January 20, 2009 8:36am CST
A friend of mine here in Canada has been talking online to this guy from the United States. They appear to have SO much in common and she really likes talking to him. His pictures are cute too. However she did tell me some things that are giving me a red flag. I want to throw it out to you all and see if you see what I am thinking.
He has 4 children. youngest is 2.
He still lives with his "ex" that have been on and off for 3 years but off for the last year. Bought her a Jeep a year ago.
Still needs to live together cause they can't afford to leave. Just got laid off. Asks about Canadian economy all the time. Doesn't ask for pictures of her but of the area. Very interested in coming to Canada to work and find new love but need help to do it. Never is available for chat on nights or weekends.
I told her that he is with the wife and is looking to find a way into Canada to get work here and then bring the family over. She thinks that since he is an American he wouldn't care about living in Canada and that he just really likes her.
What do you think?
5 people like this
26 responses
@ravend (659)
• Malta
20 Jan 09
Going to ask a couple of things. :)
a) how long have they been chatting? He might be putting up a scene, but a lie or big scene online can't be kept forever - usually after some months the truth will come out.
b) Is he older than her or not? If she is younger, than yes he might be using her as bait, knowing that perhaps she is not as experienced in life as he is.
c)So... is he really American? If he lives in America, there could be something fishy about him than, no?
These are of course, all coulds. :)
And uhm hi to everyone. :D
2 people like this
@vicki2876 (5636)
• Canada
20 Jan 09
Hi and welcome to Mylot. They have only been talking a short time and he is older than her. You bring up some good points to find out. Thanks
@ravend (659)
• Malta
20 Jan 09
Well, you did omit details about till what level their relationship has arrived - there is nothing to be afraid of if this relationship remains what it is - a chat relationship which remains on the internet. Keep in mind that when you are talking to someone online, you only get to know the tip of the iceberg about him, a representative section and that he will only show what he wants to be seen. Eventually, if this 'online-penpalship' drags out to longer periods of time, such as over years, the good and bad things of this person will come out, because EVERY person has good and bad things; unless he is a very good liar. And if a person seems too good to be real, than probably he is a liar, because an honest person would let out the bad things of him come out.
Besides, I think, and only think, that if he is after her to get into Canada, out of America or somewhere else, she probably is not his only prey.
2 people like this
@katrhina23 (1282)
• United States
20 Jan 09
Encourage her to stop chatting with him. He is not telling the truth. the fact that he isnt available to chat on weekends and at night, and the "ex" still lives with him, he isnt "single". He just needs your friend to transfer to canada. its obvious he wanted to transfer and work there because of the present economy here in the US. he might just use her for that reason. tell your friend to stop before its too late. Im afraid he might take his 4 kids with him when he goes to canada and for sure the family will ask her to stay with her if not assist them to relocate.
2 people like this
@vicki2876 (5636)
• Canada
21 Jan 09
Thanks katrhina23 gosh must be real bad down there for a man with 4 kids to do this
@cher913 (25782)
• Canada
20 Jan 09
i once had a relationship like that, he was honest and they lived to gether for the same reason, but i got fed up and moved on. i think this guy sounds hugely shady. plus, i have a friend that married an american and for the 2 years they have been married, they have lived together for about 6 months, neither government recognized the other.
2 people like this
@vicki2876 (5636)
• Canada
20 Jan 09
Wow that would be strange. I think it is right to move on. To weird a situation to get involved with. Call me when you are single. LOL I agree he does sound shady.
1 person likes this
@sacmom (14192)
• United States
21 Jan 09
I think you're right. And if he were to leave his wife, I don't think it would be for your friend. Only reason being is because he hasn't even asked to see what she looks like. It's all sounds a little fishy to me. But who knows, maybe we are wrong.
1 person likes this
LOL@vicki2876 (5636)
• Canada
21 Jan 09
Maybe but I think you are right. The picture thing really sis it for me. That is the first thing people seem to ask online, not how is the economy and housing costs there. LOL Thanks
1 person likes this
@youless (112123)
• Guangzhou, China
20 Jan 09
I am afraid that this may be the wrong man. He has four children and this is not a small number. That means to say that he has a great responsibilities to them. Meanwhile he still lives in his ex-wife. I wonder whether they had got divorced or not. But it's weird that they still live together. It seems nothing has changed. Perhaps one day they will love each other again? If I were your friend, I would find another man. There are still many good men in the world who have the some commons with you.
I love China
@vicki2876 (5636)
• Canada
20 Jan 09
Yes I think that 4 children who are all still very young and jobless getting looked after by a wife who isn't really with him. Hmm. There are more fish in the sea. Thanks youless
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (159227)
• Boise, Idaho
21 Jan 09
I agree. I think he is with his family in the evenings and weekends and probably calling her when they aren't around. It is sad. Hard to let her in on the reality of it. She probably wants this badly. I bet it will be hard.
1 person likes this
@vicki2876 (5636)
• Canada
21 Jan 09
Yes she is lonely and wants to be in a romantic relationship. Thanks
@celticeagle (159227)
• Boise, Idaho
21 Jan 09
chatting with her is what i meant.
1 person likes this
@checapricorn (16061)
• United States
20 Jan 09
[i]Hi vicki,
I agree with you about this..If the guy is still leaving with the ex and not available to chat with your friend at night or during weekend, most probably he is spending time to his family!
If I am in the situation, I will not be interested to continue talking to him!
Maybe he is really looking for someone to help him move there and find a career! I hope your friend will try to give importance of these details! [/i]
1 person likes this
@vicki2876 (5636)
• Canada
21 Jan 09
I am giving her this discussion to read so that she can see that even the information she has given me has given other people rad flags too. Thanks
@eyeh8f8 (44)
• United States
20 Jan 09
Hey, I see your concern for you friend there butI think it may be best to give her advice but not force it. Give the guy the benefit of the doubt because it may not be as bad as you think it is, or he may not be as bad asyou think it is. He chould surprise you.
I guess in this world there are a lot of screwed up things that we think shouldn't have happened. Some of these weird things can be good things, it is just we don't see them so easily. Maybe your thoughts are right and he is just playing her like that but maybe you are wrong and he actually cares for your friend a lot
If anything. set up a meting between the two. Even if it costs you. If you are concerned about it, then that would be the perfect way for you and her to learn more about him.
@vicki2876 (5636)
• Canada
20 Jan 09
I won't force her to do anything. I had to learn stuff myself and wouldn't listen to anyone. Though I may raise a brow at the odd stuff. Thanks
@Amberina (1541)
• United States
21 Jan 09
You know sometimes we see things clearer then someone else. You need to get a piece of paper and one column should have CONS on top and the other one should say PRO or plus and minus whatever you prefer, then write all the negative things in one column and the pluses in another and show her that there is more negative then plus. Tell her she needs to take off the rose colored "love" glasses and look at what he is doing, he is conning her and she will end up hurt and broke. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@vicki2876 (5636)
• Canada
21 Jan 09
That is some very good advice. I have done this myself with major life changes. It did help make things clear for me about what to do. Thanks!
@silverjam (969)
• United States
20 Jan 09
I guess your guess is as pretty good as mine.....lol! Well I hope your friend does understand all the details of the life this man is having; it's quite evident that he's not a free man to make another choice for a relationship or maraige as things are quite complicated in his part. If their friendship is just a platonic one then there's nothing wrong w/ it but if its beyong that then I guess your friend should think twice; as she might just be used as his "passport" in coming to Canada for his greener pasture.
1 person likes this
@vicki2876 (5636)
• Canada
21 Jan 09
If it was platonic intentions on my friends part then I would not care as much but she has interest in having a relationship. Thanks
@TessWhite (3146)
• United States
20 Jan 09
He isn't looking for real romance - he still has his wife for that. I'd guess you are right and he is scoping out a new area for his family to move to. She needs to give up on this guy, because he is using her.
Many years ago I started dating a guy who lived with his wife still "because of the children" but they supposedly wanted a divorce. Stupid me. One weekend he spent at my house after we'd been dating awhile, and his young daughter called me. Asking me to send daddy home because mommy missed him. I did as she asked and sent daddy packing, and never saw him again. Last I'd heard he and his wife were still together.
1 person likes this
@vicki2876 (5636)
• Canada
21 Jan 09
Bad enough they have problems but to bring someone else into it that can get hurt is unfair. Glad you were able to get rid of that situation.
@bamrahkirti (1821)
• India
21 Jan 09
I think there is something fishy going on in man's mind.Having four children,living with his ex-wife,estranged relations for 3 years and has youngest sibling 2 years old are all weird things.If this is just friendship on net and there is nothing more then it is fine but if your friend is looking for a serious relationship then she should be strongly advised to shrug her shoulders because the man is just using her mentally and brainwashing her.
1 person likes this
@ravend (659)
• Malta
21 Jan 09
Vicki I just recalled another thing - men like this one usually attack girls who are lonely and vulnerable besides them being younger. I am not saying it is her, this is just a probable hunch. How is she socially? Has she gone through some disappointment recently? Make her feel strong and solid socially,but whilst doing don't put this man into perspective (else she will think: my friends are putting me against him). If she is strong enough and has enough people who love her surrounding her, the chances of her falling prey to him, are minimised.
1 person likes this
@vicki2876 (5636)
• Canada
21 Jan 09
You nailed it. She has been feeling very lonely. She moved to a small community and is having difficulty making friends and is single. I am trying to make her feel good about her life as she did leave a bad situation. Trying to get her to activities that are good for her. Thanks
@palonghorn (5479)
• United States
21 Jan 09
Way too many red flags on that one! Sure he likes her.......for more information about living in Canada! I have never known anyone that still lived with the ex, when the divorce is final, it's over, and they move on. And most don't want their ex living with them! lol As for the other issue........it's pretty clear he's on the internet when his 'ex' is at work or gone, obviously she is home in the evening and on weekends. Tell your friend, if she is only looking for a friend, then fine, keep chatting with him. But, if she is thinking she there could be anything beyond that.....it won't be with him!
1 person likes this
@goldeneagle (6745)
• United States
20 Jan 09
My first impression here is that he is playing her. It seems to me that he is trying to cheat on his wife for one thing, but it also seems that he has some other motive in mind as well. I don't think he is truly interested in her at all. He is definitely bringing some baggage to the picture, but I don't think he wants to be with her at all...
1 person likes this
@vicki2876 (5636)
• Canada
20 Jan 09
It is fairly new but yes something is wrong with this picture even if it is far too much baggage.
@liquorice (3887)
•
20 Jan 09
Yes, your friend is in a tough situation. Like others have said, when you 'meet' someone on the internet you can never really know them or much about them for sure. I know a couple of people who met their partners online and are now happily married, but I think that they are the lucky ones, and they didn't have a whole load of baggage attached to them.
You say that he has given her photos, but even with photos you don't know that they are genuine. And it's strange that he doesn't seem very interested in her. If he wanted a relationship with her then he would want to know everything, wouldn't he? And it's odd that he can't chat to her nights or weekends - maybe that's when his wife is around? There are just too many things which don't add up, and if it were me, I would want to get all those things straight before this relationship developed into anything more than an internet friendship. Although I think I'd be too suspicious to even be able to carry on the friendship!
1 person likes this
@vicki2876 (5636)
• Canada
21 Jan 09
I am like you too and have my suspicious enough that why bother with the friendship at all. Thanks
@cshopb (3)
•
21 Jan 09
The words from Black Adder came to my mind: "Run to the hills!" "But they are coming from the hills, sir." "Run away from the hills, if you see hills run in the other direction!". I don't think he is out to hurt her in fisical way but he seams to want to use her, either to cheat his "ex" wife or to move to Canada! I would also recommend caution.
1 person likes this
@modstar (9605)
• Philippines
21 Jan 09
It's weird that the guy didn't ask for her picture when if someone is really interested romantically with someone, i think a picture is a must. Lot of pictures actually. I think there's really something fishy about it. Though his unavailability during night time and weekends must have valid reasons because that's also the time where people spend time for themselves, weekends especially. Maybe he is testing the waters in Canada.
@conbill (369)
• United States
20 Jan 09
I agree with you. He still lives with his EX, who is probably still very much his wife. Theyv'e been off and on for three years but right now they're off. He needs help to come to Canada. I think he is trying to use her to bring him to Canada. If I was your friend, I would run the other way. There are just too many red flags surrounding this man.
@vicki2876 (5636)
• Canada
20 Jan 09
Hi conbill ;) I agree with you. The ex is still a wife in my books. They can't talk in the evening and weekends cause he is so busy. Yeah with his wife. LOL Thanks for your input.
