Someone else scolding your child

@bamakelly (5193)
United States
June 12, 2009 9:18am CST
How would you feel about someone else disciplining your child without your approval? Have you ever been in a position where someone else took over the reigns for you an you weren't happy about it. I might not be able to handle everything as I would like to when it comes to my son and being unruly however I would rather deal with it myself. So I am basically asking how you would feel about a friend or relative stepping in. Do you feel that it crossing the line?
8 people like this
34 responses
• United States
12 Jun 09
I would be very very angry. I would feel like killing them since they are my children and they should not scold them and even if they did they should inform me.
2 people like this
@sid556 (30987)
• United States
13 Jun 09
now that is a little bit harsh don't ya think?
• United States
12 Jun 09
I am not into this at all. I have a neighbor whom does this and I do not like it all. To be honest she has no kids and I feel she has no real right to say anything to my kids. I have comforted her more than once in a nice way to not talk like that to my girls but she still does it. This is what I do when she starts to say something than I over talk her and say that my child should listen to me, I am her mother and that is the way it should be. Now here is where I can understand when someone would do it if my child is hurting something of someone elses or needs to be told no than I agree. But in just general displine I so it is really a no no. Take care bamakelly and happy mylotting to you as well.
1 person likes this
@bamakelly (5193)
• United States
15 Jun 09
I can understand your opinion. Having a neighbor that does this does not sound good at all. When someone does not have children it is especially a circumstance where they should watch what they say. In some cases as you say you would understand if someone was getting hurt. But those are extenuating situations. You have a good reply here and I appreciate it.
@doggyhouz (548)
• United States
13 Jun 09
They should never scold your child. I think if there was a problem the adult should address it to the parent. Both adults can settle things as long as we open are eyes and ears. The individual step over the line. I hope you and your child feels better. Best of wishes.
@sid556 (30987)
• United States
13 Jun 09
If we are at a gathering and one of my kids did something they shouldn't and another adult saw it, I would expect they would say something. I would. Also if I left my kids with someone then it would be someone that I trust would discipline my kids as I would. If, however, I am right there trying to deal with a situation and someone steps in....now that is crossing the line, I think. It really does depend on who the person is and the situation. I know that sometimes if a child isn't listening to a parent and an outsider steps in and says something, it can snap them around. Saying something to the child and actually disciplining are 2 different things.
1 person likes this
@reckon21 (3484)
• Philippines
13 Jun 09
I had a sister who had a 4 years old son. This particular son of her's is very hyper child. My mother would spank my nephew in the buttocks if he gets uncontrollable. My sister is not angry at all.
@yxinxin (467)
• China
12 Jun 09
It depends. I will ask my child what happened and I'll judge whose fault it is. And I'll see if the person is reasonable. When it is my kid's fault, I'll tell my kid to be carefull next time. If otherwise, forget it.
1 person likes this
• United States
12 Jun 09
I would not have a problem with my friends and relatives getting onto my kids. My friends and relatives know that I expect my child to behave in a certain manner and my friends and family know how I want my children to behave. If I miss a behavior that needs disciplne then my family and friends had better get on to my kids or I would be mad at them. The same goes if I see their kids doing something that they should not be doing then I stop them and if it needs a time out or a swat (we DO spank if needed) then I will do it. On the same note, when I take a kid to a friend's house it is their rules that go. They may not mind the kids doing something that is not ok at my house but it is their house and as long as it is not dangerous then it is ok. But when they bring kids to my house it is my rules that are abided by, and I will get on to any child or adult that is out of line. This may sound a little rough but I only take the kids in my life around people I trust, so I have no reason to be upset if they see a reason to get on to my kids.
1 person likes this
@wahmivy (778)
• Philippines
12 Jun 09
I won't be okay with it. For starters, I practice gentle or positive discipline. Any other form of guidance or correction would just confuse my child. If my child was acting out and I wasn't aware of it, I would rather they call my attention so I could deal with it.
• United States
12 Jun 09
If I have given them permission prior to the incident I don't mind. However, in front of me is entirely another matter. If they are in the care of someone else, I expect them to obey the rules set for them (and I expect caretaker to inform myself and them of said rules). I also expect to know the consequences for rule breaking ahead of time. I am harder on my kids than I guess most people would be. I expect respect and I get it. I don't allow them to back talk to other people in my presence and if they hit someone else's kid..I expect that kids' parent to want to yell at my kid, and I let them. However, I do not allow anyone to physically punish my child ever. I would go ballistic if I found that out. As for relatives...I wouldn't sweat it. No permanent damage was done, and its only right that in front of other people your child comport himself to the manners and behaviors of the party he is with. (If extra good manners are required he should be educated about that etc first though). You don't say what the child did that seemed to be set this in motion?
1 person likes this
@dragon54u (31628)
• United States
12 Jun 09
If it's a friend or relative, that's fine. Friends and relatives are extended family and should be involved in my children's lives and they were when my sons were growing up. Well, mostly friends because my ex made sure no family was close enough to interact often with them. It gave my sons a sense that they were not alone, that everyone in our circle loved them and cared about them. I don't know what I'd do if a stranger did it. It never happened.
1 person likes this
@ghazwan (32)
• Australia
12 Jun 09
for disciplining my children only thier grandparents and uncles (not thier wifes) are having the authority. but others are not allowed, specially other relatives if i exist or not, but in return i learned my kids not to misbehave with others, because if i let any person to disciplining them then my kid will have very serious problems in dealing with others.
@jessi0887 (2792)
• United States
12 Jun 09
I only allow my sons grandparents to discipline him. So its either me, my fiance or granparents. I have told everyone else no unless otherwise instructed. Like when he bit my sister I told her to give him a spank on the butt. I feel its okay this way because if I am the only one punishing him then he will think he can get away with stuff around other people but just not around me.
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Jun 09
Kelly- I feel two ways about this one. If I am not there, I have no issues with someone stepping in and telling my children how to behave, if they are out of line. It's sort of how we grew up. If you were messing around in the neighborhood and you got caught by a neighbor, they'd tell you what for and send you on your way. It was almost expected by our parents. However, if I am in the room I dislike anyone else taking care of my child. I feel if I witness it, I can take care of it. We used to have a family member do this with our son all of the time until I finally said "ENOUGH". I do feel that it's crossing the line to discipline another child whose parent is right there. Namaste-Anora
@idowrite72 (2214)
• United States
28 Jun 09
It depends on the situation. In my family we shared the duties of discipline if we were together. It would be difficult for you to handle something if you weren't there to see what happened and better for the adult who was there to handle it, since an immediate "handling" is best so the child knows what they are being disciplined for. The parent always had the last word, but it was never unusual for one of us to give a niece or nephew a swat on their bottom or tell them to sit in time out, if they were deserving if we were out together somewhere, or even if my sisters were at my house for something. Most of the time it was NOT a problem for me. I DO remember that my mother was often not fair with the discipline between one of my nieces and the other grandchildren, but other than that, it was not unusual for my sisters, brother and I to discipline each others' children. The same is being done now with the grandchildren.
@magrylouyu (1629)
• United States
19 Jun 09
I dont usually mind if somebody says something to my child. It's when people cross the line. When they go as far as hitting my child or disciplining them in a way I do not approve of I get angry. When my youngest was 11 months old I had her in a baby walker and I asked my husbands, cousins girlfriend to keep a quick eye on her while I ran down stairs to get some laundry going. I told her that I dont like her playing with the hole in the way for the central vaccum. If she touched it tap her hand lightly and tell her "no". I was all the way downstairs and I heard a loud "smack"! I quickly ran upstairs to find out what was going on and my little girls hand was as red as a lobster!!! I asked her very rudely "WHY did you hit MY daughter that hard? She is just a baby!" Her response was "She was playing with the central vaccum" So, needless to say I wanted her no where near my daughter. My husband and his cousin made it so she was never alone with my daughter and that she had no right to even say anything for punishment to any of my children. I am now extreamly picky on who watches my children. Even if I am home and I leave the room. When my children were younger it got to the point it didnt matter if I had to stay up until 3am doing laundry if that's what it took to keep my children safe. So, yes I would have to say I do feel that alot of times people tend to cross the lines too often. I dont mind certain people watching my children as long as they go by the guidlines I nicely ask to follow.
@candymarie (1368)
• Canada
16 Jun 09
I have not experienced THAT yet, with my own kids (which I don't have) BUT, when I was a nanny, and my friend was in town visiting, the kids wanted to meet him (because since he was my friend, that made him automatically cool lol). And he kind of scolded the kids before I could on some occasions. It did kind of irk me, but I let it go, since he is also assigned the task to watch the kids at any family events and such, so he's used to saying things like that. But then it made me think, do I MYSELF do this too??? I certainly hope that I've learned to bite my tongue when things like that happens. BUT, I will have to tell THIS story: I was out with the kids and their parents, to one of those fast food restaurants with the play area, and there was of course other families as well. There was this one little girl that was ABSOLUTELY HORRID! One, she had a mullet! Two, she was the bossy quick kind, the kind that would be rude, then run off before you could say anything in return. My cousin Josh, poor thing, this girl made him so upset, because he did NOT meet a person such as this yet, and it confused him as to why someone would act like this. You could SEE the wheels turning in his head. He has A.D.D. as well, but he learned to sit down and think before acting early on in his age (THANK YOU GODS EVERYWHERE). Well apparently this little girl was sitting at the top of the slide and hitting everyone on the head before they could slide down with a VERY hard toy. Well I was sitting beside Josh' mother, and we were both fuming and staring daggers at the mother/aunt/grandma of the child, who wasn't doing anything at all, just smiling away, in her own little world. What was worse, is that the mean girl had a sister, and she was a LOT better, saying please and thank you, sharing her toys, asking the others is they want to play, etc...just hard to believe these 2 were sisters. And the other sister was younger! Well when it was time to leave, we were gathering our things, and the mean girl was running back and forth and winding through the tables, clearly getting in our way. I said, "Pardon me please." When she was in my way, she kind of gave me a bratty smile, but I let it go. But THEN she bumped into Luka, the youngest of our little group, pushed him out of the way, laughed and went charging off. Luka and Joshs' mother didn't notice this, but that made me stop and say something, "Excuse me??? You need to be more polite, or you will lose friends." In my strict nanny voice. Well she didn't like hearing that, did a little disgusting looking pout (it just looked disgusting to me, because I HATE children like that) did a sooky like whine and ran off. I didn't even bother looking at the adult they were with. I probably did cross the line, but it's a big difference when the adult doesn't attempt to scold the child in any way, also SMILING the whole time, not paying attention, taking them to a fast food restaurant that all kids love, when clearly the oldest little girl didn't deserve it. I know it's hard to let one child do something when the other one can't, but then again, I've always put up with the complaining and the whining whenever that happened, but I made the child understand that all of that never made a difference with me before, so why would it then? That usually got them to stop and re-evaluate their behavior.
@mflower2053 (3227)
• United States
15 Jun 09
My oldest daughter started a new gymnastics class. I'm not to crazy about the coach. My daughter who is only 3 thought it was her turn so she stepped off the block b/c the other girl was finished and did her flip over it. The girl told her to get back on the block and then started fussing at her. The way she did it and said it I didn't like it but I let it go this time. If she does it again i will report her and I am thinking about mentioning it to her boss when we go back this week for class. There is also a little girl who walked up and slapped my younger daughter in her head. She has to be 2 which is the same age as my little one well her mother wasn't paying attention to her. I didn't say anything but if she does it again I will talk to the mother. She has 3 kids and 1 on the way she better get control of the ones that are here now before the next one comes.
• United States
14 Jun 09
I don't like it at all becasue it has happend to me. My family would allways try to tell me what to do with mi kid that was with the oldest. And my mom would actually tell my daughter not to listen to me that I was crazy because I would try to make her understand that she had to help around the house and that I was not going to clean after her all the time. So my mom keept telling her things like "you don't have to do anything she has too", "don't listen to her she is crazy" and other things. Until one day my daughter told me that I did not have a right to tell her what to do that only her grandma had that right. I got so mad that I told my mom to never interfier with my daughter and me and that she had no right to tell all those things to her. My mom cried but later I talked to her in a calm way to make her understand that she was making everythig bad with my daughter and me and that she was not going to be with us all the time and that it was going to be hard for me to raice her when she is think that I have no right over her.
@miamilady (4923)
• United States
14 Jun 09
OH yeah, been there done that! lol How old is he? That happened to me a few times with my children. Mostly it was their grandparents stepping in. Either one of my parents or my MIL. Most of the time I wasn't thrilled about the situation. A time or two I was actually grateful. Each of my sisters may have stepped in a time or two also. I guess how I felt about it depended on the situation. There were times when it came across as if they thought I was incompetent. When that happened, of course I didn't appreciate it. There were other times when I was either out of ideas or out of patience and those were the times when I appreciated it. Boy, raising kids is rough sometimes isn't it? And then dealing with the interaction of extended family and friends and even sometimes with strangers, it just adds to the challenge! So...who crossed the line with you?
@jayrene (2712)
• Philippines
14 Jun 09
i would be angry if i see that... there are a few people aside from us that are allowed to discipline my kids, their grandparents, not all aunts and uncles, just some of them. i have had a teacher allowed to discipline my son, as he is very stubborn even at school... i think it is crossing the line, if other people would do that... i have seen once another parent in a practice where she got angry with my son and tapped him so hard in his shoulder, i was at the back and saw it, and i did really gave a loud voice... and some parents looked at me... why she have no right to do it, the hell that i care what position she had in the school organization, we're talking about my child here, and she has no right to do it. if a friend would do it, i would say something of course, if another relative i would get angry and whoever that person is will receive some talking to me.