When Friends Are Pains In The....
By pyewacket
@pyewacket (43903)
United States
August 11, 2009 4:52pm CST
well you know.
I have this one friend that lives out in Long Island (I'm here in Queens)--from time to time she drops in...literally..whenever she feels like it, any time she feels like it and WITHOUT calling say the day before to let me know she wants to visit.
Take some examples. She once called me quite late at night while I was taking a bath...I got out of the bath to at least answer the phone...it wasn't like she was calling at home, but on her cell phone and she was downstairs in my entrance vestibule...needless to say, I never got dressed so fast in my life...like I said I had been taking a bath. She knew I was home as I'm not likely to be out at 11:30 at night..so had to answer and let her in.
Example number two: It was around 6:00 p.m....I was in the middle of writing out an on-line grant application...no way to save it, once started I had to continue to the end or lose everything I had just done....guess who calls? And guess who was right downstairs waiting for me to buzz her into the building...yup, my friend Lisa
Example number three: This time it was REAL late at night, or should I say the early morning hours...like 1:00 a.m....Lisa and I are both night owls so of course she knew I'd be home and awake still at that time. Her grown son had driven her out to my place then he took off with the car to visit and hang-out with his friends...he didn't come back to pick my friend up (his mother) until 4:30 in the morning!
So just today.....it was rather early and I was still in bed sound asleep...the phone rings and wakes me up and my machine picks up...yup...Lisa...I ignored it. A few minutes pass by and my bell rings and I knew it was her--again I ignored it, pretending NOT to be home.
Now I do treasure my friends, but really I sometimes think friends can take advantage...Lisa is under the impression that I never go out and that I'm available 24/7 and that she can drop by to visit whenever she feels like it and this pisses me off. I've told her before to call me first at her home and ask if it's all right to visit me the next day/night.. I really don't like the idea that she feel she can just waltz in my area, call from her cell phone downstairs of my apt building and expect me to let her in anytime she feels like it...I mean is this fair to me?
Do any of you have pain in the azz friends that do this to you? I mean if I want to visit a friend of mine I call first from my home and ask if it's okay to visit and if not that day/night make arrangements for the next day, but I never just drop in whenever the fancy takes me...
I have this one friend that lives out in Long Island (I'm here in Queens)--from time to time she drops in...literally..whenever she feels like it, any time she feels like it and WITHOUT calling say the day before to let me know she wants to visit.
Take some examples. She once called me quite late at night while I was taking a bath...I got out of the bath to at least answer the phone...it wasn't like she was calling at home, but on her cell phone and she was downstairs in my entrance vestibule...needless to say, I never got dressed so fast in my life...like I said I had been taking a bath. She knew I was home as I'm not likely to be out at 11:30 at night..so had to answer and let her in.
Example number two: It was around 6:00 p.m....I was in the middle of writing out an on-line grant application...no way to save it, once started I had to continue to the end or lose everything I had just done....guess who calls? And guess who was right downstairs waiting for me to buzz her into the building...yup, my friend Lisa
Example number three: This time it was REAL late at night, or should I say the early morning hours...like 1:00 a.m....Lisa and I are both night owls so of course she knew I'd be home and awake still at that time. Her grown son had driven her out to my place then he took off with the car to visit and hang-out with his friends...he didn't come back to pick my friend up (his mother) until 4:30 in the morning!
So just today.....it was rather early and I was still in bed sound asleep...the phone rings and wakes me up and my machine picks up...yup...Lisa...I ignored it. A few minutes pass by and my bell rings and I knew it was her--again I ignored it, pretending NOT to be home.
Now I do treasure my friends, but really I sometimes think friends can take advantage...Lisa is under the impression that I never go out and that I'm available 24/7 and that she can drop by to visit whenever she feels like it and this pisses me off. I've told her before to call me first at her home and ask if it's all right to visit me the next day/night.. I really don't like the idea that she feel she can just waltz in my area, call from her cell phone downstairs of my apt building and expect me to let her in anytime she feels like it...I mean is this fair to me?
Do any of you have pain in the azz friends that do this to you? I mean if I want to visit a friend of mine I call first from my home and ask if it's okay to visit and if not that day/night make arrangements for the next day, but I never just drop in whenever the fancy takes me...11 people like this
37 responses
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
11 Aug 09
Hi there Pye I did have many years ago, I had to tell her in the end, as Mike was a 8 month old Baby, my Ex Husband and I where not getting on at all as I had just found out about his newest piece, I was working at Night so of course I was tired and wanted to be left alone to look after my Baby and have treasured time with him, I tried telling her nicely it did not work, I snapped in the end and told her to ring me and ask if it is convenient for her to come round, she took offense but tough I was not able to handle her anymore
@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
11 Aug 09
I just emailed my friend...I did a white lie and told her I was out--like hey, I DO go out and not home all the time. but did tell her to please call the night before if she wants to visit
Not long ago, another friend called me while I WAS actually out...you could tell by the tone of voice toward the end of the message she was pissed that I wasn't home..like geez...I do go out, I'm not a hermit
4 people like this
@ElicBxn (64169)
• United States
11 Aug 09
don't cha hate it when they do that? I had a guy that did that until the day he showed up, we were frantically cleaning before someone came over and I told him this was not a good time and shut the door in his face. He didn't do that again.
5 people like this
@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
11 Aug 09
I really do value my friends, but sometimes I think this one particular friend really does take advantage...all she needs to do is call the day before to let me know she wants to drop by to visit
Glad your friend learned his lesson...LOL
5 people like this
@blackbriar (9075)
• United States
12 Aug 09
Hiya Pye..sounds like you need to not just lay down the rules but stick by them. If you are busy and can't have company when she's there wanting you to buzz her in, tell her NO in a firm way, say good-bye and hang up. Let her keep doing it. Eventually she'll get the broad hint. I no longer have friends near me. They all moved out of state on me so I no longer have this problem. I am, however, slightly guilty of showing up if I happen to be passing by but not always. I definately don't go out of my way like your friend seems to do quite a bit.
4 people like this
@blackbriar (9075)
• United States
12 Aug 09
LOL That is just too rich, Pye. Thanks a bunch! I just might use that. Will have to clue my family in on it so they don't think they reached a wrong number.
3 people like this
@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
12 Aug 09
You mentioned above about my French intro to my message...how about a bit of German...put on a thick German type accent and say
Guter Tag. Wie geht es ihnen. You vill leave your name und number und a brief message or we have vays ve vill deal with you. Danke. Auf Wiedersehen
3 people like this
@scarlet_woman (23463)
• United States
12 Aug 09
tell her to bring food.she'll probably disappear
yea,we have some that always come by right as i'm putting dinner out.
even on weekends,when they had all day.and do they leave when they see i'm in the middle of something? no.
yea,we have some that always come by right as i'm putting dinner out.
even on weekends,when they had all day.and do they leave when they see i'm in the middle of something? no.@scarlet_woman (23463)
• United States
12 Aug 09
for the same reason people think stay at home moms eat bon-bons all day.
if you're home,somehow you must be doing nothing.
pft..as if.
3 people like this
@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
12 Aug 09
That's why unfortunately I feel "obligated" to allow Lisa to visit me when she picks the really wacky times to visit though...like where else would I be at 1:00 in the morning, and she knows I'm a night owl
2 people like this
@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
12 Aug 09
LOL--they probably KNEW when you were having dinner...
Actually that one time Lisa came over while I was in the middle of that on-line grant application I did tell her off that this is the WORSE time to visit me as I told her I was working...she only stayed a little while but had to laugh when I told her I was working on the computer she said, "Oh, you're working?" Like duh?
Why is it when people know you work at home, they don't think you really ARE working?
Why is it when people know you work at home, they don't think you really ARE working?4 people like this
@coffeebreak (17797)
• United States
12 Aug 09
Well, pyewacket - first off, don't get mad at me, I am a straight forward kind of person and will tell it like it is..that being said... you are the one allowing it to happen. So if you don't like it, stop answering the calls. I would NEVER get out of the tub to answer the phone! If I was in the middle of things as you mention, I would not stop and answer the phone. I have a wonder device called an "answer machine". The phone rings,it answers the call, I hear who it is and they leave a message. if I want to talk I pick up the phone. If I am busy, they are instructed to leave a message and I will call them back when I am free. Best thing since sliced bread!!! You should get one of these these little devices.. they are great! Plus... if I was in the tub, I could hear who it was... and the only time I would get out of the tub to answer was if it was one of my kids or family members with an emergency or urgent issue. Other than that, I will call them back when I get done with my bath. At times like you mention... you just need to not answer the phone. Next time she calls and you answer, you just say, "Oh I was busy and couldn't get to the phone, so I am calling you back now." How could any friend get mad at that? It is rude to just drop in on someone like that especially so often. If you know you are going to someones house, there is no reason you can't call before you leave your own house and say "I'm on my way."
Plus.. this is my issue with cell phones. NO ONE except maybe a doctor, needs to be that accessible. Cell phones make life easy in some ways, but complicate it in others.
Now granted, maybe she does this cause she is lonesome or doesn't have any other friends or something like that... thing is... her doing this could be why she is lonely and doesn't have any friends!
Good luck with your solution...let us know how it turns out!
@blackbriar (9075)
• United States
12 Aug 09
Oh--the reason for my message starting out in French...I used to get tons of calls from Spanish speaking people leaving messages who obviously were dialing the wrong number..they would rattle off a mile a minute in Spanish and I don't know Spanish...so the French beginning throws them off and they usually hang up...LOL LMAOOO I need to redo my own answering machine message cause many many times I get messages for Steve Stark or some other person. Been getting these messages for over a year now. hmmmmmmmmmm......now I'm gonna have to come up with a smart greeting. lol
4 people like this
@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
12 Aug 09
Uh--LOL I actually I DO have an answering machine....my message goes:
"Bonjour, Comment allez-vous. Hi there, I cannot come to the phone right now. Leave your name, phone number and a very brief message and I shall get back to you as soon as possible. Merci beaucoup. Au revoir."
As for why I picked up the phone when my machine indicated it was my friend and while in the tub...since she IS a far distance away from me to drop in like that figured might as well invite her in. But I do wish she would make arrangements first to visit me the next day or night
I do have a feeling she doesn't have to many friends...
Oh--the reason for my message starting out in French...I used to get tons of calls from Spanish speaking people leaving messages who obviously were dialing the wrong number..they would rattle off a mile a minute in Spanish and I don't know Spanish...so the French beginning throws them off and they usually hang up...LOL
I do have another pain in the azz friend...with her if the phone rings, NO I don't answer it if I'm not in the mood---I think she forgets the time difference--she's in Calif while I'm here in NY..don't ask how many times she calls me when I'm eating dinner...and NO ONE interrupts my dinner--she does get pissy with her messages...she knows I do a lot of work in front of the computer and can't drop everything. So her message might be.."I know you're busy but you can't be THAT busy." Oh no? Yes I am
3 people like this
@tamarafireheart (15384)
•
12 Aug 09
Hi pye,
I have a friend who is just the opposite, if I don't call her she never calls me and now because I haven't called for months I have not seen her, I think you'll have to tell her to make arrangements before dropping by.
Tamara
4 people like this
@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
12 Aug 09
I did email her and told her to please call me the day/night before you want to visit
1 person likes this
@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
13 Aug 09
I think for some reason she thinks I'm home all the time..like hey, I do have to go out and do errands and buy food
@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
13 Aug 09
LOL--I don't get many visitors to my place either, but I still wish she would at least call the day before to let me know she was coming out to visit...as I mentioned I "pretended" not to be home when she came by...what if I really had been out?
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
17 Aug 09
Seems to me if your good friend can go to the trouble of getting to your place and ring you up from downstairs in the middle of the night when you have repeatedly asked her not to then it's perfectly fine for you to say Pees off and ring me first!! and that you continue to do so till she understands. If she can act outrageously bad in the name of friendship...can't you too?
@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
18 Aug 09
WEll I did ignore her phone call (I have my answering machine on 24/7 so knew who it was)----I emailed her and told her next time she wants to visit to call me the day/night before...gee, haven't heard from her since...LOL--guess she's pissed off...tough, right?
1 person likes this
@betsyraeduke (2669)
• United States
12 Aug 09
For myself, I love it when company drops by, especially when it's a surprise so I wouldn't mind if any of my friends dropped by without calling from home before hand. In fact, I would love it, at least most of the time. But that's just me and of course, everyone is different. As for your friend, I definitely think that if you are not the type of person who likes for people to drop by without notice and you have told her this before, she should respect your wishes. But if she won't than I agree with what another responder here said, if she calls or drops by at a time when you do not want to be bothered, then just don't answer your phone or door. Don't even bother to feel obligated to invite her in because she came a long ways or whatever. Remember, that is the chance she took for not making plans with you a head of time to begin with.
4 people like this
@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
12 Aug 09
Well maybe your friends drop by at a fairly convenient and reasonable time...this one friend doesn't and picks wacky times to visit...I mean 1:00 in the morning?
Like I said...today was the first time I didn't answer either the phone or door--(have an answering machine so I knew it was her calling)
Like I said...today was the first time I didn't answer either the phone or door--(have an answering machine so I knew it was her calling)1 person likes this
@celticeagle (189838)
• Boise, Idaho
13 Aug 09
Good friendship should hold with it an open dialogue. She does this type of thing because she knows you will let her. This is a co-dependant relationship you have going on. You need to set her down and explain that you need your sleep and what your hours of availability to her and what they are. As long as you allow her to treat you this way SHE WILL.
2 people like this
@celticeagle (189838)
• Boise, Idaho
14 Aug 09
Good that you stood firm. Co-dependency is easy to fall into. Glad you aren't.
1 person likes this
@bunnybon7 (50970)
• Holiday, Florida
12 Aug 09
oh my. that reminds me of my late hubby one time. we had these "friends?" that popped in like that and stayed way to late some times. he had to get up early for work sometimes and even if you hinted or even came right out and said you had to get up early, they still sat there. well, one night, about 11pm, he got up from the the chair and said well, its been nice seeing you but i guess i better go to bed so you can leave in time for you to get some rest. 
good night see you later and walked to the door to open it. he says sorry i kept you up so late. you'd never believe the look on their faces. but they did stay friends.and he had to do it a couple other times. you might try telling her you had a special love interest coming over sometimes and they prefer to be alone with you and she needs to call first to see if they are there.@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
12 Aug 09
Years and years ago, my one neighbor was like that. This was back in the days when I was still developing my black and white film and prints at home...one could clearly see when I had the kitchen set up as a darkroom as I had a darkroom cloth over in front of the kitchen door. Well she would come prancing in whenever she felt like it...luckily my then still living grandmother was home so this woman yakked away a mile a minute to my grandmother, while I ignored her and would simply go back to working on my photos.
3 people like this
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
12 Aug 09
Hey pye! I do know exactly how you feel! But, I have finally
put an end to all those friends that used to drop by without
an invite or a phone call first! Some were neighbors so
they figured if they saw me walk into the house they could
call me the second I got in the door, or just come right over!
Others were much like your friend and would just drop by at
all hours of the day and night! I had friends that would go
to my back window in the middle of the night and scratch
on the screen and the scare the sh1t out of me! Those days
are long gone! I did have to tell some of my friends straight
out that I didn't want them to just drop in on me! I don't
do that to them so I don't want it done to me!
3 people like this
@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
12 Aug 09
I have a neighbor who knew I worked at home...this was eons ago when I still developed my black and white film and prints...like just why is it when people know you work at home they don't think you're really working..like duh??..I am--anyway she would drop in whenever she felt it...luckily my grandmother was still alive and would talk to the putzy neighbor while I continued my work.
@beaushell (339)
• Philippines
12 Aug 09
I say I can understand what you feel. I have friends who do things like that too. But I guess not as frequent as your friend do it. And yet it still annoys me. I wonder how sometimes being nice put you in such an inconvenient situation. What I do is I become honest with them. Sometime there was a friend who came and call us if he can stay at our house while he was at the city airport already! I was not really ready to receive him that very day at our house. So what I did, I told him that the room where he will stay is not yet ready. He has other place to go but not as comfortable as his room in our house. He spent 2 nights there before moving to our house. He learned his lesson and I was relieved of the pressure. I guess that is a good decision I made.
@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
12 Aug 09
Thankfully my friend doesn't pull this on me too often, but it is still annoying nonetheless.
1 person likes this
@Aurone (4755)
• United States
12 Aug 09
I love all my friends and never mind for them to come but, but they know good and well they had better call first or I might not let them in. Same goes for family. Its just good manners to call ahead and let people know you want to come over and ask if that is okay. People have lives and whether they go out or not is immaterial. Its completely inconsiderate for anyone to just drop by your house without calling. I wouldn't have let her in the first time.
2 people like this
@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
12 Aug 09
actually at first, when she did "pop" by years ago when I first knew her she at least gave us a few hours "warning" and would call from home--this was when my mother was still alive
1 person likes this
@renitaperrone (547)
• United States
15 Aug 09
No, I have never had a friend do something like that to me. And I wouldn't allow it. I'd set the ground rules that they need to CALL first, and not just assume they can come over any time of day or night. I have one neighbor who used to do that - just stop over with her daughter because her daughter wanted to play with mine. Then if the time wasn't good, we each had crying kids because they didn't get their way. I FINALLY got her trained to call first!
2 people like this
@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
16 Aug 09
at first my friend would call or even email me that she wanted to stop by, but then wouldn't--I did email her and told her if she has plans to visit me to give me a fair amount of time notice, like the day before...haven't heard from her since
@catdla1 (6005)
• United States
12 Aug 09
Friends like that are not acting like friends. They are treating you like you are their personal entertainment. There really isn't any excuse for that kind of rudeness, except that they've been able to get away with it. Get tough, it's the only thing that will work. When she calls from downstairs, tell her it's not a good time, but you'd be happy to set up a date for later in the week...then stick to it. If she says that her son dropped her off, ask if he has a cell phone and if he doesn't offer to call her a taxi. Inconveniencing you doesn't bother her, once it happens to her...maybe she'll think before she shows up. If she decides she doesn't want to be friends anymore, then she wasn't much of a friend to begin with.
2 people like this
@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
12 Aug 09
I really didn't feel one bit of guilt in NOT answering the phone...I was able to tell it was her since my answering machine picked up, nor when she rang the bell a few minutes later (someone must have let her in)--so maybe she'll get the hint that way that I'm not available 24/7---I wrote an email to her suggesting to call the day/night before if she wants to come out and visit
1 person likes this
@catdla1 (6005)
• United States
12 Aug 09
LOL...good thing you didn't sneeze while she was on the other side of your door, huh? People shouldn't have to hide in their own homes from unwanted company like that. I wonder what she would have done if you hung a 'DO NOT DISTURB' sign on your door?
1 person likes this
@TenmaMetsuki (452)
• Bahrain
12 Aug 09
calling beforehand is common courtesy . she's not a polite one, if she just barges in whenever she feels like it. And she already has a son that can drive? If she was a 16 year old kid I'd understand that she might be like that but O.o
2 people like this
@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
13 Aug 09
Yes..like I said her son is a grown one..must be in his late 20s or early 30s..she's a bit older than me..think in her 60s??
@TenmaMetsuki (452)
• Bahrain
13 Aug 09
omg! That's the behaviour of a sixty year old?! XD what the hell. And it's the old folks that keep on pestering us about respect and whatever! jeez
1 person likes this
@PeacefulWmn9 (10420)
• United States
12 Aug 09
Hello Pye. I think we all have friends or family that do things like this. If you truly do not mind, that is one thing, but when it annoys you to the point of jeopardizing a valued friendship, then it's time to take action.
You could try talking to her again, or...you can just not answer the phone or door buzzer when you are truly in the middle of something important or simply do not wish to be disturbed for whatever reason.
(A question: once she's there, do you ultimately end up enjoying the visit?)
Life is too short to let others run it for us. 
Karen2 people like this
@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
13 Aug 09
Well to be honest the very last time she "dropped by" I was annoyed as hell as I was working on an on-line application for a grant...I had to keep the computer on and watch that I didn't lose all that information I had just worked on--then I was also annoyed the time her son dropped her off and he zoomed away in the car to visit his friends so in effect left her stranded ...he didn't pick her up until about 5 in the morning! So nope the last two times she visited were NOT fun ones
1 person likes this
@PeacefulWmn9 (10420)
• United States
13 Aug 09
None of us likes hurting a friend's feelings, but there does come a point in some instances where it's that or our sanity! Let us know how it all turns out, and my best wishes to you in a difficult situation!
Karen2 people like this
@MinkeyBuddy (42)
• United States
12 Aug 09
To me, this doesn't sound too surprising. I have a friend that used to text me all the time asking me what I'm doing and I knew that that meant she wanted to hang out, regardless of what I would be doing at the time (like studying for a test for the next day!). It's kinda annoying and I ended up telling her that I need some more space. Also, to me it seems like they tend to do that more and more after we establish a pattern of stopping what we're doing and hanging out with them, if that makes any sense at all.
2 people like this
@pyewacket (43903)
• United States
13 Aug 09
What I have to laugh is that this friend probably thinks I'm home all the time...I'm not--at least not during a lot of the daytime hours in the afternoon
