can a relationship survive domestic violence and be healthy?

No because once the trust and respect have been broken there will always be a part that wonders will it happen again and on the other side there is always the thought well I'll do it just this one more time. I grew up in a bad area and saw this on a daily basis it will not get better.

Hi Doulaworks, it's terrible to be caught in an abusive relationship; I've a girlfriend who was caught in one, and didn't seem to get out of it. Every time she made an effort to run away, her abusive partner would someone find her, and pleaded with her for forgiveness and all that. So back she goes to him, and the whole cycle starts. I think once a man lifts his hand on you, it's bound to happen again. I can't take this - would most probably leave him! I don't think whatever love I feel, can tolerate knocks and bruises!

I think once that kind of thing happens, the relationship is over. Why is it worth saving, because of a child? I don't think so!! The mother and the child need to be as far away from that beast, as they can get. There is no point in staying with someone who has beat someone else, because the abuser may abuse again.

I'm a man and I'm totally against any violence of any sort especially violence against women. I sympathise with you for the abuse you and your daughter have suffered in the hands of violent men. I, however, want to look at the issue differently. Our society is changing fast and we by our actions or otherwise are catalysing the bad transition. Where is the joy and fulfilment of marriage that used to be there? Are husbands loving their wives as they should? Are the women as submissive as before? These are few questions among many each of us need to answer sincerely. Forgive me but I am for marriage any day. I don't feel co-habitation in any guise is God's ordained relationship between a man and a woman. Where there is no marriage relationship the love is suspect and no one should expect total commitment. I'm not here to judge you, your daughter or any other persons. What I'm saying is, it's high time each of us re-consider his/her approach to the issue of the foundation of true relationship cemented by marriage. God blessings.

IF both people work at healing and are upfront about expectations and realistic in their feelings. I think love is important here too. If the aggressor is seeking help and has apologized and is truly trying on a day to day basis then I think it could work out. I have never been in a violent relationship. FOR LONG. I think my daughter's father could have been violent but I left after the first time so I don't know. If both parties works at it it may be able to be a positive outcome. Rare but I think it could happen.

First of all, I commend your daughter for taking the necessary steps to protect herself and her children. I would say that, whether a relationship with domestic violence can survive and be healthy depends on the two people in it, whether both are willing to work towards a better relationship. One has to forgive but both have to seek counseling. Unfortunately, I must say this, men who hit their women once are more inclined to do it again. Why? Because it is that easy. They have major issues and they need to fix themselves before getting into a relationship again. I do not know anyone who has been beaten up by their spouse once and then the violence stopped. It just continued until the "victim" just packed up and left. I would've done the same thing as your daughter because if the man could abuse her, the mother of his children, then it isn't too far fetched to say that he could abuse their kids, too.

i appreciate ur daughter's move but women in my country are not that fortunate enough. being into human rights i have come across many a researches in my country showing women here behave as if they have no choice but to act submissive and wait for things to change. the researches say that it do change but only when the husbands get old enough . the poor wives spend their whole life getting spanked or waiting for the miracle to happen i truely pity their fate,but places where the society is more supportive there is no reason for women to stand something like that.

I think your daughter was more than likely right in leaving. I'm sure that some relationships can survive with much councelling for both parties. I was in 2 abusive marriages. The first was mild compared to the 2nd which was a nitemare. I got out and I got councelling. It was in counceling that I learned so much about domestic violence and how it works. It esculates as a rule and so does the victims tolerance of it. It lowers the victims esteem until they start believing that it is their fault....they deserve the beatings. I had to learn to stop blaming myself....stop blaming him & try to get to the root of why I put up with what most women would run from. Without help, most women, even if they leave the abuser will move on to someone else who will abuse them even worse. The adrenelin that is released with each confrontation is more frequent than is normal and can cause one to become addicted to ones own adrenelin. I recovered and became stronger. I was told that it was because that I was not abused as a child which most of the women who put up with it were. I did have low esteem....mom was more than a tad bit critical and maybe that bordered on mental abuse...don't know but my dad was just the opposite so it balanced out. I lucked out. If it was my daughter, I'd be so relieved that she got out right away. You raised her right.

Hi doula! Nice to see you again! I had been thinking about you just recently and wondering how you and your lovely family were doing. I think that what your daughter is doing is definitely the right thing to do! I don't think that once a man puts his hands on a woman that he can ever be trusted again! It is told by all the domestic violence counselors that once it happens it will happen again and again and each time it will get worse and it could end up in the victim being killed! I have been in a violent relationship so I do know that getting out right away is the most important step! Some woman don't believe this and end up going back to the batterer and end up in constant fear for their life! So your daughter made the right decison to get out, get a restraining order and get as far away from this guy as she possibly can and never have anything to do with him again!

I did not get out of my abusive relationship the first time. I hate to say but its true. I was also very young and not thinking clearly. Does the violence stop? Maybe. I don't know. I remember a few years ago seeing about a man who used to abuse his wife and then they went to counseling and now he doesn't do it anymore. Thing is contrary to popular belief abuse is not always about some temper problem. Most cases have to do with having power and control over someone which is why the abuser will usually do what they can to cover their backs like lie and try to say that injuries to their victim were self inflicted. The best thing to do is get out and if you know someone in this situation, be there for them because most abusers will have them thinking that no one cares about them.

I am glad your daughter is out of there. Many times physical violence comes after verbal or emotional abuse, and once the abuse become physical it tends to happen more and more often. I just wouldn't be around, and I wouldn't want especially to have my children around someone with that kind of temper. I myself have never been involved in that type of relationship, and your daughter is strong and smart not to try and give him a way back.

Violence is a serious thing. If he has done it once, he can certainly do it again. I have not been in a violent relationship but if I ever I get into one, I'll be immediately out of it. It's not right to let other people hurt us, even if they say they love us, they do not have the right to do so -- no one does.

Personally, the first time I think would be a leaving issue for me. I didn't move countries and give up my whole life for my husband to be bashed, and that would be a part of it - that to do what I have done, it has to be worth it, and that would show he wasn't (I should say I'm talking in theory here, not because I think dear hubby would ever do such a thing!) However, I DO know a couple like that who seem to have moved on and have a better life now. I really hope what I see is true and she hasn't just learned to hide it better though. Good luck to your daughter, I hope things get better for her.

Violence could never make a relationship survive and be healthy.It will always be repeated for sometime knowing that it had been done at the first time. They could exist but up only to the threshold allowable by the victim. But who am I to judge what love can truelly make for the abusive and submissive to change for the best.

I am so lucky that I have never had violence in my life but I have seen a lot.. I have seen some women who love someone so much they put up with anything. But I think with violence like unfaithfulness there is something lost in the relationship, the innocence maybe I don't know...but i really think it all depends on the strength of the love of the woman that makes or breaks the relationship.

I suppose that if the abuser really wanted to change and got counseling and made every effort, the relationship might survive. But why would anybody who has been abused want to take that chance?

Very very very few and far between survive this type of situation because 99% of the time, the abusive person in the relationship does not learn to, and cannot, change.

I completely agree with you. A man should never put his hands on a woman. Once that happens, it is downhill. Just because he did it once, does not mean he will never do it again. But frankly, one time is too much. You should be very proud of your daughter because she is clearly doing the right thing. Good for her.

Your daughter is wise to not wait for the second time. Violence is never the answer.

I would like to be hopeful, but patterns always repeat themselves. I once thru my significant other in jail for domestic violence and I was surprised he did not hit me for the next year and a half. This was hopeful, however, the abuse started in other ways. Verbal and mental. Making people think I was crazy ect