How does relationship between children and parents change when the former grow?

Children and parents, priorities change, adulthood - Children and parents their priorities change when they grow old.
Philippines
November 15, 2009 4:34am CST
I think there is significant difference in the parents and children relationship when the latter are still young as compared to when they become adults. Young children think that the entire universe focus on them that they demand full attention from their parents. As they mature they realize that they too need independence from their parents. As the cases when they have a family to take care the priorities changes too. This are probably the many reasons establish their own homes and leave parents when they get married. Even though the need for each other is still there, the relationship between children to parents is not the same when they grow up. How about you, How does your relationship between children and parents change when the former grow? Compare the attitudes of parents and children before and now? Kindly shares your thoughts. thanks
8 people like this
23 responses
@bjcyrix (6901)
• Philippines
15 Nov 09
The relationships indeed do change. We do know that most people love/like babies/toddlers. They are just too cute and amusing or whatnot. At this stage, when the parents are first time parents, all of their attention will be on the child. They will dote on him/her and even spoil him/her a little. When grown to kids, they still have that sense of being the center of attention, so they still have a great relationship with their parents. They are still learning about the world and discovering all there is that the world can offer them. When turning pre-teen, and teen, there is that awareness of establishing friendships and relationships to other people. These would be the group of friends that they think that have 'belonged' with. A peer group that shares their interest and their knowledge about the world, so they could explore it together or something to that effect. The parents still dote on the tweens and teens, but the children wish for more freedom from them. Unfortunately, the parents know better so they still try to keep them within arms reach. This causes a friction between the parents and the children. Thus, this evolves into rebellion, teen angst, or just the usual being separated from the parents. There is still the emotional bond but the physical bond is kept at a minimum. Growing to adults, like you mentioned, having their own family, the children then learn how it was in being in their parents' shoes since they might be parents themselves already. They now understand why their parents were like that during their time, and so there is newfound respect for the parents. This creates a bond of another level that the children would then want to take care of the parents as a way of gratitude in raising them. That's what I think about the matter, and the previous paragraph is still an opinion for me because I still have not reached that age.LOL The first part is an opinion based on my experience, and those that I have witnessed as well. So that's my two cents worth.
• Philippines
24 Nov 09
hi bj, well, that is very well thought from you and you reply is absolutely amazing. Though, you're still a students and yet unmarried have a variety of opinions which could be derived from your own observation and own understanding of the change of the relationship between children and parents. As I do observe too the children is being pamper and well taken care of most of the time.Usually it is the eldest child or the youngest child or only son/daughter who receive most of the love, care, attention and affection from proud parents as they set the rules and be the first teacher of their children. Parents show to children their good behavior and becoming a good role models. Then, children imitate them that the qualities of the parents aside from the physical attributes are gain by them that they develop close bonding. I must say that because of this closeness, children are learning a lot of good things then become confident to learn and excelled from schools from the full support of parents sending them to good schools and giving lot of privileges. In return the children honor their parents and gives them a lot of praises helping also in the household chores. The levels of bonding never change and the matter that changes is when they already reach full adolescent period that they slightly keep distance from parents and not because they are hiding something. The children who becomes adults need to be mature as a result they need to build a family to become independent and that is the changes most occur in every family. Children left to build their own nest and have children of their own. The unending cycles just repeat as the same things will also happen to them in the futures as history most of the times repeat itself. As what children care for parents never cease as it does not mean that because they get married they would suddenly abandon their parents you mention, which is not the case.Instead they would care more like you just as a payback time for the sacrifices given by the parents as a way to show the gratitude for the time being in caring for them when they still young. Though, it could not be remove that some parents become over protective of the welfare of their children that when their son/daughter have troubles with their husband. They would surely accept their child to return again in their home with open arm than to be hurt again by their husband. That is a good introspection in your part bj, a very well thought....
4 people like this
@bjcyrix (6901)
• Philippines
10 Jan 10
What more can I say? You have expanded the thought to an article writing level, as always. Keep them coming.
@kun2349 (23381)
• Singapore
19 Nov 09
Well well, alot depends again.. haha =D SOme families can be closely knitted when the children are young, but as they grow older, things starts to change, especially when their mentality to things changes, along with attitude.. haha =D But then, there are children whom seems to be neglecting parents, but in reality, they do really care alot for them on the sly.. haha =D Upbringing does not really matters on how children will treat their parents, as it depends on the children themselves..
@kun2349 (23381)
• Singapore
20 Nov 09
Over here, most of the time, guys will tend to be living on their own once they are married.. If possible, they wont be staying or relying on parents anymore.. But for gals, they are sure to move out, as they are part of the man's family after they are married.. hehe
• Philippines
20 Nov 09
well..that is a total independence as they could learn the aspect of life more when they are separated from the shadow of their parents.. the same things in my country where the husband is the girl submit on them...
• Philippines
20 Nov 09
hi kun, Well, here in my country their is a family call as extended family which means even their children already get married the parents insist their children to stay on their homes or if their married children insist to stay they are also allow. Though, in other family, once their children get married they are free to decide where they like to live with no string attach. Children care for their parents never subsides even though they have their own family while stay away at home then just visit their parents when they like to with not much pressure on their parts.
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
18 Nov 09
SOne times the rolls switch as the kids think they can run over their parents. but most times and maybe I am exception but daughter and I get along fine have same veiws and we live together even buying house together. My sons have thier own place and familys but are still pretty close to us and make ways to come visit. I think it maybe that we traveled alot with hubbys work and we were the only ones we could depend on adn we still depend on each otehr made ua a close nit famiy for sure
@Lakota12 (42600)
• United States
23 Dec 09
yup is
• Philippines
23 Dec 09
Well, that fine as you your bonding with your children never changes even to the point when they are already married as the time of accompaniment may changes as they also have been busy with their own family life does not mean exactly they lose track of their parents. But, still find quality time to spent with you as their parents which is a good attitude to maintain.
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
16 Nov 09
My child is only eight years old so she is at a stage where she still needs me for almost everything and thinks that I am the one the puts the sun out every morning! (LOL) Of course our relationship will change dramatically as she grows and I am almost certain we won’t be as close during the dreaded teen stage! Kids become adults and the relationship with their parents becomes more equal you might say, they can relate to each other from an adult point of view although there is a small part in every parent that will always view their off springs as their ‘babies’ no matter how old they are!
• Philippines
19 Dec 09
hi paula, Well, that really true as parents as much as the mother really feel so close to their children that a matter of separation is likely almost discourage in some family as even when children becomes the adult the way parents treat their children never change.They always make it a point to look for their security and always around to care for them even at the stage where they already got married...
1 person likes this
• Philippines
16 Nov 09
Luckily, I can say that I still have the same relationship with my daughters even though they are now adults and already have a family of their own. I can still go with them wherever they want and we still get along well with each other. We sometimes have arguments once in a while but I think that's just normal in such mother-daughter relationships. Whenever this happens, we are still able to patch things up and make amends. Maybe, the only thing that had changed is the time that we spend with each other. Since they are already married, they tend to have their own priorities now, spending more time with their family of course but on the other hand, they see to it that on weekends and certain occasions, they are always with me and they are never absent.
• Philippines
23 Dec 09
Well, that very true arguments exist in every relationship but it is one way the other party could know the defect and then resolve it through conversation and settle it down with understanding which benefit both party in the end. Being single have given a lot of time to be with your children and parents too have the happiness to share joy with their single children and the change happen when the children get married the changes is evidence on the time as they already have priorities as you say but it does not mean children already forget their parents they still care but they could not show it all the time as they are already busy too with their family and at the same time caring for their children..
• Philippines
16 Nov 09
I agree with you neelia, as the kids grow older there are also changes in their attitudes and behavior. These are due to the things they learn from us, from their playmates, from the community we live in and from the school. They become more independent and they sometimes reasons out. Not like before when they are little kids that they always follow waht you tell them. But that is reality, and we parents should be careful on how and what we teach our children.
• Philippines
23 Dec 09
Yup, and kids before are so obedient but when they grow old they demand a lot of independence and so private that they never ever shares their secrets as it almost remain on them to keep. They are less open to the advices of their parents and always like to act to decide for themselves. As some even complain and never like to be intervene by their parents regarding on personal matters. Yeah, kids now days too act more smarter than adults which is very true sometimes as they are more expose to advanced technology but that does not necessary mean they could outdo the knowledge of adults wisdom is something which they already obtain from their life experience and still they advices should also be well taken.
• China
29 Nov 09
Things chage all the time , the relationship change too. in some case ,it changes to be good or better while for some other reason it change worse . when a child is still young and not that thougtful , he or she would leam on their parants mostly , but after their grew up /they have their own idea about what is Do ,what is DON't ,, relationship chage then ,but one thing is gonna last forever ----blood relastionship (*^__^*)
• Philippines
29 Nov 09
hi cranehuang, Yeah, i do agree and most of the times it happen as expected though the parents may be hesitant to let their children build their own home and like to still live on them or the well known extended family. Then, as children like the things you mention they like to be independent to prove to their parents that they could live away from their shadow and make a living from their own work. Thus, being part of a family should be more stronger as the years goes by through thick and think, as you say relationship change but not in terms of being part of the clan. have a nice day!
• India
16 Nov 09
yes, of course. As the children grow up, the relation between parents and children has to change. When kids are small, parents are like teachers and guides and as kids become youth, parents should be like friends to their kids and as the parents age further, the children become their guardian. It is a natural aging process keeping in mind the changing mental maturity of children and declining physical capacities of aging parents.
• Philippines
29 Nov 09
hi sudipta, yup, it is like history repeat itself just like the time parents have to leave thier parents when they get married and their children would also do the same things. the cycles just get repeated over times as children becomes adult need someone to support them which a parents could not fully provide they find it to have other person to fill their emptiness by having family of their own when the times comes they could already stand on their own. thanks.
@cobradene (1171)
• India
20 Dec 09
I would say, parents are more responsible in this change. If the relationship changes, it's their responsibility to nurture their children in a selfless manner. I mean, I see so many parents control their children and all the time keep them under vigil, about where they are going at what time, which friend they are talking to, and what they are talking, and when they will be back home. If they don't score marks, they get a beating etc etc... I mean, the lives of these children get controlled so much, and it becomes such a hard routine. Such parents are more, at least in the Indian society. I know instances where, a father would take a heating rod and stick it to his son's legs, only because they haven't studied for the day. And, these sons, once they become engineers or doctors, they think their parents have been right, and they say, they are thankful for this treatment, otherwise they wouldn't have been successful. Had it been some other country, this father would have been behind bars by now. But, such draconian attitude of parents can lead children even to ignore them once they grow older as well. I have instances where the father, especially, doesn't treat his children with respect, because he thinks he is much older, he has all the right to speak to them in a very dominating tone, with no love in the voice, even though it's hidden in the heart. But the ego that he is the head of the house, shouldn't show the love so obviously, and all his life, he treats his children, as if they are good for nothing, and never even involves them in a family discussion, and even they gave him some advice on issues like investment or investing money in a new house in time for his retirement, so he can relax all his life with his pension.... he wouldn't listen to them... So, there are issues in between, a lot of issues, personal issues which happen, and these issues change the relationship. There are parents who respect the independence of their children, and they allow them privacy within their homes and there are parents who don't respect their children's privacy. My father never respected my privacy, and he always sneaked on me when I was on the phone, or when I am speaking to somebody outside my home, curiously watching... There are many parents like that especially in India. And, parents don't want to understand the personality of their children, and they want to control them, according to their idea of the world or the society or the generation in which they grew up, but they forget to connect with the present generation which has changed in thought behaviour and living... and beliefs and dogmas. There are many such issues, which change the relationships between children and parents. And some of them end up in disputes, yet, continue to love their parents and take care of them. And some of them, out of incompatibility, leave their parents in some old age home, or in a separate apartment, and visit them once or twice per week just to check in if they are doing fine. And, there are many parents who are totally friendly with their children, and once they are married, they know, their children need privacy, and they move out into a separate home themselves. I don't think because having your own family, the priority changes. It's just that children are very selfish and they forget how much care their parents have taken when they were children. Especially, their mothers. Most parents are too nosy about what's happening between their son and daughter-inlaw. They want to know every detail of their conversation and private life. If they haven't had children, they question, why his wife is not having a child yet.. And all sorts of things. They even want to know every detail of their son's money, where he is investing it, how much he has saved, and where he is spending all of it. They just want to hold on to their son, being scared he may leave them and run away, so they manipulate his mind, saying, it's his duty to take care of them for the rest of his life, and finally, from that step onwards, they keep manipulating, which college he should join, what course he should study, and it goes on and on till marriage, after marriage.... If the son is a rebel, and is smart enough to break away from this manipulation, he just puts them in a separate home and lives somewhere else. It's an endless debate... But the present day condition, things seem to be that way, that children should live in separate homes from their parents, because the current generation is more liberal, and more open in expression, and they can't express their lifestyle, and also their affection to their wives in front of their parents. If they come home after work, they would like to give their wives a hug and a kiss, but, they have to pretend in front of their parents all the time and hide the expressions, and can just flirt behind closed doors. Times are changing. Well, parents can be taken care of, just make them live in a separate apartment or house close by and keep visiting them regularly, or have dinner together often, etc.... It's too difficult to state one particular reason why children leave their parents. Every situation in life has many layers and many different reasons that play a part. One of the biggest reasons for children leaving their parents is because, parents refuse to understand their children after a certain age, refuse to relate with them as friends and understand their desires, the way, they want to live, and accept it. But rather, I can't imagine even at 24 children are afraid to discuss that they are in love, and they are having a relationship.... Many out of fear just don't get married, and move out of their relationship and get married to someone else whom their parents have chosen. Too many reasons, too many reasons... I can't stop...... Grrr... need to stop here.
• Philippines
21 Dec 09
well, you give a great description and you have summed it well basing from your own experiences and observation. Definitely some parents are very dominant in persisting their children to follow their every command and wishes and yet children have either have the option to follow or either disobey them. in most case the children when become adults have develop the mind of their own and have free will to follow their likes and dislikes. Unlike before many children are tied to the tradition and is following every parents who are very demanding insinuating to brain wash their children mind as they reason out they are doing all the advices to secure their children future and when children agree to their desires as you mention it often result to regret which is very true in every senses. However, their is an instances when parents is being thanks by children for their guidance they have a better future from arrange marriage as the wisdom of the old is better as they could perceive the things which likely to happen before children could think it of as sometimes their impulses lead them to wrong decision. But , in my own opinion it is best if children is given all the freedom to decide for themselves as they were the one who would have a relationship and to be with the person he/she love matter most than a force relationship which are bound to fail. Whatever decision children should takes should fall under their own discretion and its effect would only fall on them without others to blame as the culprit while parents are their to advices their children and not to intervene is better option than to insist on their demand which only lead to a lot of disagreement.
• Philippines
2 Dec 09
It depends on how the parents raised them. If the parents are close to their children they will still be close until they get married but it will be a different scenario when they in separate house with their parents. Maybe it will depend on them on how they continue the relationship but it is good if they will continue to get even more closer. As for parents who are not close to their kids, the kids are more closer on their nanny or their grandparents, it depends on them if they like to get closer with their parents when they grow up. Maybe it is their decision if they want to share their own family with their parents. It really depends on what has happened on their childhood that made them stick closer or to be separated from their parents. Some of the children wants to get married to separate themselves from their parents while some do not want it.
• Philippines
23 Dec 09
That comes the so-call extended families as some parents never like their children to go far away from them that if they have a large lot they would let their children either to live with their ancestral homes or built their homes within the parents compound. But, it is also good for children to live far from their parents as they would learn to become responsible and value independence where they could experience to have their own earning, buy the things they like, to have a partner and children without a parents intervene. Then, the parents just support their children for any undertaking they like to go through..
@justmeh (188)
• Philippines
16 Nov 09
Yeah it's pretty much true. In my case,when I was young, I always think that life if always full of happiness cause that's what I could see from my parents but then as I grew up until now I've realized that it's not always the case. And now, I beginning to understand things which I gave literal meanings during my childhood....And compared from before I am more loving to my parents despite of misunderstandings sometimes and I have admired them a lot.
• Philippines
16 Nov 09
relationships between parents and children really do change. when they are younger, in everything they do they need you..they are sweet and they are always close to you wherever you go. but as they grow into teens and adults...and meeting more people and friends...they started to get busy with others. you cannot see them anymore.. they are always out with their friends.. i just wish they're still kids so i can cuddle them and be with me always.
• Philippines
16 Nov 09
hi erlinda, It is really true and though as long as the children are young parents should take more time to take good care and feed them with lots of attention and affection. As children grow faster and it would be feel of regrets knowing they get to have separate lives when times come by they move to build their own homes it quite lonesome to think but all goes to that stages in life when they have to set new priorities and that is including their own family. thanks.
@happy2512 (1266)
• Philippines
16 Nov 09
For me nothing has change between my parents & I even if my siblings & I are married but we still have that same relationship although time is a question but we always find time & see to it its worth spending with them. I love them more than the love they showed to me.
• Philippines
29 Nov 09
hi happy, yup, family would always be their although your priority may change over time just like you mention you still find time to communicate with them which is good rather than none. thanks.
@emrajr69 (25)
• South Africa
16 Nov 09
Does it have to change? I have always treated my children and grandchildren as friends (except when I've had to discipline them). And as old as my children now are (all in their 30's), they still share everything in their lives with me. I find that it is easier to communicate with them if I treat them this way, that they feel as if they have real value to me and my husband. There are of course times when we really don't look at things or courses of action in the same way, but on the whole, we are able to agree or disagree about things without getting personal, and keeping the bonds between us unbroken. My family will be my family always.
• Philippines
19 Dec 09
Hi emrajr, well, that very nice it only mean that even children grow the chances of losing community is not really a matter of problem as the family only grow, the more the merrier as it could be as another factor for closeness never to partake with what have been raise since childhood till adulthood the valuable lesson to look out for the one who care for is never forgotten but instead growing more stronger and better as the time goes by..
@coldmoon (1088)
• France
15 Nov 09
In the parents' eyes, children are always the same, and always need the care, so evry parents want to protect their children, though sometime they do this task too much. When people grow up, they become more independent and want to show that they can do many thing by themselves. Besides, thezy have more thing and more people to care out of their family, but some parents aren't ready to accept the new relations of their children. That influences somehow the family link. However, the mutual love is always the key point, if it exists, it won't change.
• Philippines
30 Nov 09
hi coldmoon, Those things you mention are all true and it happen most of the times children who becomes adults changes and so is their priorities. They tend to divert their attention from their parents toward their peers as they begin to enjoy the company of other person whom eventually end up in married. But,it does not mean they actually forget their parents but like to build a family of their own and have their own children for the sake of companionship and procreation. thanks.
2 people like this
@stephcjh (38473)
• United States
15 Nov 09
I think some relationships change for the good and some of them for the bad. It all depends on the type of household they are raised in too. Some children rebel against their parents if they were not treated good inside the home. Some love their parents more after leaving home because they mature and learn how to respect them.
• Philippines
30 Nov 09
hi steph, Yea, that true depending on the emotional and maturity of the children may becomes responsible and independent adults who learn to live on their own and find another person to build a family of their own. While other children separate from their parents to avoid being nag and elude advices because of the bad influences from friends or just a plain hard headed person who tend to enjoy a lot of freedom breaking rules. thanks.
2 people like this
• United States
15 Nov 09
The relationships do change indeed. As a mother of three, im am not looking foward to the change but it will come intime. My daughter is 8 1/2, my son is 7 and my youngest is 6 months. If i look back at my relationship with my mom, it changed way before i wanted it too.
• Philippines
16 Nov 09
hi lilcreme, Their are natural occurrences as children grow just like the older have done to their parents it is like a recycle phase that every one need to undergo as they become mature and become aware of their plans to become independent as they acquire their own freedom to learn to live on their own by becoming responsible for their own welfare and in the future they would also build a family pattern similarly to the kind of family they have now. thanks.
2 people like this
@flower21 (765)
• Philippines
29 Nov 09
relationship change hen children becomes adult and declare independence having a job of their own and family. they appear distance to their parents but the love would not change it is still the same only the distance of their home.
• Philippines
29 Nov 09
hi flower21, yup, changes is very constant every now and then which includes having your own family. children when they still young depend most of the times to their parents for their needs, thus, when they grow up to become adults, they have other needs too which a parents could not provide they seek it to other person. they get married and have children of their own and thus the cycle is repeated again most of the times. thanks.
@jaiho2009 (39141)
• Philippines
15 Nov 09
Hello neel, It doesn't change totally,but there would be a big difference indeed. From caring a baby,a helpless baby that needs full attention till the day they can walk by their own and eat their first solid foods. Teaching them how to write and do things of their own. I thought it would be easier to take care my children when they grow up. I keep saying myself when they are still toddlers "when they grow up,i will be relaxed then"...but,it's a big mistake!!! Caring adult/grown up kids is more complicated and needs much much more attention. Becoz,it is the time when they want to explore new things..new things that can do some harm. Bad influences is the worst thing,and should be taken with so much precautions. Checking who are my son's friends is one of the hard part for me as a mother. I need to be extra careful not to hurt my son,or not to make him think that i don't trust him. He has some friends that don't have good reputation(i mean,like naughty and bully ones). I had to give him examples,shows him disadvantages for having bad company. I just hope he will listen and won't take it as bad. I don't have trouble with my daughter,maybe becoz she is also a girl and we are very close to each other that she can tell me everything. Well,i can say,as of now,i can feel a big difference of taking care and responsibilities with caring children as their ages changes...from toddlers to adulthood.I can't think what more complication when they get married and had family of their own.(uhmnn...that is still to be seen)
• Philippines
30 Nov 09
hi jaiho, Good things for you as your children are mostly raise by you at a young age being receive already enough discipline that it would no longer put a lot of pressure on your part. Though, boys act more tough to your daughter in terms of reasoning. Boys is really naughty most of the times and love to experiment. While girls is on the inquisitive sides always declaring innocents although they are more mature compare to boys. Though, when they mature parents get nervous as their behavior and preferences changes too being influence either by the company of good or bad friends. Then, it is up tot he parents to set a list of rules so that they would be properly guided to become obedient, responsible and good children to their parents. By setting a good examples the parents being the role models. Children could recall those discipline you teach them and may never forget. Though, when they become adults they could easily makes themselves learn to avoid those bad things and seek the right way to discard those bad influences. thanks.
2 people like this
@rg0205 (2636)
• Hong Kong
15 Nov 09
My relationship with my mother has gotten better over the years. As with my father, it's gotten to a civil point, at least. He's not changed his ways so we don't have much of a relationship at all. I just try to keep things as civil as I possibly can. I think most people tend to mature with age. Unfortunately, this isn't the case for everyone. Just the same, some families grow closer as time goes by while some drift apart.
• Philippines
15 Nov 09
hi rg, Yeah that true it comes to a point in time that although you would like to be recognize by your father in a daughter to father relationship it just not come into a right agreement as the other tend to deviate. While you intend to be more closer by developing communication or heighten interest to show your concern though maintaining a civil relationship is still better to recognized by your father than nothing at all.
2 people like this