One's Personal boundaries-What kind of person are you as far as these boundari
By kalav56
@kalav56 (11464)
India
January 6, 2010 4:45am CST
According to Nina Brown, there are 4 kinds of psychological boundaries:
Soft - A person with soft boundaries merges with other people's boundaries. Someone with a soft boundary is easily manipulated.
Spongy - A person with spongy boundaries is like a combination of having soft and rigid boundaries. They permit less emotional contagion than soft boundaries but more than rigid. People with spongy boundaries are unsure what to let in and what to keep out.
Rigid - A person with rigid boundaries is closed or walled off so nobody can get close to them either physically or emotionally. This is often the case if someone has been physically, emotionally or psychologically abused. Rigid boundaries can be selective which depend on time, place or circumstances and are usually based on a bad previous experience in a similar situation.
Flexible - This is the ideal. Similar to selective rigid boundaries but the person has more control. The person decides what to let in and what to keep out, are resistant to emotional contagion, manipulation and are difficult to exploit.
I found this link very interesting
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personal_boundaries
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10 responses
@dpk262006 (58679)
• Delhi, India
6 Jan 10
Hi kala!
Thanks a lot for bringing about the criteria for determining one's behavior, as per the boundaries. This classification appear true to me. I have come across some people, who belong to the first category. I think those are easily manipulated. I think I can put myself in last flexible category. I would allow some strangers in my life, but on selective basis. Sometimes, I could be rigid to those persons, who did harm to me (when I was not at fault), I would feel uncomfortable with those kind of fellows and would try to avoid them. I am neither too 'soft' or 'rigid', as per the definition you have given.
Have a great day!
Deepak
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@vandana7 (102699)
• India
6 Jan 10
Hi kalav, I thought dpk was a baby. And babies are supposed to be soft! Isn't it? And Deepak, you are nowhere near that flexible, ok! Just because that sounds good, you say you belong in that category. LOL. Look at this babyface trying to portray himself to be from the best category!
@kiran8 (15348)
• Mangalore, India
6 Jan 10
Hi kala, great discussion topic 
....But I feel that there can be in between types too. It is very difficult to fall within the four boundaries. For example I would say that I am flexible to a certain extent, and soft to a little extent depending on who I am dealing with and sometimes spongy too LOL
...One can also be rigid regarding certain issues....So I would be a person who has a little of all these qualities , may be the degree varies....Have a great evening kala and Have a great 2010....
....But I feel that there can be in between types too. It is very difficult to fall within the four boundaries. For example I would say that I am flexible to a certain extent, and soft to a little extent depending on who I am dealing with and sometimes spongy too LOL...One can also be rigid regarding certain issues....So I would be a person who has a little of all these qualities , may be the degree varies....Have a great evening kala and Have a great 2010....@kalav56 (11464)
• India
7 Jan 10
I agree Kiran.I also think thta only "rigid" can be a firm type of behaviour.Such people are always wary of others. When it is the pther categories, somehow , at some time or the other, the circumstances and also desire for selfpreservation are likely to overrule us.
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
6 Jan 10
No Bala! This answer has been a very composite one and I think all sensible individuals should do thIS.The word "flexible" implies it all.THis is the best way of behaviour though sometimes I do feel that being "soft' with the needy may lead us into trouble.I have seen my father in action and he was always a soft man with the needy.The good wishes of others would always be with us undoubtedly but sometimes we may also get manipulated or exploited.
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
7 Jan 10
Hi Drannh! Happy new year! Actually,by mistake , I had pasted the discussion without adding my last paragraph .THat said what kind of person I am .Personally I would call myself [a t least like to call myself] “flexible” but sometimes I make the mistake of falling under the second category of not knowing what must be kept out [due to my desire to be friendly].
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
10 Jan 10
This is interesting…I would consider myself rigid most of the times although I have been soft on too many occasions. I do allow a certain few to get close to me and when I do I am very loyal but overall I am not an overly outgoing individual; I am friendly when I get to know people and I am usually quite happy with my own company, in fact sometimes I prefer being alone with my animals than socialising with anyone. I like people but in small doses! (LOL)
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@kalav56 (11464)
• India
11 Jan 10
That is one reason I love this forum Paula.Here we are all very friendly, we can understand another person's point of view and we also feel comfortable sharing our thoughts .But there is no invasion whatsoever of anyone's personal boundary.The discussions come from an objective person.I too feel that though I am talkative I cannot socialise too much ; I have certain people who I am really comfortable with.
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@vandana7 (102699)
• India
6 Jan 10
Hi kalav, I think I have a bit of every category. :) I think my personality changes as per the time, context, and the person with whom I am interacting. Therefore, I might be softer with children, and people who are facing problems, and people who need friends, while I will have that confused set of boundaries with colleagues and a some friends. I might be rigid with people who have hurt me, and flexible with friends who have stood by me, even though it might not be exactly what I desire. Even my mood determines how I feel. Therefore, if I watch a very sentimental movie about a parent, I feel I become all soft towards him. :) So may be I am seamless in this boundary filled discussion. :)
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
6 Jan 10
Once you are flexible in behaviour , I think half the problem is solved because we would all have a natural self preservation instinct.Only when this is slightly weak, there would be problems and invasion of this boundary.
Thanks for the particpation Vandana and happy new year!
@vijayanths (7877)
• India
6 Jan 10
I think I fall to the flexible category. Interesting discussion. How about you Kala?
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
6 Jan 10
I had written the following in the discussion topic but that failed to get pasted.
I know a person who is spongy, a person who is rigid and also a person who belongs to the “ soft.” category .Personally I would call myself [a t least like to call myself] “flexible” but sometimes I make the mistake of falling under the second category of not knowing what must be kept out [due to my desire to be friendly].
@bjcyrix (6901)
• Philippines
7 Jan 10
This is a very interesting post, kalav.
At first I thought that I might have the Rigid boundary with its first description but when I read further, it got me thinking. Then I got to the last part of the post, which is the Flexible boundary. Now this really did get me thinking of my situation and my history.
In retrospection, I think that I used to have that Rigid boundary, most especially during childhood and high school. It was just all too complicated and quite a long story to tell here.LOL Then as I got older, became more mature and finally had the freedom in college, I developed the Flexible boundary. I know which information or which kinds of matters that affects me, I know how to deal with things as they arise, I am aware of other people and I am quite observant.
That's just what I think anyways, it would be nice though if there is some sort of fun quiz that would determine one's boundary, wouldnt you think?
At first I thought that I might have the Rigid boundary with its first description but when I read further, it got me thinking. Then I got to the last part of the post, which is the Flexible boundary. Now this really did get me thinking of my situation and my history.
In retrospection, I think that I used to have that Rigid boundary, most especially during childhood and high school. It was just all too complicated and quite a long story to tell here.LOL Then as I got older, became more mature and finally had the freedom in college, I developed the Flexible boundary. I know which information or which kinds of matters that affects me, I know how to deal with things as they arise, I am aware of other people and I am quite observant.
That's just what I think anyways, it would be nice though if there is some sort of fun quiz that would determine one's boundary, wouldnt you think?@kalav56 (11464)
• India
7 Jan 10
Definitely with a nice questionairre.But as someone pointed out our boundaries do change according to circumstances BJCYRIX.I am sure your circumstances forced you to have that rigid boundary around you.Later in life, less disillusionments would have loosened the rigidity.Unfortunately, people wth rigid boundaries get really tough if they fall into adverse circumstances or get embittered by further bad experiences.
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@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
6 Jan 10
Hey kalav! I am somewhat inbetween a spongy and flexible person!
I like to be able to control who I let in! I am not really
very trusting anymore! So I think those two descriptions kind
of describe me! I won't let anyone manipulate, that's for sure!
I can be extremely stubborn and difficult if necessary! You
don't want to make me angry either! I have been hurt many times
in the past and am more alert to letting anyone in who I don't
trust!
@MimiRemo (418)
• Philippines
8 Jan 10
You're welcome. I think it also good that we are able to identify ourselves with the kinds of boundaries, personalities and such. It means that we have asserted ourselves and our attitudes towards life and other people. We are aware or at least have an idea of what people think of us, too.
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