Don't marry a dummy, you'll be bored to tears?

@dawnald (85129)
Shingle Springs, California
January 7, 2010 1:16pm CST
Something I read yesterday. It started off being a discussion about how you should get to know your partner really well before getting married. There are going to be surprises no matter what you do, but why marry somebody who is going to hate everything that you love and push you to do things you hate? But one of the things mentioned to determine compatibility was intelligence. And what it said, more or less, was not to marry somebody who has an IQ that is more than 15 points different than yours, because the smarter person is eventually going to get bored and there will be lack of respect, resentment, etc. Now to me, IQ is just a number, a guide, not a hard and fast gauge of intelligence, but I did get the person's point. I don't expect a partner to be interested in everything that I am. And I don't expect them to understand things the way that I do all the time. But if I were partnered with somebody who constantly had trouble even grasping what I was saying, that would be a real problem for me. How high is this one on your list?
6 people like this
18 responses
@thea09 (18305)
• Greece
7 Jan 10
Intelligence is an absolute must for me. It's fine to be incompatible over somethings but not intelligence. Plus you need an intelligent interest in some of the same things. Now is this theory by any chance from the guy who usually gets all things a bit wrong?
2 people like this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Jan 10
It's a must for me too, though the person doesn't have to be smarter than me, just smart enough to keep up, interested in learning, etc. Yes, same site.
@thea09 (18305)
• Greece
7 Jan 10
Do you get the same idea as me that he isn't actually married?
2 people like this
@thea09 (18305)
• Greece
7 Jan 10
And probably can't get a girlfriend either.
2 people like this
@Orea15 (281)
• United States
7 Jan 10
As for me personally, I am much more turned on by a sharp mind/sharp wit than a sharp body! But to be really frank here, my husband is not as smart as I am. He is smart, and he is brilliant in areas of which I am ignorant. He is one of those "good guys" who would have been passed over by many women because he didn't dress nicely or present himself well. He is a hard worker, he has honesty and integrity, and he has been wonderful to me for 35 years, 37 if you count our engagement, etc. Yes, you need to get to know someone and look below the surface. And I do think your intellects have to be within calling distance of one another. I knew a guy once with an IQ of 185, not as a romantic interest, more like an adopted brother. The gap was really too much. I feel sorry for him because it is really hard for him to find an intellectual peer. That must be very lonely. (He chased me away by hitting on my husband!)
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Jan 10
My husband isn't as smart as I am either, at least not on paper. But he is smart differently. He's good at things that I am not such as math and mechanical things. But our IQ is close enough together that we can have intelligent conversations. You're right, with a huge discrepancy, you would have a problem.
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Jan 10
Mine doesn't forget to stop, he just comes home with the wrong items.
@Orea15 (281)
• United States
7 Jan 10
Yes, it sounds like you are describing my guy. He majored in physics at a good school (where me met), so obviously he is no doofus. And he is good at mechanical things, and building things, and he is a whiz with computers and electronics. My talents lie elsewhere. That said, he was supposed to stop for groceries on the way home and he forgot. So, it's leftovers again tonight! LOL
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (63194)
• United States
11 Jan 10
Its pretty high on my list and part (granted a relatively small part) of why I'm still single.
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (63194)
• United States
12 Jan 10
More, no smart men wanted ME... I do have one I like, he's maybe not as smart as I am, but smarter than the rest of them AND good looking besides! Too bad he's got a MAJOR commitment problem!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
12 Jan 10
Some smart men are not so smart when it comes to women (vice versa too)...
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
11 Jan 10
No smart men out there... (Dawn ducks missiles)
1 person likes this
@zed_k4 (17589)
• Singapore
7 Jan 10
Wow.. this is deep. But let me try a light one. Just as long as the person is not a vain pot, it'll do in my list. I can tolerate half a dummy, but not a selfish vain pot..
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Jan 10
Were you talking to me? I was just checking my makeup... Yust kidding, I agree on that point!
2 people like this
@zed_k4 (17589)
• Singapore
9 Jan 10
Nice one, Dawny.. Oooooh yeah, you've got a hair near your nose.. let me brush it off for you, LOL..
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
12 Jan 10
@yugasini (12836)
• Anantapur, India
7 Jan 10
hi dawnald, my parents select my life partner,in India mostly people select their spouses by arranged marriages,the elders will accompany with the spouse(mostly men) visiting girls house/place where they see the girl and select,if both are agreeing,then the elders of both will discuss other things of other formalities according to their will and pleasure,have a nice day
2 people like this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Jan 10
It's kind of hard to get to know the person and decide if their traits are desirable or not in an arranged marriage. Then again the statistics show that arranged marriages do pretty well, many of them.
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
7 Jan 10
Normally I would agree with what you have just said but my own personal experience goes against this concept.As you know I have a son with several learning disabilities including dyslexia and some reasoning problems. so he is not the sharpest knife in the drawer.He does have however, a lot of common sense as is father used to say that that was an uncommon thing to have.Apart from working with his father he has only held low paying jobs but has great work ethics and an endearing, happy personality that makes him very popular with everyone. He has been 7 years married to a lady who is now doing her PHD. She is a math and science genius and they have known each other for about 12 years. My son supported her ambitions and looked after their child whilst she was at College/University. He makes sure that when she is studying then there is no housework for her to do or coking. They have a very happy marriage and she appreciates this 6'3"gentle giant that she is married to. They both play sports avidly, like the same music, cook together, and love each other and their son so very much. She manages to push aside academia when she comes home and they enjoy their time together. They also attend the same Church. It is a great little family unit. Their son shows no signs of dyslexia or any learning disabilities. He is nearly five and tests well above average, and is reading grades ahead of his age. It nay take a lot of explaining to get my son to understand a different concept but he is great with machinery and the kindest man you could ever meet. I think that she gets her intellectual stimulation at work and appreciates the wonderful human being that he is. Long may it continue.
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (157047)
• United States
8 Jan 10
Your daughter in law exhibits her intelligence by knowing a treasure when she finds it. The other thing is, he may be quite gifted in many ways, some learning disabilities are common in the uncommonly intelligent, Your son is life and relationship gifted and that is much better than taking paper tests well and living in academia. They seem to value each other a lot.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Jan 10
Well now... People are all different and there are always exceptions to any rule. But I would say that your son is smart differently and that there is some common ground there for them to talk about or it wouldn't work.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48686)
• United Kingdom
10 Jan 10
I always thought top of the list was love ?????????? I guess yes some of that is true but if there is real Love there and you have been with the Person say 2-3 years you would know but again after Marriage it can change I agree with that, so I say live with the Person for a while and you will find out then So many People are against Couples living together when they are not married, but I say it is good as they will then learn about each other and they will know if their Love is strong enough to get over all the Hurdles
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
11 Jan 10
The top of this list is love, but if you end up not respecting the person, the love isn't going to last. There's a lot of controversy about whether living together is a good or a bad thing. I don't pretend to know which is better...
@GardenGerty (157047)
• United States
7 Jan 10
I do not necessarily agree with this. I think it is more likely to be boring if the person does not like to learn or experience new things. As you say, IQ is just a number, and just because someone is a person who can take standardized tests well and show up with a "High IQ", does not mean that they are an interesting and interested person. I do agree that it is important to know someone really well before you marry that person.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Jan 10
Excellent point. Somebody may be just as smart or smarter than you on paper, but if they have no interest in you, what you're saying, what you like, it's meaningless.
@Orea15 (281)
• United States
7 Jan 10
I agree, the IQ test only measures a narrow breadth of things. But a lively and inquisitive mind is a wonderful thing and more than makes up for it.
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
10 Jan 10
I actually have a pretty good IQ but I don't think I'm very bright...I can be really thick sometimes. I have very little common sense or street smarts...I can do those IQ quizzes quite well but I'm not good at thinking on my feet on day to day issues. However, I do like to learn (even if I don't retain the info) so I can admire and respect someone smarter, cleverer and more intelligent than me provided they were also patient...as for me...I don't have the patience or tolerance to deal with someone less clever than I am. I also cannot tolerate those who cannot spell and use incorrect grammar. So they have to be educated as well. One of my friends has a learning disability and is unable to spell or even sound out words to spell them, he reads like a first grader, and mispronounces words (wild instead of while, far instead of fire, tar instead of tyre) and gets his grammar wrong in a number of ways...I know I'm bad but I mentally cringe every time he speaks.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
11 Jan 10
My brother is the family genius, but he's not terribly long on common sense either. And I have a few online friends who cannot write well at all, but I have somehow managed to get over the impulse to correct their grammar as it would only piss them off and, other than that, not change anything anyway.
@savypat (20216)
• United States
7 Jan 10
his is pretty high on my list, but even if my hubby knows little to nothing about what I am thinking, we have been married a very long time. He may not know what I think but I know nothing about the things in which he is an expert. I think that if we were more alike we both would have been bored a long time ago. I know I rank higher on the IQ scale but that doesn't help me communicate with animals or fix the barn door etc.
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Jan 10
It's OK not to have all the same interests, but if you can't even communicate now and then, that's pretty bad.
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Jan 10
@Theresaaiza (10487)
• Australia
8 Jan 10
I really can't imagine that an IQ test might end up ruining my 5-year relationship in case the results turn out unfavorable. I am pretty sure though that my BF doesn't have an IQ of a beetle, neither is mine, and I am pretty relieved by that. I think right now what matters is the EQ. Well yeah, maybe at the start, we might wanna try on a little IQ and EQ test before we go down deep. ALthough somehow I find it rather lame to measure the possibility of a great realtionship by the IQ of a person. If I meet a person who couldn't even understand what I am talking even if we speak the same language, then I definitely wouldn't agree on a second date.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Jan 10
You probably have a good feeling for whether the person can keep up with you intellectually without submitting them to a test!
@PeacefulWmn9 (10420)
• United States
8 Jan 10
There is a point to this. No one is exactly like another and partners will seldom agree on everything or share everything in common, but...for the most important things in life, yes, there truly should be common ground to keep the bond interesting and growing through the years. If you run out of things to talk about or to do together, there's bound to be some trouble. Karen
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Jan 10
Lots of trouble, potentially.
@larish (2191)
• Philippines
28 Jan 10
You are correct but I think aside from the Intellectual Quotient, it is also important that you have the same values. Most decision making will be based on ones values. Physical attraction will deteriorate but the sense of humor and the level of intellect is very important because it will sustain the relationship because if you are too old to be touchy, most of your time will be spend chatting/talking, sharing stories.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 Jan 10
Yep, values are perhaps the most important thing of all.
• Philippines
8 Jan 10
If I am to spend my life with one person, he's got to be able to trigger my mentality, he's got to be the type I can talk about anything under the sun, even the boring ones, the odd ones, corny ones, and he's got to have the brains to help me solve my own problems
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Jan 10
I agree completely.
@royal52gens (5488)
• United States
8 Jan 10
That is one that is high on my list. You have to be able to communicate on the same level at least most of the time. I don't know that I would get bored with a dummy but I would get frustrated with one. I don't want to spend my life teaching an idiot. I would also be embarrassed to be seen in public with a dummy.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
8 Jan 10
I would get bored and frustrated. But I'd get even more frustrated with somebody who wasn't interested in learning anything.
@jillhill (37354)
• United States
7 Jan 10
VEry high......I don't think I could be married to someone that couldn't comprehend things....my DIL is that way to an extend...and it drives my son bonkers!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Jan 10
uh oh must have married her for the boobies? :-)
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
7 Jan 10
hi dawnald yes theres a lot of truth in that. And It was pretty high on my list but fortunatly I married a man who did seem to grasp what I was saying all the time. He was intelligent enough but did not pursue studying quite as hard as I did, but I was the over educated one. I dont think that really there was too much difference in our IQs although he always thought mine was higher than his, it was just that I was more committed to going back for my degree.We got along well so we were more or less in tune with our mental capacities.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
7 Jan 10
Lots of very smart people are not in to formal education...
@suprad1 (251)
• India
8 Jan 10
No doubt the IQ funda works in a relationship. But it is the co ordination between the two that can blend lives together. They both have to have different identities and add up with a lot of trust and mutual respect for whatever the other is. This will make a wonderful relationship.
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