What kind of message?
By TheRealDawn
@dawnald (85135)
Shingle Springs, California
February 25, 2010 12:05pm CST
OK, I get that people are focused on beauty. Men would much rather look at a young, beautiful woman than her grandma. I get that. I enjoy looking at a fine example of the male persuasion myself. But I do think we are too focused on physical beauty in our culture and not enough on intelligence, confidence, character and other desirable traits.
Now this may seem like a digression, but it's not. Last night Lindsey Vonn fell during her first giant slalom run in the Olympics. Julia Mancuso was in the middle of what looked to be a very competitive run, but she was stopped in the middle due to Lindsey being down, due to it being a safety concern.
In today's paper there was an article that suggested that Mancuso was a bit bent out of shape due to all the attention that was paid to Lindsey Vonn by the press. First words out of R's mouth, "that's because she's pretty." Well scuse me, but I've seen pictures of both of them, and both are very nice looking young women. But that's not the point. The point is that I object to the idea that one skier has more worth than the other because she's more commercially good looking.
I have two daughters. One has blond hair and blue eyes, and if she didn't already come pretty well equipped to defend herself, ie sharp tongue, I'd probably be beating the guys off in a few years. Her younger sister has brown hair and blue eyes and is very pretty too, but I'm not sure she's going to be quite as drop dead gorgeous as her sister. And no, I would never tell her that. They are both equally beautiful in my eyes.
But the point is, what kind of message is it sending to those two girls when their father says, as if it's the most natural thing in the world, that one woman is rightfully getting more press because she's prettier than the other one?
10 people like this
19 responses
@sleepylittlerose (1648)
• United States
25 Feb 10
Having watched the TODAY show this morning they tried to explain exactly what was happening here. They said that the officials had stopped Julia becuase of the safety issue. Something about the fact that since Lindsey was tied up in the safety netting if Julia had gone off course it could of been catosrohic for both of them. But Julia was upset becuase she was have a great run and was angered by them stopping her. They went on to explain that these two girls had been rivals for something like 12 or 13 years and that this was the event that Julia had thought was her golden ticket at these olympics. So if anyone should be blamed it is the officials that allowed her to start the run knowing that Lindsey was still on course. The result of her having to rerun was horrible becuase the conditions on the mountain and visibility worsened resulting in Julia ending up 18th after the first run.
I personally think both girls are stunning and it is a shame to see their friendship in turmoil over something that neither of them had any control over.
4 people like this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
25 Feb 10
She was having a great run. I was surprised they let her go too, but apparently it's all timed. Sad, but what can you do? That speed skater who got DQ the other day because of what his coach told him to do, that's sad too. But sometimes there is no way to make things fair.
3 people like this
@marguicha (215325)
• Chile
25 Feb 10
THat´s the new society for you, dawn. And we helped to create it so don´t blame anyone. We are to the blamed for giving importance to appearence instead of looking what lies underneath.
The society we live in is consumist. And as we have to buy (and keep on buying because everything is replacable), we don´t have time to really think for two seconds if it´s worth it part skin deep. That is for the food we eat, the gadgets we buy and the people we get near to. We have no disposition to make an effort to go past tohse first impresions.
The "blonde" type was created by Hollywood and the movies a long time ago. When I was young, the two sexiest women in the movies had to dye their hair to meet the standards. I am referring to Marilyn Monroe (who wasn´t very blonde to begin with) and french actress Brigitte Bardot. So the movies sold a package that said "Men like them blonde" and dyed the actress so she could have the role. And isn´t it terrible that they had to keep on acting out of stage until they could not bear it any longer?
All this is not fair. What can WE do about it?
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
25 Feb 10
Dark Shadows...
My niece Sara had her mom out running around like crazy looking for reasonably priced "skinny jeans" because she was the only kid on the planet who didn't have them. Dearra's not too into what everybody else is wearing. I think she obsesses more over not appearing dumb than anything.
2 people like this
@marguicha (215325)
• Chile
25 Feb 10
You know, I think all this is very complex. I taught my children good values and then I asked myself: dod I prepare them for life? I´m glad to say they are doing fine, but with a lot of work.
As for teenagers: I remember when my children were little and hated us for not letting them see that TV show of the vampire (Barnabas Collins, forgot the name but we were addicted). They said that they were "the only girls in the whole school" who did not see it. I have my doubts now. But even if it was that way, I felt I could not let 8 year old kids see a vapire story just before bedtime.
At school there are always bullies that mock at others because they don´t have this or that. We had that problem too. I had to talk to them that we gave them other things the other children weren´t recieving. It´s easier to give the money for the best gym shoes that to spend a bit of your time doing things together. But children don´t realise it always and I think it´s not manipulation to let them know it.
3 people like this
@GardenGerty (157546)
• United States
25 Feb 10
Beauty is so subjective, it is hard to say that girl is prettier than the other one. I know that it is ridiculous for a parent to support that kind of false belief, but some of them do. It is sad, really. Youngsters doubt themselves so easily, and they internalize all the "information" floating around their head, that you have to guard what is said around them. A casual, unthought out statement can do lots of damage.People really should be careful.
3 people like this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
25 Feb 10
It is very subjective. I remember a conversation with myself, R, my sister and her boyfriend at the time about a woman on TV. My sister and I thought she was absolutely gorgeous. The guys rolled their eyes and said, "you're women, what would you know about it!"
1 person likes this
@polachicago (18716)
• United States
25 Feb 10
Unfortunately, you are right.
I have double postgraduate degree. During my university years I was working as a photo model. Some of my male friends used to put more volume on my modeling than on my education. I am blond with green eyes. I get so many complains about my look, but not even one about my knowledge and my education. In the contrary I have hear more jokes about blonds than anyone else. Those jokes are by man who didn't finish college, but has a nerve to tell me jokes about blonds and stupidity.
Women in the other hand are fair and look at you for who you are, not how you look.
90% of my friends are female friends.
@polachicago (18716)
• United States
26 Feb 10
easier target! exactly, they don't like smart and independent woman....2 people like this
@BarBaraPrz (45472)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
25 Feb 10
I don't know, but I think hubby needs another "technical adjustment upside the head".
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
25 Feb 10
I have two sisters. They're 5' 3" and slim still despite age. They are also small boned like my mother was. I was always told that I 'took after my father' as I am 5' 5" and thought that this was too tall. Also my hips were 37" and therefore I was told that I was fat even though my waist was 26". so there I was - too tall and too fat.
The sister above me was blond and beautiful, and the eldest was blessed with rich chestnut coloured hair. I was dark haired and the saddest part of my life is that I was never told, whilst growing up, that I was beautiful. I never believed it when told how beautiful I was in teens and onwards. Never really believed it until one of my sons who was then in his early twenties was looking at old photos of me and remarked how beautiful I was. I looked at the photos and had a light bulb moment as I was truly beautiful and never knew it. How pathetic is that?
Need I say more?
slap him hard if he ever makes a negative comment about Naomi.
2 people like this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
25 Feb 10
I don't think he would ever direct anything at either of the daughters or I would whack him, but still!
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
2 Mar 10
How to undermine a girl's confidence in one fell swoop.
He may think he's stating a simple fact but that's because stupid, thoughtless people think and feel that way, mostly males and betchy females. This is not just sending a chauvinistic, politically incorrect, negative message but the message from father to daughter is just poisonous. Shame on him 
@zandi458 (28102)
• Malaysia
26 Feb 10
By your description, they are both gorgeous. They have their own individual beauty and the genes come from the same factory! So you are going to have tough times soon. You have yet to see my two adopted daughters. Both of the come from different makers. The elder one has dark complexion having the sexy mouth of noemi campbell but a bit short while the other is fair and has a deep set eyes. Sometimes they questioned me why they don't look like my biological sons and since I've not told them that they are adopted I have to make a lot of excuses like they might have inherited their skin tone from their grandparents who have long gone.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
26 Feb 10
Are you going to tell them?
yep they are both very pretty in different ways...
@zed_k4 (17589)
• Singapore
26 Feb 10
Inner beauty is something that will always lasts. Outer beauty is a bonus to have, but it fades with time. And what remains is inner beauty, of course. If you ask me, Dawn.. there are different categories of beauty. There are the understated beauty, obvious beauty, fake beauty, natural beauty and intelligent beauty. And the list goes on. That's why maybe people come out with the saying beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. Where one thinks a blonde is sexy and gorgeous, there will be another one that will think a redhead or a brunette sizzles. Those are bonus beauty, but the personality is the one that will shine. I do realize that beauty is very subjective and there will always be debates and thoughts on this. On another note, I think both of your daughters will grow up to be fine ladies and their personalities will definitely shine through.. 
1 person likes this
@zed_k4 (17589)
• Singapore
27 Feb 10
I think I have to agree with you for sure..
I take it that Naomi is the blonde one and Dearra is the brunette..
Even if they have a great sibling relationship, others might make comparisons..we can never stop people's mouths and them making negative comments. So the best is to educate Naomi and Dearra to respect one another and no matter what people think, say or do, they are each beautiful in their own right.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
26 Feb 10
Dearra is very shy and Naomi isn't so much, so I'm thinking Naomi is going to have more attention anyway.
I just don't want them making comparisons to one another and one of them feeling somehow that she's not as good or something...
1 person likes this
@3SnuggleBunnies (16374)
• United States
25 Feb 10
Sadly if you are not good looking thats the way the media treats you. That first physical impression works til you get to know someone. I think that gal may be rght but should of kept her opinion to herself to save face.
2 people like this
@p1kef1sh (45681)
•
25 Feb 10
Surely it their ability that matters. If one is more photogenic than the other well I suppose that it is human nature to feature her more. It's not right, but beauty sell. In truth I pay very little attention to appearance. But then I prefer my ladies more mature............
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
25 Feb 10
I are mature..
Oh wait..
runs off chasing butterfly...
@hagirl (1295)
• United States
26 Feb 10
I have friends that are pretty not gorgeous on the outside but their inside is extraordinary.... I hang with them because of commonality, they make me laugh and we have a lot of fun.... I think we have gotten a way from what makes us laugh and learn ... Looks are not always what they perceive to be but intelligence can rule all...
@vandana7 (98778)
• India
11 Mar 10
Hi Dawn, I am going to be real bad here. :( Pl. dont remove me from your list of friends though. :( Well, what is the use in being angelic to her at home, when outside she can get pretty much the differential treatment - and she realizes it! So you want to patronize her? You think that is right? :) From grown up angle, I have to admit, looks are the easiest way to get friends, get attention, and in general get one's way. But she does have other attributes which the older one doesnt have! Why not focus on those at all times so that she excels in them, and is considered the best in her field. I'd also be honest with my daughters, look - today in this crowd - you may be good looking, but there can always be somebody better sooner or later. So that should not be the focus. Try to find a niche for yourself where you will reign for real long time. :)
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
11 Mar 10
My girls are pretty differently and that's what I would tell them.
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
11 Mar 10
Hm, what do you consider to be patronizing?
@vandana7 (98778)
• India
11 Mar 10
While I would never go around calling my older one the most beautiful when the younger one was around, I would also not tell the younger one that she is beautiful -even if she is - that is what I meant by patronizing. (Pl. forgive my lack of command over English - I couldnt come up with any other word near to that. )What is the point? She would know she is not as beautiful her sister - by telling her no sweetheart you are also pretty. If she believes me I am only setting her up to be unhappy amongst the crowd outside as she would be developing an image of herself similar to that of her sister and others would bring her down to ground.
I may be wrong of course. But in general, young girls dress and copy hair styles of film actors they consider beautiful, hoping that they look like these actors! So I think the psychological image that the child might develop about herself would be something like her sister. It may be ok within family, people outside may not be as kind. In fact, if there are differences, they will ask why the differences are there! So the girl should be equipped with something that gives her confidence, and not something that puts her on defensive. Hope I have conveyed it correctly this time. Thanks for not deleting my name. I just hurt another person, without any intention to do so. :( Young girl. :( I am feeling very bad. I should have been careful with my choice of words. :( I apologized of course. But I am not sure she will be ok. :(
1 person likes this
@Cutie18f (9551)
• Philippines
26 Feb 10
Well, that's how showbusiness works. The prettiest ones are more popular and get chased by paparazzis more often than the lesser gods. They look good on the glossy covers and on the tube so they get more attention--which is actually very shallow. A person's character and integrity should likewise call as much attention but it seems like the world is getting shallower and shallower everyday, paying more attention to externals. Look what happened to some celebrities who try to look perfect and have to undergo the knife just to achieve physical perfection. I do not want to mention names but people who know about these surgeries are also the ones to say nasty things about these artificial beauties. In the first place, it's their preference for physical beauty that has driven many of these people to go under the knife. It's a very weird world we have.
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
25 Feb 10
I don't think the girls were there when he said it, so I didn't have to slap him!
@tamarafireheart (15384)
•
26 Feb 10
Hi dawnald,
That has always been the case, when me and my friend go out, people will always talk to her first as she is prettier then me, even thought we are a lot older now but that is alwways been the4 case, people still go for looks rather then brains, its a man thing I think.
Tamara
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
26 Feb 10
More a man thing than not, but not exclusively...
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
26 Feb 10
It saddens me how shallow society is! My daughter is only eight years old and she is already comparing herself to other girls and fears not being pretty enough. I think she’s beautiful and I don’t just see her exterior; she’s a beautifully natured little girl, kind and sensitive and that’s what makes her a real beauty! External beauty is not only subjective but it is something that, according to the shallow views of society has been given to some and not to others so the ones who weren’t bestowed are somehow lesser than, it is ridiculous and cruel, as if anyone has any control over how they are going to look! It’s crazy and it puts so much pressure and stress especially on young girls, so unnecessary but how can it ever change when the media reports stuff like that? Your husband probably made the comment out of habit because that is what is drummed in to us everywhere!
1 person likes this
@bystander (2292)
• Philippines
28 Feb 10
if there is anger management, there is also managing differences. in that case, you manage the differences to make it appear that they are equal. you can balance it with traits rather than physical attributes. also, proper and careful use of adjectives is a must in talks about attributes and good traits.
@cycomz (72)
• Philippines
26 Feb 10
hmm..maybe some people are just too honest and too careless..just like you, maybe that man doesn't want her daughters to hear what he said, and maybe, just maybe, he was just too careless of his words..you and him differ only in letting the children hear what you both believe..but you both believe that the other one is prettier..and most probably, I will be just like you believing the same thing when I already have my own children..please don't get offended, I'm just trying to open some realities..scary ones..God bless..
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
26 Feb 10
With him, it just comes out of his mouth. With me, it's almost always been chewed over 9 or 10 times first. Sometimes I wish he would just take a few deep breaths first.
