Not what I want or what I need...

@dawnald (85137)

• Shingle Springs, California

23 Mar 10

he's not choosing his battles, he's not speaking up EVER

abitcurious

@abitcurious (1422)

• Philippines

23 Mar 10

are you like them also? I sometimes do that too.

1 person likes this

tamarafireheart

@tamarafireheart (15384)

•

23 Mar 10

Hi dawnald, Hde doesn't want a conflict, so he is in hiding, lol! but my hubb don'at agree with me all the time, so we have a barney, then later on, he realize the I was right in the first place, I am right about most things in this house but he likes to think that he is, but if your hubby agree agree with you all the time, he is just trying to please and that is not the answer and sooner or later it will come to a boiling point of no return. Tamara

2 people like this

@dawnald (85137)

• Shingle Springs, California

23 Mar 10

a barney?

1 person likes this

@dawnald (85137)

• Shingle Springs, California

23 Mar 10

thought so!

tamarafireheart

@tamarafireheart (15384)

•

23 Mar 10

Hello dawn and oshy, Thanks oshy for clarifying that, yes a barney is just one big argument and then we move on, never last five minutes, and then we are ok, I always ends it by calling him a silly old bas***d, lol!. He is seven years younger than me. Tamara

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tessah

@tessah (6617)

• United States

23 Mar 10

its really hard being with a "yes man" or woman. specially if it leads to fighting because of built up resentments just simply because the person didnt speak up in the first place. same as you.. i want someone who is HONEST with me.. disagreements or differences of oppinions shouldnt lead to fighting. people are unique.. so are their thoughts and ideas. if you arent able to express those openly and without being timid with the person yer with.. why are you with them?

2 people like this

@dawnald (85137)

• Shingle Springs, California

23 Mar 10

yeah, that's what I'm wondering...

paula27661

@paula27661 (15811)

• Australia

25 Mar 10

I can relate with what you’re saying because my husband and I have major communication issues. I often get the feeling that he goes along with what I want so as not to rock the boat but, because he holds his feelings inside (something he is really good at doing) I sense it builds up and turns into resentment and then out will come the odd sharp comments like, “Some of us have to go out and work, you know…” We both agreed I should stay at home, write and take care of our daughter and the house…Did he agree? Or did he just say yes to appease me? I’m not sure if it’s just a guy thing but I agree with you in regards to it being quite healthy to disagree sometimes and speak up at the beginning, not hold feelings in. Is it just men?

2 people like this

@dawnald (85137)

• Shingle Springs, California

25 Mar 10

It's not just men. I do it too, but our reasons are different, I think.

1 person likes this

sulynsi

@sulynsi (2669)

• Canada

23 Mar 10

Hi Dawn, I hope you don't mind, but I think it might be wise to back away slowly. Certainly, give it much more time, and a wider berth. There are two unpleasant possibilities: He's hiding the truth or he's damaged from a previous relationship in life. Neither of which bodes well. Then again, he may be an absolutely wonderful guy!

2 people like this

@dawnald (85137)

• Shingle Springs, California

23 Mar 10

he doesn't have a previous relationship, what he does have is a bend over backward to please everybody all at once mother...

@TigerSpirit (320)

• Australia

23 Mar 10

And this is why I'm still single! LOL It's bad enough when I'm of two minds.. the last thing I want and need to deal with, is an external 3rd mind. They wouldn't know which of my two minds to agree with which would only send them mental. lol

2 people like this

cloudwatcher

@cloudwatcher (6861)

• Australia

23 Mar 10

You only have two minds? I usually have several and have to weed them out gradually. Thankfully, the right one usually comes out on top.

1 person likes this

@dawnald (85137)

• Shingle Springs, California

23 Mar 10

A third mind that yo yos me around and is very confusing, I might add...

Heather Echola

@GardenGerty (169450)

• United States

23 Mar 10

It is scary in a way not to be able to have an honest discussion. Just as bad would be any time you would criticize he would then start to kick himself and say what an awful person he is. Been there, done that. Right now, I am in a place where I can express myself, say what I think, listen, and sometimes agree with the other opinion, and sometimes be a meany, but apologize later, etc. In other words, pretty equal give and take, and it feels really good. Hope you can get there with someone, somehow. It is good to have two adults in a relationship.

1 person likes this

grow up

@dawnald (85137)

• Shingle Springs, California

23 Mar 10

have you met him? this is exactly what he does....

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@TigerSpirit (320)

• Australia

23 Mar 10

"Right now, I am in a place where I can express myself, say what I think, listen, and sometimes agree with the other opinion, and sometimes be a meany, but apologise later..." Ditto here too.

2 people like this

cloudwatcher

@cloudwatcher (6861)

• Australia

23 Mar 10

Logic tells me there is one way out - force him to express his opinion first. Instead of expressing your opinion and asking him what he thinks, state the case and ask for his opinion before revealing yours. That should lead to a discussion where you can pose alternatives. Men! You have to treat them like children sometimes.

1 person likes this

logic

cloudwatcher

@cloudwatcher (6861)

• Australia

23 Mar 10

Yes - just the same way we teach our children to think for themselves.

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@dawnald (85137)

• Shingle Springs, California

23 Mar 10

I seem to recall I've done this in the past and gotten "what do you think"? But I guess I could just not tell him until he's told me his opinion.

@TigerSpirit (320)

• Australia

23 Mar 10

Or he could end up revealing a poker face because he doesn't know how to answer, so he comes up with "I'll have to think about that one."

1 person likes this

mr_pearl

@mr_pearl (5018)

• India

23 Mar 10

Hiiiii Miss.... You might not appreciate my opinions much, I guess; but before going to that, let me assure you that no one can 'criticize kindly'. ;) I know how your hubby is being with you.. I have been a guy like that for years and I still am!!! I never directly disagree with my girl... The reason: I don't want any argument... Instead of opposing her directly, I tell her the facts and the things related etc- in short, I strive to make her understand the truth... Most of the gentlemen do that.. Direct disagreement gives rise to a lot like arguments, fights, no speech sessions etc... And are those things helpful? NO, right? then why get into arguments etc... I completely agree with what you have said here.. And I am sure, if you could explain this to him, he will be more of 'what you want' next time... Trust me! He wants you to be happy and he'll do anything to make you happy... :) I have another suggestion (maybe, I sound stupid here, forgive me): Read this book- 'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus'.. I trust he has read it already...

Have a nice time!!

1 person likes this

arguments

couple

disagreement

mr_pearl

@mr_pearl (5018)

• India

24 Mar 10

Oh yes, I do that.. Without arguing with her upon any point, I simply say, 'Look hon, I see your point of view and I do understand. But I have some different thoughts...' Her reply is, 'Tell me now...' She readily assumes the receptable mood and understands me too.. Well... In your case, it seems as if he has his own plans and goes according to them. And in that process, with a genuine wish to keep your mood cool, he agrees with you upon every point. This isn't really uncommon... I think a conversation would be helpful. You can tell him what and how you feel about it and listen to what he has to say... Have a good time!

1 person likes this

@dawnald (85137)

• Shingle Springs, California

23 Mar 10

But the point is that you speak up. You tell her the facts as you know them and try to persuade her. He just goes along with what I say...

James72

@James72 (26790)

• Australia

23 Mar 10

Hi Dawn

Many people tend to get to a point in a relationship where they'll do all they can to avoid any confrontation whatsoever. If agreeing with anything and everything means that potential disaster is averted, then they'll go for it! Then hindsight kicks in and they realise that the outcome is not to their satisfaction and the disaster rears it's head anyway..... No matter what, a breakdown in communication is never going to end happily as you're well aware. In my opinion, the only way to overcome a dynamic like this is for both people concerned to feel that it's an open forum that's not necessarily going to lead to fireworks each and every time. There also has to be an acknowledgment of the fact that these issues exist in the first place! A bridge built halfway across a crevasse is pointless if you can never make it to the other side and will always have to return to where you started! I wish I had a million dollar answer as to HOW to build on your partner's belief that he can indeed speak freely, but to be very blunt here, whatever approach is being used today isn't working and alternative angles need to be considered. I wish you every success Dawn and I think it's great that you're working so hard to try and make things better. The fact that you're consistently seeking answers and personal growth is a wonderful thing!

1 person likes this

James72

@James72 (26790)

• Australia

23 Mar 10

I hope you manage to find common ground that benefits you both Dawn.

1 person likes this

@dawnald (85137)

• Shingle Springs, California

23 Mar 10

Jamesie, we've missed you around here!

Honestly, I'm almost past the point of no return here, but maybe not quite. Nope, today's approach isn't working. I've got him (finally) reading something constructive and we'll probably have lots of long discussions next week while the kids are at grandma's and then we shall see...

1 person likes this

@dawnald (85137)

• Shingle Springs, California

23 Mar 10

he gets all the rolling hills in Africa and I get the ones in California?

PS where were you, I missed my shower last month!!!

sarahruthbeth22

@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)

• United States

23 Mar 10

It is the "Yes Dear" syndrome. Smart husbands just say this phrase instead of starting Any conflict.But I would say the ame thing if every time I voiced my true view and it gets demeaned. have you ever asked him his true opinion and when he gave it , you insulted it? If so, he has learned that you will Always hate his view so why voice it. I would have felt the same thing! i would stop giving my view too. Yes dear is safer. why waste your time and breath if he isn't going to heard or understood.For me it wuld only take one time. One time of feeling that my view will be demeaned for me to Never voice my opinion again. But if you Never demeaned his opinion, then it could be that he has no opinion either way. He is assuming you will make up your own mind in time.I never knew this until recently but some people just want a sounding board. I am more like men . When I hear a problem I think quickly how to fix it. my sister told me some women just need someone to listen only! He could have assumed you needed to figure it out yourself. The problem is you may never know.If he is just trying to please you , he may Never tell you his true feelings about anything.

1 person likes this

@dawnald (85137)

• Shingle Springs, California

23 Mar 10

Well you may have hit upon something here. I'd say we have both demeaned each other's opinions at one point or another. It didn't start that way though, and the "yes dear" thing started before that, I'm pretty sure.

1 person likes this

@TigerSpirit (320)

• Australia

23 Mar 10

'It is the "Yes Dear" syndrome.' The TV show "Keeping Up Appearances" comes to mind. lol

2 people like this

sarahruthbeth22

@sarahruthbeth22 (43143)

• United States

23 Mar 10

If it started way before his opinion was trashed , then maybe it is his way of supporting your view, whichever view. He may not have a view either way. Or he will avoid a conflict by any means necessary.I want to say sit him down and talk to him but I fear he will Still say yes dear!

1 person likes this

zed_k4

@zed_k4 (17589)

• Singapore

23 Mar 10

Personal growth..tell me about it. I seem to be learning about new stuffs everyday that I think my head will explode..(but not literally) though. LOL..

Dawny, maybe opposites attract doesn't work for you...

. Too much right, I know. Sometimes we want someone to be of another personality, but no matter what they are just the way they are. No changes, zilch, none. -Gulps-..and that's when reality starts to sink in..

1 person likes this

zed_k4

@zed_k4 (17589)

• Singapore

26 Mar 10

The heart is always honest in these things..

@dawnald (85137)

• Shingle Springs, California

23 Mar 10

Too alike in some things, too opposite in others. I think it makes a bad mix...

1 person likes this

AnnieOakley1

@AnnieOakley1 (5596)

• Canada

25 Mar 10

My 2nd husband was like that. He never said what he thought or believed, not so much because of me (well, maybe a little) but mostly because of his upbringing. He was timid. Too timid. I would find out years later that something I had been doing had been bothering him for years, but he never spoke up, yet still blamed me for being inconsiderate. Like, HELLO?? How can I know what I'm doing upsets you if you don't tell me??? I asked him to speak up more, he said he would, he didn't, I left, we split up. I didn't feel comfortable being with someone who couldn't be honest. Like, he would say he would be home at a certain time for an event. But he couldn't say NO to anybody about anything. So, if someone asked him to do them a favour, he would go off and do that instead and be very late for the event, or not show up at all. He would apologize, but do it again, time and time again. I am like you, in some ways, as I used to keep everything bottled up. It was affecting my health, the Doctors said. So, I had to express myself. So, now I am sometimes too blunt, but at least I 'get it out there' instead of holding it all inside to continue to eat away at me. And yeah, I find men in general sometimes, just say that all we want is for them to agree with us. But it is only because they don't have the patience to 'listen' to us, because that is mostly what we want alot of the time. And they can't stand just listening and not doing anything about it. It is in their nature to "DO SOMETING TO FIX IT". But when they don't know what to do to fix it, they are baffled. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Kinda rings true. We all need to learn to speak the other's language if we are to work together towards a common goal.

1 person likes this

personal growth

relationships

AnnieOakley1

@AnnieOakley1 (5596)

• Canada

26 Mar 10

He was Portuguese, full blooded. Got the wedding pics and the beautiful olive skinned daughter to prove it. ha ha So, prolly not your guy.

1 person likes this

@dawnald (85137)

• Shingle Springs, California

26 Mar 10

Nope, mine is German, never been anywhere near Portugal...

@dawnald (85137)

• Shingle Springs, California

25 Mar 10

Can't say no to anybody? Are you sure we weren't married to the same person?

1 person likes this

purplealabaster

@purplealabaster (22085)

• United States

23 Mar 10

Oh yes, I know that story all too well. Unfortunately with mine, he would agree with everything that I said, so that I would think that there wasn't a problem. I would even make sure to ask several times whether he really agreed or was just saying that so we would not fight. He would get annoyed at my "constant nagging" after he had answered the question, which made me feel awful. Then, he would go and do whatever he wanted without telling me until after the fact that he had done it. No discussion or anything to let me know that he really did not agree, even after I gave him plenty of opportunity to discuss and he just said I was nagging. I am not sure which is worse (not disagreeing and going along and letting the anger build or not disagreeing and yet going and doing whatever you want anyway), but I definitely know that neither one of them are healthy.

1 person likes this

@dawnald (85137)

• Shingle Springs, California

23 Mar 10

Nope, not good, not good!

@dawnald (85137)

• Shingle Springs, California

23 Mar 10

He's starting to admit that too, but I'm not sure it changes anything for me. 99% of the time it just feels like he's telling me what he thinks I want to hear. Last week in counseling he did say some things that sounded genuine and I almost felt like crying (tears of relief, I think), but mostly it's all just trying to talk me around.

1 person likes this

purplealabaster

@purplealabaster (22085)

• United States

23 Mar 10

Unfortunately, he admitted afterward that it was his problem and his issue, but that did not change the situation. I am a firm believer that you should definitely try to talk through your problems and try to find a solution, but that does not work when you are talking to someone like this, because you never know what they are really thinking and feeling until it is too late. You have even been to counseling and it has not worked, so I really do not know what I can say to you other than I am sending you a hug!

1 person likes this

Gabs

@gabs8513 (48686)

• United Kingdom

23 Mar 10

You need to make it very plain to him Dawn that you want honesty not for him to agree to please you He has to realise that he is not helping by doing this He probably thinks he will loose you altogether if he does not agree with you and believe me I used to be like him in my Marriage but I was scared of my Ex I hope this works out I really do

1 person likes this

agree

@dawnald (85137)

• Shingle Springs, California

23 Mar 10

And I kind of have the same problem, which isn't helping...

Dumpertaker

@Dumpertaker (1187)

•

23 Mar 10

I really hate it when some just goes along with what is said just to make someone else feel better or something like that, it is a bad call and almost always causes more grief than not. I'm quite lucky that my cuddle Bunny will say if she does not think something is right, or if she does not agree. She isn't rude about it, but let's me know her thoughts. In my humble opinion, Richard needs to be comfortable with the fact that everybody is not the same (it would be a boring place if we were) and that disagreeing is not a bad thing, and can be helpful and constructive.

1 person likes this

@dawnald (85137)

• Shingle Springs, California

23 Mar 10

And I need to too...

BarBaraPrz

@BarBaraPrz (51818)

• St. Catharines, Ontario

23 Mar 10

Aw, dear Dawn...

1 person likes this

@dawnald (85137)

• Shingle Springs, California

23 Mar 10

scarlet_woman

@scarlet_woman (23463)

• United States

3 Apr 10

what i really hate is the "whatevers".no,not whatever.i wanted a frickin opinion! yes,no,maybe,SOMETHING? argh.

1 person likes this

@dawnald (85137)

• Shingle Springs, California

4 Apr 10

I wanted HIS opinion. I already know what mine is...

vanny

@vandana7 (102698)

• India

23 Mar 10

Hi Dawn, I cant be as wise as you are, and certainly cant fathom the exact nature of your relationship from the brief description you give me. But I do think people grow differently. We are not from some assembly line when everybody grows uniformly. :( Some people take time. As you yourself did. And so did I. We realized to disagree is not a bad thing, provided we have reasons which are acceptable. At times, even reasons are uncalled for. Not wanting to hurt you or disturb you shows to me that he is also a kind and gentle person at heart. Of course he differs and may have some very valid points. I dont know if it will work, but suppose you used Internet to arrive at crucial decisions! When we write we tend to deliberate, and can make our replies polite enough not to hurt. May be that will help. I am trying that with my father as of now. :) To an extent, it is better. :)

1 person likes this

@dawnald (85137)

• Shingle Springs, California

23 Mar 10

Yeah there's a kind hearted side or I wouldn't still be here.

cutelilbastart

@hexeduser22 (7418)

• Philippines

31 Mar 10

Sometimes I'm like your man,towards my girlfriend. My girlfriend is so hot headed so sometimes I just say okay to everything. Yes, it's so hard to be always on the agreeing side when you're actually disagreeing with something and when I reach my limit I explode and there goes another conflict. I'm like that sometimes because when I try to be honest with her there are times it results into conflict. Your man loves you and I'm saying it basing on what you have written. Sometimes it's better for us to be the one handling the pain but we are human too and sometimes we go over our limit and explode. As much as possible we try to understand and give you the best of everything even at the expense of our own happiness. Yes I know it's selfish but it seems that there are times it's the right thing to do

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