shocking situation bit of a dilemma
By TheRealDawn
@dawnald (85135)
Shingle Springs, California
March 28, 2010 10:58pm CST
I wrote a few days ago that a pipe had broken and the mom-in-law's place. It was something to do with her pumphouse (she has a well), and her house wouldn't have water until it was fixed. She didn't have the money, so we paid for it.
Yesterday she came over to watch the kids. She had said something about giving me a pendant or something. Turns out my sister-in-law wanted the pendant. So instead, she came over armed with her very best emerald ring.
See, when the in-laws left Columbia, sold their house, business, etc., they couldn't bring that much money into the country. So they bought a whole lot of emerald jewelry in platinum. She gave me two small rings some years ago, but I really thought this ring would go to her daughter or the oldest granddaughter or something.
Thing is, here I am seriously contemplating divorcing her son. She knows we've been in counseling, but she has no idea how bad things are. I couldn't tell her, but I protested. Her response, that she couldn't take the ring to the grave with her, and we had done so much for her.
Guess when the moment comes, I'll either offer to give it back or put it away from one of the girls. doesn't feel right doesn't feel right doesn't feel right...
9 people like this
28 responses
@vandana7 (98787)
• India
29 Mar 10
Hi Dawn, the feeling of obligation is both ways here. Your mother in law is feeling obliged to you, more so because of your marital problems. Many a girl would have chosen not to give, but since you did help, she is feeling she didnt value you enough, and is making up for it may be. But here is an oriental way of thinking that I've adopted. Your choices are
1. Reject the piece
In which event, your mother in law will be unhappy, but you will feel better. 50:50.
2. Accept the piece
In which case, your mother in law will be happy, but you will not. Again 50:50
3. Accept the piece and gift it to the sister in law your mother in law would have given it to under normal circumstances
Your mother in law will be happy, you will be happy, and so will the girl. 100 percent. :)
Of course, in all probability, your sister in law wouldnt want to take it. In which case, you can give it to your children! :)
But this is my way of tackling. :) I am not the wisest one around. :)
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Mar 10
My sister-in-law doesn't like the ring, that's why she didn't get it in the first place. but I can always offer...
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
29 Mar 10
i THINK IT WAS A NICE GESTURE ON HER PART TO SHOW THAT SHE CARES FOR U.It was very nice for y'all to have the the pipe fixed for her. Maybe she feels like i do & that u are going to be around for a long time. Since she didn't have the money to get it fixed it makes her feel better doing what she can.
1 person likes this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
29 Mar 10
I'm sure u would like to help her out if that happens but she is really not your responsibility she's r. She may have to make some changes in her own lifestyle. I really hope i never have to depend on my sons for any help at all.
@ronaldinu (12422)
• Malta
29 Mar 10
HI Dawnald. I don't want to interfere in your personal life. I know that when relationships get tough, the tough gets going. I think that you have reflected a lot about this before taking such a drastic step. I wish that you two could fix things and give each other the last chance. Sometimes it is not easy to patch up things when things have been going badly for several years. Relationships can be tricky. If I were you I would be flabbergasted that my mother in law thinks so highly of me. In case of divorce or separation, I would hand the ring to my daughter as you have suggested. That makes a lot of sense. It means she preferred you over her own daughter. She seems a terrific mother in law, she appreciated what you have done for her.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Mar 10
Actually she would have given the ring to her daughter, but she doesn't like it. And we do help her out a lot with money and work around her land and so on. Anyway, it will end up going to one of my daughters when they are older!
@MsTickle (25180)
• Australia
6 Apr 10
I know how you feel but I don't think you need to have any qualms in this regard. The rings are currency to your in-laws and you should graciously accept I feel. The lady is grateful to you and kindly showing her appreciation. In the long term, you might be divorcing Richard but his daughters will always be his daughters and ultimately they will be on the receiving end of the emeralds. 
1 person likes this
@scarlet_woman (23465)
• United States
29 Mar 10
hmm..maybe a safety deposit box?
that way you can show you're putting it away for the girls,and can't be questioned later.good idea with platinum anyway,i'd feel nervous just having it around.
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Mar 10
You know, I've never felt nervous wearing jewelry, but I feel a little funny wearing this around. It is a NICE emerald....
@kalav56 (11464)
• India
29 Mar 10
I can well understand your trauma.I think, you should ask her straight after the divorce matter is settled.From what you have written, I feel that she and you like each other.So, ask her for her honest opinion. Put the ball in her court and tell her what you feel.We cannot take rings to our graves but we always take our conscience with us .So, ask her and if she tells you that you can pass it on to your daughter then it is fine.Your daughter is still her grandchild and she may suggest it.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Mar 10
I like her OK though she does get on my nerves a bit...
@rajaiv0810 (1012)
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
Keep all the emeralds first and ask for more. 
Kidding aside, if in case things won't be fixed with you and your hubby then you may keep the ring and others. However, you will tell her that all those that she has give you will be passed trough her grandchildren. If you have a good relationship with your mum-in-law anyway i don't see anything wrong with it. In addition, your affiliation with her shouldn't stop even if you have divorced her son. Make her feel that in spite everything she will still be the grandmum of your children and you have the respect for her as a mother-in-law.
Kidding aside, if in case things won't be fixed with you and your hubby then you may keep the ring and others. However, you will tell her that all those that she has give you will be passed trough her grandchildren. If you have a good relationship with your mum-in-law anyway i don't see anything wrong with it. In addition, your affiliation with her shouldn't stop even if you have divorced her son. Make her feel that in spite everything she will still be the grandmum of your children and you have the respect for her as a mother-in-law. 1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Mar 10
I definitely want her in the childrens' lives. I didn't have a grandparent there when I was growing up and I"m glad that they do.
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
29 Mar 10
hi dawnald you are a really sweet kind person and you really should
wear that as your mother in law really wanted you to have it. but I
can understand how you must feel as she has been kind and has also
very much appreciated what you have done for her. Now you may be going
to divorce her son. wow, thats a sticky wicket as the brits would say.
Maybe it doesn't sound right but yet I feel that your mother in law might be hurt if you did not wear it. of course the final decision is yours ,not us pushy posters here. good luck whatever you decide to do. You are
a wonder for sure, always looking out for the others, but do look out a bit for dawn too, okay?
1 person likes this
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Mar 10
I'm wearing it right now. Dang, this is a nice emerald...
@SomeCowgirl (32191)
• United States
29 Mar 10
I'm sorry that sounds like a really really awkward situation, but who knows maybe you won't get the divorce and so won't have to worry about it in the future. It's so nice of your mother in law to offer the ring to you instead of to her daughter or one of her granddaughter's though.
@sunil_008 (1269)
• India
29 Mar 10
hi, i don't really know to feel sorry for the pipe or mike.but i hope you get all the platinum sets before leaving mike and his mother. or else i would definitely feel sorry. one thing i don't really understandf why people need counselors prior to divorce? while i think they best suit before the marriage...but anyway thanks for sharing your problem .hope we can give you and assist you in your problems like all other my lot members here ...
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Mar 10
the pipe or mike? 
People need counselors to try and learn how to communicate better. Sometimes it actually works...
People need counselors to try and learn how to communicate better. Sometimes it actually works...@sunil_008 (1269)
• India
30 Mar 10
of course pipe, am sure mike will be happy soon...may be you are right about the Counselor
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Mar 10
lol my daughter doesn't like it, maybe her sister will...
@marguicha (215346)
• Chile
29 Mar 10
Hi dawn,
I would tell her, if the occation comes, that you will save it for Dearra from her. What I mean is, you can tell her that you will not have it but its for her gradaughter. No matter what happens to your marriage, grandchildren will always be hers.
Besides, I bet you are a very nice daughter in law.
@lingli_78 (12822)
• Australia
29 Mar 10
i can understand what you mean and how you are feeling... i will feel very uneasy as well to receive the ring if i am contemplating to divorce her son... but if your mother-in-law really want you to have it, just take it for now and wear it... you can pass it down to your daughter or return it back to her when you divorce your husband... don't feel too bad about it as you are not the one who force her to give it to you... take care and have a nice day...
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Mar 10
Well that's true, I certainly did not force her...
@cream97 (29087)
• United States
30 Mar 10
Hi, dawnald. I am so sorry that you are going through this. If you ever have to give the ring back, then your sister-in-law will need to hear you out. If you don't want to hold onto to this ring, then give it back to her. Explain why and thank her for the ring. I hope that things will get better for you soon.
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
30 Mar 10
my younger daughter likes it, so maybe she will end up with it...
@Opal26 (17679)
• United States
29 Mar 10
Hey dawn~ I think that you did the right thing, for the moment
anyway. It would have been too difficult to try to refuse it
and then have to explain. If things go the way of the divorce
thing, and hopefully they won't then nothing needs to be said.
If things go the other way, then you can deal with it then!
But, for now at least she feels less obligated about taking
the money and that's what she wants. You did the right thing
so nothing to feel badly about!
@savypat (20216)
• United States
29 Mar 10
Just hang on to it, let things settle out and then do what makes you feel best. If you keep it you could say you are holding it for your oldest daughter, that way the divorce wouldn't come into it.
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Mar 10
I'll definitely make sure she doesn't have a problem with that. I don't think she will...
@paula27661 (15811)
• Australia
31 Mar 10
I’m sure she wants you to have the ring because she thinks a lot of you as a person and not just because you are married to her son. I can understand that you feel weird about her not knowing the entire situation and I guess you will have to talk to her about it eventually. I would keep the ring though, why not? You deserve it because you’re a nice person. My mother in law left me a ring when she passed away, I wear it all the time and I still would even if I was no longer with my husband because she and I loved each other irrespective of the fact that I am her daughter in law.
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
31 Mar 10
ah well, we will deal with it when we have to deal with it...
@kiran8 (15348)
• Mangalore, India
31 Mar 10
Hi dawnald, I feel that she has given it out of affection and you should take it in the same spirit and keep it with you no matter what happens between you and your husband. I have known many couple ,divorced but sharing a warm relationship with their in laws ...sometimes even a better relationship after the divorce...
@dawnald (85135)
• Shingle Springs, California
31 Mar 10
Maybe, but then, who knows? IF we split, she might resent me keeping it...
