Marriage in India
By maximax8
@maximax8 (31046)
United Kingdom
November 23, 2010 10:21am CST
I have heard that the parents like to arrange a marriage for the their grown up child. If the grown up child falls in love with someone that the family had chosen they might be trouble. Even though the law in India says that person can choose who they marry the parents want to arrange the marriage.
What do you think about whether it is right for the parents to choose?
Should the parents get angry if their daughter falls in love with a man of her own choosing?
2 people like this
18 responses
@vandana7 (100163)
• India
24 Nov 10
Maximax, great discussion.
I am against dowry system. But there is little I can do. I do feel that in a way girl agreeing to get into arranged marriage is shrewd. She knows she is taking away her parents' hard earned monies, denying them comfortable old age, and even making them indebted to whole lot of unscrupulous people. But she still would prefer to get married by paying hefty dowry instead of compromising.
I could never trust such a person Maximax. If the girl cant love her parents, with whom she grew up, she would hardly have any love for her in-laws, or even husband. My thoughts.
In any event, as per the original culture - it is the girl's right to select her husband - it is called "swayamvar". Priests and rich people have made it a business deal kind of thing.
1 person likes this
@headhunter525 (3548)
• India
25 Nov 10
I think dowry is more common among South Indian. For people in the north east we don't do such things. It was never part of the culture. Children are expected to be given something to start of their family in the olden days, say field, rice, etc but nobody is burnt or beaten for not bringing enough of those things. And moreover because marriages are mostly love marriage such dowry thing does not come into the picture. However, among the Manipuri ( excluding Nagas and Kukis of Manipur because they don't use the term for themselves) there is dowry system.
@skysuccess (8858)
• Singapore
24 Nov 10
vandana,
I am sorry but I kinda lost you when you mention that your country's marriage customs are IMPORTED from the European regions.
Really?
No offense, as I am actually seeking for a clarification of what I have learned from history and understandings from the Indian community.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (100163)
• India
24 Nov 10
Hi Skysuccess - even my memory is failing me now, but long ago - I read that one of the British princes married a Spanish or was it French or Portuguese princess, and at the time Mumbai (Bombay) was under their control. So it was given as a gift (dower). Not our custom for sure. Because as per original Hindu customs, a chaste girl who is married should not take monies from anybody other than her husband. Now, that means - the moment she gets married - her father and brother and others are outsiders for her. So she cant take monies from them.
The practical angle is something different. It is about share in property. In-laws are afraid that the girl's parents would be under influence of their son and his family, and will develop more affections for that child - eventually denying the girl of her rightful share. So they ask the girl to bring her share along. Many ask for more than her share as well creating a rift between the girl and her siblings.
@tutul0045 (2630)
• India
23 Nov 10
Hey,
Yes that is how it use to go in earlier days, but not anymore. In some cases its still like that, but in major cities people do pick their own partners.
If u ask me personally I believe parents have equal rights to interfere and guide their children even if they are grown ups. We Indians have a very rich culture and according to our culture and traditions there was a very good family planning system where everyone had a place.
With the western culture influencing our Indian life so much things are rapidly changing. What we need to understand that in the western world people aren't very happy this way and also the divorce numbers are quite high there. Which proves they aren't making the right choices, so why follow them.
Cheers,
Tutul
1 person likes this
@marguicha (222583)
• Chile
23 Nov 10
I agree with you that each culture has its own ways, equally respectable.
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@vandana7 (100163)
• India
24 Nov 10
Tutul - western influence? Dowry was not our culture at all!!! We imported it..
Sita's father didn't send Rama, Lakshmana, and their teacher to Ayodhya on a Chariot after their marriage. These people walked.
And he was a king. He could have given a fortune and sent them with full armed protection.
And she didn't go running to her parent during adversity. It is the duty of the pativrata to maintain herself. She cant even take help from her own parent in such case. So Sita worked in that Ashram, mopping floor, cooking, fetching water.... Not just sitting on one side, and expecting the aged parents to fend for her.
1 person likes this
@headhunter525 (3548)
• India
24 Nov 10
After all matchmaking is India's national hobby!
There are cases where child's choice goes against parental choice and so family goes through lot of quarreling, and sometimes even killing. However, to think that parents should not really bother about child's marriage or whom to marry is unthinkable. It would be like asking all the people in the UK to stop driving cars! Most of the time, I would say, parents don't force their child. Both the parties i.e child and parents, will say okay to the person and only then marriage takes place. It's not about parents forcing the child to marry against his/her wishes. That does not happen most often. If parents don't intervene and search bride/bridegroom for the child 80% of Indian children will remain unmarried!
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (100163)
• India
25 Nov 10
Yeah to a great extent that is true- 80 percent of Indian children would remain unmarried because nobody really dares to move forward - for all that the movies show.
Actually society too does not support the system. If there are differences people increase them instead of trying to help them solve it. This is because they have their monetary considerations to think of.
Funny thing is the custom is reverse in Muslim communities - they pay Mehr to get the bride. But... out here - even muslim communities take bribe. So much for following Koran and other scriptures.
1 person likes this
@headhunter525 (3548)
• India
30 Nov 10
Oh... I never knew that Muslims also take dowry here in India. (I guess you meant to say dowry, not bribes). Do you have idea about Sikhs? In the North East situation is different, generally speaking.
@vandana7 (100163)
• India
30 Nov 10
Yeah, I stand corrected. I meant dowries. Yes. They take dowries out here in South, which is completely against their scriptures. But for rest of the content in the holy book, they unite. Funny.
I am not aware about Sikhs. But I did hear that Punjabis pay hefty sums.
@skysuccess (8858)
• Singapore
24 Nov 10
maximax8,
As long as a country is allowing exceptions to customs and traditions, the line to draw will really be very difficult.
In India's case, she is not alone for I am sure you are aware of other religious countries that actually practice not only arranged marriages but child betrothal as well. It is so serious that daughters are being "honorably" killed for disobedient and defiant to the tradition and/or religion code.
I do not think outsiders like us can do much or we'd be seen as fiddling in their own backyard affairs. The people, the authorities and their religious leaders really need to get their acts together and grow out of it. Otherwise, I suppose we would just have to let them live and let live their customs.
Have a nice day.
@vandana7 (100163)
• India
24 Nov 10
I have given a detailed explanation in 1st page under Tutul's post, and part of it under my post. :) Sorry - it seems too much of typing. :)
In brief, wikipedia is silent on existence of dowry system in ancient India. In 1661 Portuguese king gave Mumbai to King Charles II of England as dower for his daugher Catherine of Braganza. At least that is what Wikipedia says under Dowry, and that is what I remember from my 7th grade history texts. So as far as I know, the custom was not ours.
@amirev777 (4117)
• India
24 Nov 10
Hi
I believe that love does not last forever, so just marrying someone with whom you have fallen in love, may not always mean a happy successful marriage. I am from India, and all my relatives whom I know, except few have had arranged marriages...and all of them have been successful with nil cases of divorce. Some of my friends who tried love marriages are not particularly having a good married life and are thinking of divorce. In marriage, what is important is compatibility.I believe you can certainly have an arranged-cm-love marriage, ie you can certainly fall in love with your spouse after marriage.
1 person likes this
@amirev777 (4117)
• India
25 Nov 10
hi vandana
Everyone in my family, incl myself and almost everyone in my wife's family; and now even my brother who is settled in US have had arranged marriages. I would nt say that their marriages were heaven, neither were they hell. There have been no instances of divorces - thats what that counts. Imagine falling in love deeply, marrying; and your marriage rocks for abt 5 years, by then differences start creeping, divorce is inevitable...but who suffers? the children off course.
@vandana7 (100163)
• India
25 Nov 10
Amirev sweetie - whether it is love marriage, or arranged marriage - the marriages will go through ups and downs. Those are inevitable in any relationship, even with your parents, your siblings, your best friends, and your children. But in love marriages you would know the 100 percent levels - something that I would say is god made and not man made.
Thanks for admitting though that their marriages were not exactly made in heaven. It is time people realized that arranged marriages are not exactly perfect always. You all are plain lucky if they were not hell. So - those who go through love marriages and break after a few years are plain unlucky as well, can't we say that? :) The problem is expectations of the boy and girl from India in love marriages are ridiculously high partly because of movies, and television serials.
And society does everything in its powers wittingly or unwittingly to retain the old ways like talking about the people as if they were an epoch making couple. And if they have differences saying it had to happen after all it was not an arranged marriage. Secret delights. And attempt to keep the monetary angle alive may be.
Nobody will come forward to help such people, and those who do get bad treatment as well.
So no - arranged marriages can be bad - especially if the person who is looking for some matches for his daughter or son has too much money, or has in the past rejected any of the family members of the person who could come up with good alliance, or has other reasons for which people would envy him or her. :)
@vandana7 (100163)
• India
25 Nov 10
Amirev - it is a business partnership that makes it successful. Love, you have to take chances. It is about taking chances to be 100 percent successful in life, or being satisfied with 60 percent. Generally, people who are 60 percent become the example out here for others, and you are not aware that there are almost 30 percent who are struggling in bad "arranged marriages" unable to come out because of monetary problems. So calling arranged marriages successful is not always right.
I know of a case in which the boy searched for a beautiful girl, they searched many matches, eventually they found one. Everything went well, the girl was truly very beautiful. After marriage, before nuptials the girl is left with her parents for the last time. From that day the girl didn't come to husband. Instead her parents are demanding monies otherwise the girl wont sign divorce papers. Now the boy has little choice but to shell down as otherwise he cannot find a match. His chances of finding a good match are out! So that was also an arranged marriage - and such things have become a racket. Risky, isn't it?
And I had a colleague. My aunt arranged her marriage - to a drunkard. :) Her parents did not bother to find out!!!
Not always true kiddo.
@sanjay91422 (2725)
• India
24 Nov 10
I think parents have their own reason to stop the child from getting married by heir own and then arranging the marriage by themselves. They fear from the society and the relatives. These days young people don't believe in cast system but the old people still care about it. They want their child to get married in the same cast. I have seen in such cases children run from home and get married and later the whole issue gets normal. I have seen this story in my own village 2-3 times.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (100163)
• India
24 Nov 10
Hi Sanjay - you have a point there. Parents have their friend and family circle to think of. But if my daughter wanted to marry a guy whom she liked, and trusted, I would defy the world for her happiness, and friends and family, social circle, blah blah are a small sacrifice in this context. Don't you think.
1 person likes this
@edigital (2709)
• United States
3 Dec 10
Not 100% correct. I far as I guess grown boys and girls there cannot choose their life partner wisely perfectly so their parents always not accept their affairs and mostly want arranged marriage. Before arranged marriage both the family collect necessary information of both the family and then select the bride and bridegroom. In Bangladesh also have same system. However, if anyone fall love and the both the boy and girl's family found o.k. then they accept the marriage.
@whyaskq (7523)
• Singapore
23 Nov 10
It is often said that parents know better and are wiser than their children. Hence, they feel it is appropriate to make the choice for their children. To a certain extent, they are right as most parents want the best for their children. It is just that children do not appreciate what their parents have done for them because they all have a mind of their own. I sometimes wish my parents would make the decision for me instead. Big decisions are hard to make and yet find someone to blame when things go haywire. LOL.
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (100163)
• India
24 Nov 10
Whyasq - if a child can appear for an interview without the parent sitting in the hall with him, why can't he select his or her spouse? I think this parent thingy is an excuse to get dowries, because parents negotiate the deal. Sadly the girls are also a party to the thing, willing to let their parents get into insurmountable debts for personal monetary gain. That is why the system continues to thrive. :(
1 person likes this
@youless (112481)
• Guangzhou, China
24 Nov 10
Of course the marriage should be decided by the couples rather than their parents. Here the arranged marriage is not very common already. People have free will to choose their partners. Although some parents may not like their children's choice, but if their children still insist in it, the parents can't do anything to change it. The marriage is like a pair of shoes. Only you know whether it fits you or not. You shall follow your heart rather than your parents' decision. Your parents' opinions can be regarded as your reference only.
I love China
@sweety_81 (2124)
• India
25 Nov 10
Well, In India, most of the marriages are arranged and parents try to find a suitable match for their sons and / or daughters. However, now a days, sons and daughters are the final decision makers. They reject or accept a candidate. Nothing is forced. Moreover, many boys and girls marry to their own choice- what we call as "Love marriage".
1 person likes this
@mods196621 (3652)
• Philippines
24 Nov 10
You know i am not agree with the arrange marriage because it shows no freedom. Although we are are the one who live together with the guy i choose. It is really hard to live with a person you do not like or love for the whole life. Not only at India but in other country still it happens until now. They follow also their culture from the very beginning up to present. They don't have the rights to choose for themselves but to respects their elders and follow. THat is their culture and it was nothing to them as long as they cannot see the outside world or the other modern country neighboring. Let's give them respect as they are.Have a nice day!
@careguarden (5670)
• Philippines
23 Nov 10
Hello maxima. maybe that is the tradition in their country and the daughter have no choice if their parents arrange their marriage. It happened also in the Philippines but not totally all people do that. I think for me, it is not right because the girl or boy have freedom to choose their own partner in the future to avoid complications and problems in their marriage. Maybe in India, their parents always think their future that their kids didn't encounter problems but its not good.
1 person likes this
@lxdollarsxl (76)
•
23 Nov 10
I dont think India has the market cornered as far as arranged marriages it is quite normal in many cultures. Although i dont agree parents should be the ones to arrange/force children to marry any particular person, this custom has been going on for centuries and is slowly dying out.
1 person likes this
@abhaijith (2963)
• India
24 Nov 10
Hi Maxima,
Its really a great Discussion.
According to Indian custom and culture the concept of the parent children relationship is some what different.Its on an agreement that parents look after their children and spend money for their growth and education and love them,that in older ages the parents,the children have to give them back,by being with them,love them,take care of them.
So as a part of this agreement,Indian people follow arranged marriage instead of Love marriages.And it does not allow the child to run out of home with someone who loves him/her and whom he/she loves.Its their duty to serve their parents.
Even the laws here allows full freedom to take our own decisions after maturity,the parents have the right to take decision on one's life up to certain age,at least till the marriage.
.
@strawberrychocodahi (4818)
• Philippines
24 Nov 10
Arrange marriages are applied in India till now. About the question you ask, well sad thing that there are people here who really regretted not being married to the person they love and there are still people who just nod their head for their parents decision.
It depends on the person if what they wanted in their life. I just accepted the fact that certain countries do embrace such practice and I respect that. Although I am married to an Indian (Christian) and we are not arranged, it was love and it is both our decision to get married, which I am a foreigner of this land and his parents (my in-laws) have nothing against me.
@cyrus123 (6363)
• United States
24 Nov 10
I do think the parents are wiser. However, I don't think the parents should arrange the marriage. Like oreocookie said, I wouldn't want to marry somebody I didn't love or never would learn to love. It's important that the two love each other. I never have married, myself. I was taught that if I ever did marry is that the important thing is that my husband be a christian.
@rautrahul (267)
• India
24 Nov 10
Parents are the one who takes all the right decisions for us right from our childhood to till we grow up. For the Parenets childrens are always a child to them. They think that the childrens cannot make right decisions, so they try to make a good decisions for us by selecting a rrange marriage for us. No parents will like to spoil the family after a childrens marriage, so they try to make their own choice. But I think parents should not force children to marry with their won decision, this can bring troubles in life.