How Do You Feel & Deal With Two-Faced Back Stabbing Friends?

@Opal26 (17684)
United States
April 21, 2011 12:23am CST
I am basically an easy going person and get along with most people most of the time. And I pride myself on being there for my friends as much as I can. But, there is a few things I can't tolerate and that is lying, and being two-faced, especially from supposed "close friends". This has happened to me with two girlfriends recently and unfortunately one lives across the street from me so we we will eventually have a face off. The other I intend to deal with via "snail mail". My feelings are more angry than hurt. So, I'd like some feedback from others who have been in similar situations or give me some advice~
16 people like this
64 responses
@jennyze (7045)
• Indonesia
21 Apr 11
It's hard when you live across fro one of them. The last time it hit me, I was hurt for a while but then I just shrug it. When other friends asked me whether he story fro this 'friend' was true, I just told them: "You know me and you know her. So, what do you think?" And it works. They started to talk themselves that I would not be like that and that it was more the other person who would do it. By the way, I never confronted this 'friend' who circulated bad story on me. I am still friend with her till even we are less and less to see each other. However, when she needs me, I would still be there for her. I know the reason she circulated the bad story was because she was jealous of my good standing with my clients which were also hers. So, if you know what motivated your close friends to say bad things about you, maybe you can understand them better.
6 people like this
• Philippines
21 Apr 11
its really hard to deal with situations like these.. i think most of us has in one way experienced this. if you're still angry about it, dont confront them just yet. once you're already over it, talk to them about it and hear their side. also, determine if they really did what you accuse them to have done.
4 people like this
@jennyze (7045)
• Indonesia
21 Apr 11
That's right. We should never lash out one someone when we are still not sure of what happening and especially not when we are fuming. It can result in disastrous situation.
3 people like this
@Opal26 (17684)
• United States
21 Apr 11
Hi jennyze & ohsodianne~what I didn't say about this particular ex-friend is that this wasn't the first time that she has done something really bad to me. And the last time was worse. You can only give someone like that so many chances, and then what?
3 people like this
@gtdonna (1740)
22 Apr 11
Opal, you are not alone. I am easy going as you are too. However, they are some people - I call them acquaintances, not friends - who are determined to drive you up a wall and test your character. They know thta you are quiet and easy and that seems ot give them the right to be back stabbers...like you I do not like it. I do get angry, hurt and upset too, however, I have found out that sometimes confronting them, does little ot solve the situation. They have shown me just what kind of friends they are, so it matters not if they live in the same condo or apartment as I do...or we even work together. I cut them off! Life is too short, to have friends who will smile in your face and then stab you in your back. If they can do that for peety everyday stuff, imagine what they will do when major events occur. Si if you really want to confront those two 'girls" i would say, the one you are writing, just tell ehr you are hurt and thought that she was your friend. The other one, just say, I am really disappointed in you and thought you were a true friend and leave it at that.
2 people like this
• United States
22 Apr 11
These drama queens do not care much for how they have hurt others and will rarely ever come to terms with it. They feel they are in the right no matter what.
@gtdonna (1740)
23 Apr 11
Then, just cut them off...makes no sense having friends who do not care about you and are only into creaitng drama.
@JenInTN (27545)
• United States
22 Apr 11
I have dealt with the backstabbing two faced thing too Opal..I am so sorry to hear that you are. It is painful when you put so much loyalty into your friendships and then someone just throws it in your face. The unfortunate thing is it seems that more and more people take their friendships very lightly. I personally am very careful about friends now. I suppose in a way I have secluded myself in a sense. I have friends but for the most part they are kept at a safe distance from my personal life. I do have one or two that I consider real friends. Like the ones you hang out with and share certain things..but I am still careful because of past experiences. My grandmother had friends that she had had for years and I often thought that the quality of people that they were must be gone. I even told her once that I was amazed with her friendships. Take care Opal.
2 people like this
• United States
22 Apr 11
It is very difficult to find people of character these days. What a shame. To prevent oneself from being harmed, it is best to choose friends carefully and to test them by observing their behaviors over a period of at least a year or so. Even so, one can make unwise choices in trusting someone who places a righteous face before another, yet turns out to be destructive and hurtful.
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17684)
• United States
23 Apr 11
Hi ladies~ You both feel the same way I do. I, unfortunately, want to believe that the people I do choose for friends are really "friends". But, sometimes things and people are just not as they seem, as in both cases. I knew my neighbor shouldn't be trusted, but we did have fun together most of the time. But, I also knew she was a jealous beotch and was capable of destructive behavior for no apparent reasons! When I meet someone I usually like them immediately or "get that vibe" to stay away! In both cases my instincts failed miserably!
• United States
23 Apr 11
I've been burned the same way, thinking if I just do not reveal too much about myself and keep a safe distance a majority of the time, I won't be hurt by them. Only meet in public, etc. However, they are crafty are they not? It is awful to be so careful and then get burned so badly by someone. I hope the issues with those people are resolved Opal26.
@saphrina (31733)
• South Africa
21 Apr 11
I don't deal with those kind of people sweetie. I get rid of them. I don't have the time or patience in my life for backstabbers.
2 people like this
@Opal26 (17684)
• United States
21 Apr 11
There's my girlfriend! I know how you feel my dear saphy, and you are absolutely right! Just is difficult and annoying to have a beotch living across the street who is jealous enough to resort to such a means. To me it is beyond pathetic!
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (76050)
• India
22 Apr 11
Blondieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... that is intelligent!!!!!!!!*Scream*
1 person likes this
@saphrina (31733)
• South Africa
22 Apr 11
Pathetic people need attention sweetie. Send her a cobra for entertainment. hello vannie.
1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42678)
• United States
22 Apr 11
I have neices and SIL s that talk about me alot well they are in tENN AND i AM IN neVADA i PAY NO ATTENTION TO WHAT THEY SAY i DONT FEED THE FIRE. oops sorry about caps. I have one neice that tels them where to go when ever they bring up the subject.
2 people like this
@Opal26 (17684)
• United States
23 Apr 11
Hi Lakota! How are you my "dear friend"? And I do mean "friend"! I feel closer to quite a few people her on the "Lot" than I do to either one of these two, and you are one of them. I hope you are feeling better.
@Lakota12 (42678)
• United States
24 Apr 11
every thing is well my freind and thanks so much for your freinds ship. withtheir talk I pay no attetention I know its not right so I have nothing to say tothem about it. hugssssssssssssss and blessings
@Kalyni2011 (3497)
• India
21 Apr 11
Dear Opal I too hate lying, i have been cheated several times in the past, have learnt the lesson,i trust all and end up getting cheated, the cheates sre from my city mainly and some are neighbors, some took money from me never returned.. one took my necklace to wear for one day, when i asked it back, she said, what proff you have? Thanks for sharing Happy posting, cheers. Namastey. Kalyani
2 people like this
@Opal26 (17684)
• United States
22 Apr 11
Hi Kalyni, That is the problem sometimes. We trust people and they end up kicking us in our butts! I should have learned my lesson by now. I hope you too will be more careful about the friends you pick. Hugs, Opal
1 person likes this
@vandana7 (76050)
• India
22 Apr 11
At times there can be genuine misunderstandings leading to developments that are difficult to retrace from. I tend to give a fair chance...and in general dont expect much. Moreover, I avoid socializing to a greater level.
1 person likes this
@drannhh (15237)
• United States
21 Apr 11
Unlike some people, I make a distinction between backstabbing and lying. Backstabbing is close to unforgivable, so I would not face off with someone who did that, personally, I would just drop that person like they no longer exist. But lying and being two-faced is different. With them I just consider the source and remember not to trust them anymore. Some people who can be friends for a time without being friends for life, whereas others are worth keeping.
2 people like this
@Opal26 (17684)
• United States
21 Apr 11
Hi drannhh! Than what do you do when there is a bit of both? I gave one of them more than one chance when she back-stabbed me and lied before and she did it again (the neighbor). And she really did something that was reprehensible! If I was the physical type I would have knocked her out, but that's her "thing". At this point, I'm just done!
2 people like this
@drannhh (15237)
• United States
23 Apr 11
Being a little bit deceitful is like being a little bit preggers. It just can't be done. I'd drop the person. I would not punch out her light, lol. Good luck.
@celticeagle (124394)
• Boise, Idaho
21 Apr 11
I am a person that respects friendship very highly. I believe a true friend shows themselves for what they truly are pretty early on. I also believe in Fate and Karma. There have been several occasions where I was very glad fate leaned in my direction and I would be in a looney bin somewhere if it weren't for Karma doing the same.
@Opal26 (17684)
• United States
21 Apr 11
Hey celtic! I always told you we had alot in common!
2 people like this
@celticeagle (124394)
• Boise, Idaho
22 Apr 11
And I always agreed with you too! Where have you been? Seems like you haven't been on much lately.
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Apr 11
Easy I stay as far away from them as possible, I hate people who pretend to be your friend and then talk behind your back, I knew a guy for 20 years. He was super jealous of me for god knows what reason and was talking a lot of BS, So I completely stopped talking to him end of it LIFE IS TOUGH ENOUGH
@Opal26 (17684)
• United States
23 Apr 11
Hi interactive! I feel the same way! I have enough serious issues in my life then to deal with this type of bullsh1t! Life is too short and I am too old for this kind of behavior and so are they!
@Jlyn10 (11184)
• Malaysia
22 Apr 11
Yes, I have come across situations like such. The worse thing is that she happens to be my superior and she keep backstabbing about me to my boss. The best thing to do is to get as far away as you can from people like this. I definitely will not want to work with such people. I prefer a peaceful environment so I don't feel so pressured when I work.
@Opal26 (17684)
• United States
22 Apr 11
Hi Jlyn! Don't even get me stated on my list of "backstabbing work nightmares"! Some of them were even more unbelieveable than the "friends issues"!
@joystick (1679)
21 Apr 11
Sounds like someone i know,lol.I think that there are alot of people that we think are nice people, yet they are the people that turn out nothing like we thought they were.I think that there are people that you have to watch what youy say to them as well as not tell them much about what is going on in your life.I try to stay away from people like that as much as i can.
@Opal26 (17684)
• United States
22 Apr 11
Hi joystick! I think you've "hit the nail on the head", as they say! One of them is exactly that way. She will try to pry all the information she can, and then use it against me, except with her nasty lying twists!
• Philippines
21 Apr 11
Yes its really frustrating to have those kind of friends. Dont fight with them like an ill mannered person. Talk with them say all the things that youve felt from what they said then leave. Those kind of friends arent not to worth keep. I know itll be hard for you to forgive them at this moment. Time heals. Pray for them as well though they did something awful.
2 people like this
@Opal26 (17684)
• United States
21 Apr 11
Hi chcokreme! Welcome to myLot! This has gone past talking and forgiving, unfortunately. I am just trying to deal with it at this point.
1 person likes this
@misterMR (797)
• Philippines
21 Apr 11
It's hard to forgive a friend who has been lying to you. You should confront them with calm and try not to hurt them emotionally or physically too much. The more you hurt them, the more you'll get separated from them and they'll have to go to another person as soon as possible. Try to be considerate too, maybe they lied because they have some purpose in mind or so. Ask them why they lied, calmly. Then they'll give you their answers.
@Opal26 (17684)
• United States
21 Apr 11
Hi misterMr! Welcome to myLot! With one of them this isn't her "first offense" and I'm through bothering since she is the "physical type"! The other needs to be put in her place and know that she "isn't all that" and I don't miss her non-friendship to begin with!
1 person likes this
@misc11 (384)
• United States
21 Apr 11
I think the best thing to do is show you are the better, more mature and more confident person and walk away from the whole situation. I think revenge and hurting the person just shows insecurity. Besides, why waste your time and energy when the people are clearly not worth it? Especially when you can spend that time with people you do care about and who wouldn't do that to you. I feel sorry for two faced friends because they have can't find anything better to talk about and are not confident in who they are so they try to please all sides. Just be glad you are who you are :)
2 people like this
@Opal26 (17684)
• United States
21 Apr 11
Hi misc11! And welcome to myLot! I really liked your response and argree with you. Like I said, neither one of them is worth it, but I have reasons for telling one of them off. The other is a lost cause!
1 person likes this
@dimzok (127)
• Indonesia
21 Apr 11
i would feel like the same as you,but it all happened,ill try to be patient,and dont forget all people can do something wrong even for bestfriend,
2 people like this
@vandana7 (76050)
• India
22 Apr 11
Rule 1... never expose how better off you are... people feel jealous. Rule 2...help but dont go overboard... Rule 3... try to see that you never need help...Rule 4...try to see your socializing needs are minimal...Rule 5 dont expect anything good from anybody, everything will be pleasant surprise then.. The philosophy I developed ...:)
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17684)
• United States
22 Apr 11
Hi my sweet Vanny! Great to see you. I like your philisophy. It's sad because the one that caused me all the problems was the one that I was always there for and she was never there for me. When I feel in the hall and broke my shoulder and called her she was sleeping and hung up. When I was in the hospital with blood poisoning from a gum infection for 6 days she didn't come to see me. I don't need that kind of person in my life! Unfortunately, I try to always live in peace, as in my Sign, Libra~
@vandana7 (76050)
• India
22 Apr 11
I know sweetie... and I know Librans are lovers of peace..there was a nice quote I dont recollect by whom but you do need to know it.. Those who give in inches and want in yards should be kicked by foot..
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17684)
• United States
22 Apr 11
Thanks, I needed that!
@macayadann (1235)
• Philippines
24 Apr 11
Having a friend is more likely to have brother and/or sister. Trust is the best gift that can be offered to your friend at the end of the relationship,but then extra precaution always go with it. Friendship is always tested and no matter how long it has been the hurt of giving up must be accepted. You can forgive and do not carry with you the bad experience with them, take it lightly and start all over again but do not forget you have already the scar of what had happened and so just be very careful in dealing with them.
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17684)
• United States
24 Apr 11
Hi macayadann! I have learned to just let go and move on! I am not even hurt at this point, just annoyed! I will not be bothered by either loss of friendship. I will just move on~
• Philippines
24 Apr 11
Prioritize to befriend yourself first before anybody else. Take the best for yourself.
@CTHanum (8250)
• Malaysia
22 Apr 11
Hi Opal! For any problems related to other people when there is no way to solve the problem telling or asking fro the truth will always be the last and only chance to solve it.It would hurt them but they should know it's hurt us as well. When I encounter with the same problem I will ask and discuss with them what has gone wrong and ask them to tell me the truth. Only then I would decide what action should I take. Otherwise it will hurt us more.
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17684)
• United States
23 Apr 11
Hi CT! It is pointless to talk with the neighbor because she knows exactly what she did and why I'm angry and even knows she's wrong. She's hoping that in time I'll "get over it"! Not happening!
@CTHanum (8250)
• Malaysia
23 Apr 11
Ha, I know that as I had encounter this several times. They are hoping us to recover by ourselves. It's hard huh dealing with someone who can't admit their faults? I will say to them that I don't like what they did to me and it is hurt me. You will feel the same thing if I hurt you the same way! I just want to make sure they know it is their fault and hard for me to forgive them at all.
@rosegardens (3040)
• United States
22 Apr 11
It depends on what they have done and if this is a pattern. More than likely, it is a pattern and something that is done quite often. I've had my share of backstabbing two faces and with age it gets easier to walk away and never look back. Who needs that in their life? Many people have some difficulties and to have someone close to them making things worse is quite unneeded. You are in a difficult situation, in that you share clients and live right across from her. I would consider moving if I were you. Because you have been friends, she can make your life miserable with your neighbors. Often, trying to work something out between myself and the offender, I have been hurt even worse. They care not to see what they have done, but enjoy throwing it back at their victim to cause the victim to believe they are at fault, not the perpetrator. Therefore, I do not even attempt to confront them any more, I just simply wipe the dust from my feet and move on. But perhaps, you may have more mentally stable people around you and they may just come to terms with themselves. BTW-writing anything can be a problem for you. Web spinners have a great habit of turning things back on you, and those written words can cause even legal troubles if they can manipulate it to the authorities. I was warned long ago by a friend in law enforcement never write anything to someone who has harmed you. Be careful! It is difficult to confront in person because they will most always turn it back to you; even so, if you feel you need to confront them, do so in person and do not leave messages, notes, letters, emails, blogs, etc.
1 person likes this
@Opal26 (17684)
• United States
23 Apr 11
Hi rosegardens! First of all, I lived here for 30 years and I'm not going anywhere! She will just have to look the other way because if she trys anything she will be the one to have to move! And the one I'm writing to I am not threatening, just reminding her that she is a self-centered moron and not what she pretends to be! I am a very strong woman and they both know not to mess with me. I was a Legal Assistant/Secretary for over 20 years so I know enough about the law and they both know very little about the Internet. I don't belong to FB or any other sites except myLot and not about to run from anyone! I don't like confrontation, but I also don't like being used and lied about even more!
1 person likes this
• United States
23 Apr 11
Ah, well if you were involved with any type of law for a period of time then you know what to say and what not to say. Confrontation is not fun, that is for sure. Several years ago I had to send an email to a woman who was tormenting me, and told her not to bother responding back because she would twist my words around and I didn't care to read about it, and I would not read anything from her. I asked for no contact, and she did listen. I think because I had disappeared from church for a few years, and when I went back, I was not that familiar anymore. I do believe if I had not been away from there, she would have persisted in her nastiness. Can you believe at one time she would call me up to 20 PLUS times a day to 'remind' me of something that she wanted? For days and days in a row, even weeks, depending on the thing? I carefully wrote to her all the things I could remember her saying to me, and doing to me that hurt and were meant to hurt. Like you, I hate confrontation but sometimes one has to do what one has to do in order to have some peace.
• Canada
22 Apr 11
I had a friend like this, who I met, and got on with so well that I introduced her to my friends. She seemed to get on well with them, and settled into our group quite well. I had to fly home to visit family for a few weeks, and my husband was unable to get the time off work to come with me so he stayed here. While I was gone, she met with him for a drink and proceeded to tell him that I'd cheated on him with at least 5 different men. All untrue and my husband saw right through her little act. When he called me and told me what she'd said, I hit the roof! When I flew back, I texted her to let her know I was back, and she was sweet as pie. We arranged to meet up, but unknown to her, a confrontation was coming. When we met, she had one of my friends with her. Immediately, I launched into her, demanding to know what she thought she was playing at. She immediately dropped herself right in it, saying that my husband had asked her if she knew that I was cheating on him. When I asked her how she knew what I was talking about, she didn't have an answer. She was told in no uncertain terms that I wanted nothing more to do with her, and neither did my husband. My friend that was with her called me later that evening, and I told her what had transpired. She'd known nothing about it, and was shocked. The story spread to my other friends and over time, they dropped her like hot potatoes. Turns out she'd been trying the same thing with a number of people. The only thing I can say is to drop these people who are making you angry, or hurting you. You don't need people like that in your life. If a face-off is inevitable, make sure you have all the facts of the situation beforehand. It will make your argument for your case much stronger.
1 person likes this
• Canada
24 Apr 11
Wow, your neighbor sounds like a real b*tch! Unfortunately, because you live so close to her, I have no suggestions on how to get shut of her. Seems to me like she needs mental health care. Jealousy is such a horrible emotion to come up against, and unfortunately, the people who suffer from that are unable to see both sides of the situation. Is there any possibility you could get some kind of peace or restraining order against her?