Ambivalent about not wearing my wedding ring since I am widowed.

@suspenseful (40193)
Canada
May 23, 2011 9:52pm CST
My husband would be dead a year on August 20th. I have always had problems with my fingers swelling so am used to take my ring off at night. And lately I have not worn it all the time in the daytime, depending on whether my finger swelled or not. So if not. I usually wore my ring on Sundays, but the rest of the week it was off or on depending on when I was in a hurry or not. Now if I no longer wear my ring, does it mean that I no longer loved my husband? He died of Als and I was already mourning for him the last couple of months of so. I have a friend who still kept her weddnig band and she has been widowed longer then I. She had a large family and she had gotten married in a church but I went through a civil ceremony. I am in my late 60s. So is it all right or am I dishonoring my husband's memory by no longer wearing the wedding band? It hurts me when I look at it and reminds me of the last months when he was in bed, wasting away.
6 people like this
14 responses
@rocketj1 (6955)
• United States
24 May 11
You could put it on a chain and wear it around your neck if you like. But wearing a ring does not say anything about whether you love someone or not. There are plenty of married people with rings on their fingers who are miserable. Don't worry about what other people think. Only you know what is in your heart.
@GardenGerty (157050)
• United States
24 May 11
I think this is a good answer. Wearing a ring, or where you wear a ring is not a sign of a good marriage. Think of all the people who wear rings and are unfaithful. Be true to yourself and that is good enough.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
24 May 11
I would not like to wear the ring around my neck on a chain. It is like when someone who just got married and wanted to hide it from her parents. The two I know who do not wear a ring, the married ones are usually working in a job where a ring might get caught or they are nurses and have to be around x-ray equipment. Stlll I felt uncomfortable at first and then wondered whether it was because my husband threw away my drivers license about 25 years ago, or he gave away all the baby things when your sons had outgrown the crib and high chair. Or was it because we did not have a church wedding and I could not wear a white gown even though we never had s*x before we were married but it was a former boyfriend. So that is the ambilence. I wanted a real wedding that I never got and I had a miscarriage or rather several after the marriage. Amd I am not the type who believes if you cannot have children with your husband your love is limited just to him. And I do not want to mourn forever.
@rocketj1 (6955)
• United States
24 May 11
As I said, it's a personal decision that is really no one else's business. Sounds like you've made up your mind and there's no need to second guess yourself.
1 person likes this
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
24 May 11
No suspenseful, you won't be dishonoring him, if that was the case, then I have been dishonoring my husband for years. This is because I had fractured my ring finger and because of that, my knuckle is bigger and I can't get my ring on. My husband also doesn't wear his due to the nature of his work, he doesn't want to ruin it. So that said, both my husband and I don't wear our rings and it hasn't changed our relationship at all...
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
27 May 11
Well since I did not have a real good civil ceremony with the justice of the peace, his wife, and the neighbours singing "Oh promise me"" or one of those romantic 70s songs, let alone a church ceremony with the white gown, I would love to meet a nice widower who is alone except for his grown children and grandchildren. I do not think that it is only the young widows who have a chance.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 May 11
IMO it is not dishonoring your husband's memory if you choose not to wear your wedding ring. Especially if it hurts you when you look at it and it brings you sad memories. It is better to think of the happy times you had together.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
28 May 11
I think part of the problem is that even though I thought I got rid of that idea, it is still in my head, "what do other people think?" and it is also that there is no such thing as a widow's ring. Yes, they say wear it around a chain around your neck, but that idea also pertains that you are still married and you are trying to hide the fact from family members who disapprove. Wearing te wedding ring on the right hand - well I think there are some countries where that is the custom. What makes it easier for me to keep my ring in a box is that I never had an engagement ring. It is getting easier now, and I feel less nervous about having to keep on the ring to prevent guys from hitting on me. Yes I do want to meet a nice widower with grandkids, but he has to be the right one.
@dragon54u (31636)
• United States
24 May 11
If you have trouble with your fingers swelling but still want to wear the ring why don't you wear it as a necklace? It is not dishonoring your husband since you are no longer married but widowed, but I understand how you feel. I have similar feelings even though I'm divorce--marriage is a sacred contract before God and I feel we are always married regardless of what happens so I wear not my wedding band (which was my Grandmother's and I passed it on to a young relative) but a facsimile. If I wanted to wear it and my fingers swelled I would keep it on a chain around my neck. That might work for you and be comfortable while honoring your husband's memory.
2 people like this
• United States
24 May 11
What a good idea I did not think of that.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
25 May 11
I am thinking of keeping it in a box along with my mother-in-law;s rings, and also my husband's family rings. Do not want to wear it around my neck as I might lose it. Still have not found my heritage ring that fell out when we were cutting the grass about three years ago. I also do not want to feel guilty about not wearing it and at least it will keep me from turning it around on my finger because I do not want my finger to get blue because I am afraid of my finger swelling or wearing it above mu knuckle because it is and I am afraid of it dropping off.
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
24 May 11
I say you do what feels right to you , and don't worry about what anybody else thinks.
2 people like this
@farooq1 (33)
24 May 11
in my opinion you should do whatever your heart tells you and don't think about or consider what other people think. this is because you know that you love your husband and nobody,absolutely nobody can change that. just do whatever you think right, regardless of other people's opinions - how does what they think affect what you are doing?
2 people like this
@KrauseHome (36449)
• United States
25 May 11
Well with this one, I am not really sure there is a wrong or a right answer, as everyone needs their own time to morn. If it is easier for you to be able to think about in time moving on and living life again and being more Happy, then I would say keep it off. Sometimes people do it afraid what will happen once they remove it, and not ready to move on. I think this is up to you, and just remember you are the one now to make your decisions and be Happy. No one else has been there but you.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
28 May 11
I did not want to take it off before this, except for temporary when I went to sleep and did not want to see my finger go blue, or if I felt it would be a little tight, and I kept it off for a few hours, or just when I am in the house. But I would have been widowed for a year come Aug. 20th. And I am doing things for myself, except for mowing the lawn (cannot pull the cord up more then a few inches.). and being afraid of heights. I can manage money quite wel, etc. And if I do meet some nice widower, he would not want to have a blooming idiiot. It is not that I am ready to move on, it is just that well looking it, makes me sad.
@stephcjh (38473)
• United States
24 May 11
I am so sorry to hear that. I do not think you are disrespecting your husband at all. You have to deal with the loss the best way you know how. I understand how it would hurt you to see it and the constant reminders. I feel for you.
2 people like this
@cher913 (25782)
• Canada
24 May 11
absolutely not. i think that even if you dont wear it, you still have him in your heart. i have arthritis in my fingers and i only wear my wedding rings when i go out )my engagement ring doesnt even fit me anymore and we cant afford to get it made larger) but if i go out and forget to put it on, does that mean i am not married? certainly not! i know i am and that is all that really matters to me!
1 person likes this
• United States
24 May 11
I do not think you are dishonoring him. Nor do I think this means you no longer love him. He will always be in your heart. But you have to live your life. Continuing to wear your wedding band is a constant reminder of him. It will make your grief last longer.
• United States
28 May 11
You should do what's right for you. As a widow, you are no longer obligated to wear your wedding ring. If you wished, you could pursue other relationships and possibly even remarry. Your ring is a symbol and it's meaning is only relevant to you. There are customs surrounding widows and their wedding rings, but that's all they are. Never let anyone or anything pressure you to do something that hurts you. You are not dishonoring the memory of your husband. You love him, that love lives on regardless of whether you have a piece of metal around your finger. That it brings you painful memories is understandable and maybe you'll find taking it off for a while is all you need. Given your physical ailments, not wearing the ring might be beneficial not just for your emotional health but also for your physical health. In the end, the ring is only a symbol, what it symbolizes is inside you and nothing and no one can take that away. Honor your husband in your thoughts, in your actions, don't worry about the ring.
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
29 May 11
Thank you. I always felt bad about what would happen, because under my knuckles my fingers are larger, if I left it on and my finger got blue, or if I suddenly lost weight, the ring dropped off my finger and I lost in like I did the heritage ring. I never had an engagement ring, so never was used to wearing a ring on my left hand. It is not that I am not loving my husband as much as someone wearing the ring, but on the customs, it is all right for a few months, but a whole year. And I still have the other stuff in the house that he got, remembrance of that trip to Alaska, and the piano he bought me. Plus of course, the house paid for, his cds, and that because he joined our church, he is now in heaven.
1 person likes this
• United States
30 May 11
You're husband wouldn't want you to suffer for any reason. Wear the ring if you want to. As I said, he's in your heart and that's the only place it matters. Too often we get caught up in all the symbols that we forget the meaning. Your love for your husband will show through in your actions and as long as you keep him alive there, he will live on here. He's watching you from heaven, I'm sure, and he wants you to be happy. That's what love is, wanting the people you care for to be happy and healthy.
1 person likes this
• United States
30 May 11
Thank you for the best response.
1 person likes this
@jaiho2009 (39142)
• Philippines
24 May 11
I don't think you are dishonoring your husband. Wedding ring,or wearing the wedding ring is not the only sign to show the world that you love your husband. No one has the right to judge all because of "not wearing the wedding ring" No one knows how much you love and suffers the loss,but you alone. So why worried with what other people might say...they can make judgments but never let them affect you.
2 people like this
@jamuls (530)
• Philippines
24 May 11
first of all, im sorry for your loss. don't be too hard on yourself. God knows that you've suffered enough already. you are not dishonoring or doing anything wrong by not wearing the ring that symbolized your unity. if it bothers you that much, buy a necklace and the ring would serve as the pendant. that way, it wont hurt you... physically. and it really doesnt matter if you get married in a church or through the civil ceremony. as long as you have the papers that says you and him are married then it's enough. healing will take time. i've lost my dad when i was 16 and im already 31 now and i still see my mum cry sometimes. God bless.
2 people like this
@stary1 (6612)
• United States
28 May 11
I am so sorry for your loss. Please, don't feel guilty about not wearing your ring. I doubt your hubby would want you to feel guilty or be unhappy about not wearing a ring. You know you loved him and miss him and not wearing the ring won't change that one bit. My fingers were swollen from arthritis a number of years ago. They aren't anymore, but I still don't wear my ring because I just got out of the habit. My husband doesn't care one way or another. He hasn't worn his ring for while either and I don't care. A ring isn't the most important part. Whether you were married in church or not is also no reason one way or another in deciding to wear a ring or not. I was married in Church and I see no connection between my Church and wearing my ring. You sound like a very gracious sensitive lady. Please don't stress yourself over this. There is NO WAY you would be dishonoring your husband in not wearing the ring. God Bless you and you take care of yourself. Your husband would want that for you :)
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
29 May 11
Thank you. That makes me feel so much better. I do not have to worry what others think or whether I have to wear it to show that I really truly missed my husband more then someone who does not. I have to get over the guilt brought on by those who never took their ring off even if I did not have this trouble with swelling. I do wish that my civil wedding had a bit more ceremony then the sign the papers, you are married, reminiscent of Communist Russia, and perhaps had there been a bit of ceremony, I might not have felt that bad. I think not having the ceremony affected quite a lot of things.
@suspenseful (40193)
• Canada
29 May 11
It is the ceremony, even if it is just the Justice of the Peace having his wife play "We only have begun" on the organ and the neighboir lady coming in and singing off key. Then there are the words, Do you promise. But having just sign the papers and giving you the paper saying you are married, so not that good. I believe that is what many people forgo marriage because they say it is just a piece of paper because they have taken the romance out of the civil ceremony. At least that is what happened when we were in Vancouver. I knew some who were married elsewhere and they did not have that problem.
@stary1 (6612)
• United States
29 May 11
Glad you feel you don't have to live by what others think. I have stuggled with that issue at various stages of my life. It's great that the older I get the less I care about others opinions as long as I am doing what I feel is right in my heart. I never thought about the affect a ceremony has on a marriage. Seems to me it's more important how you two lived your lives and supported each other. That is a good marriage even with many ups and downs. The memories of the cherished moments are the real blessings I think.
1 person likes this