Would You Have Kept Your Mouth Shut?
By ladym33
@ladym33 (10978)
United States
September 23, 2012 4:33pm CST
I have kept my mouth shut about something and possibly I should not have. I hope my husband does not see this, I am sure that he won't. My husband and his one sister have been dong a lot for their grandmother lately yesterday they moved her in to an apartment for older people where they prepare their meals for them etc. but they still have their own apartments. They have both been driving back and forth to their grandmother's house who lives nearly an hour away from both of them, their other two siblings have not really helped, one of them has helped a little the other not at all, so both my husband and his one sister are exhausted. They set her apartment up yesterday, and I went over for a few hours to help and my sister in laws husband was helping too. My husband and his sister did not want the grandmother to stay their alone the first night or the first day but my sister in law (the one who has been helping) had plans with her daughter today and could not spend the day with their grandmother but said she would spend the evening with her tonight if he spent the day with her today. The other sibling who has only helped a little did spend the night with the grandmother last night so although my husband still didn't get home until 10:00 PM. This morning my husband kissed me goodbye and said he would not be home until 9:00 PM. Because that is when his sister would be able to relieve him.
The thing is while my husband was out getting something from the car yesterday my brother in law saw a text on my sister in law's phone telling her that the thing she had to do was cancelled. He told her out loud and I heard him say it. So she could actually have been there a lot earlier than 7:00 which was the time she originally told my husband she would relieve him. I figured she would say something to my husband but apparently she didn't and told him she would be even later. I know they have both been doing a lot to help out my husband's grandmother and I know she is very stressed out and her husband is stressed out but so is my husband. I didn't say anything about her thing being cancelled today, but perhaps I should have told my husband, but I know if I did they would get in a fight and it would just be awful. So I pretended like I never heard the whole thing about the cancellation. The fact that she is making him wait even longer for something that no longer exists really makes me mad though. But having the two of them fighting right now would not be a good thing. Still it is unfair to my husband.
Would you have kept your mouth shut if you were me, or should I have told my husband she lied to him?
3 people like this
8 responses
@Kashmeresmycat (6369)
• United States
23 Sep 12
Tell him at a later date. I agree with you right now and I feel it would have caused a huge fight, which is not needed, nor is it a good time to argue about something like this.
The sister knows what she did, and she has to live with it. No, it's not fair at all, it was downright selfish of her to do. But I still would have done what you did to avoid the problems that would arise from it.
And when you do tell your husband, whenever that will be, just explain to him you were only trying to keep peace in the family at that time, especially for the grandmothers sake. Tell him it was a judgement call on your part. I would hope he would understand.
3 people like this
@Kashmeresmycat (6369)
• United States
23 Sep 12
I'm sorry, I don't mean to laugh but your comment reminds me of the Who in the story Grinch. You know how tiny their little voices were that you can barely hear them? That's how your little "I hope so too" sounds like to me. Don't worry, it will be ok, right? I mean, your husbands not mean or anything right?
1 person likes this
@kareng (80243)
• United States
23 Sep 12
I probably would have said something to her, letting her know that you knew she was available--even though it was said in front of you, she may have thought you didn't hear. I'd tell her that you know they are both tired, but she should be fair about the whole ordeal.
I would also tell your husband at a later date. Just to let him know the sister is pulling his strings.
I hope the sister straightens up and doesn't continue to take advantage of your husband. Good luck.
1 person likes this
@Raine38 (12387)
• United States
24 Sep 12
I would have done the same. I will speak to my sister in law, in a nice way, that I have knowledge of her cancelled plans and it bothers me that she didn't say anything to my husband about it. I will not antagonize her given the situation but I will coax her that it is much better if my husband will hear it from her. I am sure that if the situation is reversed, she wouldn't like it either. Whether my sister in law did mention it or not, I will also tell my husband about it once everything has settled down. It will not do any good to give hi something to be mad about given that he's already stressed. I am sure that once everyone's rested and calm, this will not be that big of a concern anymore. We are still a family after all. And I'm sure that helping their grandmother is top priority.
1 person likes this
@cutepenguin (6430)
• Canada
24 Sep 12
Honestly, I would pretend I never heard it at all. It's really hard at times like these for everyone to be fully supportive - the siblings who are not helping are probably the type who justify it by thinking that your husband and his sister who is helping somehowly have life easier and have more time. And your sister-in-law is probably so stressed right now that there isn't space to think about your husband.
my husband and I are about to enter a similar phase with my in-laws. And right now, his sister is doing a lot more than we are because we have a toddler at home and she works close to where they live. We know this isn't fair and try to compensate, but we really are at the end of our limits.
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (169489)
• United States
23 Sep 12
There are times when peace is important and it sounds as if this is one of the times. It may be that there was something else she had planned to do, like maybe she had three directions she was going, instead of just the choice between the daughter and the grandmother, and since the daughter thing was cancelled the third option became viable. You do not know, but you do know that you guys do not want a family feud. I would just keep this in mind when something else comes up. I would be so tempted to slip and let the sister know I knew, though. If I could figure out how. I am sorry that this is being a difficult and exhausting time. I guess I just hang onto the idea that "this too shall pass" or "in a hundred years will this matter?" What does matter is that they treat this grandmother with love and respect. I think you deserve an extra "night on the town" or special thank you from hubby for being the understanding wife you are, when things settle down. Does he not come on here and respond to your discussions to maximize the earning for both of you?
@STOUTjodee (3670)
• United States
24 Sep 12
I agree with you GardenGerty! Some times "silence is golden" holds very true when you're dealing with family. My husband and I have had some things going on with his side of the family. He remains calm with them and does things for them, to keep peace in the family. I'm always "biting my tongue" and keeping quiet, because I'm not the "family", I'm an outsider to them. But when everything is said and done then I confront my husband about it. So, if I bring things up during the time that's it's happening I don't want my husband to be caught between a rock and a hard spot.
@winterose (39887)
• Canada
24 Sep 12
that is a tough call, I don't know what I would do,
on the one hand he needs to know, on the other hand it might cause a fight,
could you tell her you saw the text and ask her what is going on?
1 person likes this
@Sukeena1961 (343)
• United States
25 Sep 12
I might tell him at a later date, but I wouldn't have said anything at the time. I may have called my sister-in-law to see why she lied to him and ask her why she didn't come earlier to relieve him. She may have had something else that needed her attention. We never know. On this note, my husband is never home at night. He has four sisters, three of them have lost their husbands and all three of them are in their 70's. He has to juggle his time between the three of them. One of his sisters can't see well and she can't drive anymore, so if no-one else is available he has to take her to her doctor, buy groceries, etc. He has to spend the night with one of his sisters because she's scared to be by herself at night. He also has a brother that can't take care of himself and sometimes he stays with him to give his sister some time to herself. My husband comes home during the day and spends it with me unless he has to go help one of his sisters. I'm not going to complain and I don't say anything to him. It's family. If it was me I would hope that my sons wife would understand. I think in your husbands case, some of the other siblings should pitch in and help, the responsibility lies with all of them, but it's good that your husband and the sister cares enough to look after her. None of us know when we may be in the same situation and need someone to look out for us. They will be blessed and so will you for being so understanding.
I wouldn't want to say anything to cause problems. No one needs the extra stress.
@danishcanadian (28954)
• Canada
26 Sep 12
As far as I'm concerned, if something looks and sounds suspicious, I am going to open my mouth. I am not going to sit back and let something happen. Would I keep my mouth shut? LOL I'm never one to keep my mouth shut.
@hmkoct5 (2065)
• United States
24 Sep 12
This is a tough one that I understand completely, as my mother-in-law was very sick for a while earlier this year and my husband and I were the main caregivers. We were running all over doing chores for her and spending every spare minute with her. Then, we get a call from my husband's sister (who lives out of state) saying that we needed to start helping out! We were like, what? We've been doing so much. Turns out my husband's other sister, who lives near us, was telling everyone we weren't helping her. We were so ticked off! We did ask her about it and she said she didn't realize that Grammy had us running all over town too. I think in your case, I would have nonchalantly said something like, "So, I heard your plans were cancelled. Does that mean I'll actually get to see my husband tonight?" Maybe she would get the clue that you knew and therefore would fess up.
