Mother-in-Law

@allknowing (87434)
India
March 19, 2013 7:29pm CST
Are you the lucky one that you have no problems with your mother-in-law? Or is she the lucky one? The situation becomes unfortunate when you like her but she does not like you. Or she likes you but you don't. What is your relationship? And what causes problems, if any. Why is no one talking about the relationship between a son-in-law and mother-in-law? One anagram for mother-in-law, as you know is WOMAN HITLER. But it does not have to be that way. There are some wonderful mothers-in-law. Mine was! And finally those who have yet to acquire a mother-in-law what qualities are you looking for in her? Let's discuss about MOTHERS-IN-LAW
6 people like this
22 responses
@vandana7 (78146)
• India
20 Mar 13
Ah...I aint married...but I will still give my cents worth..as if it matters..lol I think we misjudge mothers in law. When the girl gets married, she is usually young and inexperienced, and does not really know everything about the world. The mother in law on the other hand knows! Mothers do overlook many things, that mothers in law might not be inclined to - at least in the initial stages of marriage when relationships are yet to be cemented. A problem with mother in law is ...she is usually around her menopausal stages. So she is likely to be in foul mood around the period her son gets married. Daughters in law do not understand the havoc hormonal imbalance can cause to blood pressure and temper. So they get a bad impression about the lady, even though she may not be that bad after all. Once this happens, she starts leaning more towards her daughter as is natural for any of us in any stage of life. This creats a further rift and the situation can become irreparable. I dont say all mothers in law are good. But it is necessary for the parents to determine whether the lady is indeed a nice person from their friends, enemies, neighbors, etc. Cultural shocks can usually be one of the causes for disharmony. If the daughter in law is too modern, or is used to having many servants, then it will be difficult to adjust especially in the initial stages. Once there are differences, it may be hard to forget those. Another reason for rifts between mothers in law and daughters in law is the gnawing feeling of being left aside. As the father in law nears retiring age, the circle of friends come down. Thereafter it is the friends of sons and daughters in law. Mothers in law start feeling out of place, and they start feeling lonely in some way. After all, there was a time they were indispensable in the lives of their sons. Now, they feel dispensable, and the feeling is not that good. This makes them feel a distance, and they believe it is the daughter in law who is doing it. Generation gap so to speak. They feel out of place in the younger couple's group, and the old group no longer exists. This makes them feel lonely and unwanted and neglected I think. They are more likely to feign illnesses, and problems just to get some company. If only we can understand them as humans.
1 person likes this
@allknowing (87434)
• India
21 Mar 13
I am with you on most counts but the fact remains that there are several reasons for the relationship between these two to go haywire. It is rarely that a mother in law would withdraw from the scene. She still wants to rule the roost and this is the main cause for differences. My mother handed over the 'keys' when she was in her fifties. They both had a smooth relationship.
@vandana7 (78146)
• India
21 Mar 13
The need to rule the roost is perhaps stemming from the insecurity that slowly the entire world built so far, husband's colleagues, children, and other neighbors are disappearing rapidly. Strangely, people tend to respect only the earning member, and retired one is you know...he or she exists...is of no consequence..kind. That can be very insulting and humiliating. So to prevent that feeling the lady opts for pre-emptive bid for home control. Post retirement job..lol
@allknowing (87434)
• India
21 Mar 13
But even here there are exceptions.
• United States
20 Mar 13
My mother-in-law was the best. She was not only my mother-in-law but also my friend. She and I did a lot together and shared so many things. After Randy and I got engaged she shared all the cute stories about Randy when he was a little boy (you know the stories that embarrass them, but only a mother thinks that are cute). She taught me how to cook and how to do whatever I want to do and never allow anyone to ever tell me what to do. She believed in my schooling and could not wait to see what I had gotten on my last test.
1 person likes this
@allknowing (87434)
• India
20 Mar 13
Nice to hear about your relationship with your mother-in-law. She too must have found a good daughter-in-law in you. Was she staying with you, as normally too much familiarity they say can cause problems. But that may not have been the case with you going by the kind of connection you both had with each other. Sharing your husband's embarrassing moments with you when he was a kid is indeed touching!
• United States
20 Mar 13
My mother in law before she passed away shared my hubby and both his brother's embarrassing moments as children and my mother shared with hubby mine and my siblings embarrassing moments as kids. This is how we all got along lol. Tho my mom and hubby's mom hated each other and never really got along but that is ok because they hardly ever spoke or saw each other.
@allknowing (87434)
• India
20 Mar 13
Nothing like having good relationships with family members which is not that common these days. You should cherish those memories of your mother-in-law who gave you reasons to like her
• United States
20 Mar 13
I have a good mother in law. she is nice NOW. BUT when I first met my husband , I did not feel welcome, not good enough feeling..but then I started to be kind worded and asked why this and that why they talked about me what was the reason? and it seemed to stop when I started to say what I feeled.. I know some gossip but I try to overlook that.. and seen the inlaws was like outlaws..guess we all have some here and there.. but she is older and she had got kinder and we I just try not to talk about subjects or people when she starts the talk about others.. I just answer is that so..or I do not know and then the subject changes.. I state as that sure is pretty and stuff like that...hard to sometimes but yet I do..especcially when I do not want to talk about the subject she brings up...
1 person likes this
@allknowing (87434)
• India
20 Mar 13
It is said that it is better if one is disliked first but accepted after one gets to know the person. You managed to do that and ofcourse you put in a lot of effort. That is what we call a success story
1 person likes this
@Nursefrai06 (2498)
• Penrith, Australia
20 Mar 13
Thats the reason why I'm going to prepare myself before i marry and save enough money to live apart from my husbands family. They might even like me more that way since i strive to be a better person to be worthy of their son. And besides, its easier to like people when you don't see them everyday and you don't see the mistakes they make and that they're human too. My grandmothers on both sides are mean to my parents. Both of them dont like their child's spouses. It isn't very fun when we go on vacation with them, i think the "not liking" increased because we lived with each of their parents fr a couple of years. It wasnt rosy
1 person likes this
@allknowing (87434)
• India
20 Mar 13
Distance or absence makes the heart grow fonder is a well accepted saying and you have the wisdom to think in that direction. You have the experience too, of having lived with tyour grand parents and so you have your sights right. My mother-in-law was a mild and kind soul and her husband took advantage of this and treated her badly and this made us love her more.
@Hatley (164154)
• Garden Grove, California
20 Mar 13
hi all knowing my mother in law was so sweet but then look at how er son turned out as he was a good fun loving gentle man whom I loved dearly.I really liked her and she liked me tool We lived in two different states, she in Washington state and us in California. But I woud not have moinded if she had been next door as she waq really very kind and so sweet.
@allknowing (87434)
• India
20 Mar 13
My mother-=in-law too stayed separately but even if she stayed with me, I am sure we would have got on very well. She was very mild and my husband adored her. How was your husband with your mother?
• Penrith, Australia
20 Mar 13
My mom tells me not to pick a spouse who is overly close with their mom because they will pick their mom over you, but my grandma tells me to pick someone who is close to their mom because a man will treat his wife the way he treats his mother. I'm not very sure on who has a better say? Opinions please.
@allknowing (87434)
• India
20 Mar 13
@Nurse--- You are one confused lot. Cool it Nurse. When you fall head over heals in love with your prospect, the mother-in-law factor will fade into insignificance only to show its ugly head later!
1 person likes this
@jenny1015 (13376)
• Philippines
20 Mar 13
I am lucky that my mother in law helps us in a lot of ways. However, there are times that she could be a handful. Since we live just a block away from them, she would come and check on the house. What I hate about it is that she would be re-arranging things and assumes that it is what it should supposed to be. I mean, yes, we are living in a house that they own, but does she really need to be in charge in everything? Sometimes I feel the hatred coz of the way she has raised her kids. She could be a one great liar, too. If she is cornered by a person for something she has done, she would deny it right away. And she also has the habit of being kind to you when you are with her and say nasty things behind your back.
@allknowing (87434)
• India
20 Mar 13
Ooof, ooof, ooof,I say! I raised your adrenalin alright You do have a problem on your hands which you will have to tackle forever. Just because it is her house it is disgusting that she tells you where to keep your tea set and where to keep your bath towel. Tell her to mind her own business. It is time you did it!
@allknowing (87434)
• India
20 Mar 13
Does she also tell you that you should change your undies twice a day! Grrrrrr..
@jenny1015 (13376)
• Philippines
21 Mar 13
I rarely say anything to her out of respect. But once she gets out of the house, I get my things back to where they used to. And mind you, if she insist on having my undies changes twice, it's war I say! Coz I change mine 3x!
@pergammano (7690)
• Canada
20 Mar 13
Not much for me to add..here, as my dearly departed Mother-in-Law, was a rare angel...superlative butterfly! No-one in this world, could have asked for a more genuine, lovely spirited lady! I only wished that my life would have been blessed longer with her in my realm!
@allknowing (87434)
• India
20 Mar 13
That's nice perga. All are not blessed with good Mothers-in-law. I too was lucky. She was mild and docile I could say. My husband adored her. But I sometimes think why most of these women have a name for being rude and scheming!
1 person likes this
• Canada
20 Mar 13
YES...so many times, I hear of the "Mother-in-law from he!!"..and in my observation....I see two things; 1. A Mother whom believes no-one is of the status she requires for her son.....and 2. A new wife, whom is jealous of the bond between Mother and son. Just my take on things...and it is sad, when I know the blessing that I was awared with my lovely MIL...bless her soul!
@allknowing (87434)
• India
21 Mar 13
Those are main reasons why we see what we see today but there are exceptions and these exceptions could also mean that the daughter-in-law would see to it that the situation stays put with regard to the attention the son gives to his mother. You could have played that role in your relationships.
@lkbooi (16093)
• Malaysia
20 Mar 13
Hi allknowing, I had been living together with my mother in law since the day I had married. We got along harmonious together for nineteen years. She had left us forever years ago. She was kind and amiable, and I respected her. I had learned from her lots of delicious dishes and desserts. I's the first one to please her with birthday cake. And she would receive birthday cake of different designs yearly. I would be in great pleasure as well to see her enjoying cutting and eating the cake. There would be some miner misunderstandings within us sometimes. Each time it's resolved in peacefully situation Happy posting
@allknowing (87434)
• India
20 Mar 13
This surely must have been a good topic for you to relive old times. It is so nice when you have so many good memories about your loved one. Staying together and yet getting along is quite a gift form God!
@kalav56 (11496)
• India
20 Mar 13
Staying together and getting along takes a lot of effort; in our olden days it was the daughter-in-law who made the maximum effort because she was meek. THe modern day youngsters expect the mother-in-law to make the extra effort because they think that they have come into a new household and like how guests are treated, they are entitled to be pampered.In our days we never had any feeling of entitlement and were afraid of the new set up but nowadays this situation is changing; love marriages and gentle men[relative to the bygone days] may also be a cause.
@allknowing (87434)
• India
21 Mar 13
In other words kala now the daughters-in-law think which in the olden days was not allowed. As long the present daughters-in-law are fair all is well but many a time it is not that way. They impose their rule too. Sad, but true!
@kalav56 (11496)
• India
20 Mar 13
My mother-in-law is known to be a very 'tough' lady and has had a universal bad name.But she is not as bad as she seems ; unfortunately she has no control over her tongue and she makes 'politically incorrect noises' ; but now , with age advancing she has mellowed down a lot.As far as my relationship goes, I was terribly scared of her when I was young, ;We used to stay together and I was terribly afraid of her because I could never please her. Now, I am no longer 'terribly ' afraid but I am pretty careful ,guarded and respectful with her. Time makes us realize another individual's positive qualities and accept people for what they are. No one talks about son-in-law versus mother-in-law ,because the chances of interaction are less compared to that between two women. This is one likely cause.
@allknowing (87434)
• India
20 Mar 13
Treading on egg shells could perhaps best explains your relationship with your mother-in-law. When the prime years are spent in fear no credit should be given to the fact that age helps mature a relationship. The fact that you were not the cause should give you peace in your old age. My father-in-law never liked my husband but he liked me. I kept a distance. What good is that relationship when my husband never got it! Perhaps he was jealous of the wonderful relationship between my husand and his mother. They adored each other.
1 person likes this
@kalav56 (11496)
• India
20 Mar 13
That is true; we always need to obey our conscience in order to be peaceful.But even here my 'prime ' years were only three and after that parents--in-law had to take care of one grandchild and went to another place.I have not had any complaint but treading on egg shells is always bound to be there.It is strange why a father could not get along with his son but liked his daughter-in-law; what is the use!
@kalav56 (11496)
• India
20 Mar 13
wrote a comment for nurseafra in the box above.Check it !
@Janey1966 (24168)
• Carlisle, England
20 Mar 13
Woman Hitler definitely describes my MIL! She used to be an interfering busy-body who liked nothing better than to undermine both me and my hubby (she knew best) and I'm pleased to say it's coming up to nearly a year since we fell out and she's refusing to set foot in this house. Suits me!
@allknowing (87434)
• India
20 Mar 13
Too bad for you Janey. What is it that these mothers-in-law just cannot see eye to eye with their daughters-in-law. Could it be jealousy that she now has to share or even give away fully her son whom she so adored? What was it that triggered differences between the two of you? If you say 'good riddance of bad rubbish' then 'let sleeping dogs lie' What say?
@Janey1966 (24168)
• Carlisle, England
20 Mar 13
To be honest, she can be horrible to everyone, including her husband. I've witnessed him treading on eggshells in her presence. Why? She drinks like a fish, that's way...usually whisky, a drink that would make me sick (and has done in the past) with just a few gulps. So, naturally, if she's away from her whisky bottle for any length of time i.e. coming round here..she can be extremely moody and awkward, hence our major argument last year. She stormed out, told my hubby later on at their house she's 'never going to set foot in that house again' and, to her credit, she hasn't! She's the one that's being stubborn, not me. I don't go round there because she doesn't come round here. If she changed her ways I would too, it's as simple as that. Alienating herself is just silly. She's already done it with her sister, a sister she hasn't seen for years because she refuses to acknowledge her existence. I would love to hear her sister's side of events as I bet it's way different to my MILs. That's just it you see, my MIL is NEVER in the wrong and will never admit it either. My FIL does come round to do little jobs around the house but he comes on his own now. He's much more relaxed but I can tell he's itching to go after about an hour, otherwise his Mrs will be on the phone hassling him. It's all a bit pathetic but at least my FIL realises that - even if he doesn't like me so much it's not fair giving his own son the cold shoulder treatment as well, although he does actually speak to me. One thing my FIL is good at is being two-faced but if it means jobs like the chandelier in the hallway being installed, I can't complain can I?
@allknowing (87434)
• India
21 Mar 13
From what I read surely your mil needs therapy. I don't think she is happy in the condition she is in.
@ShyBear88 (42212)
• United States
20 Mar 13
I have no issues with my mother in law and ahe like me right back in the same way.
@allknowing (87434)
• India
20 Mar 13
So you are made for each other!! Most combinations are deadly!
@ShyBear88 (42212)
• United States
20 Mar 13
No we aren't mace for each other that would be just weird. We just respect each other.
@allknowing (87434)
• India
21 Mar 13
Nothing weird about it ShyBear. There are relationships that just fit like a glove. Anyway it suffices that you are fine with her.
@Mintlin (323)
• China
31 Mar 13
Regarding my relationship with my mother in law,well,how to express that? I think we are just fine. Honestly,i do not like my parents in law much,they are from countryside and very traditional,old-fashioned and superstitious,i rarely talk to them,because we always have different point of view on things.now we live together,we are in upstairs while they are in downstairs. thanks god,we cook spearated,which makes me feel better.my mother in law has a really bad relatioship with her mother in law (my husband's grandmother),though,they treat me as an enemy,it looks like i will rob their son from them.I donot understand. but since they are my husband's parents,i still respect them even i dislike them. I havenot have kids yet,but i think one day,if i have a boy, i will working hard on my relationship with my DIL,i'm sure i will treat her just as my own daughter .
@allknowing (87434)
• India
31 Mar 13
There are different types of relationships that have absolutely no problem except the relationship that a daughter-in-law has with her MIL. You do have a problem but luckily you have some breathing space. You can cook your own food. That is really nice.
@WakeUpKitty (8696)
• Netherlands
23 Mar 13
I never heard about that anagram for a mother in law and I must say I do find it very insulting! A mother in law is not worser as a father in law. Personally I am not looking for any qualities in a mother in law. I am a person, an adult and so is my mother in law, who also is the mother of my husband. There is no need for her to be my servant, baby sitter or whatever. BTW I don't think any of the bf's of my (already) adult daughters would or will ever say I am a terrible mother in law. I also do not interfere in my daughters relationships. To me it's most important they are happy and I don't care in what way or with whom.
@allknowing (87434)
• India
24 Mar 13
That is a famous anagram more in jest I suppose! You will find it in this link: http://www.wordsmith.org/anagram/hof.html There are wonderful MOTHERS-IN-LAW. Mine was one and so was my mother to her daughter-in-law. They got along well. Finally it is how one adjusts to each other. You are on the right track with regard to how a relationship should be between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law.
• India
20 Mar 13
Hi friend, me and my MIL is having a good relationship, she consider me as her own son and i consider her as my mum. In the same way my wife and my mother have a good relationship. Even though we are living separately from our parents, we will go to our parents place twice or thrice in a week and have a lot of fun and enjoyment with our parents and kids.
@allknowing (87434)
• India
21 Mar 13
Not all are as fortunate as you and your wife. I am sure both of you must have made adjustments or your in-laws must have. Nothing comes on a platter and so to have peace one needs to work towards it. Will you share your experience here?
20 Mar 13
For me i prepare to have a good mother in law in which she can understand me, love me and take good care as how she treat her own daughter and son..
@allknowing (87434)
• India
21 Mar 13
Preparing is a good idea but at the time of implementation it may not go well. I wish you the best. What kind of preparation are you on?
@sriroshan (2585)
• India
20 Mar 13
That's the reason they are called Mother in laws. They always like to show their power or like to command over their daughter in law, but it is we who has to understand them and make the things work fine rather than make it worst.
@allknowing (87434)
• India
20 Mar 13
I sometimes think whether this system of embracing new family connections at a time when all are adults really works as adjustments become very difficult.
• China
20 Mar 13
When I got married,my mother was a little worried about the relationship between my wife and her.There had been some stories in our community showing it was a little difficult for a mother-in-law and a son-in-law or a daughter-in-law.So my mother always follows what my wife wants.She is tries not to make my wife unhappy.Sometimes, when my wife is not happy,my mother will ask me what has happened,or if she has done something wrong.I always tell her that as long as they can respect each other,there's no need to worry so much about it. The same situation happens in my wife.She also tries her best to make my mother happy,and tries to do as much housework as possible.But she is a little busy with her work. I think the relationship between them in my family is just normally OK.They both try to respect each other,but till now the relationship is not natural yet.It still needs some time for the two to become naturally close to each other.
@allknowing (87434)
• India
20 Mar 13
Glad to see a male talking about this relationship. A husband has a big role to play in maintaining peace between his mother and his wife and you seem to be doing just that. To topple the apple cart is easy but keeping it in balance needs the support of everyone around.
• India
20 Mar 13
I am still unmarried, but from what I have seen around me, I feel that the relationship between MIL and DIL is never velvety. It takes a couple of years and a lot of patience for a DIL to develop a feeling of likeness for her, in her MIL's heart. There are cases where MILs are very sweet and caring, but then the DILs are extremely rude and misbehave with them. I feel that DILs should respect their MIL and FIL no matter how they are because after all they are our elders. As we respect our parents likewise we should respect them also. The same goes for in-laws, they should also treat their DILs with love and affection and should care for them. Whenever the time will come, I will surely practice my words.
@allknowing (87434)
• India
20 Mar 13
The relationship is not available on a platter. It needs to be developed. It depends on the husband as well in that he should not compare his wife to his mother and that is when the wife starts developing bad feelings for the ma-in-law. Finally it is destiny as there are several who get along well, both understanding each other.
@pomwango (1354)
• Kenya
20 Mar 13
i guess this will forever be a delicate issue because most MIL believe no lady is good enough for their son.she will keep judging everything you do and you will most of the time fall below the average mark.i think what is best is to just believe in yourself and pray your husband also loves you enough to also not entertain negative remarks about you.its good if you realise your mother in law does not like you just keep off her way and when you must be as nice to her as possible.
@allknowing (87434)
• India
20 Mar 13
To sustain a ma-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship it is best that they live separately and she is not brought in to sort out matters or to help take decisions. It is a long drawn process really to either win over or keep her at a distance, the latter being the more difficult choice!
@lelin1123 (15634)
• Puerto Rico
20 Mar 13
I love my mother-in-law like a second mom. She does not get involved in our business and she is really very nice to me. We get along quite well and I have never had a problem with her or my father-in-law. In fact they stick up for me before their own son. Which I find hysterical. Then again they know how he is and what I'm dealing with on a daily basis.
@allknowing (87434)
• India
20 Mar 13
This reminds me of my mother and her daughter-in-law. They always teamed up against the son and husband!. Theirs was a perfect relationship, ever concerned for each other. Yours must be a similar set up which is quite rare.