She Came in the Night and Took the Children
By cynthiann
@cynthiann (18602)
Jamaica
March 25, 2013 9:35am CST
I was expecting my soon to be ex DIL to come on Saturday and had prepared the children. They were anxious as they hadn't seen her since she abandoned them nearly 6 months ago. I was very positive and said that they would be staying at their other GM. (who BTW, lives 15 minutes away and only asked to see them once, depsite being assured she could have access to them)
So she turned up late in the night last Friday and demanded to take them. My GD woke up easily but my GS was still asleep when they put him in the car. My son and I went into shock though he quickly packed a bag with clothes and toiletries for them. She did not come in to the house. I stayed awake all night.
Early the next morning my daughter and adopted daughter jumped into action and drove down to stay the weekend with me - they know me well.
The DIL called me Saturday and cooly told me that I needn't go to their Sports Day on Tuesday as she will be there. I told her that I would go but not all day as they do not have seating etc. She told me not to bother.
Heck lady - I have wiped their tears and cuddled them for nearly six months; I have tended to them when they were sick; I have made excuses to them about your abandoning them and assured them of your love; I have dealt with their anger and bad behaviour and now when they are settled - (only because we monitor your calls to them and you know if you tell them to hate us, then the calls will be terminated) you are going to order me to stay away from their sport's day?
I have done the school run, homework and helped them with tests (they did amazingly well) and I have coped with all their problems. I have devoted -willingly- all my time and love to them and so if I want to go to their sport's day for a few hours with their big sister then I will.
I miss them so much and don't tell me they have a right to be with their mother. I know that and promote that but I miss them. I also know that when they come back in two weeks time I will probably have to face the same crapola that I faced when you left them in my care.
Am I wrong to go?
10 people like this
35 responses
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
25 Mar 13
I hate this woman more and more each time you mention her. She is not fit to be a mother. She doesn't deserve those kids. All she's doing is messing up their lives! The nerve of her to come in the middle of the night while the kids are sleeping!
Yes, you have every right to go to their sports day. It is your right as their grandmother. Even if the past 6 months hadn't happened, you still have every right to be there. It's about the kids, and they would love having you there as well as their mother.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
25 Mar 13
Kat, I can't stop crying. I had told them that I would go for a few hours but their sister would be there all the time.
2 people like this
@katsmeow1213 (28717)
• United States
25 Mar 13
Then I would simply tell her that you're going because you told the kids you would, and you never lie or break promises to kids.. see if she gets the hint!
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
25 Mar 13
Yes, I will go and talk to the school today to time it when the kids will be doing their events so I will see them
2 people like this
@AmbiePam (85498)
• United States
25 Mar 13
No, you are not in the wrong. Any chance you're going to tell her all that? Someone needs to tell her, even if she doesn't seem to be listening. Sometimes we act like we don't care, but the harsh words kind of sink in anyway. I wish someone in her family would be frank with her, but it sounds like she turned out badly partly due to her own parents. I mean none of this should have been on your shoulders. But you know the situation and I'm sure what you think is best to do, IS the best thing to do.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
25 Mar 13
I will not argue with her in front of the children. But if I get the opportunity to say something then I will. She knws the score but twists and manipulates.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
26 Mar 13
No, I think that she got a late flight and decided to take them instead of waiting to the morning and arranging a time to collect them . But who knows?
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (157555)
• United States
25 Mar 13
Go, cynthiann, go. . . they will expect you, regardless of what their mother says, and I am pretty sure the school will expect you and they know the situation. If you were to not go she would tell them it is because you do not care. I hope you will not be starting at square one in two weeks.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
26 Mar 13
I am preparing myself for it to happen Hatley. I expect pure grief from them until they settle back again into our routine
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
25 Mar 13
Yes, I am going to go as I have a right to be there and will not be intimidated. (I am easily intimidated usually, but I will not be this time)
2 people like this
@carmelanirel (20942)
• United States
25 Mar 13
Wow that's tough, because you'd want to be there for your grandchildren, but you don't want to make waves with the mother who obviously has some issues. I don't know what to say, other than try to appeal to any conscience this woman may have and ask if you can be there because you want to be, not because you have to.
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
25 Mar 13
I promised them, dear friend, and so I will be there - even though it may be for only a few hours
3 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
25 Mar 13
I am asking everyone to pray for me. Thank you
2 people like this
@celticeagle (159058)
• Boise, Idaho
25 Mar 13
Wrong to go? I bet the kids would think something was wrong if you didn't go. She is a heartless wench to say the very least. She is jealous of the relationship you have with the children and wants them to herself. Selfish. Very selfish.
2 people like this
d why that sneaking around in the middle of the night?
@celticeagle (159058)
• Boise, Idaho
25 Mar 13
Good for you! You are the one that has a relationship with this children and they with you. She is just there when it is convenient for her.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
25 Mar 13
I will be going and taking iced drinks and snacks plus sun block as it is so hot. I feel that I have a right to be there as I promised them I would
2 people like this
@Laurenlynn (715)
• Canada
25 Mar 13
Hi Cynthiann I have read this discussion and I am sure you have had more on this topic but if I am reading correctly it sounds like you have a DIL from "hell". First of all I am understanding they live with you and your son and she came and woke them up in the middle of the night. Right there is a Big Red Flag for me if she was a decent mother why wouldn't she let them sleep? It also sounds to me like you are a very loving GM and she is ungrateful about this. As hard as this is Cynthiann the children know deep down how much you love them, I know how I would feel if my DIL came in between me and my GC, Oh I would be fit to be tied. As for you going to anything sports, school functions you go, you have every right to be there I am hearing more and more about Grandparents rights and I think in cases like this, this is why they (the law) is stepping in. You and your son work together as a team believe me those children know how much you love them no matter what the "Nut bar" says. Hang in there!
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
25 Mar 13
oh myGod cynthiann If that woman found Jesus she sure did
not learn m ch from Him as no good Christan would abandon their own children so the teachings must not have taken with her at all. Probably just an excuse not to have to come back and actually be a real mom to her own children .,
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
25 Mar 13
Well, I am being cynical but to everyone who doesn't know - Jesus lives in Florida. She has joined one of these apparenlty cult churches
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
25 Mar 13
I have discussed this before - about five or six months ago. My son and my DIL split up nearly a year ago. She asked to live in my home untilmshe found a place and I agreed. Then she found Jesus in the USA and came back for two weeks and then took off - virtually abandining them for nearly six months. The twins were so angry and I have dealt with it all. She is full of hateand is feeding the children all kinds of hate. It has not been easy.
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
25 Mar 13
i got so angry reading this. The only thing that would make me angrier would be if you did NOT got to their sports day. i would then feel like a did not know you at all. The you that I know would never let this woman dictate to you. Go and watch for as long as you are able. This woman is like she is because she knows that she has been a lame mom and a part of her feels guilty.
2 people like this
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
25 Mar 13
i had to run out in the middle of responding to you. i wanted to add...do you trust her to bring the kids back to you ? i get it that she is their mom and all but you are the one that has been there for them. She lives out of the country and from all you have told us, she just seems mentally unstable. i am not sure i'd trust it.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
25 Mar 13
She cannot take them out of the country at this point. There is a stop order at airports. She could only take them if the judge allowed it as she could be charged with kidbapping so we will get them home. I am fretting about the damage she wil have done. I am going tomorrow - definitely. I made them a promise and they always say that I am the one who keeps a promise
@lilybug (21107)
• United States
25 Mar 13
That woman makes my blood boil. She had no right to come get them in the middle of the nigh. She also has no right to tell you that you are not to go to their sports day. You have been more of a mother to them then she has. I do hope that you plan on going anyway. You have every right to be there and you already told the twins that you were going.
I hope these 2 weeks pass by quickly and the twins are no worse for her being there.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
25 Mar 13
I have no illusions that when she leaves they will not be damaged. They will, I am sure of it. And so, I will start again to give them stability and support. I love them so much and know that they are only on loan to me but she just makes it all so much harder lilybug
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
25 Mar 13
I have decided to go. I am asking around if anyone has a folding chair that I could use as I cannot stand that length of time
2 people like this
@artemeis (4194)
• China
25 Mar 13
I really do not understand how your daughter in law can be so inhumane and could not realize just how she does not know that her children will be picking up after her. Anyway, I am sure what goes round comes around and she will definitely be having a desserts in due time.
Please go because you are keeping your word with your grandchildren. They need to know that their grandmother counts and meant every word she has given. They need to learn what it means to be sincere, responsible and loving. Your daughter in law may mean the end of the world but it is people like you that give hope to this earth and probably the reason why it is still in orbit.
@artemeis (4194)
• China
26 Mar 13
I think it is important for your GC to learn and be able to separate the scums in life from the premiums like yourself. You do not need to make promises when your given word counts.
I am sure that slime DIL could not be anywhere near even when she makes promises she can't even keep.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
25 Mar 13
Thank you for your very kind words. I am just shattered. I will go because I promised then that I would and they nknow that I always keep my promises to them.
2 people like this
@bingskee (5234)
• Philippines
25 Mar 13
i am sorry to hear about this.
i am just puzzled, very puzzled, about your DIL's attitude. what's the big deal with you going? it's not like you're taking your grandchildren away from her.
i wonder what i am going to do if put in such a situation.
go you must.
i am just puzzled, very puzzled, about your DIL's attitude. what's the big deal with you going? it's not like you're taking your grandchildren away from her.
i wonder what i am going to do if put in such a situation.
go you must. 2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
25 Mar 13
She is using the children to get custody of them in the upcoming divorce. she wants them to tellthe judge that they want to live with her and not with their father and me. She tells the children to hate me and disobey me but I am the one caring for them as her mother would not take them.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
25 Mar 13
She is a very angry person. I want things stable for the children not the way she wants it.
2 people like this
@bingskee (5234)
• Philippines
25 Mar 13
how ungrateful. i am truly saddened for the children. it makes me wonder why mothers such as this one could not see how it could affect the children very much. she shouldn't be antagonizing you because you are very loving to your grandchildren,
2 people like this
@lelin1123 (15595)
• Puerto Rico
25 Mar 13
You have every right to be there as the mom. After all that you have done for the past six months. She has alot of gaul to tell you to stay away. She must be so jealous of you and how good you were to the children. I can't imagine what changes these kids are now going through being with their mom. I don't remember the back story as to you had the kids but she the mom needs to be grateful to you. She needs to work with you to have good communication with the kids. If they see her the mom behaving in this way the kids will pick up on it. That create negative energy which is not good for anyone especially these poor kids. You better go to the sports day who does she think she is.
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
26 Mar 13
I promise you that I am going. I have bought extra water, juice, and snacks to take as it will be so hot. I will even take a thermos of coffee and stay for as long as I can.
@WakeUpKitty (8694)
• Netherlands
25 Mar 13
It is hard to say why she left, it's easy to say she just abandoned her children. I always wonder how much courage that takes as well. Since it's sooo normal for a dad to walk out (and show up after 20 years and play the great dad) as it is for a mother. I don't think you will ever find out or there will ever be some connection.
You did what you could do and the only thing thing that will be for sure is that those childeren will remember it for sure. No matter if they come back to you or not.
There will come a time that there is no need to say good things, to find excuses, I would advise you not to do so anymore. childeren are capable to see what is really going on. And they will. The mother has the right to be with her childeren as well, no matter what kind of mother she is. Might be one day the childeren won't like that anymore. But if so it has to be their own decision, not made by what others say/said or want.
You are not wrong
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
25 Mar 13
They split up almost a year ago and she asked to stay in my home when she came back with the children until she found a job and a home for them. I agreed. She then wanted a little vacation in the US (plus a 'friend' is there) on the auspices that she would look for a job. She returned after two weeks having found Jesus in Fla and two weeks later took off for good after telling them sge was going for the weekend only. Previously she had left them with me from they were 17 months until they were 3 and a half. Get the picture?
She did not have to leave as she is highly qualified and was offered a wonderful job on the Island being paid in HS dollars. She chose to go. No one made her go.
1 person likes this
@robspeakman (1700)
•
25 Mar 13
Hello Cythiann.
Quite frankly there is no correct solution to this one.
I am not going to judge your DIL - I don't know her and I have no idea what her motives are, it would be wrong to judge her.
As for the sports day.... toughie that one.
Some times it is best to be brutally honest - Sorry in advance.
This situation over the sports day is not about your DIL or you... I do believe you know that.....It is about the Children and should be viewed from their point of view.
There is no doubt that your DIL has told them that you will not be there. So the children will likely not be expecting you to turn up.
However....
You have cared for them these last six months and they would be upset if you don't show up to cheer them on, regardless of what their mother has told them. They will expect you to show up - That is how children think.
What should be weighed up is - If you show up, is your DIL going to cause a scene and upset your grandchildren?
Is the fact that it is a public place going to ensure that the kids to not witness any obvious tension?
If there is not going to be a scene, then you should go... The Children will be watching for you.
Families? - I can't stand my in-laws, I haven't seen them for 15 years. Yet I have never said that they can't see the children - They chose not to
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
25 Mar 13
It can take a man to get to the bottom line. I have just spoken to my son who is delivering clothes for sport's day to where they are staying and he will tell them that I will be there for a while. He is also trying to to be there for his children but if you know his occupation then you can understand how hard this is for him to arrange. So they will know and no, she will not cause any scene in front of the children. I don't do scenes anyway and would walk away in silence but still stay at the field. This lady is a lady.
I have just spoken to my son who is delivering clothes for sport's day to where they are staying and he will tell them that I will be there for a while. He is also trying to to be there for his children but if you know his occupation then you can understand how hard this is for him to arrange. So they will know and no, she will not cause any scene in front of the children. I don't do scenes anyway and would walk away in silence but still stay at the field. This lady is a lady.3 people like this
@bellis716 (4799)
• United States
27 Mar 13
I think you were right to go to their sports day. A child has a right to more than one representative. I just hope that the children are brought back in 2 weeks as promised.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
27 Mar 13
She cannot take them off the Island as there is a stop order at the airports
@kprofgames (3091)
• United States
25 Mar 13
You aren't wrong to go. It wasn't right for her to tell you not too. I wonder if due to her nasty disposition she is trying to poison their minds against you. You know the drill - I'm here now so grandma doesn't want you.
That is the first thing that pops into my mind because dealt with that with my step children and their mother.
Regardless of her or you, it's the kids that are always in the middle of everything. Just be as you always have been. Supportive and there for them. That's all you can do till she gets tired and takes off again.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
26 Mar 13
Thank you for such support. I have cried for two days but feel better reading and responding to such positive responses from mylotters. I will go and see them in their events
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
26 Mar 13
I will try but physically difficult as I had two open heart surgeries last year and have not fully recovered - complications
@kprofgames (3091)
• United States
26 Mar 13
Being a tower is hard. You have a lot of strength in you to handle this so far. Keep your chin up because these children will need you to be strong again once she leaves.
1 person likes this
@JamesKYTan (1605)
• Malaysia
26 Mar 13
Your daughter-in-law is a bad bad woman. How can she deny a grandmother's law for her grandchildren. Anyway try to persuade her and your son to batch up get together again for the sake of their children. Children need the love of father and mother staying together. Understanding is needed.
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
26 Mar 13
No, certain things have been done and there can be no reconciliation regretfully.
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
26 Mar 13
I do think that she was a bit unfair when she told you not to come over. But then again, maybe she feels intimidated with the fact that you have been a lot closer with the kids than her. Just be as understanding as you can.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
26 Mar 13
I have never quarrelled with another woman and would not start to do so. The cildren have only heard respect from me re their mother. she is more likely to want to quarrel in fron of them but if she starts then I will walk away
@jenny1015 (13366)
• Philippines
27 Mar 13
I just hope you could patch things up....for the children's sake. You are the most important people in the kids' lives and I am sure that they would want you all to be happy and have good relations.
@LovingMyBabies (85127)
• Valdosta, Georgia
25 Mar 13
To be honest, I don't think she should have any right to them at all. As you said your the one who has cared for them and loved them-way more than she ever has. She likes having them around when it benefits her. When it doesn't she wants to drop them like a piece of trash. That is not a mother! Maybe she gave birth to them, that is about the only good she did for them. You and I both know it takes a lot more than that to consider someone a mother.
You have EVERY right to go to their sports day! Your way more of a mother to them than she is or will ever be...
1 person likes this
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
25 Mar 13
hi again you know I have been thinking about all this I cannot see how any good jhudge seeing how you have had to care for them for so long and their own mom dropped them off like so many sacks of groceries is going to award her custody of those poor grandchildren of yours, I bet that the dad and you will
get custody of them if ther judge has any kind of good commonb sense.
get custody of them if ther judge has any kind of good commonb sense.1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
25 Mar 13
I had them from they were 17 months until they were three and a half. I have had close contact with them for the past year and have taken care of them daily from last October. She left them with me. She wanted to turn up to surprise them but I said no way. My son told her that she should respect them by letting them know when she was coming and when she was leaving. She cannot be appearing and disappearing in and out of their lives. Neither can she disrespect me or my children to them. She is confusing them and they were such angry children. Thank you for your very kind words. I know that they are not mine and she will have them one day but don't mess them up. And yes, I am entitled to go to their sport's day
2 people like this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
25 Mar 13
Thank you Hatley but you have to remember that I live in a Third World country that operates under, for the most part, the British system of law. They usually give custody to the mother. I don't know what will happen but my son will not put them in front of a judge and ask them to choose which parent they shoudl live with at six years old. It is a heck of a situation
@fannekhan (783)
• India
25 Mar 13
let go and as a well wisher pray for the children and their selfish mother. As you grow older you must practice detachment or else you will end up lonely and desperate for love. Like Jesus said loving a person who responds to your love is easy, anyone can do it but loving someone who does not respond isthe real test. So learn to love all but be detached. If you do that you will find miracles happening in your life and those of your near and dear ones.
1 person likes this
@cynthiann (18602)
• Jamaica
25 Mar 13
I am a Christian and believe me, the children and I pray for their mother and other family members each night. I wish her no harm but I care about the effect she has on the children
