Foster care - good or evil?
By savak03
@savak03 (6684)
United States
August 2, 2015 2:12pm CST
About three years ago my son's baby momma left his kids with her younger brother while she traveled to where he was because she thought he had money and that he should be giving to her. while she was away from her kids she got arrested and spent some time in jail so she couldn't get right back. Things were not going so well for this younger brother and as a result someone reported that the children were being neglected. Unfortunately, when the department of family and children services showed up they apparently found enough reason to remove the children from the home. We tried to get the kids placed in our care but we were working across state lines and state governments don't like to cooperate very much with each other. So, I sent my son back to where the kids were so he could follow up there. When their mom was released she went home too and they worked together to provide a home adequate to satisfy the department but the department kept dragging their heels. Eventually the mom fell off the wagon and stopped cooperating with the department. The fact that they didn't have transportation and every appointment they needed to attend was in a neighboring town it made it really difficult. The department was almost to the point of severing the mothers rights completely and for some reason could not read the paternity papers properly to rule that my son was indeed their father. So I came down and to help.
I quickly figured out where the problem was. Two of the children were born out of state and that states paternity papers were written up differently. So, I took the papers, turned to the relevant passage that proved paternity and showed each one to the district attorney and the children's attorney. Then they understood them and that barrier was removed. It didn't take long for the judge to decide that my son was indeed a fit parent and awarded him custody.
During all this time we were getting glowing reports of what good foster homes they were in and how well they were doing, I expected their would be some transition problems moving them back home even though the kids maintained all along they wanted to come home. I figured the first few weeks to a couple of months it would take some effort to acclimatize them to living at home and to reassure them that this would be the last change of adults in their lives. But I was totally unprepared for the behavior patterns they have developed in the last three plus years.
For one thing I have concluded that the glowing reports I got were highly doctored. They had the two oldest kids 7 and 6 on amphetamines claiming they were ADHD. They had the youngest one on some type of allergy medicine that probably worked in a similar way. I immediately stopped the meds and took them to our family doctor who was shocked that they would do that. They also said the oldest was asthmatic. She is not and they are not ADHD either. What I think happened was they picked up on the behavior of a child in one of the homes that was ADHD and saw how much attention that behavior got him so they adopted the same behavior to get their share of the attention. I have also been told that foster parents are not allowed leeway to discipline the children in their care so if a child is acting out (and which one wouldn't after being snatched from everyone they knew and placed with strangers) they medicate them to maintain control.
A lot of what did go on in the homes they were placed in has come to light from school papers that were given me showing discipline problems. One even had a note from the foster mother in reply that said that the child was acting this way at school and at her home because she wanted to go home with their daddy. Tell me kids ain't smart.
So, now, after three plus years in foster care with no discipline and inappropriate medication I have my work cut out for me to modify their behavior. But like I keep telling my son, they didn't get like this overnight and we are not going to be able to fix it overnight.
1 person likes this
3 responses
@pumpkinjam (8876)
• United Kingdom
2 Aug 15
I have known people who have fostered children and most are good people who do their best. Unfortunately, some are not. It's not really surprising that a child who is happy with their own parent(s) will act out when taken away.
I don't know about where you are but I know there where I am, foster carers have to act a certain way and are not allowed leeway in matters of discipline. I hope that you can help your son and your grandchildren but, you are right, it won't be easy. But they are young enough to be taught, and old enough to understand.
2 people like this
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
2 Aug 15
I know you are right and for the most part they had good foster homes. It's not these caring people that take in other people's children who I am upset with. It is the system that places a child and then proceeds to tell you basically you can't teach them anything because discipline is necessary to learning. And I am upset that their only answer for hard to handle children is medication. In this regard the schools are equally to blame because if a child disrupts the class they want to medicate him to keep him quiet. It doesn't help that I understand that is their only recourse because they too are constrained from any useful discipline.
I have made some progress so far in correcting some of the behavior that is inappropriate and unacceptable. These moments give me hope. I keep reminding my son, who isn't as patient as me that it will take time. Since we missed establishing our family values in them when they were young. To get that done now is going to take a lot of patience and love. Of course I have the experience of raising my own children to draw from, a resource he lacks. But I remind him of some of the things we went through when he was young and he listens to me.
1 person likes this
@bagarad (14283)
• Paso Robles, California
5 Aug 15
I have been a foster parent and known some other good foster parents. I have also known good and bad social workers. I could write a book on what I've seen. A friend of mine has an entire website that is a resource for parents whose children have been taken away. I wish it had been there about twenty years ago, when my disturbed adopted teenage daughter decided to run away and accuse us of child abuse.
Some states want to get as many children into foster care as possible, whether it's best for the children or not. Some children are abused in foster homes, and some even die. And then there are those my daughter was lucky enough to get who had known her when she was still at home and got licensed especially to take her. They did their best, but in the end they couldn't do any more for her than we could, and they finally had to put her in a group home to make her follow even the few rules the county had.
1 person likes this
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
5 Aug 15
I know you are right. When you are the one fighting to get your kids back it is easy to blame the system but they have a hard job and some of them do it well. In situations like this I ask myself if I could do their job. Most of the time my answer is no. I would never survive having to make the life decisions these people have to make.
At the time they took my grand kids it needed doing. I was deathly ill with the flu or I would have gone after them myself. I just wish we could have gotten the two states that needed to be involved to work together for the good of the children instead of worrying about which state was going to have to pay for the kids care. I also wish it hadn't taken me so long to figure out they would never work together so we could have come back to where the kids were sooner.
We like to think the system will work but sometimes it just don't. I'm glad we finally prevailed.
1 person likes this
@cupkitties (7421)
• United States
3 Aug 15
My girls had to stay in a foster home for a short time while my ex and I were separated and going through the divorce procedures. I won't go into how they got there right now. It's too long a story.
But, the girls told me that they were given a bag of potato chips for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
I was also told that the foster parents took the clothes and toys that were sent for them and gave them away to the other kids.
My dhs case worker was awesome though. Unfortunately she quit after the case was over with.
1 person likes this
@savak03 (6684)
• United States
3 Aug 15
There is good and bad in any situation. I have heard the horror stories myself. Some adults decide to be foster parents for the money the state pays them. Others do it because they truly love kids and want to help. We were blessed with for the most part with foster parents of the good variety. In fact when they came home they brought so much stuff home with them I know the foster parents spent more money on them than the state gave them to keep them. Of course they're being spoiled like that is probably another reason their behavior is so poor now that they are home.
2 people like this




