Gay Men Married to Women

Together 55 years after Joe left his wife and kids
@GreatMartin (23682)
Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
August 8, 2016 11:58am CST
After reading some discussions and comments here over the past year and an email discussion back and forth with a woman who found out she is married to a gay man I thought I would put this out for discussion. It is long and please keep in mind these are MY experiences, thoughts, ideas, etc. and say what you want but be respectful and if anyone wants to discuss it more with me feel free to email me. *******************************************************************************************. I have 5 close friends--who by the way I won't name by name and/or initials--two who have been married but are now divorced--all 5 have grown children and 4 have grandchildren. All except one knew they were gay when they got married. Why did they marry? In the 50s and 60s gay men got married because of pressure from society and from themselves. At that time if you wanted to get ahead in the business world if you were married or, even better, married with children you had a better chance of advancing than over the single guy. Married men were thought to be more stable, more responsible, more adult. It was easier to get along in business, the community, in life if you were a family man. One of the men thought getting married would make him straight, another thought the desires would go away and a third didn't know he was gay. (The latter, who came out about 10 years ago when he realized that he was gay is the divorced one and is making up for lost time.) A couple of the men wanted to get divorces but they knew they would lose everything financially but, more important, would/could lose their children possibly not allowed to see them. (It's a little better now but back then it was a reality that you could lose everything.) There was also the case where if they came out they could lose their jobs along with everything else--for you younger folks discrimination laws didn't start getting passed until the 80s. How did the men survive? By sneaking around--having anonymous sex in bathrooms, back rooms of bars, X rated movies, parks, anywhere, anyplace they could go or going to 'male sex workers'. If they were entrapped their names would appear in the papers and most would have to leave where they lived. All the men are now retired--one as I mentioned is making up for lost time--the other, who is divorced, went through about 2-3 lovers and has now lived with his current partner for 8 years. His kids have accepted him (and his partner) unconditionally and no longer has sex with other men. Of the 3 others 2 do volunteer work so they can get out 'away' to do what they need to do during the day. The last one has a wife who is with him 24/7 and he pours out his feelings via e-mail and tries to live through the 'adventures' of others. Since he has retired he has had various illnesses--coincidence? I am not condoning or condemning these men--they did what they felt they had to do at the time and not one would change having had children. Are things any better today? Are gay men getting married because they feel they have to? To 'prove' to themselves that they aren't gay, maybe being bi-sexual is 'better'? (How come I never hear of a gay man sneaking out on his male lover to have sex with a female? Why is it only gay men who say they are bi-sexual? But that's a whole other discussion!) To have children? They can do that without getting married. And the wives? I know one who has to know about her husband but would rather not know. I really believe 3 others had no idea. The one who did know--he told her why he wanted the divorce--felt betrayed and has been very bitter ever since. Why do gay men get married today knowing they will be cheating on their wives. Afraid they will hurt their family if they come out? How many women are married to men who are gay and don't know it? I really don't understand why TODAY a gay man will get married to a woman--any ideas?
9 people like this
5 responses
@TheHorse (201100)
• Walnut Creek, California
8 Aug 16
I don't know the statistics, but with the acceptance of gay marriage, and the ability to adopt children, perhaps things will change. I know someone (a woman) who married a gay man knowingly, because in her business, it was better to be married than not married.
2 people like this
@vandana7 (98085)
• India
8 Aug 16
I would too...for the rotten society we have. Gay men are kinder...
3 people like this
@Mike197602 (15473)
• United Kingdom
8 Aug 16
@vandana7 that's a bit of a generalisation thereI've known a few gay blokes that are nasty individuals.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (201100)
• Walnut Creek, California
8 Aug 16
@vandana7 Although I'm a straight male, I find that gay men tend to be kind and interesting as well. But of course, in their relationships, they have the same issues as straight couples do.
2 people like this
@Mike197602 (15473)
• United Kingdom
8 Aug 16
In our respective societies it is now pretty much accepted if you are a gay person. Wait for some responses from other countries...if they are honest they'll admit being gay is not very accepted there. People are still being killed for being gay in some countries. So I'd say in some countries and in some circumstances I can see why gay people (men or women) want to keep it secret.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (201100)
• Walnut Creek, California
8 Aug 16
Agreed. England, and even the US, are more "progressive" than, say, Saudi Arabia. Heh.
@owlwings (43915)
• Cambridge, England
8 Aug 16
I feel very deeply for those who felt forced into a marriage or who had to accept that marriage was the only way of becoming a 'decent citizen'. I just hope that some of them have loving and understanding wives (or husbands) and families who can accept the way that they are happiest. Sadly, very few do.
2 people like this
@GreatMartin (23682)
• Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
9 Aug 16
Some wives are accepting because they don't have to worry about other women--some like the security financially--some don't want to know--some have an 'understanding' but though both the husband and wife may get what they want they don't get what they need. The marriage is based on a lie.
1 person likes this
@simone10 (54192)
• Louisville, Kentucky
11 Aug 16
I really don't know why a gay man would marry a woman today. Maybe it has to do with family not accepting...don't really know. I think it is sad when this happens for both the man and the wife.
1 person likes this
@GreatMartin (23682)
• Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
12 Aug 16
For the same reason they did a decade ago--just look at the people who follow Trump or the Republican platform--still a lot of hate and discrimination against gays.
1 person likes this
9 Aug 16
This reminds me of another story that I probably saw on Oprah's show. There was a married couple who were seemingly very happy. They had a beautiful daughter. However, after they had their child, the husband started acting funny and eventually told his wife that he had been hiding a terrible secret all along from her and sought forgiveness because he had no intention to crumble her happy family. He confessed that he was gay and that he could no longer live with her. After a few days, the wife came over to him and started weeping inconsolably. She said that even she hadn't been completely honest with him and had infact hidden a huge secret from him as well. Turns out that even she was lesbian and had infact even cheated on him. All this mess just because they wanted to force their lives to 'normalcy' and thought that forcing themselves to live straight lives would cure them of their 'mental peculiarities'. I'm glad times have been changing. It's good society has been more accepting of late. I shudder to imagine what would happen to innocent people giving up on all happiness just to be more accepted.
1 person likes this
@GreatMartin (23682)
• Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
9 Aug 16
Sadly that is happening too much.