My Life Has Changed and I'm Angry
By StacyB
@Srbageldog (7716)
United States
May 9, 2017 1:43am CST
Two months ago I underwent a laparoscopic procedure to remove ovarian cysts. Only I woke up shortly after going under to find out that there were no cysts, and my doctor was unable to complete the surgery because it was too complex. Apparently I have severe endometriosis and my insides are glued together. The only way to treat it is to take my reproductive organs out, which will put me in surgical menopause. I am only 33 years old and I don't have any children. I was told they could try to save my uterus and ovaries if I was planning on having IVF, but I would never be able to afford that and my insurance definitely won't cover it.
I have been trying to make peace with everything while I wait to see the specialist I'm being referred to, but most days I find myself irritable, even downright angry. I feel like a time bomb waiting to go off. I already suffer from major depression and severe anxiety, and these things have gotten worse since learning that my life will soon change so dramatically. Some days I can't even get out of bed.
It's not even so much the infertility that bothers me. It's not knowing what my future holds if I'm thrust into surgical menopause. Surgical menopause can bring along its own set of health problems, and that terrifies me. And if I'm this irritable and short-tempered now, what am I going to be like when I suddenly have no hormones in my body? Will my relationship be able to survive it?
The fact of the matter is, I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I'm angry that this hadn't been caught sooner when less dramatic treatment options would have been available. I've suffered from abdominal pain for over 15 years. I always got told it was just "in my head." Looks like they were wrong, but I'm the one who has to pay for it.
18 people like this
14 responses
@chrissbergstrom (10767)
• Banks, Oregon
9 May 17
I can not even begin to imagine how you feel, but I hope that you will keep yourself open to other options if you can't have children naturally it is not the end of the world, but this surgery is also very dangerous and has health risks to so I am sure it is physically draining emotionally, I hope you can use MyLot as an outlet to write your frustration and know people are listening, and know people care even strangers, we as people need to put ourselves in others shoes and I know how I'd feel if I were you, I also suffer from Pretty severe depression and it's a day by day process sometimes to overcome it.
6 people like this
@jaboUK (64346)
• United Kingdom
9 May 17
@chrissbergstrom Thanks for suggesting this post Chris, it shows how kind you are.
2 people like this
@Srbageldog (7716)
• United States
9 May 17
@chrissbergstrom Thank you. I have considered adopting, especially taking in foster kids and adopting (which was something that I always wanted to do anyway.) I hate the thought of undergoing major surgery, as there are always risks. I have suffered from major depression since I was a little girl, and sometimes it's very hard to cope with. I have to remind myself to take one day at a time, or even one moment at a time.
1 person likes this
@chrissbergstrom (10767)
• Banks, Oregon
9 May 17
@Srbageldog sometimes that is all we can do is take things one day at a time and just have faith we can make it through the storm.... You have my well wishes, and yes adopting and fostering is wonderful so many kids in need of a good home.
@JESSY3236 (22244)
• United States
9 May 17
I had painful periods for many years. i got on birth control when I turned 21 because I fainted the second time. Now I can't wait for menopause. I don't want any kids.
2 people like this
@Srbageldog (7716)
• United States
10 May 17
@JESSY3236 I used to look forward to menopause too and was always joking about how I wanted to get rid of my uterus. The reality of it actually happening is scary. Early menopause increases other health risks, namely osteoporosis and heart disease (although heart disease doesn't run in my family so my cardiologist says I should be OK there)...Most of the women in my mom's family wind up with osteoporosis, so I am a bit worried about that. It would suck to fall and break my hip in my 40s! But, vitamins and supplements can be taken to try to prevent that. I just have to remember to take them.
1 person likes this
@JESSY3236 (22244)
• United States
12 May 17
@Srbageldog I was born with cytomeglovirus which cause me to have mild cerebral palsy. My mother had menopause at the age 45. I had read that cytomeglovirus can cause menopause to come early.
@dpk262006 (58679)
• Delhi, India
9 May 17
We are really sorry to know about your unusual condition and illness. We hope that specialists in field of gynecology may be able to find out some solution to your problem, if possible you could go for second/third opinion. Please be hopeful and do not feel depressed. God is great and He will find out some way to help you.
2 people like this
@dpk262006 (58679)
• Delhi, India
9 May 17
@Srbageldog Please keep your spirits high
. There are many in this world who are lesser than you in physical terms and other means.
. There are many in this world who are lesser than you in physical terms and other means.1 person likes this
@sissy15 (12636)
• United States
9 May 17
I know it's been a struggle for you, and I honestly can't tell you how to feel or know what you're going through. I do know you have fought your depression and have been through a lot and you'll continue to get through it while being angry and hating the world for a bit probably but you'll get there. I know sometimes life sucks and that you deal the only way you know how (with Hugh Jackman marathons of course). You will find yourself with an awesome support system here at Mylot and you'll be able to vent and get out some of that stress. I hope this place helps you as much as it has helped me, it's not bubblews but in some ways, it's better once you get used to it.
2 people like this
@sissy15 (12636)
• United States
9 May 17
@Srbageldog I know you do. Maybe you should try refocusing your attention into something you enjoy doing. We still really need to get into crocheting. You can take that frustration on a crocheted Hugh mask you can slip over your man's head while he sleeps lol. Seriously, though there are things you can do to try and refocus it. Maybe get more productive. You know I'm always here to listen, I know you're going through a lot and sometimes being angry is how we deal. Eventually, you'll learn to deal with the new reality but that doesn't mean you're not allowed some time to process it and be angry for a bit. Things will get better just stick it out.
2 people like this
@Srbageldog (7716)
• United States
9 May 17
@sissy15 I get tired of hating the world all the time! And being angry nonstop is exhausting. Sometimes I'm so angry I feel sick from it, and there's no real reason why I'm that angry! I mean nothing in particular has to set me off. And yes, Hugh Jackman movies help!
1 person likes this
@scheng1 (24649)
• Singapore
9 May 17
Is there anything you like to do or dream of doing?
Now may be a good time for you to fulfil your dream. There is no use worrying about the future when nobody can really advise you of the consequences.
Might as well enjoy your life before any major surgery or whatever treatments happen.
2 people like this
@scheng1 (24649)
• Singapore
9 May 17
@Srbageldog In this case, you might as well write about it.
You can create a fiction about your situation.
Name your heroine, give her the same experience as yours, or give her even worst experience, and then give her a fairytale ending.
While you cannot control your future, you sure can control the future of your created character.
2 people like this
@Srbageldog (7716)
• United States
9 May 17
@scheng1 I have always dreamed of being a successful writer. I have been trying to focus on my writing so I can pursue that goal. You're right about there being no use worrying about the future, but it's easier said than done. I have been trying my best to keep my mind off of everything and do things that make me happy, but some days it's hard.
2 people like this
@amitkokiladitya (171988)
• Agra, India
9 May 17
This is really sad. But try yo accept the truth ans move forward. I know it is not at all easy but still you don't have any option
2 people like this
@Srbageldog (7716)
• United States
9 May 17
@amitkokiladitya Thank you. I am still trying to come to terms with it. Eventually I'll stop feeling angry and sad -- it just might take a little while to move forward.
2 people like this
@amitkokiladitya (171988)
• Agra, India
9 May 17
@Srbageldog take your time dear...but what is important is that you move on with high spirits
2 people like this
@GardenGerty (169489)
• United States
10 May 17
At 42 I had fibroids. The ob/gyn surgeon said he would remove the uterus and the ovaries as well on general principles, cause that would prevent ovarian cancer. It does not fully according to what I read. I went into surgery with the understanding that if my ovaries were healthy they would stay.
I had endometriosis, but I had never had cramps, or pain, or fertility issues. It took the surgeon an extra hour and a half to clean up the mess. Yes, my ovaries went, too.
I used an estrogen patch, was allergic to the latex. I took Premarin for a while. Had headaches. My family doctor had me switch to a different estrogen, and take it at a different time of day. That helped. After a year or so, I switched to herbal supplements that work for me.
Hot flashes, and night sweats? I had those in my thirties, when I was beginning peri menopause.
Am I irritable and short tempered, sometimes, but I always was.
Swimming and other gentle exercise is good, and helps a lot. It is hard to "not worry". Healthy foods help. People need to listen sympathetically to your fears, but I believe that talking about them will help you get past them as well.
2 people like this
@Srbageldog (7716)
• United States
10 May 17
@GardenGerty Thank you so much for commenting. For the most part I have not had many symptoms of endo -- just very painful and heavy periods, and bouts of lower abdominal pain. It never even crossed my mind before that I might have endometriosis.
I also have hot flashes and night sweats occasionally. I actually joined a menopause support group on Facebook a year ago because I wondered if I was experiencing early peri menopause (a cousin of mine claims she went through it at the age of 34, so I guess it's possible.)
Thank you for the advice. I really appreciate it.
@allknowing (153529)
• India
10 May 17
It is better to go through it once and for all and just get ready for it. You will be truly happy that you faced it well.
2 people like this
@jaboUK (64346)
• United Kingdom
9 May 17
What an awful thing for you to have to go through at such a young age. I feel for you, but can offer no advice as I've no experience of anything like this. Just know that there are lots of friendly ears on this site, and feel free to pour your frustrations into them. I know that just the act of writing things down can help sometimes. Good luck.
2 people like this
@Srbageldog (7716)
• United States
10 May 17
@jaboUK Thank you. Writing usually does help!
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (238330)
• Walnut Creek, California
10 May 17
All in your head. That sucks. Have you spoken with a lawyer? As for having children, we're all from the same place, and we're all going to the same place. Would you be willing to adopt if the specialists can't find a way to keep the internal plumbing intact?
2 people like this
@Srbageldog (7716)
• United States
10 May 17
@JudyEv Thank you. I've received valuable insight and advice from some of the comments.
2 people like this
@FayeHazel (40230)
• United States
9 May 17
I'm so sorry that the medical community has failed you. :-( At least you are mindful of moods - that is helpful. I wish you only the best
2 people like this
@Srbageldog (7716)
• United States
10 May 17
@FayeHazel Thank you. I am glad they finally caught this and that it hasn't gotten worse. But I do feel like the medical community failed me all these years. No one ever suggested I see a gynecologist for my abdominal pain.
