One way to identify a potentially violent partner
By Judy Evans
@JudyEv (326098)
Rockingham, Australia
January 31, 2019 4:09pm CST
I read a very interesting article today on domestic violence. This is a major social problem. Thankfully it is now more talked about than it once was and greater steps are being taken to help victims of such abuse.
Counsellor Rob Andrew has dealt with a great many men and women, both abusers and abused. He is often asked how a person can avoid falling for the same type of people over and over. How can they recognise that a person may turn into someone who will abuse them?
His countless conversations with people needing help have led him to believe that there is a way for people to recognise a potential abuser. He calls it the ‘No Test’.
Basically the person needs to watch for the reaction when he/she has to say ‘no’ to a request from his/her potential friend/partner. So maybe a date has to be cancelled for some reason. While disappointment is to be expected, the danger emotion is anger.
Anger or annoyance signifies a sense of ownership or power developing over the other person. Depending on the situation a certain amount of anger might be expected but I can see that such a reaction could well raise red flags. This sounded so logical to me that I’m surprised I haven’t come across something similar before. Does this sound logical to you?
The photo is of a grass-tree which looks potentially prickly but other than that it has nothing to do with the discussion.
31 people like this
30 responses
@JudyEv (326098)
• Rockingham, Australia
2 Feb 19
@xFiacre @nanette64 Yes, that is true but it is something to bear in mind. Enough episodes of unreasonable reactions might at least make a person take a bit longer to commit to a relationship.
1 person likes this
@moffittjc (118528)
• Gainesville, Florida
1 Feb 19
Sounds very logical to me, and definitely could raise a red flag. But I wouldn't make a decision on just one episode, as the person could have just been having a bad day or something. But if you do the No test several times and get the same reaction, then it's time to say bye bye.
7 people like this
@moffittjc (118528)
• Gainesville, Florida
4 Feb 19
@JudyEv I'm with you on that, but how many times does a partner stay with an abuser because they think they can change them? The odds are that they are not going to change, it's not worth the emotional, physical and psychological damage that will occur. Better to just move on.
1 person likes this
@JudyEv (326098)
• Rockingham, Australia
4 Feb 19
@moffittjc Certainly some stay thinking the abuser will change. By the time they realise it's not going to happen, it can be very difficult for them to leave.
1 person likes this
@rsa101 (37968)
• Philippines
1 Feb 19
Looks like logical, but most of the signs and symptoms of a potentially violent partner usually shows up when the partners have already committed or they are emotionally attached to each other. Sometimes there are person that are good in hiding those emotions when they are pursuing their targets. Only a few does show early signs before the two are emotionally engaged already.
6 people like this
@snowy22315 (170313)
• United States
31 Jan 19
Yes, I think this is a good warning sign,,,and of course abuse isn't always physical.
6 people like this
@nanette64 (20364)
• Fairfield, Texas
1 Feb 19
Exactly @snowy22315 . Especially when they threaten to kill your family (mom, dad, sister, brothers) if you leave them.
3 people like this
@ThreeTeddies (2038)
• United Kingdom
31 Jan 19
@snowy22315 Quite right - emotional abuse or financial abuse are every bit as bad as physical abuse
2 people like this
@allknowing (130073)
• India
31 Jan 19
Anger need not necessarily lead to abuse Getting angry with each other is normal and it passes off with some arguments
6 people like this
@JudyEv (326098)
• Rockingham, Australia
2 Feb 19
That's is true but unreasonable anger on the part of one might be something other than normal.
@Happy2BeMe (99390)
• Canada
31 Jan 19
It makes perfect sense but when you are involved in such a relationship there are so many other things. It is one thing to talk about it and to most who haven't been in one it is why do they stay. Why don't they leave but when you are living that life leaving can be scarier then staying. I think we all know the signs but sometime people refuse to see them or think they can change them or help them or things will be different this time. As you can tell this is a soft spot for me I lived it for many years.
5 people like this
@nanette64 (20364)
• Fairfield, Texas
1 Feb 19
Yeah, I thought I could "change" my husband too @Happy2BeMe . Unfortunately it took a bullet to do it.
2 people like this
@nanette64 (20364)
• Fairfield, Texas
1 Feb 19
@Happy2BeMe It took him: severing all the nerves in my face and head, fracturing the cochlea of my right ear, tearing both of my rotator cuffs at the same time, 3 fractured ribs, strangling me, throwing me from a car at 35mph (cut eyebrow, both elbows split open, concrete buried in my ankles), too many black eyes (once fracturing the orbit of my left eye), broken nose (multiples; once in 3 places), smashing a rifle into my chest, smashing my head onto the counter-top, ripping handfuls of hair from my head, raping me, etc. 17 years worth.
2 people like this
@Happy2BeMe (99390)
• Canada
1 Feb 19
@nanette64 and even though some people wouldn't get that I do. I am glad that at you survived it. It was must have been scary. I am thankful that it never got to that point for me before I finally found the courage to leave.
2 people like this
@1hopefulman (45123)
• Canada
1 Feb 19
It seems to make sense. I was once told that anger is just one letter away from danger. Where there is anger there is danger!
5 people like this
@1hopefulman (45123)
• Canada
2 Feb 19
@JudyEv One has to wonder about what happened to the love and the cherish?
1 person likes this
@JudyEv (326098)
• Rockingham, Australia
2 Feb 19
@1hopefulman Maybe they had their fingers crossed behind their back.
1 person likes this
@JudyEv (326098)
• Rockingham, Australia
2 Feb 19
That's true. I know it won't help in many cases but just sometimes it might.
@JamesHxstatic (29256)
• Eugene, Oregon
1 Feb 19
Seems like a logical signal to me.
5 people like this
@JamesHxstatic (29256)
• Eugene, Oregon
3 Feb 19
@JudyEv Certainly should be a consideration.
1 person likes this
@nanette64 (20364)
• Fairfield, Texas
1 Feb 19
By the time you realize it, you are controlled, manipulated and separated from family and friends; and the biggest factor is fear @DianneN . But you know where I'm coming from on this.
2 people like this
@responsiveme (22926)
• India
1 Feb 19
That tree 8s to be avoided...Same way it makes sense to understand the mind space of the other in a relationship
4 people like this
@arunima25 (85498)
• Bangalore, India
1 Feb 19
Very informative article. This No Test sounds logical.
The picture of grass tree is beautiful.
4 people like this
@arunima25 (85498)
• Bangalore, India
2 Feb 19
@JudyEv Yes, people are getting aware of it and seeking help. They are breaking the taboo associated with it.
1 person likes this
@simplfred (20641)
• Philippines
31 Jan 19
Thanks for the information. The seems octopus or snaky grass capture my attention, I haven't focus well reading. Ha ha.
5 people like this
@simplfred (20641)
• Philippines
2 Feb 19
@JudyEv Yeah. They looks very huge or maybe just huge because it was taken close-up. My first time to see one.
1 person likes this
@JudyEv (326098)
• Rockingham, Australia
2 Feb 19
@simplfred We have a number of species of these grass trees.
1 person likes this
@JudyEv (326098)
• Rockingham, Australia
2 Feb 19
Sometimes what is plain to an outsider just isn't so to the one it concerns.
@wolfgirl569 (95562)
• Marion, Ohio
31 Jan 19
It would be a good sign. I had never thought about that either.
4 people like this
@JudyEv (326098)
• Rockingham, Australia
2 Feb 19
In many cases the abuser hides his/her character until it is too late for the other person to walk away but it does make sense.
@Fleura (29200)
• United Kingdom
1 Feb 19
@nanette64 That's the thing - maybe they are not so easy to spot after all.
2 people like this
@nanette64 (20364)
• Fairfield, Texas
1 Feb 19
You'd be surprised at how sneaky and manipulative they can be @Fleura .
3 people like this
@acelawrites (19273)
• Philippines
31 Jan 19
I thought that prickly plant can ward off a violent partner!(joke).
4 people like this
@ThreeTeddies (2038)
• United Kingdom
31 Jan 19
If it's that easy to spot a potential domestic abuser why do so many people (mainly women) go with or stay with such a partner?
4 people like this
@JudyEv (326098)
• Rockingham, Australia
2 Feb 19
I think mostly they are cowed, made to feel unworthy, are kept from anyone who might help. The partner may threaten harm to family, friends, pets. I guess there are lots of reasons. Did you read Nanette's experiences? It is a horror story. 
