When is humor inappropriate?

@TheHorse (203765)
Walnut Creek, California
July 12, 2019 10:13am CST
A couple of posts ago, I mentioned a discussion I had with Stevie Coyle, formerly of the Waybacks (an acoustic band that toured nationally) at his elite guitar store in Lafayette CA. What we discussed is the use of humor in musical performances. When I saw Stevie and the Waybacks back in the 2000s, one of the things that struck me about their performance was the "witty dialogue" that went on between songs. It made the performance more fun and made the audience feel like they were a part of something "cool." I told him about the issues I've had recently with band leaders who don't want other band mates to speak, and who weave absolutely no humor into their performances. Stevie said that humor is an essential part of his performing style, and he described a situation where a fellow band mate (not in the Waybacks) didn't like humor at all. That situation did not work out. The term he used was "foil," a term I've used before. Humor serves as a foil to the music, breaking up what could otherwise become monotonous, even if you're really good (as they were). I just Googled "foil Shakespeare," just to make sure I spelled it right. Here's the summary: "In fiction, a foil is a character who contrasts with another character, usually the protagonist, to highlight qualities of the other character. In some cases, a subplot can be used as a foil to the main plot." My favorite posts on MyLot are those that lead to discussions (in the comments) that are funny. I've most enjoyed playing in bands where the mates knew each other from "jam sessions" and had funny stories to tell about each other. I've even heard funny stories about the deceased at funerals, told with affection. Those stories serve as a foil to the overall sadness of the situation. But I know there are times when humor is inappropriate. For me, the main time NOT to use humor is when someone is telling a serious story, and needs to be heard. That's when the psychologist in me kicks in, and I go into "active listening" mode. I have a friend who will use a funny "platitude" when his wife is trying to kvetch about a rough day at school (she's an elementary school teacher). It's a conversation killer. It drives her nuts when he does that, but it's hard for him to stop being funny and actually listen. Can you think of times when humor is inappropriate? I use it in my (college) classes, with my little kids, and on the softball field, etc. But not all the time. Here's an old Waybacks video. Stevie is the guy on the right.
The Waybacks performing "Compadres and the Old Sierra Madres" for WGWG's Words and Music special Backstage Pass concert show at Gardner-Webb University; Marc...
18 people like this
12 responses
@LadyDuck (454981)
• Switzerland
12 Jul 19
At a serious concert humor is surely inappropriate, at a formal dinner, at a serious meeting... humor is not always good. We had a good friend, he was a lawyer, incredibly intelligent, smart, funny, he liked to joke, sometimes to release the tensions of some situations. His wife was beautiful, but stupid, she tried to joke and she was not funny. I remember one day we were dining all together, she said something "serious", but it was so silly that it sounded like a joke. He looked at her and said "you see, the difference between you and me is that I know when I make people laugh". I wanted to disappear.
3 people like this
@BarBaraPrz (45226)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
12 Jul 19
Oooo, that wasn't very nice of him.
3 people like this
• Midland, Michigan
12 Jul 19
@TheHorse I'm sure that's not the main reason or the only one.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (203765)
• Walnut Creek, California
12 Jul 19
Understood. I also had an ex- who thought she was funny but was not. There's a reason she's an ex-.
5 people like this
@just4him (303392)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
12 Jul 19
I like humor in situations to break up the serious monotony, but not when it's not warranted. You get to know when it is and isn't okay. Good sound.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (203765)
• Walnut Creek, California
12 Jul 19
Yeah, they're real pros. Some people figure out when humor is appropriate and when it's not. Others struggle in that area.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (203765)
• Walnut Creek, California
12 Jul 19
@just4him That is very true.
2 people like this
@just4him (303392)
• Green Bay, Wisconsin
12 Jul 19
@TheHorse When people struggle with it, it usually bombs.
2 people like this
@1creekgirl (40184)
• United States
12 Jul 19
There are many times when humor is effective, but you're right about not using humor when someone says something serious. It makes them feel like we're not really listening or we're making fun of them.
1 person likes this
@1creekgirl (40184)
• United States
12 Jul 19
@TheHorse We all like to be taken seriously unless we really are joking.
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (203765)
• Walnut Creek, California
12 Jul 19
Yes, my friend's wife called it a "conversation ender." She said she felt like her husband (my friend) wasn't really listening and didn't care what she had to say.
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (203765)
• Walnut Creek, California
12 Jul 19
@1creekgirl Being heard is important. But good listening is almost a "lost art."
1 person likes this
• Midland, Michigan
12 Jul 19
I don't know that I can come up with anything related to humor but I will say that when people need to rant it can be hard to know when they want help and when they just need to get things off their chest. Maybe the teachers husband is thinking he's helping her by lightening up her rant but that's not what she needs right then. The difficulty is when certain people tend to mostly rant or complain it's hard to not lighten things up. I don't bring humor into play but try to get them to see things in a different light.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (203765)
• Walnut Creek, California
12 Jul 19
I listen first, to help them feel "heard." But if they are always kvetching, then I might change my tune and start suggesting different ways of "framing" things.
1 person likes this
@JudyEv (323706)
• Rockingham, Australia
13 Jul 19
I would be very careful about joking with a policeman depending on the situation of course.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (203765)
• Walnut Creek, California
13 Jul 19
I tend to be"straight" but a tad funny with them. They can tell I'm not a "bad guy" once they start talking to me.
2 people like this
@andriaperry (116876)
• Anniston, Alabama
12 Jul 19
There are many places where humor should not be used, but for entertaining during a concert it does help.
2 people like this
@TheHorse (203765)
• Walnut Creek, California
12 Jul 19
I think so too. Most of my favorite individauals in concert (Richard Thompson, Lyle Lovett, John Prine, James McMurtry) use humor as a "foil" for their music.
@KrauseHome (36449)
• United States
13 Jul 19
Personally when it comes to music ... isn't it better to add a little humor and share than to be so straight forward to where people are almost Bored? I prefer humor and know many Good bands or groups that still do.
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (203765)
• Walnut Creek, California
14 Jul 19
I agree with you entirely. If it's classical or jazz, where "only the Music matter," perhaps humor is not necessary. But in a small venue Americana, rock, folk or Western swing performance, it is helpful.
@BarBaraPrz (45226)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
12 Jul 19
I like it when the performer(s) interact with the audience, especially in a humorous way. If they're not having fun, how do they expect us to enjoy the performance?
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (203765)
• Walnut Creek, California
12 Jul 19
My thoughts exactly!
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Jul 19
i'd say if you knowingly irritate people,it's inappropriate.that guy's probably gonna lose his wife eventually if he keeps doing that.
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (203765)
• Walnut Creek, California
14 Jul 19
Well, he's already "lost" her in some sense. She's not very supportive of him and his music, and she runs and hides with the kitties a lot.
1 person likes this
@xander6464 (40716)
• Wapello, Iowa
16 Jul 19
I don't think humor is ever inappropriate but there are times when it's ill-advised. Some commenters have given some examples and I'll add one. During...Um, we'll just say, during certain intimate encounters, it's very funny to say, "Your sister (Or best friend if she doesn't have a sister) is much better." But you probably shouldn't say it, anyway.
1 person likes this
@xander6464 (40716)
• Wapello, Iowa
16 Jul 19
@TheHorse That's rough but it provides an important lesson for all the youngsters out there: Never say anything like that until your partner is firmly restrained. And if you're the one who is in the restraints, don't say anything at all.
@Hannihar (129111)
• Israel
17 Jul 19
@TheHorse To me when humor is not good is when someone is telling an inappropriate joke that is proper in mixed company.
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (203765)
• Walnut Creek, California
17 Jul 19
Mixed being male and female?
1 person likes this
@Hannihar (129111)
• Israel
18 Jul 19
@TheHorse You could say that.
@CarolDM (203478)
• Nashville, Tennessee
12 Jul 19
If you are around a crowd that you do not know well, it is usually best to keep it light. You never know how others will take your humor.. or not take it. But you are smart, you know when and what to say or not say.
1 person likes this
@TheHorse (203765)
• Walnut Creek, California
12 Jul 19
I agree. You have to "read" your audience.
1 person likes this