fighting

United States
November 30, 2006 5:15pm CST
Hello, I am having some trouble here. ALl my kids do is fight and yell and even hit each other. I don't understand it. they are all girls. they say girls are easier to handle then boys.When i grew up my sisters and i always got along. But mine are just like boys. they fight and yell every day. I tried many things. But nothing is working yet.the older two are 14 and 13. by this age i think it should get better. but they really can't get along. And my 9 year old is picking up all that negative ness from them. and she is doing the same thing. I am at the end of my rope . what do you think I can try. I tried to talk to them, I would take away the things they like, the computer. going to friends house and going out with them. I even told them to stay in their rooms. Please help. thanks in advance.
15 people like this
101 responses
@mansha (6301)
• India
30 Nov 06
these are most common behacvior problems of the teenage kids. losing one’s temper arguing with adults actively defying requests refusing to follow rules deliberately annoying other people blaming others for one's own mistakes or misbehavior being touchy, easily annoyed or angered, resentful, spiteful, or vindictive. remedies: 1.try to listen: Listening to a teen does not mean giving advice and attempting to correct the situation. 2.talk to children about what is right and wrong and about appropriate and inappropriate behavior. what is accepted and what is not very firmly,without any threatenings included. 3.Don't make a fuss about issues that are correctable or don't directly threaten your child's or another person's safety. These issues include unwashed hair, a messy room, torn jeans, etc. Save your thunder for more important concerns. Safety is a non-negotiable issue. Safety rules need to be stated clearly and enforced consistently. 4.Be consitent and hold your ground when you punish them.Define the punishment clearly and see that it is carried out properly.keep one punishment each for each of different behaviors and stick to it for all three.Being your teen's friend should not be your primary role during this time of their lives. It's important to resist the urge to win their favour or try too hard to please them. 5.Don't feel obliged to judge everything your teen says. Retain the mutual right to disagree. Never try to reason with someone who is upset -- it is futile. Wait until tempers have cooled off before trying to sort out a disagreement. Don't try to talk teens out of their feelings. You can acknowledge someone's reaction without condoning it. This type of response often defuses anger and reduces hostility. I hope I have cleared some doubts and helped you in some way.I have worked with children with behavioral disorders and most of the time I have found parents are so overwhelmed that they fail to stick to a routine in punishment and rewarding behaviors-that gives a leeway to child and they know they can get away with anything.The call of the hour is to show who is the grown up in the family by holding your ground and at the same time giving your teenagers some freedom too.
3 people like this
• United States
1 Dec 06
Oh wow,That was great. You sure know teenage kids these days. you said it all.See I think that is where it all falls. I don't stick with the punishment. It might be for that day. Or even a couple of hours. But I some times give up. and not stick with the plan. And they are so good at getting their way. "Oh mom, I promise I will be good. just let me go to the party."Then I give in. they done it so many times.I will try a little more harder on sticking with the punishment. thank you so so much. your great. I will get back to you and let you know how things are going.
2 people like this
@mansha (6301)
• India
1 Dec 06
Thanks I am glad you liked that.during course of my work I have seen so many parents doing the same thing.we love our kids so much that we keep giving in and this behavior starts as soon as the kid is 6 month old and it keeps strengthening as the baby grows.My own son when he was 1 and a half year old went to a birthday party and came back and for the first time rolled over the floor and started crying.As he had never done that before thinking about the reaction I should give-I burst in to peals of laughter instinctively.He felt so ambarrassed and got up and gave a sheepish smile.I hugged him then and this behavior was never repeated again.
2 people like this
• India
1 Dec 06
this thing happens when a child, specially boy enters in teenage. This problem is not avoidable. however you must make efforts like sitting and having long talks with them make them realize that what could happen when they grow up you see you have to put some major efforts for solving this problem
2 people like this
• United States
1 Dec 06
thanks for your reply
1 person likes this
@wmg2006 (5383)
• United States
1 Dec 06
I think you were misled about girls being easier. I always wanted a girl but had a boy, I am very glad I did too! Girls are much more prone to fight over petty issues, boys will fight but are easier to stop. Girls grow into women and think about it,women really are pettier. Now put girls with their pettiness and the fact they have teenage hormones raging and you have fighting! They will grow out of it to a point but for now tough LOVE is the only thing you can give them. Only interefere if they are drawing blood, as long as they have an audience from you they will drag the argument out. Let them go at it until they work it out, you will not always be there for them and they have to learn their boundaries at some point. Arguing, yelling, hollering is actually good for them as long as it is not violent, they do not know as much as you and they need to learn how to argue with others. As they grow older they will know their boundaries. Patience and Good Luck!
• United States
1 Dec 06
thanks for your advice
1 person likes this
@GardenGerty (124403)
• United States
1 Dec 06
They get your attention when they fight,right? Do they ever do any thing right (even a little bitty thing?) Pay attention to the right things, comment on them. Reward the behaviors that you want to reinforce. It would be better, if you are not going to be consistent in consequences that you not even have them. By inconsistent punishment you are actually reinforcing the negative behavior more strongly, because random reinforcement causes them to try again to see if this is one of the times they will get away with whatever they do. If they are not hurting each other, make them settle the disagreement themselves. Make the rule that physical hurting is out of bounds, and show them that you mean that, not by physically hurting them (because that says might makes right) Just come up with whatever they hate as a punishment. I would suggest that you find a family activity that is altruistic, and do it together. Work in a soup kitchen. Rake leaves for the elderly.Walk animals for the humane society. Let them give to society, it will take their focus off of themselves. It will be a positive in their life. They can be proud of themselves. Mom, it is hard work to be consistent, it is easier to set a punishment or consequence, then choose not to enforce it, but in the long run it is easier than living with three spoiled brats. I do not man to be rude, but the sooner you take charge the easier it will be.
• United States
1 Dec 06
Thank you, I will try some of your advice. I am willing to try any thing. But you know when they are out of the house they seem fine. at least in front of others. thaks again
1 person likes this
@kaspyv (1011)
• United States
1 Dec 06
hun, girls are lots harder than boys to raise! my 2 girls fought all the time while growing up and are adults now ...guess what...they still fight! i think sometimes it will never stop
2 people like this
• United States
1 Dec 06
thanks for your reply
1 person likes this
@Desdemona (1305)
• Canada
30 Nov 06
Boarding school :) my parents use to threaten us with that! and boy did we listen. Anyways, find the route of the problem. Why are they fighting? maybe they actually need some time a part. Maybe you are giving more attention to one than the other. Also, try doing fun activities. Like movie night, dinner out, board games, a day at the spa etc... These things can help promote positive attitudes.
2 people like this
• United States
1 Dec 06
thanks for your advice.their is no route. they fight about any old thing. It could be because she was in her way while she was watching tv. or she sat in her place in the car or at home or even the dinner table. If she used her pen or she ate most of the popcorn, or she went in her room, or she toke to long in the bathroom, she did not flush the toilet,she left her bookbag on the floor believe me i could go on and on for days it just does not end. They don't respect each other.How do you see them liking each other.God help me!!!thanks again
1 person likes this
@maddog108 (3440)
• Australia
1 Dec 06
no no no you were told the wrong infomation boys are ruff girls go for the kill.they might look cuit and cuddley but never drop your gaurd. the female starts off in life pushing there brothers around then they work on poor old dad belive me i know this ive copped it for years.slowly getting better at there skills they move on to the boy friend tottaly controlling the poor guy he dosnt stand a chance.when a female perfects there attacking skills there called wives so you see there not fighting there just perfecting there skills training for when they get married let them go i say its better they train on each other than you gees its hard beeing a bloke sob sob sniff sniff lol
1 person likes this
@LovingIt (5398)
• United States
1 Dec 06
LOL. What a theory maddog!!! You know our secret now. haha!
@maddog108 (3440)
• Australia
1 Dec 06
yes i do know but please dont kill me lol
@maddog108 (3440)
• Australia
1 Dec 06
maddogs batterd husband group starts tonight at 8 be there if you wife lets you that is lol
@not4me (1711)
• United States
1 Dec 06
Sounds like you need family therapy. Are they all treated the same? Is there any warranted jealousy going on? :)
• United States
1 Dec 06
Well I think jealousy is a big part of it. I put it on another topic (jealousy) Please read that one and tell me what you think
• United States
1 Dec 06
Oh, and yes they are all treated the same love them all the same. But like I said in the (jealousy) topic. The older is liked by other people more the the younger one. thanks again
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Dec 06
See that is what I think it is all about. Jealousy!!! I think we all have it in us, but not like she does.My older one just can't seem, or even want to understand her sister she is looking up to her. my younger one would say I am tired of being know as her sis. I have a name. She even said she is tired of being a tag along.where can I go from here. I feel so sad for her. I did try to have them talk but that did not work.They both said there is nothing wrong.so now what??
1 person likes this
@akanuj (331)
• India
1 Dec 06
i don't care boys or girl. they always fight.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Dec 06
Thanks for your reply
• Canada
1 Dec 06
well im 18 and when i was growing up i never got along with any of my siblings but i think it is just something that children go through when they grow up..
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Dec 06
thanks for your reply
@Aali311 (6118)
• United States
1 Dec 06
That's just a phase they are going though I'm pretty sure, maybe you should try grounding them for a longer period of time or maybe you could try to see a counselour with them.
1 person likes this
• United States
1 Dec 06
I did think about that,But they don't want to do that.
@beauser (119)
• China
1 Dec 06
You can hire experts.But for the children's education, not the use of violence.You can also sent them to schools, children are generally listen to the teacher's words.
• United States
1 Dec 06
thanks for you advice
@jediwa72 (204)
• United States
1 Dec 06
I have two older twin sisters and we had our days! My advice, is that most likely the route of their fighting is because they are all wanting to do the same thing...be on the computer, talk on the phone, take a shower, etc. Maybe if you assigned times for each one of them to do each activity. Taking it away totally may actually cause them to be more irritable. Example, from 7-8 one can be on the computer, one on the phone and one watching tv. Hope this helps!
• United States
1 Dec 06
thanks for your advice
@Meljep (1668)
• United States
1 Dec 06
Kids mirror what they see. If they see other people relating to each other this way they may pick up on the behavior. If you don't want them to yell then you will have to appeal to them at a time when things are calm, not in the middle of a yelling match. Everyone needs to know that there is a bubble that is around every person, that is their personal space and no one should invade that without permission, this includes hitting, even it they are boys. You are right to reinforce the correct behavior there will have to be consequences for the bad behavior. You are the adult and you are in charge, always keep that in mind.
• United States
1 Dec 06
thanks for the advice
• India
1 Dec 06
It's comen cases.you dont care it.
• United States
1 Dec 06
thanks for your reply
@akanuj (331)
• India
1 Dec 06
i don't care boys or girl. they always fight.
• United States
1 Dec 06
thanks for your reply
@malsun (1528)
• United States
1 Dec 06
I grew up in a joint family - myself, my siblings, and my cousins all together, and i can remember our moms shouting at all of us to stop fighting.. but now we are best of friends and again tearing our heads seeing our children fight. i guess its just normal. keep heart.. it will get better...
• United States
1 Dec 06
thanks for your reply
@LovingIt (5398)
• United States
1 Dec 06
I think that's just part of growing up, especially when the kids are close together in age. My two kids were 14 months apart in age. My grandkids are a little less than 3 years apart in age. My kids faught and my grandkids fight. LOL. In both cases, if someone else tried to cross one of them they had the other one to take on as well, but to see them together at home you'd think they hated each other. LOL. I know it gets nerve wracking on your part, but the only thing I know to tell you is just to tell them if they are going to fight to take it elsewhere as you don't want to listen to it. If it helps any by the time they get to be 30 and 31 they only fight every year or so. :-)
• United States
1 Dec 06
thanks for your reply
• United States
1 Dec 06
thats just how kids are, they like to fight these days... I think they let out anger on sibblings, it is better than letting it out at school. But they should still be punished, so just ground them or something. Keep them seperated from eachother for awhile.
• United States
1 Dec 06
Thanks for your reply
@lsen06 (4998)
• India
1 Dec 06
Don't worry. they will gradually learn the ways of life.Just wait and let them enjoy the teen age.
• United States
1 Dec 06
thanks