Bullying Does Not Have To Be Repeated or Persistant.

Tweet

When I raised concerns about someone who bullies me to friends recently, I was told that while in bad taste and confrontational, my antagonizer is not strictly a bully as his aggression and toxic masculinity challenges to me are not a persistent or repeated practice, which are often inherent to text-book defined bullying. There is so much wrong with this, not least that the chap asserting this has read from me that though my main concern was with one particularly nasty unprovoked act by my bully, it is the latest of a whole bunch of belittling put downs, pedantic put downs, wilfully interrupted conversations, swatting the air to dismiss me like he is swatting flies, and loudly shouting my name while pointing at me, and getting very surly if I ever dare correct him and prove him wrong on some point. He also behaves badly to others as mutual friends know and admit goes on. Even if an act of bullying was a singular one off event it would still be bullying. You only have to steal one thing to be a thief, kill one person to be a murderer, etc. Spreading the bullying over multiple victims rather than continually targeting one individual is also still bullying. Also, even a singular physical, verbal or virtual abuse can be devastating for the targeted victim. Once and once only can still be more than enough to bear. Even if there are no follow up incidents, the victim can be left fearful or concerned that there could be a repeat or fresh attack at any time, making the bully’s proximity itself a form of bullying, even if the bully has no immediate notions to cause any more trouble. As I wrote above, once can be enough. The definition that the bully was a one off and therefore not really bullying leaves the victim exposed to future intimidation, and the bully free to commit it. The time to intercept a bully is as soon as an incident is witnessed or reported even if it is the only known surfacing of the problem. There may well be unreported incidents too). The ‘only did it the once’ response is a non response and an excuse for non activity, enabling schools, workplaces, communities, and even households to keep telling ot / and deluding themselves that they are a bullying free zone when they are far from it. The fear of ‘next time’ is a bully’s most powerful weapon. S/he gets under the victims skin even without needing to do anything. A website that takes on the apologetics claim that bullying has to be repeated or persistent activity. Bystanders Many who witness or learn of bullying being or having been inflicted on a friend or family member do nothing to help the victim or help prevent the bully from doing it, or worse in future to the same victim or a fresh one. Some don’t want to get involved or possibly fear the bully might make trouble for them instead of another target. Some will redefine the bullying perceived or learned of as a joke, rough-housing, a minor squabble, a one-off incident, something in which no real physical harm was done, recall someone else being subjected to such abuse but choosing not to report it, protest or ask for friends to help out, or they genuinely just couldn’t care less. In a few cases they may envy the bully and even prove willing to commit similar abuses of their own. The victim may see people watching the bullying going on a/. Saying and doing nothing to intervene, criticise or restrain the bully. The witnesses might smile, laugh or agree with the bully’s jibes or try to give a sense of not noticing. Some might deny having seen or heard anything untoward even if they were plainly in full view of the events. They may have become so familiar with the bullying that it has become normalised in their behaviour and they will be desensitised to it, feeling that the victim of the bullying is over-reaction, over sensitive or weak. If the victim is already in a state of anxiety or depression, that in itself will be seen as the cause of the unhappiness they display rather than the bullying itself which often exploits the bystanders being present. Not wanting to make a fuss, and trying to shrug the situation off with ‘it’s nothing to do with me’ they let the situation deteriorate, often until someone really gets hurt or worse. Asked to intervene, intercept, or break up the confrontation, criticise, restrain, bear witness to events, or in some way assist the victim, the bystanders will step back, denying being witnesses, insisting on neutrality or even start actively defending the bully, treating the victim as the hostile party, especially if the victim attempts to deal with the bully by gathering material evidence, actively requesting observers stop sitting on the fence (which can be paramount to becoming a bully’s silent accomplices), or resorts to desperate counter attacks, attempts to stealthfully record or log bullying incidents, etc, or attempts naming and shaming the bully (or bullies). A problem with a group of crowd of bystanders is that though some might feel a little desire to intervene they don’t feel confident making the first move, and so no one steps in, and peer group pressure further alienates the victim while the bystanders stand further back and the bully increases his confidence and ups his game. The victim of bullying may be targeted for many reasons. Often it will originate with opportunism, and a perceived weakness. The bully may pick up on a lisp, a shyness, a lack of self esteem,age, the victim being perceived as too fat, thin, bald, etc. Racism, sexism and homophobia may be involved too. Some verbal bullying might be redefined as bad taste jokes or over-playful trading, even when it is escalated and increasingly cruel. The bully does not back off if the victim is in grief, or overcoming a relationship breakdown or an illness. Bullies like to kick someone who is already down. Bystanders will then say, oh, your just upset over the death, partner leaving you etc. The bully is not just sadistically and intentionally hurting the direct victim, but also laughing at the bystanders as the bully is exploiting their lack of desire to do anything to stop him. His real power is over them rather than over his victim(s). Bullying is bullying even if it only ever happens once in any form. Bystanders and those learning of bullying but excusing it, denying it is their place to intervene and even criticising the victim disproportionately to the bully are just as bad as the bully. There is no neutrality fence in bullying. If you don’t help deal with them, you are helping them as surely as you would by holding their coats and even taking a few verbal digs or physical kicks to the victim with them. Bullying once and once only is still bullying. The repeat pattern theory is a dangerous nonsense designed to dilute away the need to address the bullying programme by pretending it isn’t as prevalent and intensifying as it actually is. Arthur Chappell