New Year’s Resolution - I have failed.

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I gave it my best shot, it was supposed to be simple. 1.) Quit thinking/overthinking, and then 2.) start trying new things. First of all, even when I try to stop the thinking and overthinking and immediately shut it down when I catch myself doing it, my mind just jumps to a new subject and starts all over again. And it’s fast thinking, I don’t know how to slow it down. The second part, trying new things, is also backfiring. Instead of watching Tarot readings that I love so much because I know all the meanings of the Cards - there’s just something very calming about watching the Cards hit the table and knowing what the entire spread means.. I’ve cut that out and started watching new stuff. Like videos on nutrition and the brain, the brain/gut connection and how certain foods affect different neurotransmitters.. I’ve hung out with the carnivore gang #BBBE Tribe, and I can see their point. By sticking to carnivore only, you eliminate all processed foods, and that’s a good thing. Of course I can’t live on only meat, I can barely do Keto at this point because I get too shaky, but it didn’t stop me from getting fixated on the whole concept and I not only learned everything about it, it’s like I become an “expert” on the subject. I learn it to the point of nothing left to learn. And I quickly grow bored with it because I’ve already “mastered” it so then I jump to a whole new set of videos and topics. And when you go downstairs and start rambling on in detail about this new thing you know inside and out, NOBODY cares. Not at the level you do. So you move on to something else. Another new thing I’ve tried: I promised myself I would not let my mom’s loud TV distract me when we’re carrying on a conversation. Impossible. The background TV chatter has my brain, no matter what she’s saying. I cannot keep the focus on her or what she’s saying, or on what the TV is saying either, because both are there at the same time and I can’t do it. Everyone else can do it, but I can’t. Which reminds me of the other one, when my mom and uncle both accidentally ask me a question at the same time, I immediately cover my ears and run upstairs. But because I’m trying new things this year, instead I stay calm and say, “One at a time.” But then they both accidentally do it again and of course I have to put my hands over my ears and run upstairs. Another new one: I promised myself that if I happen to be awake during the day and the sun is shining, I would purposely open my shade all the way up and allow some of it to shine into my room. STILL CAN’T DO IT. I tried, I’ve tried so hard. I end up reaching for my sunglasses and putting them on - it’s like the sun physically hurts me. The sun is loud, like my mom’s TV. Who wears sunglasses while just sitting in their room and watching TV?? I do. I promised myself I would try to stay awake for more hours in a row, I’ve always needed a tremendous amount of sleep like a big weirdo so I wanted to work on that. Well guess what, the longer I’m awake, the more flooded my brain gets and then I have a hard time shutting it all down. So much of me is tired and wants to sleep, but this other wild part of my mind is still speed-thinking on autopilot and I don’t even know what the thoughts are, like magazine pages flipping really fast. I’ve started drinking regular (not decaf) coffee when I wake up, another “new” thing on my list.. and not only have I quickly become addicted to it, it’s like it makes my mind work better. I know it wakes everyone up and makes them feel more alert and all that, but for me it actually… calms me down in some strange way. That makes zero sense. Coffee is a stimulant. Last but not least, I promised to stop seeing hidden meanings in things, remembering dates and numbers that nobody else cares about, certain patterns that nobody else cares about, fish in pet stores that “talk to me” not with words, more like vibes… and here I am with yet another new fish. It’s a fighter fish (Betta). I’ve had at least 50 of these guys in my lifetime. We locked eyes a couple weeks ago and all I could feel him say was, “Take me home, please. I have to show you something I can do, something beautiful.” I tried to ignore the whole thing, but couldn’t. I have him here in a temporary “holding tank” and sure enough, this little guy is quite the artist. Keeps going above & beyond making these outrageously detailed “bubble nests.” He looks right at me and then starts showing me what he’s doing. A lot of male Bettas do this, but not to this extent. So he was right. And I was right, to listen to him and get him out of that PetSmart cup and bring him home. He needed a lot more space. His name is Bubble Boy and that’s him in the pic. All that white foam above him.. he did that. That’s his masterpiece. So that’s it. New Year’s Eve Resolution: Epic fail. I guess Estella from Great Expectations was right. “We are who we are. People don’t change.” Did you make any resolutions this year? How are they going? I’ll answer responses to my other discussions later, have a good night everyone. xx