People grieve differently

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After the news of my friend's sister, a lot of the people I know, myself and husband included, are all grieving and I have to say everyone grieves differently. I debated making some profound post about her, but I don't feel like it. Not because I don't care or she isn't worth it, but because it's all so raw. I don't like how public it would make my grieving. It's one thing to share it in a place like this, where I don't know anyone personally, but it feels so much more personal to share it on Facebook, and I'm not ready for that. My friend (her brother) and her close friends all posted publicly, and I am just not there yet, and I don't know if I ever will be. It's one thing to share when a celebrity dies, but it's something else when it's someone you actually know. At this point, I'm not sure I could contribute any words that everyone else hasn't covered. Everything has been said, and I agree with them. I don't want to take my memories and make them public stories right now. I want to process and grieve. Some people find it helpful to share their memories and their sadness, but I've never been one of them. I find talking about it sometimes hurts more for me. I'm still in shock, and I still have moments where it just hits me all over again. There are always going to be moments that you remember forever because it was the moment you learned horrible news (or sometimes good news, but obviously not in this case), and her death will always remind me of exactly what I was doing when I found out. My dull moment suddenly became ingrained in my memory permanently. I was in the middle of making dinner and I was sitting while waiting for the oven to beep and scrolling on facebook when a friend I didn't even know knew her posted her death, and I remember searching frantically to see if it was actually true. The irony is, I knew her better than this friend did, and I had no clue. It was supposed to be another mundane dinner and it became the background soundtrack of a terrible moment in my life. There are things you never forget and this will always be one of them. Nothing ever fully prepares you to lose someone. In this case, it was someone I hadn't even talked to in a while, but it still hit so hard. These are the things I can't say on facebook without feeling vulnerable in a way I am not prepared to feel vulnerable. I have a difficult time processing things when I lose someone. I feel like I need time to let it sink in. Some people share because that's what makes them feel better but for me sharing makes it more difficult at times because I'm not done processing. I don't want the people who know me to know how deeply hurt I am because that would require talking about something I am not ready to talk about yet. I have talked to my husband, who is going through similar emotions, too. We both knew her. He met her shortly after he met me. I messaged my friend in private and told him I was sorry and that we considered her family much the way we did him. I shared her obituary with a simple RIP because I can't say the things I'm feeling right now. I don't want to seem heartless, but I hope people realize that we do all grieve differently. I felt like I should say more, but then realized I didn't have to. Anyone who knows me knows this is who I am. It's not that I don't care, it's because I do care so much that makes it so I'm unable to fully talk about my feelings. I always tell my mom that when I avoid certain subjects, it's not because I don't care, it's because I do care, that makes it difficult for me to talk about them. I need time to process and grieve and sort things out in my head. I have always been very private in certain areas. I share the things I feel comfortable sharing but I definitely don't share everything. There are things I'll probably never talk about. Some people love looking at pictures of lost loved ones and others can't look because their pain won't allow them to. I'm somewhere in between. I need time before I can really look at pictures of the people I've lost. It hurts so much to be reminded of them at times but other times it sometimes brings comfort, but I have to be ready to look at them. I guess my whole point is don't judge someone based on how they grieve. They may look like they don't care, but most of the time they do. I am someone who has never enjoyed showing my emotions to people and I try to avoid it. I like to do my crying in private. I don't enjoy being vulnerable around others. Sometimes I can't help it and I let my tears fall loose but most of the time I try and contain them until I'm alone. I have cried at two funerals to date, and they were both people who died way too soon, and I have a feeling this one is going to be another one of those. I try hard to mask my tears, but sometimes I can't help it. I have been praying for her boys and her brother, and her mother. I have prayed for all of those who love her to find some peace. I console myself by telling myself that at least she is no longer in emotional pain, but it's little comfort when I think about the pain her boys are in. If someone is grieving, let them talk to you if they want to talk to you, but never force them to talk. People think it's helpful to try and get people to talk about it, but sometimes it has to be in their own time, or it can do more harm than good.