My dad

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Talking about Cary Grant got me thinking about my own childhood trauma. I want to preface this by saying I had an amazing childhood with loving parents, but just like anyone else, my parents were flawed. I feel like you can't raise kids without messing up in some way. My dad did his best to be the father he didn't have. He wanted to be a better parent than his parents were to him, and he was. My dad loved us and told us all the time. I loved my dad in the way any little girl does when they have a decent father, and that's with blinders on. You see this amazing dad who does no wrong... until he does. My dad did and said a lot of hurtful things over the years, not meaning to hurt us, of course, although I don't know how he thought it wouldn't hurt us. My dad would say things like "If I could go back and change things, you and your brother wouldn't be here" he said this to me as a teenager and also said it to my brother. My dad found it hilarious to tease us like telling us he hit the Easter Bunny. He thought it was funny when he volunteered me for a magic show where they put me on stage in front of a large crowd, when I was absolutely terrified of being in front of that many people, and was a shy kid. He refuses to acknowledge the trauma he caused. If we tell him it hurt us he laughs it off. I think my dad genuinely tried to be better than his parents and I know he loves us but he never stopped to think about the pain he caused. In his older years, he has mellowed some, and he changed his tune about how if he had it to do all over again, we wouldn't be here. He's become more grateful for having us because if he didn't, he wouldn't have anyone. He still doesn't fully acknowledge the ways he hurt us, but has become more grateful when we do things for him. He complains about us less to people. I think my dad genuinely struggled with us getting older. I think he wanted us to stay little because we looked up to him in a way we didn't as we got older. I know my dad always loved us. He was the type of dad who would drop everything to come help us if he thought we really needed him. He went to all of our big events. He loved us unconditionally but as the saying goes hurt people hurt people. He was and is an amazing father in a lot of ways, but his sense of humor often meant belittling us and our feelings because when he was a kid, that was what his family did. He thought his teasing wasn't hurting us but it did. I can't tell you why he told us repeatedly that we wouldn't be here if he could do it all again. He said it in a matter-of-fact way. He mostly told us that when we were in our teens and I think he struggled with us getting older, and it was hard on him. I can't imagine ever saying that to my son, but I had better parents than my dad had. My dad was a very flawed man but one who also made my childhood amazing. He spent time with us growing up. He took us hiking and to the beach (lake beach, I live in Ohio). We were always doing something outside. He had a ton of patience with us. I remember helping him build our picnic table. He had unlimited patience with us sometimes. He would stop and explain things to us. He was a complicated man. He was never intentionally cruel, and when I say this, I mean I don't think he said what he did to hurt us, but he was trying to be funny or thought he was being honest with us in a moment where he was struggling with us growing up. I don't think anything he said or did was meant to hurt us, but it sometimes boggles my mind how he didn't think it would hurt us. My brother and I were talking to my niece (his daughter) about how if we told our dad that we wanted to be left alone, he would have made it ten times worse because he thought that kind of thing was funny. I think once again, this comes from him not liking us growing up, and teasing us gave him some sort of weird sense of control, where he no longer had control. I think my dad wanted us to think it was funny, but we clearly didn't. He wanted to be the dad to us that he was when we were kids. My dad is such a complicated man because he is a good person, but doesn't know how to show it. He was lazy when we were kids, and we got away with murder a lot of the time, but when we were in trouble, we knew it. You did NOT make him get out of his chair because if he did, you were in BIG trouble. If he had to walk up those stairs, you knew you were getting it. It didn't happen often, and as I said,d my dad had a lot of patience with us, but we were kids, and yeah, we needed disciplined from time to time, and if he had to leave his chair to do it, you knew you were in for it. The ongoing joke in our family with my dad is he could see us. My dad did this thing where he left the door open and claimed he could see where we were. He did this with my and my brother's kids, too. When we were kids, we would be at the park and my dad would be like "I can see them." We lived like a block away from the park. There was no possible way he could see us unless he could see through houses and trees. My dad lives next to a school (my work), and he'd let the kids go play at the school playground. He left the door open and claimed he could see the kids, but you can't see the playground from his apartment. There are trees and another set of apartments in the way. I have told my friend this story, and I told her recently how we set off little mini fireworks in our yard because you couldn't quite see the town's fireworks from our house because of the neighbor's trees, and without missing a beat, my friend goes "your dad could see them," and I LOST it. I told that to my mom and brother, and they were laughing pretty hard too. To know my dad is to love him and also be annoyed by him at times. At the end of the day, my dad gave me an awesome childhood. I know he had moments where I question why he did or said the things he did, but I never doubted he loved me. My dad was the best dad he could be, given his own childhood. He taught me how to be a better parent. He taught me patience while growing up, but he also taught me how not to be through his flaws. I try to always listen when my son tells me things I'm doing are hurting him. I want to acknowledge and listen to his feelings and try to do better. That is something I never had from my own parents.